*sigh*
There are so many things that terrify me about moving out on my own. I'm scared that my friends and I will change and not exactly for the better. I'm afraid that we'll have to move to close to Leah or Jaymie's family (mine will be on the reserve). And most of all, I'm afraid that we just simply won't make it. The two of them keep saying that we should get more people with us, but Jaymie would scare people away. That and I just want it to be the three of us. I don't want to leave a bulletin on campus asking for a roommate. Who knows, we might end up with a kleptomaniac who is a complete stranger to us. A guy would be nice for security reasons, but we'd have to not only trust him completely but we'd have to know him well enough that one of us wouldn't become romantically or emotionally attached... that namely being me. But really, what guy is interested in me? No one! Either way, the idea of this both excites and scares the shit out of me.
Last night, I told Rob about all of the things that have been stressing me out and making me so tense and short tempered. I almost blamed him for the arguments but I stopped myself. Rob is one of my best friends. I tell him everything that is going on in my life. I've told him about the time in my life when I was on anti-depressants. I told him about how I felt the way I did before I was on them. Somtimes I just cry. It's not something I can control. I just feel so crappy sometimes. I told him about how my mom streses me out. I love my mom, I really do, but since Grandma's passing, she's changed. I suppose that it's a good hting that she knows that she's changed. She knows she flips out at Teriss now. She says that sometimes she wants to drink to numb the pain, but she just doesn't get it! When she's drunk, she's more depressed than ever! I know how she was before the passing, but now, I'm only afraid that she'd do something incredibly stupid while drunk. That's what scares me the most. My dad told me that mom would be different, I thought that I'd be ready for it, but I guess I'm just not. I don't think mom is either . Of all of the change she's going through, I just wish she'd stop going through my stuff. I know smoking is bad, but she seems to keep bringing it up since she found that empty box. I only had half the pack, someone else had the other half. Why whould she care anyways? She's already contaminating my lungs with her second-hand smoke anyways.
The concern that's been on my mind a lot lately has been my physical appearance. I'm not loking to have guys check me out or anything, I only want to feel good about myself. I don't feel good about myself. I know I don't want to be a stick thin model, I only want to look and feel healthy. I guess in some places, I do look sort of healthy, but to me, I don't look healthy at all. I want to get into shape and no, I don't consider 'round' a shape.. actually, I'm more lumpy than round. My fingers are hurting. I guess next time, I"ll write about helping out, school and work.
Last night, I told Rob about all of the things that have been stressing me out and making me so tense and short tempered. I almost blamed him for the arguments but I stopped myself. Rob is one of my best friends. I tell him everything that is going on in my life. I've told him about the time in my life when I was on anti-depressants. I told him about how I felt the way I did before I was on them. Somtimes I just cry. It's not something I can control. I just feel so crappy sometimes. I told him about how my mom streses me out. I love my mom, I really do, but since Grandma's passing, she's changed. I suppose that it's a good hting that she knows that she's changed. She knows she flips out at Teriss now. She says that sometimes she wants to drink to numb the pain, but she just doesn't get it! When she's drunk, she's more depressed than ever! I know how she was before the passing, but now, I'm only afraid that she'd do something incredibly stupid while drunk. That's what scares me the most. My dad told me that mom would be different, I thought that I'd be ready for it, but I guess I'm just not. I don't think mom is either . Of all of the change she's going through, I just wish she'd stop going through my stuff. I know smoking is bad, but she seems to keep bringing it up since she found that empty box. I only had half the pack, someone else had the other half. Why whould she care anyways? She's already contaminating my lungs with her second-hand smoke anyways.
The concern that's been on my mind a lot lately has been my physical appearance. I'm not loking to have guys check me out or anything, I only want to feel good about myself. I don't feel good about myself. I know I don't want to be a stick thin model, I only want to look and feel healthy. I guess in some places, I do look sort of healthy, but to me, I don't look healthy at all. I want to get into shape and no, I don't consider 'round' a shape.. actually, I'm more lumpy than round. My fingers are hurting. I guess next time, I"ll write about helping out, school and work.