Better Days
I have the distinct feeling that better days lie ahead. I guess because it seems the worst days have already been. I'm looking forward to a new day, another chance at being happy instead of getting caught up in the sad things of life.
Over the past few days, I've asked the unanswerable questions: Why am I feeling this way? Why do I have to be like this? What's wrong with me? Until finally I broke down. I don't want to be this way! I don't want to give in to the feelings of despair. I want to have faith... but I can't see past my circumstances, my disappointment... the hurt...
I'm an optimist... but I'm not. A statement that Kathy and Saddah would deem "deep" but is actually very true. I am an optimist way way deep down inside. Which is why I'm disappointed so much. I try to be a pessimist and sort of steel myself against the disappointment, but that just gets me into another kind of trouble.
Argh, I'm hopeless!
I just can't get past things. I don't know how to resolve.
I know that I need to resolve things. But when it actually comes down to the situation, I either collapse into a mess of tears or I go numb-- deny that I care. But I do care-- deeply. That's the problem.
I've been listening to Pastor James MacDonald of Walk in the Word ministries. He has a sermon series called Always Resolve Everything Now. The name pretty much says it all. I think resolve is getting easier in my relationship with Jeffrey. But I feel bad that the resolve needs to happen in the first place. If I were perfect, I wouldn't have to resolve things. If only I would have the right reactions to unfortunate circumstances in the first place, I would never have to work through the hurt. Now, a part of me knows that some hurt cannot be helped. I can't feel guilty for feeling hurt in the first place, when it isn't my fault what happened to me. But I think there comes a point where I can decide what to do with the hurt.
I feel like one in mourning everytime a disappointment comes. I shut down entirely or just cry. I feel defeated and unable to work through it. This has been this way my entire life. And I don't know how to change. I don't know if I can change...