We Count Only Blue Cars
Apparently I need to come with a warning label that reads: "Do not get close to me. Do not rely on me. Do not count on me. I will fail you. I will let you down. I will hurt you."
I'm sorry.
I fucking hate that word and I think I've said it more in the past year than I ever have. Its an empty word. The word itself doesn't mean shit, but it's the thought and feelings behind saying it. When I say I'm sorry this time what I really mean is, "I let you down. I faltered and I wasn't the friend I told you I would be. I became so involved in how to take care of my own feelings (be it hiding them, or ignoring the, or anything) that I completely didn't take your feelings into consideration. I was selfish. I was ignorant to the real problem. I'm not proud of myself or my actions. I over thought too many situations and yet, somehow managed to not think at all in others. I could attempt to make justifications and excuses for every one of my actions and it's still not going to solve the fact that I hurt you. I was not there for you. I did to you precisely what I have always bitched about other people doing. I became everything I didn't want to be. I'm not only sorry for all of this, but I'm sorry I'm not the person either of us thought I was. I thought you could trust me and count on me. I told you you could. I believed you could. However, when it came down to it...I wasn't there. I lied to you. I lied to you by telling you that I would do one thing, but when it came down to it I did another. I couldn't follow through. I didn't even consciencly make these decisions. I did not intend on hurting you. I did not intend on making you feel alone. I didn't want to offend you. I have no excuse for myself. Nothing I could imagine would be able to justify making you feel like this. In short, I'm sorry."
I came home today after being gone for a couple of days and realized that I really fucked things up. For a year now there has been one person that I've focused on not hurting. One person I did not want to let down. I let that person down. The person that was my everything for a bit of time I treated as though he were nothing. I'm certainly not proud of that. I'm more embarrassed if anything. I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. I feel like a shit person.
I don't know where I'm going from here or what I'm really doing. I would like to say that everything is going to start looking up and things will go on as they please, however, being realistic things aren't going to be rosy. Things are going to be incredibly awkward and I can't make promises I don't know I can keep. There's a lot going on at the moment and I honestly don't think I feel comfortable with anyone relying on me or depending on me. I don't want to fall through again. I don't think I can emotionally take letting down another person. It may be selfish of me to think that way, but right now I have to be honest with myself and being honest with my self...I can't take care of my own problems let alone try to pretend like I can help other people with theirs. I don't belong here. I don't know where I do belong, but I'm certain that its not here. I've overstayed my welcome.
I'm going to take next semester off. I'm going to finish up my algebra class, but other than that I don't think I'm going to take any other classes. Semester starts soon and I don't have a reliable mode of transportation. I don't even know where I'm going to be living to be quite honest. If I don't take this semester off then I'm going to start in a hole and fuck myself over. I'd rather just space everything out and try to get my head somewhat cleared up.
I want to just sit here, close my eyes squeezing them really tight and wait for the moment I open them to be the happiest moment of my life with all of my problems solved.
See, that's my problem. I live in this fantasy world and there's no happily ever after.
I'm sorry.
I fucking hate that word and I think I've said it more in the past year than I ever have. Its an empty word. The word itself doesn't mean shit, but it's the thought and feelings behind saying it. When I say I'm sorry this time what I really mean is, "I let you down. I faltered and I wasn't the friend I told you I would be. I became so involved in how to take care of my own feelings (be it hiding them, or ignoring the, or anything) that I completely didn't take your feelings into consideration. I was selfish. I was ignorant to the real problem. I'm not proud of myself or my actions. I over thought too many situations and yet, somehow managed to not think at all in others. I could attempt to make justifications and excuses for every one of my actions and it's still not going to solve the fact that I hurt you. I was not there for you. I did to you precisely what I have always bitched about other people doing. I became everything I didn't want to be. I'm not only sorry for all of this, but I'm sorry I'm not the person either of us thought I was. I thought you could trust me and count on me. I told you you could. I believed you could. However, when it came down to it...I wasn't there. I lied to you. I lied to you by telling you that I would do one thing, but when it came down to it I did another. I couldn't follow through. I didn't even consciencly make these decisions. I did not intend on hurting you. I did not intend on making you feel alone. I didn't want to offend you. I have no excuse for myself. Nothing I could imagine would be able to justify making you feel like this. In short, I'm sorry."
I came home today after being gone for a couple of days and realized that I really fucked things up. For a year now there has been one person that I've focused on not hurting. One person I did not want to let down. I let that person down. The person that was my everything for a bit of time I treated as though he were nothing. I'm certainly not proud of that. I'm more embarrassed if anything. I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. I feel like a shit person.
I don't know where I'm going from here or what I'm really doing. I would like to say that everything is going to start looking up and things will go on as they please, however, being realistic things aren't going to be rosy. Things are going to be incredibly awkward and I can't make promises I don't know I can keep. There's a lot going on at the moment and I honestly don't think I feel comfortable with anyone relying on me or depending on me. I don't want to fall through again. I don't think I can emotionally take letting down another person. It may be selfish of me to think that way, but right now I have to be honest with myself and being honest with my self...I can't take care of my own problems let alone try to pretend like I can help other people with theirs. I don't belong here. I don't know where I do belong, but I'm certain that its not here. I've overstayed my welcome.
I'm going to take next semester off. I'm going to finish up my algebra class, but other than that I don't think I'm going to take any other classes. Semester starts soon and I don't have a reliable mode of transportation. I don't even know where I'm going to be living to be quite honest. If I don't take this semester off then I'm going to start in a hole and fuck myself over. I'd rather just space everything out and try to get my head somewhat cleared up.
I want to just sit here, close my eyes squeezing them really tight and wait for the moment I open them to be the happiest moment of my life with all of my problems solved.
See, that's my problem. I live in this fantasy world and there's no happily ever after.