Update '09 Edition
Months later, and here I am updating again. I recall that it used to be a weekly, sometimes daily thing to update on my blogs. I look back on those times and think, "Hello, get a life?" For me, I had so much more that I should have been doing that I wasn't and it was a luxury that I took and ran with when I should have been doing other things with my time. Reflecting on it though, I did alot of thinking and internalizing and self reflection. It was nice and I would still like to do it more often. I should make the effort to do just that. It's not like I don't have the time to do it, though there are days where I don't. But I choose to do other things.
So since June of 08, I have been weighing myself on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. Last year, I tipped the scales at 599lbs and have really put forth alot of thought and work into changing my life. I now believe I can do it and Sara believes in me too, which helps motivate me when I hit rough times. So on record in my handy dandy spreadsheet and graph, I was around 587 in June or July. As of today at around 4:15pm, I am down to 543.1. It may not seem like a big jump, but for me it represents alot of work and alot of change and alot of sacrifice.
I know that there are many people that say it's easy once you set your mind too it, but it's not. Every day is a constant struggle. I have to find ways to constantly remind myself not to pick up that extra piece of food. Not to pick at the leftovers, not to get seconds, not to stop by and eat somewhere when you're all alone and noone would be the wiser about it. It reminds me of the AA meetings I went to with my father when they had sponsors. People they could call when they were feeling the urge to drink. Sometimes I feel like I could use a sponsor. Someone I could call up and that would understand when I say, "I got 2 bucks in my pocket that noone knows about and that value menu is callin' my name!" I know I could call Sara but I know that she gets disappointed when I do things I am not supposed to. We both know that it's going to happen sometimes, but she's invested so much into me that I hate letting her down. And most of the other people I know would just be like, "Uh, ok...?" Haha...it's hard to understand unless you've been an addict and think like one. More and more I draw paralles between the way I act about food and the way that a drug addict treats his fix. It's scary. I've seen both and the similarities are astounding.
Addicted to food? It's not a physical addiction, though there are physical "effects". When I eat until I'm full, I feel happy. I feel content. I feel as though everything is ok. It's comforting. I think most people feel the same way when they've had a really good meal or something that they like. But I'm not physically addicted. If I don't get my hamburger fix, I'm not going to go through the physical symptoms of withdrawls. I'm not going to shake and sweat and have pain and everything else that goes along with it. It's a mental addiction, almost all psychological and it's hard for many people to understand. Even some big folks just don't understand because it's not like that for everyone. Some people are big and will just always be that way and have always been that way. Maybe it's a hormone thing or a thyroid or something. I've know people that are big that don't eat alot, they are just big. Unless you know someone that has been through something simliar, sometimes it's really hard to understand.
But I'm beating it. A great friend of mine helped me realize that I can do it and that I am capable of it and that half of the battle was recognizing in myself that I can do it and that I am strong enough and able enough to get it done. Between him and Sara, I have come around alot in this area. I still have alot of work to do, but I can feel the confidence where there was doubt before and it's nice. And with the success of the weight loss, it's been a big help and big step in drilling it into me. There have been times in the last 8 or 9 months where I have actually gained weight between weigh-ins, but I have learned to use those times as motivators to help keep it going, rather than falling back into, "Yeah, I knew that would happen." mode and giving in. Did I say thanks, Bill? If not, then "Thanks brotha."
It's been fun to see. The small but noticeable effects that losing the weight is having on me. Sara and I can do more things than I have been able to do before. I have started walking to the corner store instead of driving all the time. I walk to the office and to the relatives houses around here instead of just hopping in the car and driving. I can reach around my back farther now. I can feel that the shirts that used to be just right are now fitting like the shirts that were just a little too big and the shirts that were just a little too big are now alot too big. I actually went to Walmart and got 2 shirts from their racks!! I haven't bought shirts in a "normal" store in 10+ years. Granted they are still "big" shirts, but the idea that I could actually get some clothing from a store instead of special ordering it online excites me. The shirts are still a bit too tight for my taste and I still want to lose more weight before I can wear them on the regular, but the fact that I even *can* wear them is a huge ray of sunshine for Sara and I both.
She has been with me through this whole transformation. When the job I had last completely screwed us during christmas and they pulled the crap that they did, she was right there telling me that I should just quit and that we could make it. She was there with me when I went through the process of applying and successfully getting disability. She was there when we were in financial binds telling me it was going to be ok and we would get caught up and to just keep my head up and do what I needed to do. She was there with me through everything and now we are where we need to be. We're out of the storm and we see the calm waves and beautiful land of possibilities that lay before us. She doesn't have to work herself into the ground anymore. She has been such an inspiration and a support to me and I only hope that I have been half of supportive of her in the things she's working on, as she has been for me. There have been countless times in the last year and a half where I have said "Fuck it" and decided that I was going to go back to work, only to have her sit down and talk to me and make me realize that what we are doing together is for the long term best for us. For us and for our children. But it's been hard.
My entire life I have supported my family. I've been working since I was 13. I worked all the way through school and as soon as I graduate I had a full time job. I worked 2 jobs for the first year Jen and I were together because we had a baby on the way. I always worked and supported my family alone. Through all of my relationships that's the way it's been. It's what I know. There were times I took jobs I hated like Telemarketing. Sometimes I didn't even live with my family, like when I took the job at Microsoft and worked there. I lived in Seattle in my car during the week and then saw my family on the weekends. I did whatever the fuck I had to do to make sure shit was taken care of.
That's why it's been such a hard transition to stay home full time. Hands down this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, aside from dealing with the death of my son. To go from being someone that is so independant and has this drive and this passion to work and be the "bread winner" and then switch it up and take a completely different role as the "home maker" is a juggernaut of an experience. (Side note: That is the coolest word ever, juggernaut!) I've had to deal with feelings I've never had before. Having to rely on someone else to provide for me while I was not getting disability. Feeling like I was less of a man because I wasn't working and bringing home the money. Inadequacy has been something that has been really hard for me to get past. Sometimes I still have problems dealing with it. Until you have swallowed your pride and willingly let someone else "take care" of you and yours, you will have no idea what it's like and how truly difficult it is. It has tore up my entire view of life and my so called "manliness". Having lived it and gone through it, I would venture to say that I'm more of a man now then I was before. It's really easy to have a job and keep it and provide for your family, comparitively speaking. It's much harder to be a home maker with a newborn and 4 other children that require your attention than it ever was to have a job. Even a mangement job was much easier. Needless to say, I look forward to the day when Alex is in school and I have gotten myself to a point where I can go back to work.
At one point, my left leg was bigger in circumfrence than a basketball. My left leg now is almost normal, for me. If I had to guess, it's probably 16-18 inches around now, which is down from around 34 inches. Talk about major change. I used to not be able to get my pants on all the way because of my leg. Now it's really loose and nice. Even my compression stockings slide down. I quit wearing my right leg stocking entirely because it wouldn't stay up. The left one is almost the same now.
I have asked Sara to design me a tatoo for my neck. I think tha's the next one I want to get, after I get my arm finished. My arm, all I really want to get done is get the names added to it. After that, it will be done in my mind. I can still add on later if I get the chance and the money, but the important part is getting it finished.
I think I've run out of things to talk about. I wanted to say more, but Bianca and I just sat here and talked for like 20 minutes about random shit and now my mind is blank. Lol...thanks Bonk!
I hope that this finds anyone that reads it well, and I hope that it continues that way for everyone. I miss many of the friends I used to chat with. I have not forgotten about any of you, and wish to hear from you. Anyone that wants, just shoot me an email to jcell@melnor.net and it will go to my phone. Or text me. That's the best way to get a hold of me. I don't talk much on the phone and I don't check my melnor@melnor.net email that much. Sometimes I check myspace messages, but not as often as I'd like. If ya don't have my cell number, just shoot me an email and I'll get it to ya.
"My aim is to spread more smiles than tears, utilizing lessons learned in my childhood years." - Tupac Amaru Shakur
J
So since June of 08, I have been weighing myself on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. Last year, I tipped the scales at 599lbs and have really put forth alot of thought and work into changing my life. I now believe I can do it and Sara believes in me too, which helps motivate me when I hit rough times. So on record in my handy dandy spreadsheet and graph, I was around 587 in June or July. As of today at around 4:15pm, I am down to 543.1. It may not seem like a big jump, but for me it represents alot of work and alot of change and alot of sacrifice.
I know that there are many people that say it's easy once you set your mind too it, but it's not. Every day is a constant struggle. I have to find ways to constantly remind myself not to pick up that extra piece of food. Not to pick at the leftovers, not to get seconds, not to stop by and eat somewhere when you're all alone and noone would be the wiser about it. It reminds me of the AA meetings I went to with my father when they had sponsors. People they could call when they were feeling the urge to drink. Sometimes I feel like I could use a sponsor. Someone I could call up and that would understand when I say, "I got 2 bucks in my pocket that noone knows about and that value menu is callin' my name!" I know I could call Sara but I know that she gets disappointed when I do things I am not supposed to. We both know that it's going to happen sometimes, but she's invested so much into me that I hate letting her down. And most of the other people I know would just be like, "Uh, ok...?" Haha...it's hard to understand unless you've been an addict and think like one. More and more I draw paralles between the way I act about food and the way that a drug addict treats his fix. It's scary. I've seen both and the similarities are astounding.
Addicted to food? It's not a physical addiction, though there are physical "effects". When I eat until I'm full, I feel happy. I feel content. I feel as though everything is ok. It's comforting. I think most people feel the same way when they've had a really good meal or something that they like. But I'm not physically addicted. If I don't get my hamburger fix, I'm not going to go through the physical symptoms of withdrawls. I'm not going to shake and sweat and have pain and everything else that goes along with it. It's a mental addiction, almost all psychological and it's hard for many people to understand. Even some big folks just don't understand because it's not like that for everyone. Some people are big and will just always be that way and have always been that way. Maybe it's a hormone thing or a thyroid or something. I've know people that are big that don't eat alot, they are just big. Unless you know someone that has been through something simliar, sometimes it's really hard to understand.
But I'm beating it. A great friend of mine helped me realize that I can do it and that I am capable of it and that half of the battle was recognizing in myself that I can do it and that I am strong enough and able enough to get it done. Between him and Sara, I have come around alot in this area. I still have alot of work to do, but I can feel the confidence where there was doubt before and it's nice. And with the success of the weight loss, it's been a big help and big step in drilling it into me. There have been times in the last 8 or 9 months where I have actually gained weight between weigh-ins, but I have learned to use those times as motivators to help keep it going, rather than falling back into, "Yeah, I knew that would happen." mode and giving in. Did I say thanks, Bill? If not, then "Thanks brotha."
It's been fun to see. The small but noticeable effects that losing the weight is having on me. Sara and I can do more things than I have been able to do before. I have started walking to the corner store instead of driving all the time. I walk to the office and to the relatives houses around here instead of just hopping in the car and driving. I can reach around my back farther now. I can feel that the shirts that used to be just right are now fitting like the shirts that were just a little too big and the shirts that were just a little too big are now alot too big. I actually went to Walmart and got 2 shirts from their racks!! I haven't bought shirts in a "normal" store in 10+ years. Granted they are still "big" shirts, but the idea that I could actually get some clothing from a store instead of special ordering it online excites me. The shirts are still a bit too tight for my taste and I still want to lose more weight before I can wear them on the regular, but the fact that I even *can* wear them is a huge ray of sunshine for Sara and I both.
She has been with me through this whole transformation. When the job I had last completely screwed us during christmas and they pulled the crap that they did, she was right there telling me that I should just quit and that we could make it. She was there with me when I went through the process of applying and successfully getting disability. She was there when we were in financial binds telling me it was going to be ok and we would get caught up and to just keep my head up and do what I needed to do. She was there with me through everything and now we are where we need to be. We're out of the storm and we see the calm waves and beautiful land of possibilities that lay before us. She doesn't have to work herself into the ground anymore. She has been such an inspiration and a support to me and I only hope that I have been half of supportive of her in the things she's working on, as she has been for me. There have been countless times in the last year and a half where I have said "Fuck it" and decided that I was going to go back to work, only to have her sit down and talk to me and make me realize that what we are doing together is for the long term best for us. For us and for our children. But it's been hard.
My entire life I have supported my family. I've been working since I was 13. I worked all the way through school and as soon as I graduate I had a full time job. I worked 2 jobs for the first year Jen and I were together because we had a baby on the way. I always worked and supported my family alone. Through all of my relationships that's the way it's been. It's what I know. There were times I took jobs I hated like Telemarketing. Sometimes I didn't even live with my family, like when I took the job at Microsoft and worked there. I lived in Seattle in my car during the week and then saw my family on the weekends. I did whatever the fuck I had to do to make sure shit was taken care of.
That's why it's been such a hard transition to stay home full time. Hands down this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, aside from dealing with the death of my son. To go from being someone that is so independant and has this drive and this passion to work and be the "bread winner" and then switch it up and take a completely different role as the "home maker" is a juggernaut of an experience. (Side note: That is the coolest word ever, juggernaut!) I've had to deal with feelings I've never had before. Having to rely on someone else to provide for me while I was not getting disability. Feeling like I was less of a man because I wasn't working and bringing home the money. Inadequacy has been something that has been really hard for me to get past. Sometimes I still have problems dealing with it. Until you have swallowed your pride and willingly let someone else "take care" of you and yours, you will have no idea what it's like and how truly difficult it is. It has tore up my entire view of life and my so called "manliness". Having lived it and gone through it, I would venture to say that I'm more of a man now then I was before. It's really easy to have a job and keep it and provide for your family, comparitively speaking. It's much harder to be a home maker with a newborn and 4 other children that require your attention than it ever was to have a job. Even a mangement job was much easier. Needless to say, I look forward to the day when Alex is in school and I have gotten myself to a point where I can go back to work.
At one point, my left leg was bigger in circumfrence than a basketball. My left leg now is almost normal, for me. If I had to guess, it's probably 16-18 inches around now, which is down from around 34 inches. Talk about major change. I used to not be able to get my pants on all the way because of my leg. Now it's really loose and nice. Even my compression stockings slide down. I quit wearing my right leg stocking entirely because it wouldn't stay up. The left one is almost the same now.
I have asked Sara to design me a tatoo for my neck. I think tha's the next one I want to get, after I get my arm finished. My arm, all I really want to get done is get the names added to it. After that, it will be done in my mind. I can still add on later if I get the chance and the money, but the important part is getting it finished.
I think I've run out of things to talk about. I wanted to say more, but Bianca and I just sat here and talked for like 20 minutes about random shit and now my mind is blank. Lol...thanks Bonk!
I hope that this finds anyone that reads it well, and I hope that it continues that way for everyone. I miss many of the friends I used to chat with. I have not forgotten about any of you, and wish to hear from you. Anyone that wants, just shoot me an email to jcell@melnor.net and it will go to my phone. Or text me. That's the best way to get a hold of me. I don't talk much on the phone and I don't check my melnor@melnor.net email that much. Sometimes I check myspace messages, but not as often as I'd like. If ya don't have my cell number, just shoot me an email and I'll get it to ya.
"My aim is to spread more smiles than tears, utilizing lessons learned in my childhood years." - Tupac Amaru Shakur
J