"Rock and Roll Girl...Rock and Roll Girl..."
This last week I found out that I hit over 600lbs on the scale. As I sit here, I contemplate the irony of posting a blog about my weight and how I feel about it while at the same time eating a piece of candy cane. It strikes me funny in a sort of morbid way. Actually, I think I just bounce between humor, disgust, sadness, and indifference. The mind works in so many wonderful ways. I sit here and I munch this piece of candy and I think to myself, "It's ok. You're going to start doing something about it soon, so it's ok to enjoy it now, because soon you won't be able to." and in my own mind, that makes sense and makes it reasonable. Then the other part of my mind compares this logic to something that Cheri calls "Troll Logic". And then I look at it and inside I shake my head like, "What an idiot." Course then I'm like, "Fuck it, whatever." and end up grabbing another piece of candy cane. The circle of my weakness is never ending.
I seem to go through these...I don't know...phases, I guess is the best word I can use to describe it. I have these moments of clarity in which I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it, and I make all these bold new commitments and draw all these wonderful conclusions. Sometimes only to myself, sometimes in my journal and I get excited about the future and what I can do. It's a wonderful and briliant time where I feel like I can conquer the world and any problems in it.
But then reality hits and sets in and suddenly my mind is fuddled with it. I can't focus or think on what I want and what I need to accomplish because of what I'm doing, what I want, or whatever physical desire I'm unsuccessfully fighting at that point. It's really quite maddening to see this and know that it's happening, but yet never having any successful way of fighting it. There are ways that I've found that fend it off for a while, but I've yet to find something that will successfully fight this.
"If you REALLY want to do it, I will help you out."
What exactly does "REALLY want to do it" mean? Is there some sort of meter out there somewhere that will tell me when I've gotten to that point? Am I only pretending when I say I "REALLY" want to, and then fail? Oops, just kidding? I mean, what is it? How do I know? I REALLY feel like I REALLY want to do this. Right now at least. I don't recall a single moment in time in the last 5 years when I haven't REALLY wanted to lose weight. But apparently some people think that "REALLY" wanting to, is enough. I don't know that I necessarily agree with that.
I've drawn this relationship before, because I think it's valid. Actually, let me backstep a bit. First of all, I don't think that it's a "quantity" of food issue. I don't think that it's because I eat 10x what I should be eating. I eat much the same that everyone else does around me, and they seem to maintain good healthy weights. Quality of food I think of course plays a part and could be improved, but I don't think that is the sole issue either. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to, and I'm eating food that is fairly good for me. Matt and I were just pondering how long it's been since we've been out to eat since Sara got here. I think I've eaten out for lunch like, 2 times. Maybe 3. It's a rarity now, not the norm. I think that the main issue is movement.
The burning of calories. It's really rather simple, from the way I understand it. I know that it's more complicated probably than I will make it out here, but the basic idea behind weight-loss is thus. You take in calories every day. You burn calories every day. If you take in more calories than you burn, then you're going to gain weight. If you use up more calories than you take in, you're going to lose weight. Pretty simple. I think the big issue with me is that I don't burn enough calories, not that I'm taking in too many. Of course, that's kinda backwards I suppose because if I'm not burning all that I'm taking in, maybe I should cut back on calories since I'm not burning enough. I guess I should say, I don't take in an inordinate amount of calories. Or an abnormally large amount. Whatever. You get the point, I hope. I need to move more.
During my last boughts of working out, I focused on walking. There were a couple of reasons for this. First off, walking is fairly easy. We all do it and have been doing it since we were kids, so it's something that I'm used to doing, though not as much as I used to obviously. Secondly, I have the use of a treadmill which makes it much easier to walk. If I were to walk around town, I would need something to lean on, or something to sit at every couple of blocks so I could rest. With a treadmill, I can lean on the bar and still continue walking. This makes it easier. Thirdly, there was my leg. It continues to swell despite whatever efforts I have taken to relieve it. Sara rubs it occasionally and I try and keep it up once in a while, but I must admit that I've not kept up on it like I should. I should ask her to rub it more and I should keep it up more. I just know that it's not a pleasant job for her, and I can always find things I *need* to do, rather than put my leg up. I suppose when I land in the hospital again, I will pay better attention to it. Thus is the human way of doing things. Anyhow, by walking, I was doing good things for my legs by trying to get the circulation going and moving all that liquid.
But something that I didn't forsee, interferred; my feet.
I've had sore feet off and on for quite some time because of various issues, but for the most part they are ok. However now that I've gotten up to the weight I am now, they've become issues. I can no longer walk on them for lengths of time without them begining to really hurt, like I've bruised the bottoms of them and I'm walking around on bruises all day. It's really quite painful and so the whole treadmill thing was killing me. It was making me dread going to workout, more and more and more every day until finally I just gave up. I hated it so much I just gave up on it. And this is where I am now.
Matt talked to me today about this very subject of being over 600lbs. It's an uncomfortable subject to talk about, but it's something that needs to be broached. I'm in a state where I feel like I am going to fail, no matter what I do. Yet in my mind, I know I can do it once I find the right combination of support and exercise. I know I can kick this. I know I can't do it alone though. I need tough people that will stand next to me and stand behind me and do this with me. James, Jeramy, John, Becky, Sara, Matt, Cheri to name a few...I have had alot of help since i started really trying to do something and every one of them as helped in big ways, even if they don't know it. I feel like in a way, I've failed every one of them by not doing what I set out to do and not accomplishing what I know I need to accomplish. I feel like I can only fail at this point, just given the history of my failures. I also feel helpless, because while I have ideas on what might help and what might work, I don't know how feasable my options are in terms of time/commitment/affordability/etc..etc...
One of the things that I discussed with Matt today, is the fact that I can, and have, convinced others that I don't need to work out for one reason or another. Or that it's ok to eat this or that, for one reason or another. While doing this once in a while is ok, I find that if I feel like I can continue to do this, I will. I will do it more and more until finally I am just eating whatever I want, or until I stop working out all together. It's horribly frustrating. It's not something I do on purpose, but damnit, it's so hard to not do. It's almost instinctive. There are of course, people I haven't been able to do that with. Cheri was one example. When Becky and John were comin' over every other day, that was another time because I simply couldn't justify sending them home without working out after they had driven all the way to my house to do it.
I need to sleep. I could write so much more right now, but I want to get to bed with my love.
All in all, I plan to see about starting to do some water exercises. Low impact, and I can get a great cardio workout with laps. The bonus is I LOVE to swim and I love the water, so I think this is a big plus for me. I just need to find someplace to do it that I can do it year 'round, and it's affordable. And I'd like it to be close to work, because Matt is going to do it with me. Any suggestions are welcome.
I know that I'm a horrible friend and I'm not around alot and for that, I hope you will forgive me and continue to have patience with me. There are so many things that are going on right now that there is just no way to get alot of time here. Trying to figure out things with Sara and I. Trying to deal with kids. Work...ha, that is a whole nuther issue. I feel like I'm going to lose my job any minute. It's very stressful for me. Money, garnishments...ugh. I just don't want to get into it all. I need sleep.
J
I seem to go through these...I don't know...phases, I guess is the best word I can use to describe it. I have these moments of clarity in which I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it, and I make all these bold new commitments and draw all these wonderful conclusions. Sometimes only to myself, sometimes in my journal and I get excited about the future and what I can do. It's a wonderful and briliant time where I feel like I can conquer the world and any problems in it.
But then reality hits and sets in and suddenly my mind is fuddled with it. I can't focus or think on what I want and what I need to accomplish because of what I'm doing, what I want, or whatever physical desire I'm unsuccessfully fighting at that point. It's really quite maddening to see this and know that it's happening, but yet never having any successful way of fighting it. There are ways that I've found that fend it off for a while, but I've yet to find something that will successfully fight this.
"If you REALLY want to do it, I will help you out."
What exactly does "REALLY want to do it" mean? Is there some sort of meter out there somewhere that will tell me when I've gotten to that point? Am I only pretending when I say I "REALLY" want to, and then fail? Oops, just kidding? I mean, what is it? How do I know? I REALLY feel like I REALLY want to do this. Right now at least. I don't recall a single moment in time in the last 5 years when I haven't REALLY wanted to lose weight. But apparently some people think that "REALLY" wanting to, is enough. I don't know that I necessarily agree with that.
I've drawn this relationship before, because I think it's valid. Actually, let me backstep a bit. First of all, I don't think that it's a "quantity" of food issue. I don't think that it's because I eat 10x what I should be eating. I eat much the same that everyone else does around me, and they seem to maintain good healthy weights. Quality of food I think of course plays a part and could be improved, but I don't think that is the sole issue either. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to, and I'm eating food that is fairly good for me. Matt and I were just pondering how long it's been since we've been out to eat since Sara got here. I think I've eaten out for lunch like, 2 times. Maybe 3. It's a rarity now, not the norm. I think that the main issue is movement.
The burning of calories. It's really rather simple, from the way I understand it. I know that it's more complicated probably than I will make it out here, but the basic idea behind weight-loss is thus. You take in calories every day. You burn calories every day. If you take in more calories than you burn, then you're going to gain weight. If you use up more calories than you take in, you're going to lose weight. Pretty simple. I think the big issue with me is that I don't burn enough calories, not that I'm taking in too many. Of course, that's kinda backwards I suppose because if I'm not burning all that I'm taking in, maybe I should cut back on calories since I'm not burning enough. I guess I should say, I don't take in an inordinate amount of calories. Or an abnormally large amount. Whatever. You get the point, I hope. I need to move more.
During my last boughts of working out, I focused on walking. There were a couple of reasons for this. First off, walking is fairly easy. We all do it and have been doing it since we were kids, so it's something that I'm used to doing, though not as much as I used to obviously. Secondly, I have the use of a treadmill which makes it much easier to walk. If I were to walk around town, I would need something to lean on, or something to sit at every couple of blocks so I could rest. With a treadmill, I can lean on the bar and still continue walking. This makes it easier. Thirdly, there was my leg. It continues to swell despite whatever efforts I have taken to relieve it. Sara rubs it occasionally and I try and keep it up once in a while, but I must admit that I've not kept up on it like I should. I should ask her to rub it more and I should keep it up more. I just know that it's not a pleasant job for her, and I can always find things I *need* to do, rather than put my leg up. I suppose when I land in the hospital again, I will pay better attention to it. Thus is the human way of doing things. Anyhow, by walking, I was doing good things for my legs by trying to get the circulation going and moving all that liquid.
But something that I didn't forsee, interferred; my feet.
I've had sore feet off and on for quite some time because of various issues, but for the most part they are ok. However now that I've gotten up to the weight I am now, they've become issues. I can no longer walk on them for lengths of time without them begining to really hurt, like I've bruised the bottoms of them and I'm walking around on bruises all day. It's really quite painful and so the whole treadmill thing was killing me. It was making me dread going to workout, more and more and more every day until finally I just gave up. I hated it so much I just gave up on it. And this is where I am now.
Matt talked to me today about this very subject of being over 600lbs. It's an uncomfortable subject to talk about, but it's something that needs to be broached. I'm in a state where I feel like I am going to fail, no matter what I do. Yet in my mind, I know I can do it once I find the right combination of support and exercise. I know I can kick this. I know I can't do it alone though. I need tough people that will stand next to me and stand behind me and do this with me. James, Jeramy, John, Becky, Sara, Matt, Cheri to name a few...I have had alot of help since i started really trying to do something and every one of them as helped in big ways, even if they don't know it. I feel like in a way, I've failed every one of them by not doing what I set out to do and not accomplishing what I know I need to accomplish. I feel like I can only fail at this point, just given the history of my failures. I also feel helpless, because while I have ideas on what might help and what might work, I don't know how feasable my options are in terms of time/commitment/affordability/etc..etc...
One of the things that I discussed with Matt today, is the fact that I can, and have, convinced others that I don't need to work out for one reason or another. Or that it's ok to eat this or that, for one reason or another. While doing this once in a while is ok, I find that if I feel like I can continue to do this, I will. I will do it more and more until finally I am just eating whatever I want, or until I stop working out all together. It's horribly frustrating. It's not something I do on purpose, but damnit, it's so hard to not do. It's almost instinctive. There are of course, people I haven't been able to do that with. Cheri was one example. When Becky and John were comin' over every other day, that was another time because I simply couldn't justify sending them home without working out after they had driven all the way to my house to do it.
I need to sleep. I could write so much more right now, but I want to get to bed with my love.
All in all, I plan to see about starting to do some water exercises. Low impact, and I can get a great cardio workout with laps. The bonus is I LOVE to swim and I love the water, so I think this is a big plus for me. I just need to find someplace to do it that I can do it year 'round, and it's affordable. And I'd like it to be close to work, because Matt is going to do it with me. Any suggestions are welcome.
I know that I'm a horrible friend and I'm not around alot and for that, I hope you will forgive me and continue to have patience with me. There are so many things that are going on right now that there is just no way to get alot of time here. Trying to figure out things with Sara and I. Trying to deal with kids. Work...ha, that is a whole nuther issue. I feel like I'm going to lose my job any minute. It's very stressful for me. Money, garnishments...ugh. I just don't want to get into it all. I need sleep.
J