How I spend my Saturdays
Ever since I've gotten into psychology, I've always been drawn to evolutionary psych--probably because it answers a lot of questions that I've always had. These are questions that, as far as I can tell, most people don't think about, but that, whenever my mind wanders to thinking about them, really seem to haunt me. It's like, my mind can't wrap around a concept, and once I start thinking about it, I can't seem to stop.
The best example I can think of is the entire concept of infinity. I just /can't/ comprehend infinity. To think that something has /no/ end is simply not possible for me. Whenever I try to picture the universe, I tell myself "Ok, and it is infinite," but because I can't actually picture it--I mean, your brain is finite, and, at least in my case, the images it can produce are finite--I just cannot understand it. I always end up picturing a big black cube, with stars and planets and gaseous clouds, but that suddenly ends, and then there is white. I know this is wrong, and whenever I think about the white, I start wondering what exists after the white ends. And then I tell myself, "Well, the white must be infinite," a thought which 1) is wrong, considering the "white" doesn't even exist, and 2) doesn't exactly sit better in my mind, considering it has just put me in the same position of trying to understand the infinite using a finite brain.
Anyway, returning to evolutionary psych, there are a number of questions about life and human nature that really haunted me in high school, but that, whenever I tried to vocalize them, seemed crazy to everyone else. To an evolutionary psychologist, however, these are everyday, unavoidable questions, that scientific theories can answer. What is "beauty"--not just in the sense of people, but in nature, music, architecture, etc.--and why are we attracted to it? Why do women wear make-up and revealing clothing? Why do we smile? What is "love," and why is it "beautiful"?
The entire concept of music has always baffled me, and though there has been a lot of research in evolutionary psych, as well as other branches of the field, the answers don't quite satisfy me. The same goes for love. There may be neurotransmitters and hormones and evolutionary explanations for why humans would want these things in their lives, but for me, these explanations are there, sure, but they are only a part of what love and music really are. Knowing the basic neurological premises and processes of love and music are all well and good for when I'm feeling academic and analytical, and I want to know /why/. But, when I'm in the moment, feeling the poignancy of love and music, I'm grateful to say that these explanations don't interfere with my experience of the emotions and experiences. I think it's because I'm able to feel as deeply as I want to feel without contradicting anything I know from science.
I think this is probably what is most preventing me from being the highly spiritual person I want to be. Similar to my inability to grasp the concept of infinity, I am currently incapable of grasping the concept of a higher power, largely because of questions I have always had, but that no one has been able to answer. These questions actually feel very similar to my questions about infinity and the universe. In fact, it is just as hard for me to picture the Big Bang--with nothing existing one second, and then an entire infinite, yet expanding universe the next--as it is to picture a higher power somewhere (but where?), choosing to form this universe and the life it contains. Where did the higher power come from? And where does this higher power exist? Yet, how did the universe form so suddenly, out of essentially nothing? And I'm supposed to believe that life just accidentally "developed"? As the result of atoms and molecules coming together and somehow forming life? And now, here we are, capable of composing symphonies and curing diseases and building airplanes to fly across the world, which, too, began in the same dot of matter that exploded into the Universe?
And then, when I become overwhelmed, sometimes I think, "Well, then, there must be a higher power. How could all this have just happened by chance?" But then I have so many unanswerable questions about that whole concept, and so many of the teachings and concepts inherently contradict many of the ideas I have come to actually accept, and I'm left with more questions, not fewer. And unlike music, which I can listen to and enjoy on one level while also knowing the scientific details of another level, these deep questions of life and the Universe have such different explanations in spirituality and science that I have trouble accessing both pools. And even though I want to be more spiritual, I find myself leaning to a more scientific explanation, despite my inability to picture either side.
I am certainly in no position to argue that the two sides are mutually exclusive, it's all just too much for my minuscule, extremely limited brain to comprehend. Evolutionary psych, astronomy, biology: they have some answers, but I don't know if I'm ever going to be satisfied.
The best example I can think of is the entire concept of infinity. I just /can't/ comprehend infinity. To think that something has /no/ end is simply not possible for me. Whenever I try to picture the universe, I tell myself "Ok, and it is infinite," but because I can't actually picture it--I mean, your brain is finite, and, at least in my case, the images it can produce are finite--I just cannot understand it. I always end up picturing a big black cube, with stars and planets and gaseous clouds, but that suddenly ends, and then there is white. I know this is wrong, and whenever I think about the white, I start wondering what exists after the white ends. And then I tell myself, "Well, the white must be infinite," a thought which 1) is wrong, considering the "white" doesn't even exist, and 2) doesn't exactly sit better in my mind, considering it has just put me in the same position of trying to understand the infinite using a finite brain.
Anyway, returning to evolutionary psych, there are a number of questions about life and human nature that really haunted me in high school, but that, whenever I tried to vocalize them, seemed crazy to everyone else. To an evolutionary psychologist, however, these are everyday, unavoidable questions, that scientific theories can answer. What is "beauty"--not just in the sense of people, but in nature, music, architecture, etc.--and why are we attracted to it? Why do women wear make-up and revealing clothing? Why do we smile? What is "love," and why is it "beautiful"?
The entire concept of music has always baffled me, and though there has been a lot of research in evolutionary psych, as well as other branches of the field, the answers don't quite satisfy me. The same goes for love. There may be neurotransmitters and hormones and evolutionary explanations for why humans would want these things in their lives, but for me, these explanations are there, sure, but they are only a part of what love and music really are. Knowing the basic neurological premises and processes of love and music are all well and good for when I'm feeling academic and analytical, and I want to know /why/. But, when I'm in the moment, feeling the poignancy of love and music, I'm grateful to say that these explanations don't interfere with my experience of the emotions and experiences. I think it's because I'm able to feel as deeply as I want to feel without contradicting anything I know from science.
I think this is probably what is most preventing me from being the highly spiritual person I want to be. Similar to my inability to grasp the concept of infinity, I am currently incapable of grasping the concept of a higher power, largely because of questions I have always had, but that no one has been able to answer. These questions actually feel very similar to my questions about infinity and the universe. In fact, it is just as hard for me to picture the Big Bang--with nothing existing one second, and then an entire infinite, yet expanding universe the next--as it is to picture a higher power somewhere (but where?), choosing to form this universe and the life it contains. Where did the higher power come from? And where does this higher power exist? Yet, how did the universe form so suddenly, out of essentially nothing? And I'm supposed to believe that life just accidentally "developed"? As the result of atoms and molecules coming together and somehow forming life? And now, here we are, capable of composing symphonies and curing diseases and building airplanes to fly across the world, which, too, began in the same dot of matter that exploded into the Universe?
And then, when I become overwhelmed, sometimes I think, "Well, then, there must be a higher power. How could all this have just happened by chance?" But then I have so many unanswerable questions about that whole concept, and so many of the teachings and concepts inherently contradict many of the ideas I have come to actually accept, and I'm left with more questions, not fewer. And unlike music, which I can listen to and enjoy on one level while also knowing the scientific details of another level, these deep questions of life and the Universe have such different explanations in spirituality and science that I have trouble accessing both pools. And even though I want to be more spiritual, I find myself leaning to a more scientific explanation, despite my inability to picture either side.
I am certainly in no position to argue that the two sides are mutually exclusive, it's all just too much for my minuscule, extremely limited brain to comprehend. Evolutionary psych, astronomy, biology: they have some answers, but I don't know if I'm ever going to be satisfied.