Update, and a look back
So I guess it's been a really long time since I last updated, but for a while, frankly, my life just was not going well, and I couldn't motivate myself to publicize my frustrating/depressing/confusing daily life. Things seem to have settled down now. Looking back, I certainly have a lot to talk about, and, since today is a snow day, I finally feel like writing. So sit back, relax, and hear about every little thing that pops into my head about my ever-fascinating life.
It's tough to know where to begin, but I guess I'll start with a quick update about where I am now. Alex and I have moved/are moving back to Boston, where we both recently started new jobs. We have actually been living with my parents for the past few weeks, as we had to start work before we were able to move into our new apartment. The apartment is an incredible two-story two bedroom in Central Square for just over half of what we were paying for rent in New York. We'll be making the move this weekend. The past month has been incredibly hectic, with Alex and me in Randolph/Boston on weekdays, and then in NYC on weekends, trying to pack up the apartment and make the transition to our new life. Very very fortunately, though, Alex and I both have been really enjoying our new jobs. He's a statistical programmer at Harvard's Institute of Quantitative Social Science, where he's working on a project involving social networks and making connections among inventors of the past. He's also working as a consultant for a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health, again doing programming, and this project involves tracking hospital-related infection transmission. I have been working as a research assistant at UMass Boston's Center for Social Development and Education. I've been involved in two projects so far, one studying and discouraging the vernacular use of the r-word ("retard" and "retarded"), and one evaluating an inclusive athletics program for intellectually disabled elementary school students. I've really liked the work so far. I feel needed, as there is a lot for me to do, and satisfied, knowing that my work is supporting a greater cause that I really care about. So far, though, I'm just an hourly worker, even though I'm working full-time. Hopefully within the next few weeks, I'll finally get some benefits--til then, I'm pretty sure I'm breaking the law right now by living in MA and not having health insurance.
I'm really excited to move back to Boston, but pretty ambivalent about leaving New York. It's been really hard accepting that our apartment will no longer be our apartment. That place is certainly rough around the edges, but there have been some really great memories in there, not the least sentimental of which being that it was the apartment where Alex and I really started our life together, and it's where we got Lady. New York and I have had a love-hate relationship from the start, and there are definitely some aspects of the City that I am going to miss. I'm going to miss having so many different kinds of restaurants all within a 5 minute walk. I'm going to miss all the dogs of the Upper East Side, and the City's general pet-friendly atmosphere. I'm going to miss the park down the street and the Central Park Reservoir, which was a great place to go for a quick run. Most of all, of course, I'm going to miss having so many people within a subway ride's distance. A very substantial group of my closest college friends are in New York, and though we didn't get to see each other as much as I would have liked, there was still a great comfort in knowing that we were all at least in the same city. It goes without saying that there are many things about New York that I won't miss, but now that I'm leaving, why get into the negatives? New York chewed us up and spit us out, and we were lucky to get out in one piece. Boston, on the other had, has welcomed us with open arms, offering us both jobs we can get excited about in the middle of a terrible recession. I just wish things had been different, because NYC really could have been great. There was no need to it to be as hard on us as it was.
Ok, so that's my new life in a nutshell.
But then there's the fact that 2008 has come and gone, and I have yet to do a "Year in Review" update, which Neha so enjoys. So, here goes.
I didn't think it would ever happen, but 2008 actually gave 2004 a run for its money in terms of eventfulness. Of course it's no coincidence that these two years happened to be times of major transitions from one stage of my life to the next, but what happened, both in 2004 and 2008, stretched far beyond academic transitions, and involved major changes in all areas of my life. In 2004, I got into college, graduated high school, started college, and lost both my grandparents. I made incredible new friends, and lost touch with old ones. I lived away from home for the first time, and I discovered a true love for Harvard, Cambridge, and the academic lifestyle. 2008, though, was different. I may have had a comparable number of major transitions, but the year left me feeling much more like a full-fledged adult than I ever could have imagined back in 2004. In 2008, I graduated from Harvard, moved in with Alex, started the fellowship, and eventually resigned from the fellowship. I fell more and more deeply in love with Alex, but felt the physical distance take its toll on the intimacy between my closest friends and me. I moved to New York, but was never able to separate myself from Boston, and thus never quite felt at home in the big city. Alex and I adopted Lady, and immediately my life changed. Having another living being completely dependent on me for survival has totally shifted my priorities, and I am so grateful we have her.
2008 was inflexible and unforgiving. It didn't care that I wasn't ready to leave Harvard, that I wanted nothing more than to live in the same building as my closest friends forever. It didn't want to hear about how there were so many more classes I wanted to take, and so many more chances to be inspired that it was asking me to leave behind. 2008 didn't care that I didn't think my brain was full of enough information and wisdom to confidently call myself a Harvard graduate, and actually believe it was true. It looked on apathetically as I cried, whether at the thought of my blockmates no longer being right beside me, at my struggles in the teaching fellowship, or at my fears of what may lie ahead. It offered no assistance in guiding me to the right career, and it laughed as I sent out dozens and dozens of resumes that companies and organizations would deem unworthy of any response. Instead of giving me time to accept one transition, it threw me into the next one, allowing it all to pile up and lead to the inevitable breakdown I had in October that led to my resignation.
I shake my fist at you, 2008. What good have you done for me?
But then I remember November 4th, 2008, the day that, for the first time since I had any actual political opinions, I finally felt proud of our country. I remember feeling as if I was actually watching a piece of history unfold, witnessing a moment that future generations would view as a turning point in our nation's development. I remember thinking that this must have been how people felt when JFK was around, and being so utterly grateful and excited to be part of such a great moment in history. On that one day, I wasn't thinking about the recession, or the war, or abortion or gun control or gay marriage or the death penalty. I wasn't thinking about politics--I was thinking about hope and change and love. It's hard to put into words what I was experiencing, but it made me want to be a better person. And on Inauguration Day--which admittedly was a part of 2009, but which I will link with 2008--this hope escalated to levels I had never experienced before. For the first time, I felt part of a country that will inspire others, whether individuals or groups or entire nations, to be better. On the night of the inauguration, one reporter interviewed Beyonce, whom I would never think of as politically minded, but who, through tears, attempted to express her humility and thankfulness at being able to sing for the 44th President and First Lady. She said Barack Obama made her want to be smarter, be more involved, be a better person, and I teared up at the realization that this is exactly how Obama makes me, and millions of others across the country, feel. The amount of impact this one man has had on the mentality of the entire country is truly astounding.
Thinking of election day made me think of gathering in Haibo and (then John, now Rohit)'s apartment, with too many people to fit on the one tiny couch and two stools, so many of us were seated on the floor. It reminded me of Benny falling asleep with his hand down his pants, which made me laugh out loud, and started me on a necessary look at 2008 from a more favorable perspective.
2008, just like New York, I suppose, had a lot of bad, but also quite a lot of good. January had intersession, and my trip to New Orleans with Harvard Habitat for Humanity. February had my first Valentine's Day with Alex, with its frigid walk to the empanada place for fried chicken. March had Sring Bake 2kGreat, which was basically the perfect spring break: no drama, just taking in the beautiful California coast and listening to soundtracks as we made our way up the open road. April was the start of Women's Crew--something I never could have imagined I'd be a part of, considering I didn't even know what crew was until I got to Harvard--which turned out to be an incredible experience. May had senior week, with Six Flags, the terrible let-down of the Booze Cruise, the Last Chance Dance, the Senior Soiree, and uninterrupted fun with friends, even if it was bittersweet as graduation approached. June had graduation and J. K. Rowling's beautiful speech, which, especially in comparison with Ben Bernanke's speech, so satisfactorily shut up all the people who had been complaining about her selection. July was my first month living with Alex, and was filled with excitement and plans for the future as we officially changed our default pronoun from "I" to "we." August was my family's trip to Wildwood and LB's amazing visit to NYC, a weekend filled with lines at the Shake Shack, reunions outside the Times Square movie theater, and music video shooting in Columbus Circle. August was also when we got Lady, the little light who wants nothing more than to spend every waking moment with us, and who absolutely melts my heart every time I walk in the door to find her greeting me, tail wagging furiously, with a toy in her mouth as a welcome home present. The summer months really were my favorite time in the City, as fewer people had yet had their souls devoured by work, and everyone was still in chipper spirits. September was the start of my job at Kingsbridge Elementary, where I fell in love with my fifth graders. Then there was October, an extremely emotional month when I resigned from the fellowship and admitted that I had, essentially, failed, but also the month of Halloween, with Jenny and KDawg coming over to put on silly wigs, drink cider, and watch Halloween in the dark. I had wanted a big Halloween party, but what I got was 2 Spa Girls, whom I love very much, and who really made the night absolutely perfect. October also had Death Cab at Radio City Music hall, as well as our first Girls Night, which was filled to the very brim with laughing til our stomachs hurt as we relived college and the past few months. November was karaoke and Harvard/Yale and election night. It was Shay's birthday and seeing all my soccer buddies from high school for the first time in years. And then finally there was December, with the Mass Hallers in NYC Christmas party, our Christmas party, my birthday, Christmas, and a nice, low-key New Year's Eve with Alex, some liquor, a deck of cards, and seven-layer dip.
So, 2008, I don't know what to think about you. I wonder how I'll look back on you in 20 years. What moments will stand out. Whether I'll think you were good to me or really screwed me over. It's really hard to tell. But you sure have offered some clarity:
-I will always love my friends. Even if we grow apart, the memories we have together will always be able to make me smile or even laugh out loud. Sometimes I get frustrated that we don't see enough of each other, but as soon as we're together, it all feels right again. I guess the whole "weaning oneself from college friends" process is inevitable as we take on this next stage of our lives, and with time I will make the adjustment to find that, even though we can't see each other every day anymore, our ties can still be just as strong and our relationship just as intimate, just in a different way.
-I'm not a big city person. I'm not excited by bright lights and 24-hour bars and stilettos and sparkly dresses. I don't have the same drive to work long hours and make lots of money and achieve conventional "success" that so many others have. And it's not that I'm trying to be critical of their life choices or anything--I simply cannot work up the motivation for that kind of life. I don't have the stamina to go out to bars every weekend. I would rather stay in and watch a movie or bake some cookies. Call me boring, but it's just the way I am.
-I will always, and I mean always, love Boston. Boston has gotten under my skin and won't go away. It will always be home.
-I still miss Harvard, just about every day. I don't know if I will ever stop missing it. It's funny to look back to high school when I was crying about graduating and leaving everything behind, and Mr. Boyd, a stats teacher and track coach, said "High School is nothing. College is the best years of your life." I remember questioning this statement, wondering if I was the girl who was backwards, who had already experienced the best years of her life in high school, and who had little to look forward to from there. But then college just blew me away, and I could see what he meant. Who would have thought that Mr. Boyd might know a thing or two about life? While I certainly recognize that there is a lot for me to look forward to still, I can't help but wonder, now, if Mr. Boyd was actually right, if college really was the best it's going to get. I could believe it, considering how much I loved Harvard, but I can honestly say that I think the best is yet to come. It may sound surprising, considering how much I reminisce on this thing, but I really am optimistic about the future.
-And regarding the future: I still have a lot to do in terms of figuring out what I want to do in my life. I still have a lot of configuring to do, but I do know that I will go to grad school, however possible. I thrive too much on the joys and challenges of academics to deprive myself of another opportunity to be in my element.
Maybe what 2008 was best for was letting me work things out. I met a lot of obstacles, but I think I came out as unharmed as I could have hoped, all things considered. Plus I got a really cute dog :).
(Have been copying and pasting this into Word in case my internet crashes or something, and I just looked at the word count. If you read this all the way to the bottom, I apologize for making you read 2,680 words, plus the 49 words the of this note).
It's tough to know where to begin, but I guess I'll start with a quick update about where I am now. Alex and I have moved/are moving back to Boston, where we both recently started new jobs. We have actually been living with my parents for the past few weeks, as we had to start work before we were able to move into our new apartment. The apartment is an incredible two-story two bedroom in Central Square for just over half of what we were paying for rent in New York. We'll be making the move this weekend. The past month has been incredibly hectic, with Alex and me in Randolph/Boston on weekdays, and then in NYC on weekends, trying to pack up the apartment and make the transition to our new life. Very very fortunately, though, Alex and I both have been really enjoying our new jobs. He's a statistical programmer at Harvard's Institute of Quantitative Social Science, where he's working on a project involving social networks and making connections among inventors of the past. He's also working as a consultant for a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health, again doing programming, and this project involves tracking hospital-related infection transmission. I have been working as a research assistant at UMass Boston's Center for Social Development and Education. I've been involved in two projects so far, one studying and discouraging the vernacular use of the r-word ("retard" and "retarded"), and one evaluating an inclusive athletics program for intellectually disabled elementary school students. I've really liked the work so far. I feel needed, as there is a lot for me to do, and satisfied, knowing that my work is supporting a greater cause that I really care about. So far, though, I'm just an hourly worker, even though I'm working full-time. Hopefully within the next few weeks, I'll finally get some benefits--til then, I'm pretty sure I'm breaking the law right now by living in MA and not having health insurance.
I'm really excited to move back to Boston, but pretty ambivalent about leaving New York. It's been really hard accepting that our apartment will no longer be our apartment. That place is certainly rough around the edges, but there have been some really great memories in there, not the least sentimental of which being that it was the apartment where Alex and I really started our life together, and it's where we got Lady. New York and I have had a love-hate relationship from the start, and there are definitely some aspects of the City that I am going to miss. I'm going to miss having so many different kinds of restaurants all within a 5 minute walk. I'm going to miss all the dogs of the Upper East Side, and the City's general pet-friendly atmosphere. I'm going to miss the park down the street and the Central Park Reservoir, which was a great place to go for a quick run. Most of all, of course, I'm going to miss having so many people within a subway ride's distance. A very substantial group of my closest college friends are in New York, and though we didn't get to see each other as much as I would have liked, there was still a great comfort in knowing that we were all at least in the same city. It goes without saying that there are many things about New York that I won't miss, but now that I'm leaving, why get into the negatives? New York chewed us up and spit us out, and we were lucky to get out in one piece. Boston, on the other had, has welcomed us with open arms, offering us both jobs we can get excited about in the middle of a terrible recession. I just wish things had been different, because NYC really could have been great. There was no need to it to be as hard on us as it was.
Ok, so that's my new life in a nutshell.
But then there's the fact that 2008 has come and gone, and I have yet to do a "Year in Review" update, which Neha so enjoys. So, here goes.
I didn't think it would ever happen, but 2008 actually gave 2004 a run for its money in terms of eventfulness. Of course it's no coincidence that these two years happened to be times of major transitions from one stage of my life to the next, but what happened, both in 2004 and 2008, stretched far beyond academic transitions, and involved major changes in all areas of my life. In 2004, I got into college, graduated high school, started college, and lost both my grandparents. I made incredible new friends, and lost touch with old ones. I lived away from home for the first time, and I discovered a true love for Harvard, Cambridge, and the academic lifestyle. 2008, though, was different. I may have had a comparable number of major transitions, but the year left me feeling much more like a full-fledged adult than I ever could have imagined back in 2004. In 2008, I graduated from Harvard, moved in with Alex, started the fellowship, and eventually resigned from the fellowship. I fell more and more deeply in love with Alex, but felt the physical distance take its toll on the intimacy between my closest friends and me. I moved to New York, but was never able to separate myself from Boston, and thus never quite felt at home in the big city. Alex and I adopted Lady, and immediately my life changed. Having another living being completely dependent on me for survival has totally shifted my priorities, and I am so grateful we have her.
2008 was inflexible and unforgiving. It didn't care that I wasn't ready to leave Harvard, that I wanted nothing more than to live in the same building as my closest friends forever. It didn't want to hear about how there were so many more classes I wanted to take, and so many more chances to be inspired that it was asking me to leave behind. 2008 didn't care that I didn't think my brain was full of enough information and wisdom to confidently call myself a Harvard graduate, and actually believe it was true. It looked on apathetically as I cried, whether at the thought of my blockmates no longer being right beside me, at my struggles in the teaching fellowship, or at my fears of what may lie ahead. It offered no assistance in guiding me to the right career, and it laughed as I sent out dozens and dozens of resumes that companies and organizations would deem unworthy of any response. Instead of giving me time to accept one transition, it threw me into the next one, allowing it all to pile up and lead to the inevitable breakdown I had in October that led to my resignation.
I shake my fist at you, 2008. What good have you done for me?
But then I remember November 4th, 2008, the day that, for the first time since I had any actual political opinions, I finally felt proud of our country. I remember feeling as if I was actually watching a piece of history unfold, witnessing a moment that future generations would view as a turning point in our nation's development. I remember thinking that this must have been how people felt when JFK was around, and being so utterly grateful and excited to be part of such a great moment in history. On that one day, I wasn't thinking about the recession, or the war, or abortion or gun control or gay marriage or the death penalty. I wasn't thinking about politics--I was thinking about hope and change and love. It's hard to put into words what I was experiencing, but it made me want to be a better person. And on Inauguration Day--which admittedly was a part of 2009, but which I will link with 2008--this hope escalated to levels I had never experienced before. For the first time, I felt part of a country that will inspire others, whether individuals or groups or entire nations, to be better. On the night of the inauguration, one reporter interviewed Beyonce, whom I would never think of as politically minded, but who, through tears, attempted to express her humility and thankfulness at being able to sing for the 44th President and First Lady. She said Barack Obama made her want to be smarter, be more involved, be a better person, and I teared up at the realization that this is exactly how Obama makes me, and millions of others across the country, feel. The amount of impact this one man has had on the mentality of the entire country is truly astounding.
Thinking of election day made me think of gathering in Haibo and (then John, now Rohit)'s apartment, with too many people to fit on the one tiny couch and two stools, so many of us were seated on the floor. It reminded me of Benny falling asleep with his hand down his pants, which made me laugh out loud, and started me on a necessary look at 2008 from a more favorable perspective.
2008, just like New York, I suppose, had a lot of bad, but also quite a lot of good. January had intersession, and my trip to New Orleans with Harvard Habitat for Humanity. February had my first Valentine's Day with Alex, with its frigid walk to the empanada place for fried chicken. March had Sring Bake 2kGreat, which was basically the perfect spring break: no drama, just taking in the beautiful California coast and listening to soundtracks as we made our way up the open road. April was the start of Women's Crew--something I never could have imagined I'd be a part of, considering I didn't even know what crew was until I got to Harvard--which turned out to be an incredible experience. May had senior week, with Six Flags, the terrible let-down of the Booze Cruise, the Last Chance Dance, the Senior Soiree, and uninterrupted fun with friends, even if it was bittersweet as graduation approached. June had graduation and J. K. Rowling's beautiful speech, which, especially in comparison with Ben Bernanke's speech, so satisfactorily shut up all the people who had been complaining about her selection. July was my first month living with Alex, and was filled with excitement and plans for the future as we officially changed our default pronoun from "I" to "we." August was my family's trip to Wildwood and LB's amazing visit to NYC, a weekend filled with lines at the Shake Shack, reunions outside the Times Square movie theater, and music video shooting in Columbus Circle. August was also when we got Lady, the little light who wants nothing more than to spend every waking moment with us, and who absolutely melts my heart every time I walk in the door to find her greeting me, tail wagging furiously, with a toy in her mouth as a welcome home present. The summer months really were my favorite time in the City, as fewer people had yet had their souls devoured by work, and everyone was still in chipper spirits. September was the start of my job at Kingsbridge Elementary, where I fell in love with my fifth graders. Then there was October, an extremely emotional month when I resigned from the fellowship and admitted that I had, essentially, failed, but also the month of Halloween, with Jenny and KDawg coming over to put on silly wigs, drink cider, and watch Halloween in the dark. I had wanted a big Halloween party, but what I got was 2 Spa Girls, whom I love very much, and who really made the night absolutely perfect. October also had Death Cab at Radio City Music hall, as well as our first Girls Night, which was filled to the very brim with laughing til our stomachs hurt as we relived college and the past few months. November was karaoke and Harvard/Yale and election night. It was Shay's birthday and seeing all my soccer buddies from high school for the first time in years. And then finally there was December, with the Mass Hallers in NYC Christmas party, our Christmas party, my birthday, Christmas, and a nice, low-key New Year's Eve with Alex, some liquor, a deck of cards, and seven-layer dip.
So, 2008, I don't know what to think about you. I wonder how I'll look back on you in 20 years. What moments will stand out. Whether I'll think you were good to me or really screwed me over. It's really hard to tell. But you sure have offered some clarity:
-I will always love my friends. Even if we grow apart, the memories we have together will always be able to make me smile or even laugh out loud. Sometimes I get frustrated that we don't see enough of each other, but as soon as we're together, it all feels right again. I guess the whole "weaning oneself from college friends" process is inevitable as we take on this next stage of our lives, and with time I will make the adjustment to find that, even though we can't see each other every day anymore, our ties can still be just as strong and our relationship just as intimate, just in a different way.
-I'm not a big city person. I'm not excited by bright lights and 24-hour bars and stilettos and sparkly dresses. I don't have the same drive to work long hours and make lots of money and achieve conventional "success" that so many others have. And it's not that I'm trying to be critical of their life choices or anything--I simply cannot work up the motivation for that kind of life. I don't have the stamina to go out to bars every weekend. I would rather stay in and watch a movie or bake some cookies. Call me boring, but it's just the way I am.
-I will always, and I mean always, love Boston. Boston has gotten under my skin and won't go away. It will always be home.
-I still miss Harvard, just about every day. I don't know if I will ever stop missing it. It's funny to look back to high school when I was crying about graduating and leaving everything behind, and Mr. Boyd, a stats teacher and track coach, said "High School is nothing. College is the best years of your life." I remember questioning this statement, wondering if I was the girl who was backwards, who had already experienced the best years of her life in high school, and who had little to look forward to from there. But then college just blew me away, and I could see what he meant. Who would have thought that Mr. Boyd might know a thing or two about life? While I certainly recognize that there is a lot for me to look forward to still, I can't help but wonder, now, if Mr. Boyd was actually right, if college really was the best it's going to get. I could believe it, considering how much I loved Harvard, but I can honestly say that I think the best is yet to come. It may sound surprising, considering how much I reminisce on this thing, but I really am optimistic about the future.
-And regarding the future: I still have a lot to do in terms of figuring out what I want to do in my life. I still have a lot of configuring to do, but I do know that I will go to grad school, however possible. I thrive too much on the joys and challenges of academics to deprive myself of another opportunity to be in my element.
Maybe what 2008 was best for was letting me work things out. I met a lot of obstacles, but I think I came out as unharmed as I could have hoped, all things considered. Plus I got a really cute dog :).
(Have been copying and pasting this into Word in case my internet crashes or something, and I just looked at the word count. If you read this all the way to the bottom, I apologize for making you read 2,680 words, plus the 49 words the of this note).