why?

[mellytundra]

i feel so trapt, like a rat in a cage with no way out, everywhere i turn is another dissapointment, another failed opertunity or risk im not willing to take. im tired of crying, im tired of stressing! i don;t even know how calm i seem but everything has been making me cry lately and it's all i can do to hide it, im tired of trying to fit in and being an attention whore to get attention simply casue no one would notice me if i didnt. i seem a spaz and am the way i am because i tried to fit in and got as far as i am, i feel like a i'm underwater, everyones at the top or at least above me and im struggleing to reach them..and they don't even know i've gone under, like im trapped in a dark room and the lights in the open door, but all the shadows at the edge of the door are oving so i dare not go near it, i can hear them all, but no one ask's for me. im that pack of stuff for the water in a stem (bouque?) you didnt ask for me, i just got thrown in with the flowers, you look at me, then put me down or throw me away, im so tired of fretting, not even high school things, things like "am i being to much of an attention whore?" "do they even like me" "will we ever see eachother after this?" "if not does anything i do matter?" "why do i care?" "why can i not care?" "what will i do later?" "where am i gunna go?" "is this all i'll ever get?" "does anyone see me?" "do I matter?" "why does no one care?" "what if i never get anyone?" "why doesn't anyone like me?" "am i likeable?" "should i change?" "what if no one likes the changed me?"

i'm drowning and no one cares...