Bunch of random crap and some venting...
Thought I'd try journaling today, since there is so much on my mind that I can't seem to put into the proper place mentally.
First of all, I'm TIRED OF THE BULLSH*T. I seem to hear more and more B.S. from those around me and it's driving me insane. It is to the point that I only half listen to those people which I am in contact on a daily basis, and then have to filter out about a third of that to get any semblance of truth. Today I was called a "pessimist". I have NEVER in my LIFE been a pessimist, and I don't intent to start now. I am just a realist. I know - from repeated experiences - that this person is going to pay late, this person is going to try to make themselves seem smarter than they are, this person is going to try to get out of trouble, and this person is going to lie his ass off in order to make people like him. This is just the way this current group of people are, and since I *have* to be in their presence, I know that these things are going to occur. I plan (or do not plan) my life accordingly. This doesn't make me a pessimist, it makes me a realist.
You want to change my outlook? Try this: do what you say you are going to do, stop trying to top everyone else's stories, tell the truth about what you've done, and stop making excuses for why things didn't happen the way they were supposed to.
I had the most wonderful experience of hanging out with a treasured friend on Sunday, and I haven't had such unadulterated (and fully clothed) fun in such a LOOOONG time! Thank you SO MUCH, dear one, for that. It was so appreciated. I love you beyond measure and always will. I will be here to help you through this time, but I cannot take the pain away. Hell, I probably can't even make it less, as much as I would do whatever I could to make it so. I'm here, whenever you need me, in whatever capacity I am able. But, this is your lesson, which you must learn.
I really have been feeling the opposite of the "no man is an island" lately. I understand what that statement means, but I feel very introverted. Not voluntarily, mind you, but by the situation. Mikal and I are on this particularly discouraging job which causes a bunch of stress. Mikal handles stress by "checking out", and I feel like I'm just filling time a lot. He would see it differently, I'm sure, so discussing it with him feels rather futile. I'm sure that when the stress eases up we'll be able to talk more about it. But, until then, I just hang out.
I find myself being short-tempered and grumpy a lot. I try to acknowledge when that happens and try to alter that mood consciously. It's a spiritual thing for me: like attracts like, and if I feel grumpy I will facilitate being grumpy. So, if I surround myself with happy and positive thoughts, then I will feel happy and positive...or at least that's the plan. Doesn't always work that way. I feel like I am not appreciated for my intelligence. Rather, I feel that I am not thought of as intelligent as I am. I am always having to "prove" that I am right. NO, that's not it, either. I am always being checked up on to see if I am right. Like I couldn't possibly be right, so we must verify the facts. Of course, more times than not I am proven to, in fact, be correct, and it's infuriating!!! More so than these people giving me the bullshit service I've been getting.
It's a trust thing. I am not trusted, but it's a different kind of trust than having an affair. I am not trusted to be smart enough. I'm not trusted to be right. I am not trusted to know enough about what I'm doing or what's going on around me. I hate being treated like I'm a child, when I've gone through so much in the past year. I may not know as much as someone else does about a particular subject, but that doesn't mean I can't be RIGHT about something pertaining to that subject. It doesn't take a train conductor to see that a train has jumped the tracks, you know.
I think I just need a break. I don't feel like much is my own any more. I feel like I am always having to cater to the fragile egos of the people I'm around, and I don't like it. Deal with your problems the way you need to, but leave me out of it unless there is something specific I can do to help - OTHER than be the outlet for your frustration. I have been the "whipping girl" for far too long, and I won't be it any more. Sure, I'm being rather defensive of late, but that's because just about everything pertaining to this situation makes me feel rather "attacked".
OK, so this vent has been rather pessimistic. I take it back. I long to be appreciated and, for lack of a better term, "GOOD ENOUGH". I am loved and cherished, and I appreciate that, but there is more to me. I am smart, I am intelligent, I am proficient in what I do.
And, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING FUNNY ANY MORE!
Until tomorrow. I'll be funny again tomorrow. Because, well, I must just grin and bear it and get my kicks in when I can.
First of all, I'm TIRED OF THE BULLSH*T. I seem to hear more and more B.S. from those around me and it's driving me insane. It is to the point that I only half listen to those people which I am in contact on a daily basis, and then have to filter out about a third of that to get any semblance of truth. Today I was called a "pessimist". I have NEVER in my LIFE been a pessimist, and I don't intent to start now. I am just a realist. I know - from repeated experiences - that this person is going to pay late, this person is going to try to make themselves seem smarter than they are, this person is going to try to get out of trouble, and this person is going to lie his ass off in order to make people like him. This is just the way this current group of people are, and since I *have* to be in their presence, I know that these things are going to occur. I plan (or do not plan) my life accordingly. This doesn't make me a pessimist, it makes me a realist.
You want to change my outlook? Try this: do what you say you are going to do, stop trying to top everyone else's stories, tell the truth about what you've done, and stop making excuses for why things didn't happen the way they were supposed to.
I had the most wonderful experience of hanging out with a treasured friend on Sunday, and I haven't had such unadulterated (and fully clothed) fun in such a LOOOONG time! Thank you SO MUCH, dear one, for that. It was so appreciated. I love you beyond measure and always will. I will be here to help you through this time, but I cannot take the pain away. Hell, I probably can't even make it less, as much as I would do whatever I could to make it so. I'm here, whenever you need me, in whatever capacity I am able. But, this is your lesson, which you must learn.
I really have been feeling the opposite of the "no man is an island" lately. I understand what that statement means, but I feel very introverted. Not voluntarily, mind you, but by the situation. Mikal and I are on this particularly discouraging job which causes a bunch of stress. Mikal handles stress by "checking out", and I feel like I'm just filling time a lot. He would see it differently, I'm sure, so discussing it with him feels rather futile. I'm sure that when the stress eases up we'll be able to talk more about it. But, until then, I just hang out.
I find myself being short-tempered and grumpy a lot. I try to acknowledge when that happens and try to alter that mood consciously. It's a spiritual thing for me: like attracts like, and if I feel grumpy I will facilitate being grumpy. So, if I surround myself with happy and positive thoughts, then I will feel happy and positive...or at least that's the plan. Doesn't always work that way. I feel like I am not appreciated for my intelligence. Rather, I feel that I am not thought of as intelligent as I am. I am always having to "prove" that I am right. NO, that's not it, either. I am always being checked up on to see if I am right. Like I couldn't possibly be right, so we must verify the facts. Of course, more times than not I am proven to, in fact, be correct, and it's infuriating!!! More so than these people giving me the bullshit service I've been getting.
It's a trust thing. I am not trusted, but it's a different kind of trust than having an affair. I am not trusted to be smart enough. I'm not trusted to be right. I am not trusted to know enough about what I'm doing or what's going on around me. I hate being treated like I'm a child, when I've gone through so much in the past year. I may not know as much as someone else does about a particular subject, but that doesn't mean I can't be RIGHT about something pertaining to that subject. It doesn't take a train conductor to see that a train has jumped the tracks, you know.
I think I just need a break. I don't feel like much is my own any more. I feel like I am always having to cater to the fragile egos of the people I'm around, and I don't like it. Deal with your problems the way you need to, but leave me out of it unless there is something specific I can do to help - OTHER than be the outlet for your frustration. I have been the "whipping girl" for far too long, and I won't be it any more. Sure, I'm being rather defensive of late, but that's because just about everything pertaining to this situation makes me feel rather "attacked".
OK, so this vent has been rather pessimistic. I take it back. I long to be appreciated and, for lack of a better term, "GOOD ENOUGH". I am loved and cherished, and I appreciate that, but there is more to me. I am smart, I am intelligent, I am proficient in what I do.
And, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING FUNNY ANY MORE!
Until tomorrow. I'll be funny again tomorrow. Because, well, I must just grin and bear it and get my kicks in when I can.