"bringing home baby" by Mika Dan
Giving us sporking gems once again. This time, Mika ventures into the unexplored territory of slash parings and male pregnancy! The summary is "tom gives birth to a baby." This is my favorite story out of all of her stories because it's so messed up. There's a lot of stuff seriously wrong with this story and it makes me laugh each time!
This story is really lame. Here are a few gems! At the end I include whole sections -- they're hilarious!
Tom lays on the hospital bed all shriveled up like a prune with his huge belly (a shriveled up prune with his huge belly. I cannot stop laughing), wincing at the unbearable contractions that come his way. Bindi, Bill’s twin sister, holds Tom’s hand. Bill rubs his forehead. “Are you okay, babe?” Tom looks up at Bill with eyes filled with hatred.
---
“I want some peanut butter,” Tom whines. Gross. Peanut butter. Mika Dan disapproves of peanut butter.
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“Yeah! A kiss!” Bill leans forward and brushes their lips, together. Yes, together. Awkward, comma usage.
---
“what do you think the baby is going to be?” Umm, I dunno, a BABY maybe? A HUMAN baby? What else are you expecting? An alien?
“I do not know… What about you?...”
“I don’t know…” It is so funny how Tom was the one to get
pregnant! It sure is a mystery as to how it came to be what it is! But whatever. Meh. How male pregnancy works doesn't matter. Too much to explain. We should really thank Mika Dan for sparing us the details.
“What should we name it if it is a girl?”
“I kind of like the name Zalieaila…” Zalieaila. 6 vowels. WTF
“Zalieaila… That is a very pretty name… Where did you get that name from?”
“I was high when I made it up.” Bill smiles at Tom’s creative side. Why, hello there, Tom's creative side. I didn't see you come in. How have you been?
“So what should we name it if it is a boy?”
“I don’t know… Maybe, Bradliey?...” Brad-liey? It has been settled that the baby is going to be taken today around a little after lunch time. What is this "taken?" And obviously a baby can not come out of a penis (...obviously...) so he will have a C- section. ... That was without question the strangest and most messed up sentence I have ever read. Tom is the man of the relationship but he is also the one carrying the baby. Thanks for clearing that up. You're so good at clarifying things.
---
“Tom, I think I want to get boob implants…” This is seriously the sentence that begins the next chapter. It can only get better worse from here.
“Why?”
“So the baby will not grow up knowing that his parents are gay… Do you know how much he would get picked on in school for that?... I do not want that for our precious little baby…” Yes, getting boob implants would solve everything; having an obviously male father with boobs... kids would NEVER tease you for that.
---
Bindi (o hai Bindi, didn't see you there. I know so much about you, you have such character depth despite only being mentioned twice!) sits in the waiting room with everyone else as Bill and Tom prepare for the C- section. As the doctor sets up the blue color fabric wall (Setting up the blue color fabric wall is a major step in delivering a baby), Bill grabs Tom’s hand and starts singing. Tom laughs. “Bill, this is it… We get to meet our baby…” Bill smiles big in a cheesy way. Hm... I think he smiled in a cheddar sort of manner. He looks behind the curtain wall blocking Tom’s view ??? I am not sure as to where the characters and props are positioned and his face turns white. “Have they started yet?” LOL "have they started yet?" How can you not notice getting a cesarean section getting done on you?!? Your abdomen is cut open. LOL Before Bill can answer his lovers question the sound of a squalling (squalling... doesn't that have to do with weather?) baby fills the room.
Bill trembles with excitement. “Oh my god, Tom! That is our baby! That is our baby!” Tom smiles and swallows. The fact that Tom is not pregnant anymore sends a shock of pity and happiness through his body all at once. LOL at the emotions. WTF "I pity you for not being pregnant anymore." Because that makes sense.
“What is it?!” What is what? Before Bill can answer Tom, he falls out on the floor as another screeching cry fills the room. ...falls out on the floor, huh? That's always dangerous. “What the hell,” Tom screams trying to figure out what’s going on. I love how Tom reacts like this during his cesarean section.
“Congratulations! You have to beautiful twins! A boy and a girl!”
“What!? We are only prepared for one! Put the other back!” Such a caring father.
“No can do buddy… I’m sorry…” No can do.
---
“Bill, put down that damn milkshake and get the hell over here and changer your daughters diaper!” Bill is infamous for always holding milkshakes. Mika Dan has given us plenty of background about this. And milkshakes? That's really random.
“Ugh! Why do I have to be the one to change Araceli?”
“Because you have to wipe her vagina! o_O When it's a baby, you really aren't supposed to think of their genitals like this... It's a BABY. And you have more time to do that than I do!” I ain't got no time for wipin' vaginas! Bill stomps his foot but changes her diaper any way. Tom always gets to change Brendon’s diaper! Lucky Tom.
---
These two little buggcuddles never sleep. What the heck is a buggcuddle?
---
“Okay.” Bill is starving for the late night attention that they have gone so long without. Thankfully men do not have periods. THANKFULLY.If they did that would be fucked up. Tell me about it. Then Bill would hardly ever get action. Yeah, that would mess everything up. He watches quietly and sits down on the edge of the bed with Araceli as Tom begins to feed Brendon. It isn't mentioned, but I assume this is breastfeeding.
“You know, boobs are disgusting. I’m so glad I do not have them…” Bill rolls his eyes. Bill, don't you remember? You were thinking of getting boobs to not scar your children being raised by a gay couple.
“Tomie, I know you are bisexual.” Tom’s eyes grow wide with panic automatically wanting proof as to how he knows. “I found lesbian and straight porn on the computer a few months ago. These are the universal qualifications for being bisexual. Which also explains the come stain on your favorite underwear that you always try to prevent come stains on. *cracks up* wtf is this? And I know you did not get that from me! We haven’t even had time to get boners! This is comedy gold, seriously. It’s crazy!” It sure is.
“I have one right now.” *awkward silence* That is MESSED UP. He's currently breastfeeding his child.
“What the hell Tom!?” Bill...I thought you were looking forward to late night attention you've been going so long without.
“I’m sorry! I can’t help it!” Just as I can't help laughing at you.
That story is all kinds of messed up. I think it's my favorite so far! Let's see what other readers and reviewers thought! LOL This is her most reviewed story. I LOVE BrokenMirror's review.
BrokenMirror: I have never laughed like this in a while now! I sincerely hope that was your intention, because this is a genius crack fic xD “Well it got me to thinking and maybe gender swap isn’t such a bad idea…” *dies*
tomgasm: This needs work. All I'm gonna say, instead of going over every aspect of where all the mistakes are. It needs work.
MissAnna: "...Put the other back!” XD
I laughed so hard. What happened to the long Z name for the baby girl lol. She may not have been able to pronounce it until she was 7 XD
kittyskull: Yay they had twins !! :D
Lola: LOLLL! interesting...
Konoto: I don't really know how to say this but you should ask for a beta to check on this, I dunno if the redaction is poor or something else but I feel something if off with this story. It just doesn't catch my attention.
With this rousing support, let's move on! I KNEW this was gonna be my fave story, and I think it's only gonna get better from here!
As soon as they babies are down for their next nap, Tom is waiting for me on the couch. “Billie?” I sit down next to him and wrap him in my arms, kissing his forehead. Ever since he had got pregnant he has been the woman of the relationship. I thought he was the man of the relationship. We went over this. Hopefully Tom will get over that soon. So Bill can go back to being the woman of the relationship and thinking about breast implants for the sake of their child's sanity.
“Yes, love?”
“Remember when we were at the store today, getting diapers?” Getting diapers is a needed detail.
“I do.”
“Did you notice that everyone was staring at us?”
“No…”
“Well it got me to thinking and maybe gender swap isn’t such a bad idea…” LOL There you go! But who does Bill mean the swap to be for? Himself? Or Tom? Tom DID have the babies. AND LOL it's just a simple gender swap. Like trading pokemon cards. AND ADDITIONAL lols at the difference in gender swap and sex swap. Sex and gender are a bit different. Sex change is what Mika meant to say, surely.
“I don’t want to do it because you’re ashamed… I want to do it for the babies… Maybe I could even… Never mind…” ...Who said this? Bill, or Tom? I think it's Bill. Mika's dialogue is deplorable. Bill looks down and Tom pulls his chin upward.
“No, babe… Tell me what you were going to say.”
“Breast feed… Maybe… If it would be possible…” But I thought Tom breastfeeds? And I thought boobs disgusted Bill, and that if one of them were a woman, periods would ruin everything? That was just a chapter ago, Mika! Tom’s heart flutters against his chest.
“Y-you would really do that for them?” They press their foreheads together.
“Absolutely.” Tom crushes his lips against Bill’s.
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Tom stares at the woman standing in front of him. She looks just like Bill. Tom’s Bill. The only difference is that this Bill now has boobs. Big boobs. Because with such a thin and skinny frame, giant boobs are totally proportionate and appropriate. And a vagina.
*cracks up* POOF! Gender swap, just like magic! Multiple complex surgeries! Mountains of paperwork and legal issues! Years of counseling to make the change! POOF! All done without even typing a paragraph!! LOL I'm loling hard! XD
“Bill,” Tom asks with curiosity. He smiles and braces himself as Bill runs to him with open arms. Bill wouldn’t let Tom see him at all until he was finished. Years later. The kids are surely grown up by now. Tom smiles and holds him in his arms. “Billa, you’re beautiful!” This story is gold.
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Bill’s point of view
Bill pushes the stroller as a tall man with a buff body and brown hair follows him. Where are they? The park? At home still? “Hey, cutie…” Bill turns to face him but he doesn’t smile. He slaps the man across the face as hard as he can. You know, technically this isn't Bill's point of view. It's still in the third person...
“Tomie,” Bill calls out with a frightened voice. Tom comes from the chip isle. OH, so they're at the store. I had no idea. Thanks Mika.
“Yes hunny?” Bill falls in to his arms crying. What a girl. The tall buff man eyes Tom then walks away. “What’s wrong, love?”
“He thought I was a girl and called me cutie… Then I slapped him…” This is worth crying over, and making a scene in the grocery store. The shame; that buff man with brown hair calling a girl a cutie. Horrible experience. Tom chuckles and hold Bill tighter.
“It’s okay, babe… Let’s go check out and get home… Maybe we can take a bubble bath when the babies go down for their next nap…”
“Tomie? Why did we name our daughter Araceli?” Because being Araceli's other father, she doesn't know why they've named their kids what they did. Tom looks down at his beautiful daughter looking around the store. She’s a spitting image of Tom himself. And that’s what you call a pretty baby! *facepalm* He smiles.
“Because when I was little my best friends name was Araceli. But she was in a car accident when she was in fourth grade and died. Then her brother committed suicide in his closet with his daddy’s belt and shoelaces the next day.” Bill smiles. WTF what kind of sadistic bastard smiles at a horrible story like that?!!?!?!?!?!? That's horrible!“You know what, we have not had sex yet…” From baby names, to death and suicide, to sex. Oh, Mika! I love how you dwell on topics.
“Well, I am sure we can change that sometime today.”
“It’ll be the first time I’ve ever fucked a girl… You were my first lover, my first guy, my first kiss, my first blowjob, my first sex, my first attempt at writing a slash pairing, which I do so astoundingly badly, my first everything… And I never would have thought that you would be my first girl, too.” I think I'm gonna hurl. Bill smiles and leans in to Tom’s shoulder as the walk to the car.
Chapter End Notes:
soory it's so short
I knew Mika Dan wasn't comfortable with slash. She's a het girl at heart. So what does she do? Give Bill a magical sex change and all is well. XD This is my favorite story by Mika. It's utterly ridiculous. It's so bad, BrokenMirror thought it was good-- genius crack, written badly on purpose to make people laugh. I think Mika is being serious. She is really writing this with serious intentions. That disturbs me. Is she really so oblivious????
This story is really lame. Here are a few gems! At the end I include whole sections -- they're hilarious!
Tom lays on the hospital bed all shriveled up like a prune with his huge belly (a shriveled up prune with his huge belly. I cannot stop laughing), wincing at the unbearable contractions that come his way. Bindi, Bill’s twin sister, holds Tom’s hand. Bill rubs his forehead. “Are you okay, babe?” Tom looks up at Bill with eyes filled with hatred.
---
“I want some peanut butter,” Tom whines. Gross. Peanut butter. Mika Dan disapproves of peanut butter.
---
“Yeah! A kiss!” Bill leans forward and brushes their lips, together. Yes, together. Awkward, comma usage.
---
“what do you think the baby is going to be?” Umm, I dunno, a BABY maybe? A HUMAN baby? What else are you expecting? An alien?
“I do not know… What about you?...”
“I don’t know…” It is so funny how Tom was the one to get
pregnant! It sure is a mystery as to how it came to be what it is! But whatever. Meh. How male pregnancy works doesn't matter. Too much to explain. We should really thank Mika Dan for sparing us the details.
“What should we name it if it is a girl?”
“I kind of like the name Zalieaila…” Zalieaila. 6 vowels. WTF
“Zalieaila… That is a very pretty name… Where did you get that name from?”
“I was high when I made it up.” Bill smiles at Tom’s creative side. Why, hello there, Tom's creative side. I didn't see you come in. How have you been?
“So what should we name it if it is a boy?”
“I don’t know… Maybe, Bradliey?...” Brad-liey? It has been settled that the baby is going to be taken today around a little after lunch time. What is this "taken?" And obviously a baby can not come out of a penis (...obviously...) so he will have a C- section. ... That was without question the strangest and most messed up sentence I have ever read. Tom is the man of the relationship but he is also the one carrying the baby. Thanks for clearing that up. You're so good at clarifying things.
---
“Tom, I think I want to get boob implants…” This is seriously the sentence that begins the next chapter. It can only get better worse from here.
“Why?”
“So the baby will not grow up knowing that his parents are gay… Do you know how much he would get picked on in school for that?... I do not want that for our precious little baby…” Yes, getting boob implants would solve everything; having an obviously male father with boobs... kids would NEVER tease you for that.
---
Bindi (o hai Bindi, didn't see you there. I know so much about you, you have such character depth despite only being mentioned twice!) sits in the waiting room with everyone else as Bill and Tom prepare for the C- section. As the doctor sets up the blue color fabric wall (Setting up the blue color fabric wall is a major step in delivering a baby), Bill grabs Tom’s hand and starts singing. Tom laughs. “Bill, this is it… We get to meet our baby…” Bill smiles big in a cheesy way. Hm... I think he smiled in a cheddar sort of manner. He looks behind the curtain wall blocking Tom’s view ??? I am not sure as to where the characters and props are positioned and his face turns white. “Have they started yet?” LOL "have they started yet?" How can you not notice getting a cesarean section getting done on you?!? Your abdomen is cut open. LOL Before Bill can answer his lovers question the sound of a squalling (squalling... doesn't that have to do with weather?) baby fills the room.
Bill trembles with excitement. “Oh my god, Tom! That is our baby! That is our baby!” Tom smiles and swallows. The fact that Tom is not pregnant anymore sends a shock of pity and happiness through his body all at once. LOL at the emotions. WTF "I pity you for not being pregnant anymore." Because that makes sense.
“What is it?!” What is what? Before Bill can answer Tom, he falls out on the floor as another screeching cry fills the room. ...falls out on the floor, huh? That's always dangerous. “What the hell,” Tom screams trying to figure out what’s going on. I love how Tom reacts like this during his cesarean section.
“Congratulations! You have to beautiful twins! A boy and a girl!”
“What!? We are only prepared for one! Put the other back!” Such a caring father.
“No can do buddy… I’m sorry…” No can do.
---
“Bill, put down that damn milkshake and get the hell over here and changer your daughters diaper!” Bill is infamous for always holding milkshakes. Mika Dan has given us plenty of background about this. And milkshakes? That's really random.
“Ugh! Why do I have to be the one to change Araceli?”
“Because you have to wipe her vagina! o_O When it's a baby, you really aren't supposed to think of their genitals like this... It's a BABY. And you have more time to do that than I do!” I ain't got no time for wipin' vaginas! Bill stomps his foot but changes her diaper any way. Tom always gets to change Brendon’s diaper! Lucky Tom.
---
These two little buggcuddles never sleep. What the heck is a buggcuddle?
---
“Okay.” Bill is starving for the late night attention that they have gone so long without. Thankfully men do not have periods. THANKFULLY.If they did that would be fucked up. Tell me about it. Then Bill would hardly ever get action. Yeah, that would mess everything up. He watches quietly and sits down on the edge of the bed with Araceli as Tom begins to feed Brendon. It isn't mentioned, but I assume this is breastfeeding.
“You know, boobs are disgusting. I’m so glad I do not have them…” Bill rolls his eyes. Bill, don't you remember? You were thinking of getting boobs to not scar your children being raised by a gay couple.
“Tomie, I know you are bisexual.” Tom’s eyes grow wide with panic automatically wanting proof as to how he knows. “I found lesbian and straight porn on the computer a few months ago. These are the universal qualifications for being bisexual. Which also explains the come stain on your favorite underwear that you always try to prevent come stains on. *cracks up* wtf is this? And I know you did not get that from me! We haven’t even had time to get boners! This is comedy gold, seriously. It’s crazy!” It sure is.
“I have one right now.” *awkward silence* That is MESSED UP. He's currently breastfeeding his child.
“What the hell Tom!?” Bill...I thought you were looking forward to late night attention you've been going so long without.
“I’m sorry! I can’t help it!” Just as I can't help laughing at you.
That story is all kinds of messed up. I think it's my favorite so far! Let's see what other readers and reviewers thought! LOL This is her most reviewed story. I LOVE BrokenMirror's review.
BrokenMirror: I have never laughed like this in a while now! I sincerely hope that was your intention, because this is a genius crack fic xD “Well it got me to thinking and maybe gender swap isn’t such a bad idea…” *dies*
tomgasm: This needs work. All I'm gonna say, instead of going over every aspect of where all the mistakes are. It needs work.
MissAnna: "...Put the other back!” XD
I laughed so hard. What happened to the long Z name for the baby girl lol. She may not have been able to pronounce it until she was 7 XD
kittyskull: Yay they had twins !! :D
Lola: LOLLL! interesting...
Konoto: I don't really know how to say this but you should ask for a beta to check on this, I dunno if the redaction is poor or something else but I feel something if off with this story. It just doesn't catch my attention.
With this rousing support, let's move on! I KNEW this was gonna be my fave story, and I think it's only gonna get better from here!
As soon as they babies are down for their next nap, Tom is waiting for me on the couch. “Billie?” I sit down next to him and wrap him in my arms, kissing his forehead. Ever since he had got pregnant he has been the woman of the relationship. I thought he was the man of the relationship. We went over this. Hopefully Tom will get over that soon. So Bill can go back to being the woman of the relationship and thinking about breast implants for the sake of their child's sanity.
“Yes, love?”
“Remember when we were at the store today, getting diapers?” Getting diapers is a needed detail.
“I do.”
“Did you notice that everyone was staring at us?”
“No…”
“Well it got me to thinking and maybe gender swap isn’t such a bad idea…” LOL There you go! But who does Bill mean the swap to be for? Himself? Or Tom? Tom DID have the babies. AND LOL it's just a simple gender swap. Like trading pokemon cards. AND ADDITIONAL lols at the difference in gender swap and sex swap. Sex and gender are a bit different. Sex change is what Mika meant to say, surely.
“I don’t want to do it because you’re ashamed… I want to do it for the babies… Maybe I could even… Never mind…” ...Who said this? Bill, or Tom? I think it's Bill. Mika's dialogue is deplorable. Bill looks down and Tom pulls his chin upward.
“No, babe… Tell me what you were going to say.”
“Breast feed… Maybe… If it would be possible…” But I thought Tom breastfeeds? And I thought boobs disgusted Bill, and that if one of them were a woman, periods would ruin everything? That was just a chapter ago, Mika! Tom’s heart flutters against his chest.
“Y-you would really do that for them?” They press their foreheads together.
“Absolutely.” Tom crushes his lips against Bill’s.
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Tom stares at the woman standing in front of him. She looks just like Bill. Tom’s Bill. The only difference is that this Bill now has boobs. Big boobs. Because with such a thin and skinny frame, giant boobs are totally proportionate and appropriate. And a vagina.
*cracks up* POOF! Gender swap, just like magic! Multiple complex surgeries! Mountains of paperwork and legal issues! Years of counseling to make the change! POOF! All done without even typing a paragraph!! LOL I'm loling hard! XD
“Bill,” Tom asks with curiosity. He smiles and braces himself as Bill runs to him with open arms. Bill wouldn’t let Tom see him at all until he was finished. Years later. The kids are surely grown up by now. Tom smiles and holds him in his arms. “Billa, you’re beautiful!” This story is gold.
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Bill’s point of view
Bill pushes the stroller as a tall man with a buff body and brown hair follows him. Where are they? The park? At home still? “Hey, cutie…” Bill turns to face him but he doesn’t smile. He slaps the man across the face as hard as he can. You know, technically this isn't Bill's point of view. It's still in the third person...
“Tomie,” Bill calls out with a frightened voice. Tom comes from the chip isle. OH, so they're at the store. I had no idea. Thanks Mika.
“Yes hunny?” Bill falls in to his arms crying. What a girl. The tall buff man eyes Tom then walks away. “What’s wrong, love?”
“He thought I was a girl and called me cutie… Then I slapped him…” This is worth crying over, and making a scene in the grocery store. The shame; that buff man with brown hair calling a girl a cutie. Horrible experience. Tom chuckles and hold Bill tighter.
“It’s okay, babe… Let’s go check out and get home… Maybe we can take a bubble bath when the babies go down for their next nap…”
“Tomie? Why did we name our daughter Araceli?” Because being Araceli's other father, she doesn't know why they've named their kids what they did. Tom looks down at his beautiful daughter looking around the store. She’s a spitting image of Tom himself. And that’s what you call a pretty baby! *facepalm* He smiles.
“Because when I was little my best friends name was Araceli. But she was in a car accident when she was in fourth grade and died. Then her brother committed suicide in his closet with his daddy’s belt and shoelaces the next day.” Bill smiles. WTF what kind of sadistic bastard smiles at a horrible story like that?!!?!?!?!?!? That's horrible!“You know what, we have not had sex yet…” From baby names, to death and suicide, to sex. Oh, Mika! I love how you dwell on topics.
“Well, I am sure we can change that sometime today.”
“It’ll be the first time I’ve ever fucked a girl… You were my first lover, my first guy, my first kiss, my first blowjob, my first sex, my first attempt at writing a slash pairing, which I do so astoundingly badly, my first everything… And I never would have thought that you would be my first girl, too.” I think I'm gonna hurl. Bill smiles and leans in to Tom’s shoulder as the walk to the car.
Chapter End Notes:
soory it's so short
I knew Mika Dan wasn't comfortable with slash. She's a het girl at heart. So what does she do? Give Bill a magical sex change and all is well. XD This is my favorite story by Mika. It's utterly ridiculous. It's so bad, BrokenMirror thought it was good-- genius crack, written badly on purpose to make people laugh. I think Mika is being serious. She is really writing this with serious intentions. That disturbs me. Is she really so oblivious????