My First Ever Sporking: "inspired and improved" my Mika Dan
I feel so mean... But I can't resist! XD
This is a gem. Aside from the grammar errors, this story has serious deficiencies and is hilarious because of it. I did not alter the paragraphs in any way; this is the format in which this story was presented.
"inspired and improved" by Mika Dan
Summary: zaida gets some sad comments on her storys and becomes depressed. can Bill help her? can she ever be happy again? *gasp* I must know!!!
Rated: R Why R?
Categories: Het
Characters: Bill Kaulitz, Original Female Character
Genre: Angst, Drama, Horror, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Vampires Horror, humor, and vampires are not present in this story.
Main Pairing: Bill/OFC
Side Pairing: None
Warnings: Abuse, Adult Content, Humiliation, Light Kink, Self-Harm The only abuse I see is from people telling her she's no good at story writing... Kinda like what I'm doing here. And there is no adult content.
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: No If it's not completed, I'm interested in seeing where she'll take this...
Word count: 731 Read: 1 At this time, the one read is me. I'm a lucky bastard.
Published: 11/24/10 Updated: 11/24/10
Your stories are too short. Your stories need more details. You really shouldn't go on with writting. Whatever! These people don't know a good story when they read one! Or do they even read them? Yes, we do read them, and sweetie, if they criticize, you should listen. On another note, it is irony of ironies that this is a fanfiction about fanfiction--this kills me. And that Bill Kaulitz --European pop-rock superstar-- is there to comfort her. Screw his career; Zaida needs him. Bill shakes his head in disgust, wondering whay and how people can be so cruel. Whay! Yeah, by this point, we've already established I'm heartless. XD
"Zaida, you love writting stories! I think they're wonderful! So does Jacob, Tom, Sam, Keanna, Liz, and Gabi! You can't let these type people get to you!" 1.) Who the heck are these people? 2.) Unclear reference: Are Jacob and co. the ones who are mean? Or the readers. I think it's Jacob. Don't let Jacob get to you!
"Bill, I really don't want to write anymore..." Yet here we are...
"Zaida, don't you dare lie to me!" I look down at my feet, my semi-long (semi-long now, don't get confused about the length) brown hair falling over in to my face. "It's all you do 24/7 and you enjoy it, too!" He bends his knees to look me in the eyes. Our brown eyes meet, his gleam of tears over powering mine. Everyone's crying, right?
I fall over in to his arms, wraping my arms around his neck. "Bill, I w-want to cry! I feel like crying but nothing will come out! Wrong. Zaida isn't crying, despite his tears overpowering hers. W-What do I do?!" Bill's fingers stroke my hair somehow, Somehow? Is he missing most of his fingers? Does he have cerebral palsy and muscular hypertension in his fingers? working his fingers through all the matted tangles.
"I know, Zaida. I'm sorry. I really, really am truely sorry." I want to cry! To feel the wetness rolling down my bare (versus covered) cheeks, making my semi-long hair stick to my face. I want to feel better but that's not possible for me, without tears. Because tears make everything better, every time.
"I want to cry, Bill! Make me better! Help me cry! PLease?! I can't do it on my own! Please?! Please?! Please?!" We must cry together, it's the only thing that will help. My feelings almost get me to screaming as I beg on my knees for Bill's help. He studys me.
"I-I don't know how..." And somehow, that stammer breaks the dam. I've no idea how.
Suddenly, tears begin to stroll Forget rolling or streaming, Zaida's tears stroll down along my cheeks, causing me to smile. ...The action of the tears strolling down her cheeks caused her to smile. ....wtf When I awake again Oh, you fell asleep? WHEN?, Bill and I are cuddled up on the couch. I lift my head up from his chest and look around the room.
"Bill?" I look to him. He's still asleep.
I double over to kiss his cheek, when he jumps forward grabing my rather small waist LOL because we needed that clarification and slinging me down on to his lap. I laugh out of shock. "Good evening, Zaida," Bill sings.
"Evening?" How can it be evening? I didn't start crying until, a little after breakfast time. "What time is it?"
"6:32." Her emotional trauma caused her to black out for hours, if it's p.m. If it's a.m., she should have added "sci-fi" cuz that's time travel.
"Seriously?!"
"Yes."
"Oh my God!" I slowly study my surroundings. "Bill?... I miss writting..." Bill rubs my back, soothingly. Girl, you just woke up from being passed out due to an emotional meltdown, give "writting" a break!
"I know..."
"What do I do?"
"I do not know... Forget conjunctions like don't. They aren't needed. Do you think that sex would help?... Give you any inspiration?..." Dude, you animal, she's emotionally distraught and just woke up from blacking out! Really though, that line cracked me up like no other.
"I do not know... Do you think it would?"
"Only if you do... You have to have some kind of hope to be able to obtain inspiration..." Because sex = hope. It won't add emotional stress to Zaida at all. Maybe, Bill is right... Maybe, I do need hope to be able to be inspired... To Zaida, "hope" and "sex" are interchangeable. "What do you say?" Should I say yes or no?... Iam so confused right now! I thought Iams was for dogs.
"I-I do not know... I think I need to think about it... Which takes time... Do you get what I am saying? I mean- I just... I-I just... I do not know how to put it in words!" Framing your ideas in words does seem to be a problem for you, honey.
"You do not want to rush and do something that you might regret later?..."
"Right..."
"I understand... Will you at least make out with me?" Bill, you're a disgusting, desperate pig.
"I do not...really...like...making out...with guys..." Whoa, now...What was that? I raised my eyebrows at this. So many possibilities just opened up there. Will Zaida expand on this? Any history of bad relationships? Does she have a cold sore? Is she a lesbian?
"What?! Why not?!" I shrug my shoulders.
"I do not know, I just don't..." We will never know. Seriously, we don't know, she won't tell us.
"Why do you not try?... DON'T, please use "don't" With me?... I am not like most guys when it comes to girls..." Zaida, don't be fooled-- that's what they all say. But how is Bill different? We will never know.
"Do you promise?" Bill looks to me with hurt eyes.
"Why would I lie to you? Zaida, I have known you for, ever since you were a little girl... I love you..." 1.) Nice comma use there. 2.) Knowing her that long is news to all of us, thanks to the illustrative history and character depth. 3.) If Bill "truely" loved her, he wouldn't be boning her when she's down.
"I love you, too..." Bill smiles. I really do like him... I always have... I have just never admitted it... As good a reason as any to have sex. Slowly, I lean closer to him and kiss his lips as lustfully as I can. She does it as lustfully as she can because she is not experiencing any real arousal and must feign it.
He quickly pulls away. "Zaida..." What happened to you, Bill? You wanted in her pants a couple paragraphs ago.
"Bill, I want you... I changed my mind... I want to have sex with you..." No, Zaida just wants hope and inspiration. Btw, what happened to her missing "writting?
"Zaida, I do not want to have sex with you... Huh? I want to make love to you..." Oh, nevermind. I force my lips to his. Because it requires force. ...I thought she wanted this.
"Nothing is stopping you..." Not even the two seconds it takes to grab condoms.
For many momments we just sit there, kissing. Where did Billanimal go? Impatiently, I rub my fingers down his stomach and begin to undo his pants. He grants my wish (dick) and helps me get them off, as well as mine. Carefully, Nill WHO THE FUCK IS NILL?!?!? lays me down and covers me up. With what? A blanket? His body? Does Bill cover her up with Nill?
please review!
...Which I did. I said an authoress like her could be the next Stephanie Meyer and that she should keep 'em coming. It's the perfect blend of implied insult and positive encouragement. I almost asked if English was her second language, but if she'd said yes, I wouldn't have known what to do.
I adore the lack of any history and depth in this story. There are unclear references galore. Readers are left floundering to connect nonexistent bits of information. It ends in meaningless sex. The whole story is meaningless! Nothing was achieved, except maybe some STDs and/or pregnancy. The initial problem of people criticizing her stories remains unresolved-- the only thing achieved was their pants coming off and him covering her. I'm all for freedom of expression, but forgive me that I laugh at Mika Dan's method of expression. You can't read this and not think "wtf?"
This is a gem. Aside from the grammar errors, this story has serious deficiencies and is hilarious because of it. I did not alter the paragraphs in any way; this is the format in which this story was presented.
"inspired and improved" by Mika Dan
Summary: zaida gets some sad comments on her storys and becomes depressed. can Bill help her? can she ever be happy again? *gasp* I must know!!!
Rated: R Why R?
Categories: Het
Characters: Bill Kaulitz, Original Female Character
Genre: Angst, Drama, Horror, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Vampires Horror, humor, and vampires are not present in this story.
Main Pairing: Bill/OFC
Side Pairing: None
Warnings: Abuse, Adult Content, Humiliation, Light Kink, Self-Harm The only abuse I see is from people telling her she's no good at story writing... Kinda like what I'm doing here. And there is no adult content.
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: No If it's not completed, I'm interested in seeing where she'll take this...
Word count: 731 Read: 1 At this time, the one read is me. I'm a lucky bastard.
Published: 11/24/10 Updated: 11/24/10
Your stories are too short. Your stories need more details. You really shouldn't go on with writting. Whatever! These people don't know a good story when they read one! Or do they even read them? Yes, we do read them, and sweetie, if they criticize, you should listen. On another note, it is irony of ironies that this is a fanfiction about fanfiction--this kills me. And that Bill Kaulitz --European pop-rock superstar-- is there to comfort her. Screw his career; Zaida needs him. Bill shakes his head in disgust, wondering whay and how people can be so cruel. Whay! Yeah, by this point, we've already established I'm heartless. XD
"Zaida, you love writting stories! I think they're wonderful! So does Jacob, Tom, Sam, Keanna, Liz, and Gabi! You can't let these type people get to you!" 1.) Who the heck are these people? 2.) Unclear reference: Are Jacob and co. the ones who are mean? Or the readers. I think it's Jacob. Don't let Jacob get to you!
"Bill, I really don't want to write anymore..." Yet here we are...
"Zaida, don't you dare lie to me!" I look down at my feet, my semi-long (semi-long now, don't get confused about the length) brown hair falling over in to my face. "It's all you do 24/7 and you enjoy it, too!" He bends his knees to look me in the eyes. Our brown eyes meet, his gleam of tears over powering mine. Everyone's crying, right?
I fall over in to his arms, wraping my arms around his neck. "Bill, I w-want to cry! I feel like crying but nothing will come out! Wrong. Zaida isn't crying, despite his tears overpowering hers. W-What do I do?!" Bill's fingers stroke my hair somehow, Somehow? Is he missing most of his fingers? Does he have cerebral palsy and muscular hypertension in his fingers? working his fingers through all the matted tangles.
"I know, Zaida. I'm sorry. I really, really am truely sorry." I want to cry! To feel the wetness rolling down my bare (versus covered) cheeks, making my semi-long hair stick to my face. I want to feel better but that's not possible for me, without tears. Because tears make everything better, every time.
"I want to cry, Bill! Make me better! Help me cry! PLease?! I can't do it on my own! Please?! Please?! Please?!" We must cry together, it's the only thing that will help. My feelings almost get me to screaming as I beg on my knees for Bill's help. He studys me.
"I-I don't know how..." And somehow, that stammer breaks the dam. I've no idea how.
Suddenly, tears begin to stroll Forget rolling or streaming, Zaida's tears stroll down along my cheeks, causing me to smile. ...The action of the tears strolling down her cheeks caused her to smile. ....wtf When I awake again Oh, you fell asleep? WHEN?, Bill and I are cuddled up on the couch. I lift my head up from his chest and look around the room.
"Bill?" I look to him. He's still asleep.
I double over to kiss his cheek, when he jumps forward grabing my rather small waist LOL because we needed that clarification and slinging me down on to his lap. I laugh out of shock. "Good evening, Zaida," Bill sings.
"Evening?" How can it be evening? I didn't start crying until, a little after breakfast time. "What time is it?"
"6:32." Her emotional trauma caused her to black out for hours, if it's p.m. If it's a.m., she should have added "sci-fi" cuz that's time travel.
"Seriously?!"
"Yes."
"Oh my God!" I slowly study my surroundings. "Bill?... I miss writting..." Bill rubs my back, soothingly. Girl, you just woke up from being passed out due to an emotional meltdown, give "writting" a break!
"I know..."
"What do I do?"
"I do not know... Forget conjunctions like don't. They aren't needed. Do you think that sex would help?... Give you any inspiration?..." Dude, you animal, she's emotionally distraught and just woke up from blacking out! Really though, that line cracked me up like no other.
"I do not know... Do you think it would?"
"Only if you do... You have to have some kind of hope to be able to obtain inspiration..." Because sex = hope. It won't add emotional stress to Zaida at all. Maybe, Bill is right... Maybe, I do need hope to be able to be inspired... To Zaida, "hope" and "sex" are interchangeable. "What do you say?" Should I say yes or no?... Iam so confused right now! I thought Iams was for dogs.
"I-I do not know... I think I need to think about it... Which takes time... Do you get what I am saying? I mean- I just... I-I just... I do not know how to put it in words!" Framing your ideas in words does seem to be a problem for you, honey.
"You do not want to rush and do something that you might regret later?..."
"Right..."
"I understand... Will you at least make out with me?" Bill, you're a disgusting, desperate pig.
"I do not...really...like...making out...with guys..." Whoa, now...What was that? I raised my eyebrows at this. So many possibilities just opened up there. Will Zaida expand on this? Any history of bad relationships? Does she have a cold sore? Is she a lesbian?
"What?! Why not?!" I shrug my shoulders.
"I do not know, I just don't..." We will never know. Seriously, we don't know, she won't tell us.
"Why do you not try?... DON'T, please use "don't" With me?... I am not like most guys when it comes to girls..." Zaida, don't be fooled-- that's what they all say. But how is Bill different? We will never know.
"Do you promise?" Bill looks to me with hurt eyes.
"Why would I lie to you? Zaida, I have known you for, ever since you were a little girl... I love you..." 1.) Nice comma use there. 2.) Knowing her that long is news to all of us, thanks to the illustrative history and character depth. 3.) If Bill "truely" loved her, he wouldn't be boning her when she's down.
"I love you, too..." Bill smiles. I really do like him... I always have... I have just never admitted it... As good a reason as any to have sex. Slowly, I lean closer to him and kiss his lips as lustfully as I can. She does it as lustfully as she can because she is not experiencing any real arousal and must feign it.
He quickly pulls away. "Zaida..." What happened to you, Bill? You wanted in her pants a couple paragraphs ago.
"Bill, I want you... I changed my mind... I want to have sex with you..." No, Zaida just wants hope and inspiration. Btw, what happened to her missing "writting?
"Zaida, I do not want to have sex with you... Huh? I want to make love to you..." Oh, nevermind. I force my lips to his. Because it requires force. ...I thought she wanted this.
"Nothing is stopping you..." Not even the two seconds it takes to grab condoms.
For many momments we just sit there, kissing. Where did Billanimal go? Impatiently, I rub my fingers down his stomach and begin to undo his pants. He grants my wish (dick) and helps me get them off, as well as mine. Carefully, Nill WHO THE FUCK IS NILL?!?!? lays me down and covers me up. With what? A blanket? His body? Does Bill cover her up with Nill?
please review!
...Which I did. I said an authoress like her could be the next Stephanie Meyer and that she should keep 'em coming. It's the perfect blend of implied insult and positive encouragement. I almost asked if English was her second language, but if she'd said yes, I wouldn't have known what to do.
I adore the lack of any history and depth in this story. There are unclear references galore. Readers are left floundering to connect nonexistent bits of information. It ends in meaningless sex. The whole story is meaningless! Nothing was achieved, except maybe some STDs and/or pregnancy. The initial problem of people criticizing her stories remains unresolved-- the only thing achieved was their pants coming off and him covering her. I'm all for freedom of expression, but forgive me that I laugh at Mika Dan's method of expression. You can't read this and not think "wtf?"