(no subject)
i can hardly believe that i am going to be 21 years old in five days.
i feel very strange about it.
when i was young i always thought when i turned 21 i would then be an adult.
i would have a general sense of direction, regarding my life, and i would have things figured out.
not only would my life make sense, i would make sense.
yet, the older i get the less i understand the world around me and my place in it.
i wonder if any semblance of clarity is ever going to reach me
or if i will forever live in a lucid state not knowing where i'm going
or what i'm trying to find.
to be completely honest, this uncertainty frightens me and i feel like all i can do is run blindly into the future grasping my arms around anything that i come across that presents a potential stability.
trouble is not much stay stable does it?
as i read the last words i wrote, i strangely am filled with hope.
the hope of knowing that in a changing world i have been called to cling to an unchanging God.
but it gets so hard sometimes.
it gets to the point where nothing and no one is of worth anymore and all i can do is wait with anticipation for the day when this will all be over.
i am by no means suicidal, i'm just saying it gets pretty damn hard sometimes.
sometimes i tire of the feeling that i have to be everything to everyone at all times
sometimes i just want to sit around and stew in my selfishness and just be pissed off at the whole world and everyone in it.
sometimes i don't want to be happy when you're happy and sad when you're sad.
trouble is ...
i dont know what the trouble is.
that's the trouble.
i want to cry until my body runs dry.
i feel very strange about it.
when i was young i always thought when i turned 21 i would then be an adult.
i would have a general sense of direction, regarding my life, and i would have things figured out.
not only would my life make sense, i would make sense.
yet, the older i get the less i understand the world around me and my place in it.
i wonder if any semblance of clarity is ever going to reach me
or if i will forever live in a lucid state not knowing where i'm going
or what i'm trying to find.
to be completely honest, this uncertainty frightens me and i feel like all i can do is run blindly into the future grasping my arms around anything that i come across that presents a potential stability.
trouble is not much stay stable does it?
as i read the last words i wrote, i strangely am filled with hope.
the hope of knowing that in a changing world i have been called to cling to an unchanging God.
but it gets so hard sometimes.
it gets to the point where nothing and no one is of worth anymore and all i can do is wait with anticipation for the day when this will all be over.
i am by no means suicidal, i'm just saying it gets pretty damn hard sometimes.
sometimes i tire of the feeling that i have to be everything to everyone at all times
sometimes i just want to sit around and stew in my selfishness and just be pissed off at the whole world and everyone in it.
sometimes i don't want to be happy when you're happy and sad when you're sad.
trouble is ...
i dont know what the trouble is.
that's the trouble.
i want to cry until my body runs dry.