Killing loneliness
It's been a while since I last posted, and the previous work of mine unfortunately suffered a change of computers and got lost. Today, I have something new. It's still a work in progress, means it's on going, I will continue it.. And please, do comment, critique/review, whatever, they make me happy :)
Title: Killing loneliness
Pairing: Helen/Will
Ratings: Angst, hurt, comfort, friendship, love, mature
Word count: 2710 and counting, a work in progress
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Helen watched him walking away. She was proud of him, yes. He was phenomenal at what he was doing for Sanctuary, and he was phenomenal at something else as well. Bringing all the walls down that Helen had build around her to protect herself, that is. For she had loved, she had also seen all of them die as time stood practically still to her. Sad half smile played on her lips.
She was still watching Will’s back when he swiftly turned around and walked back towards her. She had quite expected that; Will had not yet had his last word.
"You can’t just play god and expect everyone else around you to agree Magnus! Yes, you saved Abby, but did you for a second stop to think WHAT YOU WERE DOING?!" And just with those words, something inside of Helen snapped like a string on a violin. For days, had she been in pain to see all the emotion in Will, and how had it hurt her. For once, Helen let control of herself, and by that she let her feelings come and take control instead. Her hands grasped Will’s collar, pulling him closer, as the long hidden and ignored emotions struck her like raging tides.
“Magnus! What the hell!” And in her moment of despair, she stole a kiss. How sweet was his taste... So she stole another kiss, and another.
“Stop, Magnus!” He tried shoving her off rather violently. This wasn’t the Magnus he’d grown accustomed to. But to his boss, words were no more.
She needed him. Oh, had she needed him for so long… For someone to care, simply put. She needed not only his trust she felt she’d broken, she needed not only his companion. For she needed him to chase away the ghosts of her past, bring sound to the silence that grew in her like a cancer. As her hands grasped him even closer, she let her head lay on his shoulder. Tears ran streaks across Helen’s cheeks now, and she lifted her gaze slightly to meet Will’s eyes.
It startled him what he saw. Such vulnerability in her eyes he had never seen before. He stood there, silently and unmoving now. Her hand took his hand to hers and guided it on to her chest. Magnus’s heart was beating so fast; like a butterfly caged, longing to be released. Will swallowed hard not knowing what was to come, but the air filling his lungs was not relaxing, it was dark like the growing shadows of the night around them. His posture tensed even more. Things had taken the course of unexpected, and he definitely had not seen any of this coming. It wasn’t something he liked admitting, either. Then again, did one ever want to admit they had missed something major? He let out a deep sigh, not knowing what to do. One wrong move, and he was sure his boss would retreat back to her fortress sooner than he could say ‘wait!’
The silence between them grew longer, and she breathed in the dark musk of his. Not cologne, but the essence of him. Faint traces of sweat, the clean, fresh blues of the soap he used. The smell was almost intoxicating. She laid her head on his shoulder again, crying still. A pat on her back broke the last of her defenses, and her body started shaking. She bit her lip in attempt to silence her sobs, but bone pierced flesh and she tasted metal.
“Will... please...” The sobs grew impossible to be held in, and she clung to Will like he was the only thing that could save her now. In a way she knew it to be true. For Will was the illuminating light in her darkness. For so long she had cared and loved her closest ones, yet she had never let anyone close enough in decades. Decades of lived life; losses, pain, moving on and the loneliness was eating her alive. John, James, Nigel.. Ashley. Oh god.. Ashley.. Her knees gave in the pain, and she would have fallen if there wasn’t for Will.
He had catched Magnus just in time. Will wrapped his arms around her, lifted her on his arms and took direction towards her room; it was the closest and therefore most convenient. Will was worried now. How could he have missed something this big? It bothered him, and seeing his boss this broken was almost scaring him. Almost. He was slowly starting to realize just how much his boss had kept from him and he couldn’t help but to wish he had the ability to wipe away her sorrow. Will was pretty sure it wasn’t his words his boss wanted to hear… not now anyway. He pushed the bed chamber’s door open with his elbow and if the situation would be different, he would have stopped to admire the surroundings. Gently, he lay her boss down on the majestic bed and sat next to her. She was shaking from violent cries, and instinctively, Will’s hand started moving up and down her back. He hoped that the little gesture would soothe her, let her boss know he could take whatever was to come.
Time ticked away for minutes and minutes, and finally the sobs died out. Will was still there, drawing circles on her back and she came aware of the touch now. It felt good, and for once it didn’t feel threatening to her. Helen knew they were past private boundaries now. She turned just a little to meet Will’s worried eyes.
“Will.. I.. I am so sorry. I should have not been so… so “, she was looking for the right word “weak.”
“Shhh, Magnus, don’t apologize. Everyone’s allowed to have a slip every once in a while. That’s what friends are for.” He stood up to leave when her hand reached out. “Please.”
And Will sat down, wrapped his arms around his shaken boss and lay down with her. He understood a little more, now. Just how deep she was hurting, and just how long it had been since someone had been allowed as close to his boss as he was now. Magnus finally drifted into blissful sleep, and Will kissed the back of her head softly. Not much longer, he was asleep too; his arms still wrapped around her. For they were killing loneliness.
The first thing to pierce Will’s consciousness was the smell of violets. He let out a sleepy, pleased sigh. He’d always been fond of violets. Next thing he noticed was that the shape he was holding into was all but familiar. Clearly, it wasn’t Abby’s. This figure… while curvy, had more muscle to it. That instance, Will opened his eyes and stared at the back of Magnus’s head. Yeah, definitely not blonde. Now, what the heck was he doing in… wait, her bed?! He moved nervously, and just then he remembered. He relaxed a little, inhaling more violets.
The lights were still on, and Will now had the perfect chance to study the room without being a peeping Tom. He got up in to a sitting position, careful not to wake up Magnus. The room was neat and tidy, but what had he expected really? The colors of décor were all rather earthy, subtle. No bright colors. Reserved. Just as Magnus. The only pop of color in the room were the glimpses of rainbow the crystal lamp cast to the eyes of the looking.
Will couldn’t help a little smile escaping his lip. The most dominating furniture of the room was, of course, the bed. It was antique, heavy, and had regal touch to it. So Magnus. He smiled again. Just how much a room could tell about the person occupying it if you knew how to read it. A room in general was not much more complicated than a book; both gave clues that lead to conclusions. Will supposed, the only real difference was the fact most people didn’t bother to look at ordinary objects with much thought. But then again, Will was a profiler and looking was to be expected of him. He paid attention to details. It sure as hell wasn’t his muscles Magnus had hired, since he only had just about enough to lift his own weight. Yeah, he thought to himself, I’m no macho man.
04:55am. He was a little surprised actually, to find a digital alarm clock on the night stand, rather than one that suited rest of the room. Will looked at Magnus again to make sure she was still asleep, that he hadn’t waken her up. And holy sweet Jesus she was beautiful like that; all relaxed and calm. Her lashes were casting shadows against her alabaster skin, and her lips… Like ripe roses. Wait. Wait a second. What the heck am I thinking? Simple as, Will let those thoughts go. He respected Magnus enough to do so. Instead, he stood up as silently as he could and made his way towards the door. As he was about to leave, he let that thought go too, as Magnus started moving restlessly. She winced and even in her sleep, her posture grew protective. Will turned off the lights instead and retreated back to bed. He lay down and wrapped his arms around Magnus again.
“Shhhh.. It’s alright.”
And as Magnus’s breathe found a steady pace again, Will fell back to sleep.
Her eyes flew open, and her instincts told her to run. The arm at her stomach, however, told otherwise. Slowly, haunted images from her nightmares died for the morning and she forced herself to relax. The tightening grip on her stomach told her that her protégé was about to wake up. Helen never considered herself to be a woman to retreat from a battle, but the awkward morning after -conversation didn’t quite tempt her either. If there was one thing Helen absolutely despised, it was not being strong. Showing signs of weakness. Showing that behind everything that being immortal came with, that behind it all, she was just as vulnerable as any. Helen wasn’t a cold woman, not by any means, but staying above everyone kept her mind clear. For someone who had lived as long as she had, losses were inevitable, and the more she allowed herself to feel and the more knowledge she allowed for others to see, the more each of those losses hurt. One who fantasized about being immortal was a bloody fool. A long sigh escaped her lips. Oh yes, indeed she would dread the inevitable conversation ahead. Though, not by the slightest bit, was she not grateful for Will. Grateful she was, and she could not even deny that it had felt quite liberating to let it all out.
Gently, Helen wriggled out of Will’s arms, ignoring the little voice in the back of her head that insisted she should linger a little longer. She sighed again. How long had it been since she’d last been held close by anyone? Furrowing her brows, she hushed the thought away and tiptoed towards the bathroom door.
“Good morning, Magnus.”
“Good morning.”
Her response was rather sharp, and she was getting her defenses back up.
“Oh, no no no, Magnus, you’re not going to do that.”
“Do what exactly, Will?”
“You’re not going to pretend last night didn’t happen and we are going to talk about it.”
Oh god, sometimes she hated how persistent her young protégé could be.
“I think, young William, that you may be putting too much thought into what does not require such.” She closed the bathroom door behind her and leaned her hands against the sink. The portrait of her was upsetting and the mirror told her no comforting lies. Her eyes were still bewildered. Her guards were not back up. She slid to the floor, folding her arms around her legs. Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale…
When the door knob twisted, Helen resisted a childish urge to push herself against the door. She looked up into her young protégé’s worried eyes.
“Worry not, it takes a quite bit more to have me snap. Now, if you could just let me get fixed and I shall return back to work.”
“No.”
She still thought it was worth trying.
“And I also think, that you should not be so keen to forget who your boss is. You’ve stepped quite a few boundaries with your actions.”
“No. Helen, I am your friend and I was being a friend when you needed one.”
Oh, yes. Always the profiler.
“Friendship to you means it is alright to share a bed, then?”
She knew she was using cheap tactics. When Will flushed, Helen could not help but so smile a little.
“I.. Gosh, Magnus.. You know, sometimes you can be quite a bulldog.”
“How flattering. Now, could you please excuse yourself and leave me be. I am perfectl..”
Her response was cut short when Will’s hands shook her shoulders. “No, you are not fine! Stop acting Magnus!”
For a woman of her years, she had learned quite a few defense tactics, and instinctively she closed her lips on his. He had expected it to confuse his protégé to back down. What she had not expected was for him to kiss him back quite roughly, and then push her back. She looked at him in wild amazement. Worthy opponent, to say at least.
“Really, really cheap blow Magnus.”
“Fine, let’s play it by your rules, then. You honestly think a trick like that would work on me? Last night you kissed me too and it was fine, you were looking for friend. Now you go on and think I’m the every guy whose legs turn into jello when you offer a moment of lust? Really, Magnus, that is tactless.”
Each of his words dug a hurtful hole in her.
“You are so god damn scared of letting anyone see behind the professional distance of yours that you’d to anything. Stop running away Magnus, life’s a bitch, I know that, but not every bastard is going to hurt you!”
“You are wrong.”
“No, I am not. I get it Magnus, really do. You and your immortality, but for God’s sake, you’re just going to stop living and hide forever, then?”
“When is the last time you took time for yourself? And I mean really took time for yourself? When is the last time you let some of that steam of yours out?”
“Stop it, Will.. Stop it!”
“No, Magnus. I am not going to sit back and watch you retreat back into nothingness when I know there is so much more in you.”
Oh, he really had such talent of bringing her into tears, she thought bitterly and gave him a cold, cold gaze. She lifted her chin up stubbornly as a tear escaped and followed the shape of her cheek down to her chin.
“Oh Magnus..” And he wrapped one arm around her, while the other one carefully wiped the lonely tear away. To his surprise, Magnus didn’t try and struggle out of the half hug. So, he secured another arm around her and rocked her.
“You know, Will, it does hurt quite a bit.”
The words were so quiet Will barely heard them, but he nodded. He’s gotten that much already. He wasn’t delusional, he had known this very conversation would be hard. The unexpected part was how… how fierce his boss proved to be. No, fierce wasn’t right. How much more alive. Much better, even if he hated seeing her hurt. Once the thought properly sunk in, he decided that he quite liked this new part of Magnus.
“I know, Magnus. But really, there’s so much more into life than the bad.”
“Oh, cliché.”
Will smiled at that. So maybe it was one of those often said things, but it was true. Now that he had seen how much more there was beneath that professional Magnus, Will wasn’t going to let her revert back. Even if it meant that he would actually have to be not only her friend but her shrink as well. And be patient. Be very patient. Too much pushing would probably end up getting fired. Maybe. He smiled again.
Title: Killing loneliness
Pairing: Helen/Will
Ratings: Angst, hurt, comfort, friendship, love, mature
Word count: 2710 and counting, a work in progress
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Helen watched him walking away. She was proud of him, yes. He was phenomenal at what he was doing for Sanctuary, and he was phenomenal at something else as well. Bringing all the walls down that Helen had build around her to protect herself, that is. For she had loved, she had also seen all of them die as time stood practically still to her. Sad half smile played on her lips.
She was still watching Will’s back when he swiftly turned around and walked back towards her. She had quite expected that; Will had not yet had his last word.
"You can’t just play god and expect everyone else around you to agree Magnus! Yes, you saved Abby, but did you for a second stop to think WHAT YOU WERE DOING?!" And just with those words, something inside of Helen snapped like a string on a violin. For days, had she been in pain to see all the emotion in Will, and how had it hurt her. For once, Helen let control of herself, and by that she let her feelings come and take control instead. Her hands grasped Will’s collar, pulling him closer, as the long hidden and ignored emotions struck her like raging tides.
“Magnus! What the hell!” And in her moment of despair, she stole a kiss. How sweet was his taste... So she stole another kiss, and another.
“Stop, Magnus!” He tried shoving her off rather violently. This wasn’t the Magnus he’d grown accustomed to. But to his boss, words were no more.
She needed him. Oh, had she needed him for so long… For someone to care, simply put. She needed not only his trust she felt she’d broken, she needed not only his companion. For she needed him to chase away the ghosts of her past, bring sound to the silence that grew in her like a cancer. As her hands grasped him even closer, she let her head lay on his shoulder. Tears ran streaks across Helen’s cheeks now, and she lifted her gaze slightly to meet Will’s eyes.
It startled him what he saw. Such vulnerability in her eyes he had never seen before. He stood there, silently and unmoving now. Her hand took his hand to hers and guided it on to her chest. Magnus’s heart was beating so fast; like a butterfly caged, longing to be released. Will swallowed hard not knowing what was to come, but the air filling his lungs was not relaxing, it was dark like the growing shadows of the night around them. His posture tensed even more. Things had taken the course of unexpected, and he definitely had not seen any of this coming. It wasn’t something he liked admitting, either. Then again, did one ever want to admit they had missed something major? He let out a deep sigh, not knowing what to do. One wrong move, and he was sure his boss would retreat back to her fortress sooner than he could say ‘wait!’
The silence between them grew longer, and she breathed in the dark musk of his. Not cologne, but the essence of him. Faint traces of sweat, the clean, fresh blues of the soap he used. The smell was almost intoxicating. She laid her head on his shoulder again, crying still. A pat on her back broke the last of her defenses, and her body started shaking. She bit her lip in attempt to silence her sobs, but bone pierced flesh and she tasted metal.
“Will... please...” The sobs grew impossible to be held in, and she clung to Will like he was the only thing that could save her now. In a way she knew it to be true. For Will was the illuminating light in her darkness. For so long she had cared and loved her closest ones, yet she had never let anyone close enough in decades. Decades of lived life; losses, pain, moving on and the loneliness was eating her alive. John, James, Nigel.. Ashley. Oh god.. Ashley.. Her knees gave in the pain, and she would have fallen if there wasn’t for Will.
He had catched Magnus just in time. Will wrapped his arms around her, lifted her on his arms and took direction towards her room; it was the closest and therefore most convenient. Will was worried now. How could he have missed something this big? It bothered him, and seeing his boss this broken was almost scaring him. Almost. He was slowly starting to realize just how much his boss had kept from him and he couldn’t help but to wish he had the ability to wipe away her sorrow. Will was pretty sure it wasn’t his words his boss wanted to hear… not now anyway. He pushed the bed chamber’s door open with his elbow and if the situation would be different, he would have stopped to admire the surroundings. Gently, he lay her boss down on the majestic bed and sat next to her. She was shaking from violent cries, and instinctively, Will’s hand started moving up and down her back. He hoped that the little gesture would soothe her, let her boss know he could take whatever was to come.
Time ticked away for minutes and minutes, and finally the sobs died out. Will was still there, drawing circles on her back and she came aware of the touch now. It felt good, and for once it didn’t feel threatening to her. Helen knew they were past private boundaries now. She turned just a little to meet Will’s worried eyes.
“Will.. I.. I am so sorry. I should have not been so… so “, she was looking for the right word “weak.”
“Shhh, Magnus, don’t apologize. Everyone’s allowed to have a slip every once in a while. That’s what friends are for.” He stood up to leave when her hand reached out. “Please.”
And Will sat down, wrapped his arms around his shaken boss and lay down with her. He understood a little more, now. Just how deep she was hurting, and just how long it had been since someone had been allowed as close to his boss as he was now. Magnus finally drifted into blissful sleep, and Will kissed the back of her head softly. Not much longer, he was asleep too; his arms still wrapped around her. For they were killing loneliness.
The first thing to pierce Will’s consciousness was the smell of violets. He let out a sleepy, pleased sigh. He’d always been fond of violets. Next thing he noticed was that the shape he was holding into was all but familiar. Clearly, it wasn’t Abby’s. This figure… while curvy, had more muscle to it. That instance, Will opened his eyes and stared at the back of Magnus’s head. Yeah, definitely not blonde. Now, what the heck was he doing in… wait, her bed?! He moved nervously, and just then he remembered. He relaxed a little, inhaling more violets.
The lights were still on, and Will now had the perfect chance to study the room without being a peeping Tom. He got up in to a sitting position, careful not to wake up Magnus. The room was neat and tidy, but what had he expected really? The colors of décor were all rather earthy, subtle. No bright colors. Reserved. Just as Magnus. The only pop of color in the room were the glimpses of rainbow the crystal lamp cast to the eyes of the looking.
Will couldn’t help a little smile escaping his lip. The most dominating furniture of the room was, of course, the bed. It was antique, heavy, and had regal touch to it. So Magnus. He smiled again. Just how much a room could tell about the person occupying it if you knew how to read it. A room in general was not much more complicated than a book; both gave clues that lead to conclusions. Will supposed, the only real difference was the fact most people didn’t bother to look at ordinary objects with much thought. But then again, Will was a profiler and looking was to be expected of him. He paid attention to details. It sure as hell wasn’t his muscles Magnus had hired, since he only had just about enough to lift his own weight. Yeah, he thought to himself, I’m no macho man.
04:55am. He was a little surprised actually, to find a digital alarm clock on the night stand, rather than one that suited rest of the room. Will looked at Magnus again to make sure she was still asleep, that he hadn’t waken her up. And holy sweet Jesus she was beautiful like that; all relaxed and calm. Her lashes were casting shadows against her alabaster skin, and her lips… Like ripe roses. Wait. Wait a second. What the heck am I thinking? Simple as, Will let those thoughts go. He respected Magnus enough to do so. Instead, he stood up as silently as he could and made his way towards the door. As he was about to leave, he let that thought go too, as Magnus started moving restlessly. She winced and even in her sleep, her posture grew protective. Will turned off the lights instead and retreated back to bed. He lay down and wrapped his arms around Magnus again.
“Shhhh.. It’s alright.”
And as Magnus’s breathe found a steady pace again, Will fell back to sleep.
Her eyes flew open, and her instincts told her to run. The arm at her stomach, however, told otherwise. Slowly, haunted images from her nightmares died for the morning and she forced herself to relax. The tightening grip on her stomach told her that her protégé was about to wake up. Helen never considered herself to be a woman to retreat from a battle, but the awkward morning after -conversation didn’t quite tempt her either. If there was one thing Helen absolutely despised, it was not being strong. Showing signs of weakness. Showing that behind everything that being immortal came with, that behind it all, she was just as vulnerable as any. Helen wasn’t a cold woman, not by any means, but staying above everyone kept her mind clear. For someone who had lived as long as she had, losses were inevitable, and the more she allowed herself to feel and the more knowledge she allowed for others to see, the more each of those losses hurt. One who fantasized about being immortal was a bloody fool. A long sigh escaped her lips. Oh yes, indeed she would dread the inevitable conversation ahead. Though, not by the slightest bit, was she not grateful for Will. Grateful she was, and she could not even deny that it had felt quite liberating to let it all out.
Gently, Helen wriggled out of Will’s arms, ignoring the little voice in the back of her head that insisted she should linger a little longer. She sighed again. How long had it been since she’d last been held close by anyone? Furrowing her brows, she hushed the thought away and tiptoed towards the bathroom door.
“Good morning, Magnus.”
“Good morning.”
Her response was rather sharp, and she was getting her defenses back up.
“Oh, no no no, Magnus, you’re not going to do that.”
“Do what exactly, Will?”
“You’re not going to pretend last night didn’t happen and we are going to talk about it.”
Oh god, sometimes she hated how persistent her young protégé could be.
“I think, young William, that you may be putting too much thought into what does not require such.” She closed the bathroom door behind her and leaned her hands against the sink. The portrait of her was upsetting and the mirror told her no comforting lies. Her eyes were still bewildered. Her guards were not back up. She slid to the floor, folding her arms around her legs. Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale…
When the door knob twisted, Helen resisted a childish urge to push herself against the door. She looked up into her young protégé’s worried eyes.
“Worry not, it takes a quite bit more to have me snap. Now, if you could just let me get fixed and I shall return back to work.”
“No.”
She still thought it was worth trying.
“And I also think, that you should not be so keen to forget who your boss is. You’ve stepped quite a few boundaries with your actions.”
“No. Helen, I am your friend and I was being a friend when you needed one.”
Oh, yes. Always the profiler.
“Friendship to you means it is alright to share a bed, then?”
She knew she was using cheap tactics. When Will flushed, Helen could not help but so smile a little.
“I.. Gosh, Magnus.. You know, sometimes you can be quite a bulldog.”
“How flattering. Now, could you please excuse yourself and leave me be. I am perfectl..”
Her response was cut short when Will’s hands shook her shoulders. “No, you are not fine! Stop acting Magnus!”
For a woman of her years, she had learned quite a few defense tactics, and instinctively she closed her lips on his. He had expected it to confuse his protégé to back down. What she had not expected was for him to kiss him back quite roughly, and then push her back. She looked at him in wild amazement. Worthy opponent, to say at least.
“Really, really cheap blow Magnus.”
“Fine, let’s play it by your rules, then. You honestly think a trick like that would work on me? Last night you kissed me too and it was fine, you were looking for friend. Now you go on and think I’m the every guy whose legs turn into jello when you offer a moment of lust? Really, Magnus, that is tactless.”
Each of his words dug a hurtful hole in her.
“You are so god damn scared of letting anyone see behind the professional distance of yours that you’d to anything. Stop running away Magnus, life’s a bitch, I know that, but not every bastard is going to hurt you!”
“You are wrong.”
“No, I am not. I get it Magnus, really do. You and your immortality, but for God’s sake, you’re just going to stop living and hide forever, then?”
“When is the last time you took time for yourself? And I mean really took time for yourself? When is the last time you let some of that steam of yours out?”
“Stop it, Will.. Stop it!”
“No, Magnus. I am not going to sit back and watch you retreat back into nothingness when I know there is so much more in you.”
Oh, he really had such talent of bringing her into tears, she thought bitterly and gave him a cold, cold gaze. She lifted her chin up stubbornly as a tear escaped and followed the shape of her cheek down to her chin.
“Oh Magnus..” And he wrapped one arm around her, while the other one carefully wiped the lonely tear away. To his surprise, Magnus didn’t try and struggle out of the half hug. So, he secured another arm around her and rocked her.
“You know, Will, it does hurt quite a bit.”
The words were so quiet Will barely heard them, but he nodded. He’s gotten that much already. He wasn’t delusional, he had known this very conversation would be hard. The unexpected part was how… how fierce his boss proved to be. No, fierce wasn’t right. How much more alive. Much better, even if he hated seeing her hurt. Once the thought properly sunk in, he decided that he quite liked this new part of Magnus.
“I know, Magnus. But really, there’s so much more into life than the bad.”
“Oh, cliché.”
Will smiled at that. So maybe it was one of those often said things, but it was true. Now that he had seen how much more there was beneath that professional Magnus, Will wasn’t going to let her revert back. Even if it meant that he would actually have to be not only her friend but her shrink as well. And be patient. Be very patient. Too much pushing would probably end up getting fired. Maybe. He smiled again.