Finally
This is probably about a year late, but at least it happened...
I know most of you have heard me make degrading remarks about Brian ever since the break up and have also listened (or tried to tune out) my further laments about how we will be less than ten minutes away from each other when he goes to Marist and I attend Vassar. I'm pretty sure I looked like a three year old when I crossed my arms, scrunched my eyebrows together and huffed, "But I got into Vassar first."
Enough. During math class yesterday I mentioned the trip Palma took me on to meet Mia Hamm. That experience is near the top in my list of "Best Experiences Ever" (I know I'm a dork, but no, I don't really have a "Best Experiences Ever" list). Therefore, I was totally shocked and dismayed to hear her response. "Soccer is gay, I want to forget that phase of my life." We will not even delve into the stupidity of using "gay" to describe any athletic activity (except wrestling lol). I can't BELIEVE she could completely erase or even want to erase so many years of her life. Maybe this was just the slap in the face that I needed.
In essence I have done something similar. When Brian and I pass each other in the hallway we act like complete strangers. Every time one of us says something to the other it's completely unexpected. I'm tired of pretending he doesn't exist and I now admit it's wrong to use him as the scapegoat for so many issues of which he wasn't the cause. Contrary to what I used to say, I don't hate him and I don't think he's a bad person. He hurt me, but I know that hurting me was probably the one thing he was trying to avoid. In light of this recent realization, I thought it was only right to tell him to his face that I bear absolutely no (okay almost no) ill feelings towards him. I want us to be friendly to each other because no matter what happens he was a part of my life and I don't regret that. Some courage was also needed for me to ask him a question. I wanted to know if really did like me or if he was just trying to care about me in order to make me happy. He openly admitted that he started out with such strong feelings, but that they faded over the course of the relationship. He even added that he felt very badly about that. I think that was the final piece of information I needed. He felt bad. This is awesome, not him feeling badly, but him being able to admit that he felt some guilt. It seems as if we both kind of accept what happened and I really think that maybe we can be friendly. With all of this transpiring I summoned the gall to tell him one last thing. Before he headed off into art class, I looked at him and said he shouldn't hate himself so much. He doesn't think he's good enough for other people and always wants to help them first. But this usually backfires and he hurts other in spite of trying so hard not to. He's a pretty good guy and he should know it. Maybe I shouldn't really be the one offering advice to my ex- of....1-2 years (i lost count) since I was the one who basically harbored the grudge for the entire time. (Granted, part of the reason I originally converted all my feelings of caring to hatred was so I wouldn't like him anymore).
So there it is, one chapter of my life has its closure as cliche as it sounds, but I'm happy and I hope it has given him some sort of closure too.