SHATTERED HOPE ~ KALICIA ~ The GOOD Wife
KALICIA ~ The GOOD Wife
A Kalinda Sharma & Alicia Florrick Pairing
A Part Canon, Part AU One Shot
Friendship/Angst/Romance
~ SHATTERED HOPE ~
~ ~ ~
A/N: It's two days after the final secret has been revealed: Kalinda Sharma, Alicia's best friend and co-worker, and Peter Florrick, Alicia's husband; semi-estranged husband, had a one night stand nearly two years ago. And although Alicia and Kalinda didn't know each at the time, that didn't lessen the sting of finding out that two people that you cared deeply for have hurt you in such an enormous way. Even though Alicia and Peter aren't technically together-together anymore, they were working toward the possibility of things getting back to normal... or as close to normal as can be expected given the circumstances. But, nonetheless, her very closest friend and the father of her two children; a man she planned on spending the rest of her life with had betrayed her in such a manner as this certainly doesn't inspire much hope in re-gaining or possibly finding new love.
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Kalinda's waiting in Alicia's office, going over the notes on the Ellicott-Braxton case when she spots Alicia out of the corner of her eye. Muhm, she's wearing red today, damn she's beautiful in red. No Kalinda... don't do this to yourself, not now, hell, not ever, especially after what you did.
Alicia walked down one of the many long corridors of Lockhart/Gardner & Bond, in route to her office; absent-mindedly nodding to co-workers that are passing by, but her thoughts are only on the new and very devastating information she's recently been made aware of regarding Peter and Kalinda. My husband - now, thankfully, my estranged husband and my best friend, best friend, muh, what a joke. She slept with my husband and then be-friended me. How in the hell could she be soo damned callous about this? How can she just day in and day out for over a year and a half look in my face and smile and joke and make me fa-Alicia stopped her musings upon seeing Kalinda in her office. Alicia steeled herself before entering, then purposefully made her way to her desk and gingerly placed her purse and briefcase down then calmly began, "I want you to get your things and leave my office, now." The attorney stated matter-of-fact to the in-house investigator.
The young detective wasn't surprised by the blatant harshness of Alicia's words but what did throw her a bit was the impact of the tone in which she delivered the order.
"Alicia I -" Kalinda was quickly cut off by Alicia's controlled fury. "Don't You Dare Say One Word To Me. You Have No Right. Not After What You Did." The wounded woman spewed through clenched teeth. Both hands firmly planted on the desk; clenched into two tight fist. How dare she try and talk to or explain herself or worse yet attempt to apologize to me about having sex with my husband, as if that would magically make things all better.
Kalinda slowly raised herself from the chair she'd been sitting in then slowly started gathering her belongings, glancing in Alicia's direction, occasionally. I need to tell her why I did it, and what she means to me... she laughed inwardly, that even sounds stupid, to me. But maybe she'll understand, somehow, deep inside, she'll realize that at the time I didn't know her and... and... shit, Kalinda, just stop thinking that an explanation; an apology is gonna fix things between you two.
Alicia tried to busy herself while the younger woman was getting her things together to leave and Alicia couldn't help but think about the last time they were together, two nights ago, as friends... or was it becoming something more?
~ ~ ~
'So, are you gay, Kalinda?' The question she asked her friend nearly a year ago rang in her ears as she sat in the woman's living room that overlooked Michigan Ave. While she sat there and waited for Kalinda to pour their drinks from the small bar area that was located in the corner of the investigator's apartment. She wondered why that question popped into her head at that particular moment. Maybe it was the three shots of tequila she'd ingested at Finnagen's just a little over a half an hour ago or maybe it was just the twinge of excitement of finally being invited to Kalinda's place. She'd often wondered what type of domicile the fact-finder would call home. Her place was very stylish, and had a coolness about it. Not just hip cool but the atmosphere, the vibe of the apartment was cool as well, just like the lady in question, at least on the surface. By then Kalinda was bringing their drinks over to the over-sized ultra-contemporary white Italian leather couch where Alicia sat patiently for the other woman to hand her her cocktail.
"Here you go - just like you like it. Two fingers, neat."
"Thanks." Alicia said as she smiled graciously then reached for her scotch and when she did her fingers touched Kalinda's, and she felt it - a spark.
Kalinda felt it too but decided to ignore it. For practical reasons, Alicia's straight and just a bit drunk, she surmised.
"You're welcome. So, how was your day? We really didn't get a chance to talk at the bar earlier with that party going on there. But, I am impressed that you were able to down three shots before we left Mrs. Florrick." Kalinda regretted saying that within a millisecond from it leaving her lips. She watched Alicia wince as she brought the glass to her lips and allowed it to smooth over her tongue as it careened down her throat, stinging just a little as it made it's way down. She hoped it would somehow ease the pain of her bruised heart. A heart that ached at the sound of the surname that once carried an abundance of love, pride and faith; but now held very little if any of those feelings anymore. "Sorry, I know you're debating over whether or not to divorce Peter. I didn't mean to brin-"
"Don't worry about it." Alicia offered a small smile as she softly interrupted the smaller woman's apology, although it was somewhat of a hidden treat to hear Kalinda be so gentle and actually apologetic about something, even if the something were as simple as this, it made her feel special. How pathetic is that, Alicia thought to herself.
"How's the scotch? It was a gift. I'd never had the opportunity to crack it open until tonight." Kalinda said cordially, as she sat down in a matching recliner that faced the couch at an angle then placed her drink down on the coffee table, also a scotch one finger one rock, then sensuously crossed her right leg over her left and leaned back into the surprising comfortableness of the ultra modern chair.
Alicia watched the darker hued woman with rapt fascination then suddenly, as if a light switched on in her head about what Kalinda had just said had clinked, It was a gift, from who, she thought. It's none of your damned business, Alicia, so don't go there. But, I've known her for while over a year and I half now, and I've never given her a gift, what kind of friend am I? She chastised herself.
"Alicia are okay? You look a little... I don't know bewildered?" The inspector queried, giving the older woman a concerned gaze in the process.
"Really - I... I'm just - I was just wondering," she took a sip of her very smooth drink, then continued, "was it a birthday gift because I don't even know when your birthday is?" Alicia asked, it was more of a fishing expidition, she wanted to know Kalinda's birthday and who the gift came from - she just didn't have the wherewithall to ask flat out. "I could've gotten you something or maybe taken you out to dinner or...?"
"Or what?" Kalinda intervened, a sly smile graced her lips. Thinking to herself what she'd truly like from Alicia was her wrapped in a big red bow and nothing else.
"What?"
"What else would you - could you have given me?" Kalinda quizzed in a seductively teasing tone.
Alicia's throat went dry so she took another sip of her scotch then responded thoughtfully as she looked at her glass. "I could have taken you out for drinks." They both laughed, Alicia continued, "Or maybe to a play or a movie, perhaps?" Her eyes locked with the other woman's for a long moment and she saw - thought she saw a blush cross Kalinda's cheeks. "Would you like that Kalinda, a girls night out, where we do something a little different from our normal "out for drinks thing"?" Alicia finished the last part in quotation marks and was now giving the younger woman a very intense gaze that expected an honest answer.
Kalinda studied Alicia's face for a few seconds and then leaned forward and said, "You're serious aren't you?" her expression unreadable. Does Alicia realize she's asking me out on a date?
Alicia wasn't quite sure how to answer. Should she play it off as if it were a joke or give the detective a truthful reply?
She truly believed it would be fun to change up their typical routine of drinks in the bar and felt maybe Kalinda would think so too, but to be honest, she also knew how that question came across - like an invitation for a date. And well, maybe, deep down that's what it was. And that thought scared the shit out of her.
"Um, yeah, I'm serious, do you want to - do something later in the week... with me?" She cleared her throat as she waited uneasily for Kalinda to; one, shoot her down or two, give her a coronary by responding favorably.
Just as Kalinda was about to give Alicia her reply her cell phone rang. "Excuse me," grabbing her phone from the small round glass table to her right, "I need to take this." Kalinda finished her sentence then went into the kitchen for some privacy.
Alicia's mind raced, wondering what Kalinda's answer would be. Fortunately Alicia didn't have to torture herself too long because the investigator returned from the kitchen and her call quickly.
"You know what Alicia, I'm gonna have to take you back to the office now. I just got a lead on the Ellicott-Braxton case." The shorter woman said hurriedly in a matter-of-fact tone to Alicia.
"Oh?" Alicia blinked trying to clear her mind of any more stray thoughts of her impending date with the gorgeous East Indian woman.
As Alicia was hoisting herself from the very low couch, she stumbled a bit and as it looked like she might fall, Kalinda caught her.
Alicia's hands were now on the shorter woman's shoulders and Kalinda's on the taller woman's waist - their eyes instantly engaged with one another. The heat between them was undeniable, so heavy in fact, Alicia was sure she swooned a little at Kalinda's hands on her, soft yet strong; making her feel things that she knew she shouldn't, at least not with a woman, anyway.
The lawyer felt the need to say something at this moment, "Ah, Kalinda about what I asked you earlier, maybe we should just forget about it - we can um, continue to have drinks and-"
"I knew you'd chicken out." The younger woman teased, a slight chuckle escaping her dark cherry lips as she held her gaze a minute longer.
Alicia continued to feel unsteady under the intensity of the other woman's stare, which made it difficult to maintain her balance. Way too many drinks tonight she tried to convince herself. Although partially true, she knew that this prolonged closeness with her best friend was the more accurate reason. Knowing she should just back away, but she couldn't, she found herself staring at Kalinda's mouth which looked ever so inviting.
Kalinda now realized what Alicia had discovered that was so interesting about her, and decided to amp up the woman's curiosity a bit by wetting her lips. She darted her tongue out at a torturously snail slow pace and gently licked her top then her bottom lip, a wicked grin surfaced as she gave the taller brunette a penetrating gaze filled with longing.
And then it happened, Alicia took the bait. Leaning in slowly, she kissed the younger woman. At first the kiss was timid, sweet even, then the older woman pushed away from Kalinda searching her eyes for a sign that she should - stop or continue... and when Kalinda moved in closer eliminating any distance between them Alicia had the answer she needed. Smiling, not just with her mouth but with her eyes as well, she slowly slid her right hand from the other woman's shoulder to tenderly come to rest on her right cheek then smoothed her thumb over the smaller woman's sensuous lips. Kalinda's breath hitched at Alicia's touch, she ached for more; another kiss, another touch, just more of her. Never before had Kalinda wanted anyone as much as she wanted-needed Alicia Florrick. Somehow the older woman must have sensed that need because she then curled her fingers around Kalinda's neck and pulled her into an all consuming lip-lock that literally knocked the wind from the investigator. Alicia's silky smooth muscle was currently doing some investigative work of it's own inside the private eye's luscious mouth. After a long moment of intense making out, Kalinda pulled away, solely for the need of air then looked deeply into Alicia's eyes and started to say something but decided against it.
"What, tell me, I know you want to say something, Kalinda, please just say it." Alicia gently begged the younger woman to be honest with her about her feelings...
~ ~ ~
Alicia glanced over at Kalinda, "What's taking you so damned long to get your stuff and get the hell out of my office!" Alicia shouted softly.
Kalinda blinked back the memory of what they shared just a couple of nights ago and began to speak, much to Alicia's chagrin. "Alicia, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you when I-" cut off abruptly by the deceived woman.
"What?! Fucked My Husband!" Alicia's gaze was cold and yet somehow filled with emotion all at the same time. "Look, I told you not to say anything to me. Don't explain, don't give many excuses, and especially do not attempt to apologize, because that's the worse of all. Now one last time, get your things and leave before I make a scene."
At that Kalinda quickly grabbed her materials up and walked out of Alicia's office... and possibly her life as well.
She walked briskly to the nearest elevator, fortunately it was emptying out of people and Kalinda was left alone on the lift to break down in peace and solitude. While just about twenty feet away Alicia was doing the exact same thing in her office.
~ ~ ~
Less than a half an hour later the investigator found herself at Finnegan's, her second shot of tequila in hand, pinky jutted out ever so slightly, the tiny glass just a couple inches from her mouth.
"Ah, there you are? I called your cell three times but no answer now I know why. Drowning your sorrows uh?" The baby-faced man said with mild compassion to the woman. He could tell something was really troubling her and he had a pretty good idea what it was.
"Cary, whatta you want?" She asked unceremoniously then downed her shot.
"You told her - you told Alicia about you and Peter, didn't you?" Cary queried with interest.
The short brunette glanced at the boyishly handsome man then replied, "No, I didn't. I believe she figured it out from something your pit bull, Wiley, said to her?"
"Ouch! But, like I told you before I don't have any control over him." Cary offered then continued, "So this means that you probably didn't get the chance to smooth things over with her about Peter for me then uh?" He said, only half joking.
The very upset woman glared at the ASA and stated too calmly, "My bat's in the car Cary, so back off."
The man put his hands up, palms facing her, in a I'm backing off now kind of way then said, "Listen, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly Kalinda. I'm sure in time Alicia will forgive you." Cary spoke gently, giving the woman a warm smile as well.
"How the hell would you know what Alicia is gonna do, mumm? Are you a mind reader now, Cary?" Kalinda ground out with sarcasm.
"Ah, no, but it's only natural for her to be hurt and disappointed in what you did." He said honestly yet with a bit of reluctance, he really didn't want to be on the receiving end of Kalinda's bat. He'd been made aware of the beat down to both Blake and his car that was administered by the tiny woman and had no desire whatsoever to cause her to give a repeat performance, especially with him playing the ball to her bat this time around. "Kalinda, why don't you let me take you home so you ca-"
Cary was interrupted by the attractive private eye, "So, what? You can have your way with me?" She said with a slight lilt of her native tongue. Which was always more pronounced when she was tired or angry, and at this moment she was both.
"Kalinda, all I'm trying to do is help a friend." Cary stated emphatically.
"A friend, a friend," she repeated a second time with a small chuckle and a surprised look, "Well, you know what Mr. Agos, I don't need your fucking help, ahright, so just leave me the hell alone!"
"Come on, Kalinda, don't do this, don't push me away, again. I am really just trying to be a friend to you."
The little woman swung around on the bar stool to look directly in the man's eye's, "The only friend I truly had was Alicia Florrick and I screwed that up by screwing her husband," she said with regret, making damned sure that she didn't allow one tear to peek through for Cary's scrutiny.
"Kalinda-" she halted the young man's words with her index finger then leaned in and kissed him gently.
"Is that what you want Cary... to kiss me, fuck me - make it all better for me?" She whispered seductively in his mouth then bit his bottom lip, hard.
"Ow, you stupid bi-" Cary stopped himself from saying what he really wanted to say. He just stared at Kalinda with pity, shook his head and walked away from her then out of the bar.
Kalinda licked her lips - tasting it, the blood, Cary's blood then grabbed a napkin as she wiped the remains of her violent action from her mouth. Motioning with two fingers of her right hand for the bartender to come over to her. "Can I get another shot of tequila." She cooed lustfully then smiled at the tall broad-shouldered man. He nodded agreeably and proceeded to pour her another drink.
Alicia had been sitting over in a darkened corner of the pub. She'd witnessed the whole scenario play out like a bad movie. She'd gotten to the bar a few minutes after Kalinda. She snuck in while the other woman had ordered her first shot. She was sure that her best friend, it hurt to call her that now, but as painful as it was it was true. Kalinda Sharma was still very much Alicia's best friend and that's why this whole situation hurts so damned much. Anyway, she was sure that Kalinda hadn't seen her come in. Alicia debated going right over to her to confront her but she knew she couldn't, because that would have been more fodder for the tabloids and she certainly didn't want to put her children through anymore drama and trauma than they had already been through. So, she sat back, watched and waited for just the right opportunity to present itself. And with Cary gone, now seemed like a good as time as any.
Kalinda felt her presence, she always felt when Alicia was near.
"Did you follow me too?" The small framed woman said in a shaky voice.
Kalinda appeared even smaller in Alicia's presence. Probably because the attorney was so angry and hurt and disappointed and frustrated, that looming over the shorter woman gave her a certain amount of power, no matter how fleeting it may be. But a big part of her just wanted to slap Kalinda off that damned stool and yet another part of her wanted to shake her senseless while she shouted at the top of her lungs as to why she did it and why couldn't she just tell her the truth months ago, when they first started to develop their friendship.
But instead Alicia just responded with, "You've had enough, Kalinda, you need to go home."
Kalinda stared at Alicia a few seconds then started to laugh, a hearty, somewhat frantic laugh and said in masked confidence. "So, now you're ordering me out of the bar, Alicia? You don't own this bar, or me for that matter." The last part of that statement was definitely a lie. Alicia most assuredly owned Kalinda. She owned her mind; the little woman thought about the attorney constantly, she owned her heart; everything thing she did, in recent months anyway, was always tempered with how Alicia would feel about her doing this or what would she think of her for doing that, and even her body was owned by Alicia; and that was the most surprising of all. How Alicia crept into her sex life. When Kalinda took the occasional man but mostly women to bed, Alicia would always found her way there too. She'd fantasize that the person she was with was Alicia. How it would be to kiss her and hold her, how the councilor would come undone in her arms at her touch. Kalinda had even begun to envy Peter. She'd especially wondered what would possess a man to cheat on a woman like Alicia, someone so kind, beautiful, poised, intelligent and incredibly sexy. Why in the hell would Peter want to fuck a hooker or any other woman, including me, for that matter, when he had Alicia waiting for him at home every night; what an asshole, she thought to herself.
Alicia gave Kalinda a long thoughtful glare and said calmly, "I have absolutely no desire to own you, Kalinda." The taller brunette offered smoothly with a strong emphasis on "own you", "but that doesn't mean I want you to get behind the wheel in your state - where you can possibly hurt somebody or yourself," Alicia took a slight breath, knowing that she probably shouldn't say what she was about to but she was still in shock and pain, she also knew that it would possibly cause an argument but she had to get this stuff out of her system, she finished with, "like you already have."
"Right. Like I hurt you Alicia." Kalinda practically squeaked out, then continued, "Yes, I slept with Peter - I had sex with Peter. And that was before I knew you Alicia - before I got to know you - liked you. It's just something that I do...did. I just thought of you as a housewife and I - I..." Kalinda stopped her diatribe, she couldn't stand the sound of her own voice - how she was trying to justify what she did. She also couldn't stand the way that Alicia looked at her with such blatant disgust.
"I'm not interested in anything you have to say, Kalinda, I'm really not." Alicia said in an almost whisper, and that seemed to ring truer in the investigator's ears than any loud scream Alicia could have spewed. She could hear the heartbreak in the lawyer's voice and knowing that she was the one that caused this enormous hurt for the woman that she - reluctantly had fallen in love with was much more than she could bear.
The detective looked at the bartender and told him to add her drinks to her tab then removed herself from the bar stool, she nodded to Alicia as she headed toward the door.
A few seconds had past then Alicia grabbed something from the bar, "Kalinda wait." She said timidly, something was in her left hand, "You forgot this," she handed the smaller woman her key ring. The shorter woman had left it on the bar in her effort to leave Alicia's presence as quickly as possible before she had a complete meltdown, but she had stopped as Alicia demanded, although that meant risking an impending breakdown.
"I'll call you a cab." Alicia stated flatly. Her cool gaze focused on the shorter woman.
"No, thanks. I'll drive." Kalinda tried desperately not to look at Alicia, but failed miserably.
"Ah, no you won't," Alicia held up the other woman's car key, "not without this."
Kalinda looked down, now realizing that the key to her SUV wasn't there. "Alicia, gimme my car key." Kalinda said angrily, as she walked back toward her best friend.
"No. I told you that you weren't getting behind the wheel of a car, not tonight." Alicia said adamantly as she glared into Kalinda's eyes, anger mixed with hurt still very evident in their lovely hazel hue.
"Fine, I'll walk then." Turning on her booted spiked heels, starting for the door more expeditiously this time.
"Fine. Just go, walk away - like you always do." I shouldn't even give a shit what she does. Alicia scolded herself for still caring so much.
Kalinda slowed her pace but didn't stop, she couldn't. It was becoming too much to handle when all she wanted to do was beg for Alicia's forgiveness, and pray to whatever God would listen to her for a chance at finding that forgiveness as fast as possible because with each second of being so close to Alicia but without having that true intimacy that they both shared was a punishment that she would not be able to deal with. No matter how strong she pretended to be, she was no match for the power of Alicia Florrick.
As Kalinda finally made it to the bar's front door she froze, to her own annoyance she just wasn't tough enough to resist Alicia's control, she lazily turned around and leaned against the wall for much needed support, then tenderly inquired, "What do want from me, Alicia?" Sure the answer would be as cold and spiteful as the others, if she got one at all.
Alicia opened her mouth to speak then closed it, giving herself a minute to weigh what she wanted, or rather needed to say and a minute for Kalinda to wonder what it was she was going to say to her.
Figuring out exactly what she would say, and in pure Alicia Florrick style, she chose honesty. "I thought, no, hoped that as my best friend, you'd have had the common courtesy of being truthful with me instead of day in-day out, week in-week out, for close to two years - lying to me, Kalinda." Alicia said weakly, each word infused with pain. The solicitor continued, "I believed we had a strong bond, a trust between us, Kalinda - and now I just don't know what to think or feel. I -"
The sleuth gently interceded, "Alicia, we do have a bond, as you call it. I do trust you and I -"
Now it was Alicia's turn to interrupt. "No, Kalinda, that's not possible, if that were true you would have come clean and told me about you and Peter months ago. But, you didn't. You just went on, business as usual, pretending to care, making friends with the "little woman" in hopes of what; easing your guilty conscious," moving in closer to the younger woman, "or checking out the competition, maybe - what, Kalinda?" Alicia ended her mini-tirade then stepped back because the intensity of being so close to Kalinda was still very overpowering, although she was furious with her all that emotion just seemed to fan the fire even more as opposed to extinguishing it.
The PI listened intently to every word Alicia said, allowing them to marinate within her psyche and fill her very soul. A moment or two past then Kalinda was finally able to reply. "Alicia, I know that I hurt you, deeply, and whether or not you believe me I do care for you and I am beyond sorry for the pain I caused you. I feel badly about what I did to you and I don't like feeling that way. I just hope that in time you can... forgive me?" The investigator finished her plea with a heavy heart. Kalinda had never felt anything like this before - her heart literally ached.
"I don't know about that, Kalinda? After what you did, leaving this - this huge shit-storm of emotions in your wake. Your actions have consequences and I'm not so sure when... or if I can forgive you or even trust you again, Kalinda."
Kalinda gulped a dryless swallow then tried to speak, "Alicia, I-"
"You know what, we're just going to keep going in circles about this right now, Kalinda, and I don't want to do that. So, I'll just leave, you can stay and drown yourself in tequila shot, after tequila shot. Your car key will be in your top desk drawer in the morning." The older woman said softly walking past Kalinda just a few steps from the door.
The detective was beside her self with - she wasn't quite sure what; losing Alicia friendship, possibly more. But she definitely felt lost, hurt, angry, she couldn't really wrap her head around what was happening - then it hit her, she was grieving. Grieving the loss of her friendship with Alicia. So, in a desperate attempt to have at least another minute with the lawyer she gently grabbed her forearm before she could completely leave the bar.
The taller brunette turned her head but her body was currently positioned toward the exit. She looked down at Kalinda's hand on her arm, as if she were trying to telepathically remove it. The shorter woman took the clue and moved her hand then proceeded to say, "Alicia please just let me say this then I'll leave." Taking a deep breath and giving the older woman a penetrable gaze before saying, "I love you and-"
The hazel eyed woman twisted herself so that her whole body was toward the smaller woman. "Uh uh, no. You do not get to say that to me, Kalinda, it is selfish and misleading." Alicia said with her heart in her throat as she thought about their kiss and close to revealing admission of their feelings for one another. How dare she tell me that now, when I would have given anything to hear those very words just two nights ago.
"Alicia... please-"
Kalinda was politely cut off albeit with that Alicia Florrick controlled fury once again. "Don't say another word, Kalinda, or should I call you Leela. No matter, the both of you have said more than enough to me." With that said Alicia turned around pushed the door open and walked out, not bothering to look back.
And at that the tiny detective just stood there devastated and confused, wondering if she would ever get back into Alicia's good graces, maybe even one day be forgiven but all she could do right now was hope. But in all honestly all she felt at the moment was scared and very much alone.
the end