Good Girls Eat Donuts
Because they don't do donuts.
I've been hankering to do donuts in a car for the past few years, but have never had a capable vehicle. One year I thought about taking the Rover into an icy parking lot in Tahoe, but Ashley and I couldn't find one that was just right. The Bimmer has traction control, and even when you turn it off it still has like a secret traction control system to keep me from really screwing things up.
So I'm in San Diego for Thanksgiving and I rented a car. A Chevy Malibu. Yesterday while slamming on the gas coming away from a traffic signal, I noticed the tires squealing and thought, hey, I bet this Malibu could pop my donut cherry. I bet we could spend some quality time in a parking lot somewhere and make beautiful music.
After getting my Starbucks this morning, I noticed some wide open spaces in the Home Depot parking lot next door, so I cruised over there, stopped, cranked the steering wheel over, and slammed on the gas. I did a few each way and then all of a sudden two cop cars were speeding towards me. I'm not completely stupid, I did look around and make sure I didn't see any within view, but they must have rolled in right when the fun started.
At first I thought it was kind of funny, and thought there was no way I'd be getting a ticket. Typical girl cockiness with getting pulled over. But these two cops were pretty fucking serious. Told me to give them the keys, put both hands on the steering wheel. I told them I was just trying to do a donut because I'd never done one before, and I'd always wanted to try. "What're you doing out here?" he asked.
"I was just getting Starbucks." I showed him my Venti nonfat sugar free hazelnut latte.
"Wait here."
I chatted up the other humorless cop.
"I feel really stupid and I'm really sorry. I'm 32 years old, I've never done a donut before, and I thought now was a great time to try since I have a rental car and the tires on it are kinda slippery."
"I'm just a nice, normal girl. I'm on my way to see my grandparents for Thanksgiving. I work at Google. I don't do anything bad, ever, I just wanted to try this because I thought it would be fun and I made sure it was safe before I went for it." The desperate pleading continued. The second cop didn't say anything, then walked over to the cop who was researching me and making sure I wasn't an escaped convict or drug addict with three outstanding warrants. The second cop walked back and kept an eye on me and I decided to shut the hell up.
After what felt like a century, the first cop walked up to me and asked me, "do you want to walk today?" I said, "no officer, I'd like to drive to my parents' house." "Well, what you were doing here this morning was an excessive display of speed. We tow cars for that. Do you want your car towed?"
"No sir, I don't want my car towed." I started crying.
"How old are you?" He was almost shouting.
"Thirty two..."
"What in the hell is a thirty two year old woman doing doing donuts? What were you thinking? We thought maybe you stole something from that Home Depot over there and were making a run for it, then when we saw you doing donuts we thought you was on drugs."
"No I'm not on drugs, just Starbucks."
"So the Starbucks made you do donuts today?"
I had to keep myself from laughing through my tears. "No I was stupid, I made a dumb decision and thought it'd be fun to try doing some donuts. I've always wanted to try one."
"Well go back to San Jose and do donuts up there. Don't do them here in San Diego. Where are you going right now?" He sure was asking me a lot of questions.
"I'm going to my parents' place, my grandparents are visiting." I thought of Little Red Riding Hood for a moment.
"Well, I'm not going to tow your car, and I'm not going to write you up. My partner told me 'hey man, it's Thanksgiving, let's go easy on her.' Stop doing donuts. You could have hit a tree or hurt somebody. Happy Thanksgiving."
I thanked him and apologized for alarming them and making them think they had a situation on their hands. Then I sipped my coffee and drove away. A few minutes later I walked into my parents' place like nothing had ever happened...
I've been hankering to do donuts in a car for the past few years, but have never had a capable vehicle. One year I thought about taking the Rover into an icy parking lot in Tahoe, but Ashley and I couldn't find one that was just right. The Bimmer has traction control, and even when you turn it off it still has like a secret traction control system to keep me from really screwing things up.
So I'm in San Diego for Thanksgiving and I rented a car. A Chevy Malibu. Yesterday while slamming on the gas coming away from a traffic signal, I noticed the tires squealing and thought, hey, I bet this Malibu could pop my donut cherry. I bet we could spend some quality time in a parking lot somewhere and make beautiful music.
After getting my Starbucks this morning, I noticed some wide open spaces in the Home Depot parking lot next door, so I cruised over there, stopped, cranked the steering wheel over, and slammed on the gas. I did a few each way and then all of a sudden two cop cars were speeding towards me. I'm not completely stupid, I did look around and make sure I didn't see any within view, but they must have rolled in right when the fun started.
At first I thought it was kind of funny, and thought there was no way I'd be getting a ticket. Typical girl cockiness with getting pulled over. But these two cops were pretty fucking serious. Told me to give them the keys, put both hands on the steering wheel. I told them I was just trying to do a donut because I'd never done one before, and I'd always wanted to try. "What're you doing out here?" he asked.
"I was just getting Starbucks." I showed him my Venti nonfat sugar free hazelnut latte.
"Wait here."
I chatted up the other humorless cop.
"I feel really stupid and I'm really sorry. I'm 32 years old, I've never done a donut before, and I thought now was a great time to try since I have a rental car and the tires on it are kinda slippery."
"I'm just a nice, normal girl. I'm on my way to see my grandparents for Thanksgiving. I work at Google. I don't do anything bad, ever, I just wanted to try this because I thought it would be fun and I made sure it was safe before I went for it." The desperate pleading continued. The second cop didn't say anything, then walked over to the cop who was researching me and making sure I wasn't an escaped convict or drug addict with three outstanding warrants. The second cop walked back and kept an eye on me and I decided to shut the hell up.
After what felt like a century, the first cop walked up to me and asked me, "do you want to walk today?" I said, "no officer, I'd like to drive to my parents' house." "Well, what you were doing here this morning was an excessive display of speed. We tow cars for that. Do you want your car towed?"
"No sir, I don't want my car towed." I started crying.
"How old are you?" He was almost shouting.
"Thirty two..."
"What in the hell is a thirty two year old woman doing doing donuts? What were you thinking? We thought maybe you stole something from that Home Depot over there and were making a run for it, then when we saw you doing donuts we thought you was on drugs."
"No I'm not on drugs, just Starbucks."
"So the Starbucks made you do donuts today?"
I had to keep myself from laughing through my tears. "No I was stupid, I made a dumb decision and thought it'd be fun to try doing some donuts. I've always wanted to try one."
"Well go back to San Jose and do donuts up there. Don't do them here in San Diego. Where are you going right now?" He sure was asking me a lot of questions.
"I'm going to my parents' place, my grandparents are visiting." I thought of Little Red Riding Hood for a moment.
"Well, I'm not going to tow your car, and I'm not going to write you up. My partner told me 'hey man, it's Thanksgiving, let's go easy on her.' Stop doing donuts. You could have hit a tree or hurt somebody. Happy Thanksgiving."
I thanked him and apologized for alarming them and making them think they had a situation on their hands. Then I sipped my coffee and drove away. A few minutes later I walked into my parents' place like nothing had ever happened...