(no subject)
So, well before I waste anyone's time, this entry is going to be long, sooky and basically fucking boring, just need to get my thoughts out, somewhere that Troy more than likely won't read them (it will be my luck that he will read them now that I've said he won't!) and hopefully it will help me get outta this bitch of a mood. For those who don't wanna read this shit, I will do a post later on for you, hopefully a nice one than this is going to be, for those who wanna continue reading my rambles on here goes...
Well when I last posted on Thursday I said I was going out to see some people, did that, it was cool. Hadn't seen most of them in a while so yeah it was cool, should catch up with again as soon as we can.
In that same post I also said that I had an interesting conversation with someone, a conversation that was needed, and should have been had a few years ago, but never happened. I didn't want to go into details of that conversation then, and certainly don't want to go into details now.
The person who that conversation was with knows exactly what's going on, and that's all that matters, well I guess at least. Now I hope that person can tell me what the fuck is going on, that is if they do know, cause atm I have no idea. Well I do, but blah I can't say too much about my thoughts on the conversation as pretty much any of my thoughts will give away what the conversation was about. I will come back to this later on.
At the moment I am torn between a couple of different things that I want, most I can't have or shouldn't have because they will upset too many people. I don't know who I can talk to about any of these things, because I feel that anybody I talk to will either judge me the wrong way about it or will not take me seriously. It is kinda a lose/lose situation. I have to either get it out this way and make no sense completely, or just say nothing and feel like shit.
I think all this thinking has sent me back into a way that I haven't been for years, probably around the time I was either living or visiting Melbourne.
I had some of the best times of my life while I was living in Melbourne. I had some people around me who although I don't see or speak to as much as I would like to I would still class as people I feel really close to, even compared to some of the people I have known for 10 years! I don't know what it is about them, but they are just the best people to be around and I really miss having them around all the time, I guess that's what happens, you take for granted people/things you have around all the time, until you don't have them around as much as you used to. We had some good times together getting up to shit as teenagers do and it was probably made all the more fun knowing that my own family was at least 1000kms away. I guess that's what made it so good. These friends were probably more like my family than my friends. I didn't have anyone else but these guys there, they were my rocks.
I will never forget those times, I just wish it was longer, and I could have gone down in a different frame of mind. I went down worrying about all these different things. I had been through what I would call the worst time of my life 10 fold. I had made a couple of the biggest decisions of my life in the few months leading up to when I got onto that Ansett flight early in April 2001. I had my new little mate jizz (Gizmo, those around at the time will know exactly who little jizz was!) killed, which even though he wasn't around long, and on top of all the other shit that had happened previously it was a hard couple of days for me!
Since I moved back, 2 months after I got there I have only visited twice I have had the feelings that I am feeling now. The first time was just after I had broken up with Adam for the first time. I even went as far as telling him that if he was certain that he never wanted me back I was going to cancel my flight home the next day to stay there, somewhere that although I only know a few people, I felt like it was the place I was (possibly still) meant to live. His response was if you want to stay I won't hold you back. I now know from events that happened after me returning, which included me getting straight off that plane and going to his house to see him and us ending up back together that he was trying to cover up his true feelings, which was something he seemed good at. But that doesn't matter. Can't change what happened there.
After reading over this (something I do when I am posting, just to make sure it makes fucking sense) all the stuff about my time in Melbourne is stuff that I should have said to my friends there many years ago. I do apologise to them from the bottom of my heart and I hope that they believe me when I say that I love them like my own family and that I thank them for everything they did for me while I was there. I just wanna thank you guys for just being you, and I hope you never change!
Sometimes I even wish I never came back, but I wouldn't have everything that I have now. My great job, my perfect daughter which just thinking about not having her in my life makes me fucking cry, cause I never want to have to live another day of my life without her.
I don't know what is wrong with me. Sometimes I feel as happy as I have ever been, but especially over the last couple of days to the last week. I have comtemplated things that could have been, like people who I have had relationships in the past that I wish I was still with and all that stuff.
As much as I think how good those times were, they would never have resulted in Mikaylah. I could have had other children, but they wouldn't be Mikaylah. I might not have had them now, but ahhh it is too hard to explain
The thing is, I am obviously not happy. People are expecting things of me, things which won't make me happy, and what will make me happy will hurt other people's feelings. Like I said the whole thing is a lose/lose situation. Maybe getting this out on here will make a difference.
There is one person who I need to sit down one on one and have a real long conversation about things, they know who they are, and I am sure they are kinda expecting the longer version of our conversation, but atm with how I am thinking it will just go really bad, but I can't let these things go through my head much longer.
Maybe once I finally go to sleep I will be able to forget a few things and I will wake up feeling like a new person!
Speaking of bed, I am going to go there now, due to the fact I haven't had much sleep the last three days and I sure as hell need it after today!
Will fill you all in with how I go other the next few days
Until then ta ta for now! (hehe that reminds me of tigger!)
Well when I last posted on Thursday I said I was going out to see some people, did that, it was cool. Hadn't seen most of them in a while so yeah it was cool, should catch up with again as soon as we can.
In that same post I also said that I had an interesting conversation with someone, a conversation that was needed, and should have been had a few years ago, but never happened. I didn't want to go into details of that conversation then, and certainly don't want to go into details now.
The person who that conversation was with knows exactly what's going on, and that's all that matters, well I guess at least. Now I hope that person can tell me what the fuck is going on, that is if they do know, cause atm I have no idea. Well I do, but blah I can't say too much about my thoughts on the conversation as pretty much any of my thoughts will give away what the conversation was about. I will come back to this later on.
At the moment I am torn between a couple of different things that I want, most I can't have or shouldn't have because they will upset too many people. I don't know who I can talk to about any of these things, because I feel that anybody I talk to will either judge me the wrong way about it or will not take me seriously. It is kinda a lose/lose situation. I have to either get it out this way and make no sense completely, or just say nothing and feel like shit.
I think all this thinking has sent me back into a way that I haven't been for years, probably around the time I was either living or visiting Melbourne.
I had some of the best times of my life while I was living in Melbourne. I had some people around me who although I don't see or speak to as much as I would like to I would still class as people I feel really close to, even compared to some of the people I have known for 10 years! I don't know what it is about them, but they are just the best people to be around and I really miss having them around all the time, I guess that's what happens, you take for granted people/things you have around all the time, until you don't have them around as much as you used to. We had some good times together getting up to shit as teenagers do and it was probably made all the more fun knowing that my own family was at least 1000kms away. I guess that's what made it so good. These friends were probably more like my family than my friends. I didn't have anyone else but these guys there, they were my rocks.
I will never forget those times, I just wish it was longer, and I could have gone down in a different frame of mind. I went down worrying about all these different things. I had been through what I would call the worst time of my life 10 fold. I had made a couple of the biggest decisions of my life in the few months leading up to when I got onto that Ansett flight early in April 2001. I had my new little mate jizz (Gizmo, those around at the time will know exactly who little jizz was!) killed, which even though he wasn't around long, and on top of all the other shit that had happened previously it was a hard couple of days for me!
Since I moved back, 2 months after I got there I have only visited twice I have had the feelings that I am feeling now. The first time was just after I had broken up with Adam for the first time. I even went as far as telling him that if he was certain that he never wanted me back I was going to cancel my flight home the next day to stay there, somewhere that although I only know a few people, I felt like it was the place I was (possibly still) meant to live. His response was if you want to stay I won't hold you back. I now know from events that happened after me returning, which included me getting straight off that plane and going to his house to see him and us ending up back together that he was trying to cover up his true feelings, which was something he seemed good at. But that doesn't matter. Can't change what happened there.
After reading over this (something I do when I am posting, just to make sure it makes fucking sense) all the stuff about my time in Melbourne is stuff that I should have said to my friends there many years ago. I do apologise to them from the bottom of my heart and I hope that they believe me when I say that I love them like my own family and that I thank them for everything they did for me while I was there. I just wanna thank you guys for just being you, and I hope you never change!
Sometimes I even wish I never came back, but I wouldn't have everything that I have now. My great job, my perfect daughter which just thinking about not having her in my life makes me fucking cry, cause I never want to have to live another day of my life without her.
I don't know what is wrong with me. Sometimes I feel as happy as I have ever been, but especially over the last couple of days to the last week. I have comtemplated things that could have been, like people who I have had relationships in the past that I wish I was still with and all that stuff.
As much as I think how good those times were, they would never have resulted in Mikaylah. I could have had other children, but they wouldn't be Mikaylah. I might not have had them now, but ahhh it is too hard to explain
The thing is, I am obviously not happy. People are expecting things of me, things which won't make me happy, and what will make me happy will hurt other people's feelings. Like I said the whole thing is a lose/lose situation. Maybe getting this out on here will make a difference.
There is one person who I need to sit down one on one and have a real long conversation about things, they know who they are, and I am sure they are kinda expecting the longer version of our conversation, but atm with how I am thinking it will just go really bad, but I can't let these things go through my head much longer.
Maybe once I finally go to sleep I will be able to forget a few things and I will wake up feeling like a new person!
Speaking of bed, I am going to go there now, due to the fact I haven't had much sleep the last three days and I sure as hell need it after today!
Will fill you all in with how I go other the next few days
Until then ta ta for now! (hehe that reminds me of tigger!)