Free
Perhaps there is no one way to closure. Maybe though I used to believe so strongly in baring my all and sharing what went wrong and rehashing events and sharing my hurt, it can't always work.
Maybe there will sometimes be parties who won't be okay with it.
Or you wait too long to get it.
I've thought before that there's a preliminary period for closure or getting back together, a certain period of time where feelings are fresh enough for you to prey on someone's discontent or sympathy. And then after that, it's been too long. You're too late. It's too silly to rehash something so hold.
So if I never get to tell him all these things I felt or all the ways I hurt...will I be ok? I guess. I guess maybe it's better telling the people in my life who really care and really listen rather than someone who won't know what to do with my truths.
Maybe Hopefully Probably none of it will matter one day because it will just be one small pang in a much more beautiful and grander scheme. What do I hope to gain by making someone feel bad about themselves and understanding why they hurt me?
It's the kind of thing the emotional in me cares about but understands doesn't matter. I'm strong enough to be ok with out it. I've been okay.
And more than being okay, I'm strong and mature and SMART enough to exist with someone like this not like how I am with kids from my high school - needlessly intimidated, not myself, clustered into cliques -- but as my true self, my happiest, best foot forward self.
Today I am ok with the roads diverging not because I need to be or I accept it but because it just feels unnecessary to bend myself to accommodate someone who just doesn't care enough. I've heard it over and over, if someone really loves you like that, they don't do these things, when someone actually cares for you, all these fights don't happen. We only fought because he just didn't care enough for how much I did. And unfortunately, that either goes to how he feels about our friendship, or friendships in general or life. Who knows.
I do know though that I will have more. Because I see now what I am capable of giving. And this real person of mine may not have it all that I wanted - maybe not the ideal background, or cute story, or years of friendship, or career path, whatever - but they should see that emotional, loving side of mine and give to me, be aware of my happiness and understand that what I give them is enough, is more than enough, is enough that I try so I am never made to feel unworthy.
And for as empowered as I feel right now, in the back of my mind, I can only hope that as I heal from myself, by myself, with visions of feeling completed by someone else, that many many years from now at most I finally get that closure from him where he tells me he did it wrong. I hope it doesn't take him a few screwy relationships or divorces or mistakes to understand, but I also hope he doesn't get it right right away. I had to earn and learn my happiness.
My tough, windey path probably isn't for everyone. But every step I take forward, I look back at the rough road behind me and beam with pride.
Maybe there will sometimes be parties who won't be okay with it.
Or you wait too long to get it.
I've thought before that there's a preliminary period for closure or getting back together, a certain period of time where feelings are fresh enough for you to prey on someone's discontent or sympathy. And then after that, it's been too long. You're too late. It's too silly to rehash something so hold.
So if I never get to tell him all these things I felt or all the ways I hurt...will I be ok? I guess. I guess maybe it's better telling the people in my life who really care and really listen rather than someone who won't know what to do with my truths.
Maybe Hopefully Probably none of it will matter one day because it will just be one small pang in a much more beautiful and grander scheme. What do I hope to gain by making someone feel bad about themselves and understanding why they hurt me?
It's the kind of thing the emotional in me cares about but understands doesn't matter. I'm strong enough to be ok with out it. I've been okay.
And more than being okay, I'm strong and mature and SMART enough to exist with someone like this not like how I am with kids from my high school - needlessly intimidated, not myself, clustered into cliques -- but as my true self, my happiest, best foot forward self.
Today I am ok with the roads diverging not because I need to be or I accept it but because it just feels unnecessary to bend myself to accommodate someone who just doesn't care enough. I've heard it over and over, if someone really loves you like that, they don't do these things, when someone actually cares for you, all these fights don't happen. We only fought because he just didn't care enough for how much I did. And unfortunately, that either goes to how he feels about our friendship, or friendships in general or life. Who knows.
I do know though that I will have more. Because I see now what I am capable of giving. And this real person of mine may not have it all that I wanted - maybe not the ideal background, or cute story, or years of friendship, or career path, whatever - but they should see that emotional, loving side of mine and give to me, be aware of my happiness and understand that what I give them is enough, is more than enough, is enough that I try so I am never made to feel unworthy.
And for as empowered as I feel right now, in the back of my mind, I can only hope that as I heal from myself, by myself, with visions of feeling completed by someone else, that many many years from now at most I finally get that closure from him where he tells me he did it wrong. I hope it doesn't take him a few screwy relationships or divorces or mistakes to understand, but I also hope he doesn't get it right right away. I had to earn and learn my happiness.
My tough, windey path probably isn't for everyone. But every step I take forward, I look back at the rough road behind me and beam with pride.