(no subject)
I'm in an odd mood. I should be in a happy one but I'm really not. I'm stressed about work...and as if that wasn't enough..nothing else seems to be working out either..in any aspect of life. I've been sick this passed week...and it isn't getting any better. Florida is slowly coming up...I don't even want to go anymore. I have messed up a lot this passed month and if I could do it over again...I would. I would change absolutely everything that has happened...and maybe then I wouldn't feel the way I feel right now. It sounds so melodramatic...and I sit here and try not to get choked up thinking about it, but I can't help it. Of all of the decisions I've made this passed year, even...is there much I'm happy about? Proud of? I had one awesome thing and I let him walk out of my life. I hate what I've done to get where I am right now. I hate who I've hurt, including myself...and I hate the fact that I'm now further from where I want to be. The worst part...? You can't miss something you never even really had. Hell I wasn't even close...but I wanted to be and I pushed myself so hard to believe that I was there...which is why I am where I am right now. I look around my room at pictures from the last year...Kyle and I...Mom and I...Tanya and I...the girls and I...and you can see how different things are. I then look at the prom pictures still up...and I can honestly say that was the happiest I have ever been..that and last Christmas. How sad is that?!? I look at how strong a person I was then...between having my strength back after Adrian...and Sunny and I had been talking a lot so I felt better there...and I was okay with the school situation. I look now and most of that is gone...and I'm too ashamed to talk to Sunny again...too ashamed to say that I dropped again. I don't want the pity..I don't want to be the charity case again. I would give anything to go back to being the person I was then...and that's so foolish of me. God I'm stupid for thinking this way....
And after a nice, long cry...I feel no better...
And after a nice, long cry...I feel no better...