in retrospect
im down to 175 lbs. started weight watchers at the very end of may, and it's mid-july and im down 14 lbs. im pretty excited to be able to go back to work after the summer off and be able to say "i lost 15 lbs this summer." probably one of my biggest accomplishments.
i was in a bit of a mood today, thinking about this weight loss. i keep obsessively comparing my old dates and weights, looking at pictures of myself at those dates and trying to understand how i ever thought i was skinny then, or how i ever thought i was fat then. it doesn't make sense. i was always pleased with my body. but looking back im embarrassed. so i decided to start trying on some clothes that might not fit me anymore, clothes that were too small for too long. thing is, ive tossed most of those. and ive been in size 20 and xxl stuff for a while, especially with the pregnancy and all the meds and hormones that added up to that. i decided id have to go in my mom's cedar hope chest to find HER wedding dress to my step-dad in 1991. now, to me, my mom was always "fat." to me, i thought she was pretty heavy. but i think she and i have different bodies. i had tried on my mom's size 16 wedding dress years ago when i was sick and much heavier and thought to myself "my mom was SO fat back then, and even NOW i cant fit into her dress. im disgusting." oh my dear melissa, the truth was that she was perfect. because now, today, you buttoned up her wedding dress that fit PERFECTLY. she wasnt fat then, she was perfect. and look at you, you have lost so much and are perfect too, for this moment. I just couldnt believe it.
this entire ordeal of weighing myself and comparing myself has only helped me realize what mental illness does. what a personality disorder does to a woman. it strips her from herself and her potential. it strips her mind down to its base instincts. When i was 225 lbs, i was miserable. i was self-harming, yelling, angry, sobbing, very manic, and couldnt hold down a job. when i lost my baby in august, i was still doin pretty bad, but i was holding on. i had recently lost weight while pregnant and was feelin good about myself. but it wasnt until i went to a retreat at Seacoast Church called Chosen where things finally turned for me.
id been to Chosen before. i loved that church and that conference. i remember standing up and boldly asking the question: "but what if my husband is the passive one, and im the aggressive one? how can we fit?" her answer didnt suffice. no one else had the answer to that one until very very recently. Chosen was an awesome conference. But i hadnt been in a while. ive been struggling with my relationship with god for quite a while. my mother-in-law does a pretty good job of keeping me on track the best she can, but its not enough.
anyway, here i was trying a bit of a last ditch effort at this conference. a hail mary. as a catholic, i think maybe mary was involved ;). i was sitting in the back, enjoying some weird yogurt bowl concoction that the church cafe had made, and listening to the powerful woman below retell her story and i felt my heart just cry. and my mind wanted me to cry, i wanted to cry so bad. i knew my mental health problems were killing me. i knew i woke up every day lying to the world, to my employers, to my family, to myself, to my friends. and i was tired. i was done. and i threw my hands up and said "i give up" my first real surrender to christ. "i cant do this anymore. it's yours. i dont want it"
there was no big sob fest, or a prayer circle afterward. i was in the back row, hiding as best i could in the dark. but there neednt be a sob fest or prayer circle because that was between me and god and no one else. and damn if he didnt come through. he took it away. IT WAS GONE. IT IS GONE. i was broken and bruised and defeated, hiding in my closet every night of the week because i couldnt handle audio stimulation and i couldnt hadnle how fast my mind raced. self harm every night of the week because my self hated was deep and cut fast into my mind. id feel vulnerable during a conversation for one split second and id end up hitting myself to compensate, almost as an impulse due to my OCD. id frequently lash out verbally at my ever-patient husband, who had gotten too used to saying "this isnt YOU, melissa. this is the BPD. THIS ISNT YOU" and it would infuriate me because in that moment i was the most ME id felt in a long time. i was heavy, overeating, taking medications that numbed the hell out of me. man, i was worthless.
and then the next day it was gone. for a good two weeks EVERYTHING was gone, ALL the bad habits my BPD had turned me into. they tapered back a little by little. over the past 9 months ive only spent 4 nights in my closet. self harmed maybe 5 times. i havent lashed out verbally at my husband once in 9 months. ive had scary moments where i felt my OCD and BPD stuff come on, but god had GIVEN ME GRACE and ALLOWED ME TO LEARN how to see it coming. he took the URGENCY of my problems away, and instead gave me a slow mind. he truly took the edge off of all of my problems and gifted me this amazing ability to understand my thinking and slow it down. im calm. im capable. i can name every single symptom as it crops up, and i can name every coping mechanism i use to swat it away. and when it doesnt work, i KNOW HOW to be easy on myself and love myself.
additionally, i had been putting in very hard work with my therapist since 2016. we are coming up on two years, and i know that i would not have been "cured" without the hard work he and i have done to rework my thinking. im so grateful. and im finally off my meds. thats a huge part of my abilty to lose weight, as well.
yes, i still struggle. but i see it happen, and i stop it before it ruins me. im becoming lovely. people notice. people say things, not just about losing weight, but about how happy i am, and how i seem different. they see it.
i was broken for 12 years, and now im free, thanks to God, my long-suffering husband, medication compliance, consistent and DIFFICULT therapy, Dr. Uderitz, and thanks to me. thanks to every time i took an anxiety pill when i needed it, and every time i didnt when i didnt. thanks to me and every time i had a sudden realization of which BPD symptom was coming out and instead of feeding it, i shoved it back down where it belonged. thanks to me for believing that i can be MORE off my medication. thanks to be for being BRAVE to ask others how they feel about me instead of letting my mind spin. thanks to ME for learning patience, and empathy because i didnt understand those, i had to LEARN them. thanks to ME for putting in the work, and simply ENDURING the hard and difficult feelings.
Dr. Uderitz said sometimes you just endure. you dont pop a pill, you dont make a bad decision, you dont freak out, sometimes you just endure the bad feeling until it goes away.
and it's all startin to go away, finally. after 12 years.
i was in a bit of a mood today, thinking about this weight loss. i keep obsessively comparing my old dates and weights, looking at pictures of myself at those dates and trying to understand how i ever thought i was skinny then, or how i ever thought i was fat then. it doesn't make sense. i was always pleased with my body. but looking back im embarrassed. so i decided to start trying on some clothes that might not fit me anymore, clothes that were too small for too long. thing is, ive tossed most of those. and ive been in size 20 and xxl stuff for a while, especially with the pregnancy and all the meds and hormones that added up to that. i decided id have to go in my mom's cedar hope chest to find HER wedding dress to my step-dad in 1991. now, to me, my mom was always "fat." to me, i thought she was pretty heavy. but i think she and i have different bodies. i had tried on my mom's size 16 wedding dress years ago when i was sick and much heavier and thought to myself "my mom was SO fat back then, and even NOW i cant fit into her dress. im disgusting." oh my dear melissa, the truth was that she was perfect. because now, today, you buttoned up her wedding dress that fit PERFECTLY. she wasnt fat then, she was perfect. and look at you, you have lost so much and are perfect too, for this moment. I just couldnt believe it.
this entire ordeal of weighing myself and comparing myself has only helped me realize what mental illness does. what a personality disorder does to a woman. it strips her from herself and her potential. it strips her mind down to its base instincts. When i was 225 lbs, i was miserable. i was self-harming, yelling, angry, sobbing, very manic, and couldnt hold down a job. when i lost my baby in august, i was still doin pretty bad, but i was holding on. i had recently lost weight while pregnant and was feelin good about myself. but it wasnt until i went to a retreat at Seacoast Church called Chosen where things finally turned for me.
id been to Chosen before. i loved that church and that conference. i remember standing up and boldly asking the question: "but what if my husband is the passive one, and im the aggressive one? how can we fit?" her answer didnt suffice. no one else had the answer to that one until very very recently. Chosen was an awesome conference. But i hadnt been in a while. ive been struggling with my relationship with god for quite a while. my mother-in-law does a pretty good job of keeping me on track the best she can, but its not enough.
anyway, here i was trying a bit of a last ditch effort at this conference. a hail mary. as a catholic, i think maybe mary was involved ;). i was sitting in the back, enjoying some weird yogurt bowl concoction that the church cafe had made, and listening to the powerful woman below retell her story and i felt my heart just cry. and my mind wanted me to cry, i wanted to cry so bad. i knew my mental health problems were killing me. i knew i woke up every day lying to the world, to my employers, to my family, to myself, to my friends. and i was tired. i was done. and i threw my hands up and said "i give up" my first real surrender to christ. "i cant do this anymore. it's yours. i dont want it"
there was no big sob fest, or a prayer circle afterward. i was in the back row, hiding as best i could in the dark. but there neednt be a sob fest or prayer circle because that was between me and god and no one else. and damn if he didnt come through. he took it away. IT WAS GONE. IT IS GONE. i was broken and bruised and defeated, hiding in my closet every night of the week because i couldnt handle audio stimulation and i couldnt hadnle how fast my mind raced. self harm every night of the week because my self hated was deep and cut fast into my mind. id feel vulnerable during a conversation for one split second and id end up hitting myself to compensate, almost as an impulse due to my OCD. id frequently lash out verbally at my ever-patient husband, who had gotten too used to saying "this isnt YOU, melissa. this is the BPD. THIS ISNT YOU" and it would infuriate me because in that moment i was the most ME id felt in a long time. i was heavy, overeating, taking medications that numbed the hell out of me. man, i was worthless.
and then the next day it was gone. for a good two weeks EVERYTHING was gone, ALL the bad habits my BPD had turned me into. they tapered back a little by little. over the past 9 months ive only spent 4 nights in my closet. self harmed maybe 5 times. i havent lashed out verbally at my husband once in 9 months. ive had scary moments where i felt my OCD and BPD stuff come on, but god had GIVEN ME GRACE and ALLOWED ME TO LEARN how to see it coming. he took the URGENCY of my problems away, and instead gave me a slow mind. he truly took the edge off of all of my problems and gifted me this amazing ability to understand my thinking and slow it down. im calm. im capable. i can name every single symptom as it crops up, and i can name every coping mechanism i use to swat it away. and when it doesnt work, i KNOW HOW to be easy on myself and love myself.
additionally, i had been putting in very hard work with my therapist since 2016. we are coming up on two years, and i know that i would not have been "cured" without the hard work he and i have done to rework my thinking. im so grateful. and im finally off my meds. thats a huge part of my abilty to lose weight, as well.
yes, i still struggle. but i see it happen, and i stop it before it ruins me. im becoming lovely. people notice. people say things, not just about losing weight, but about how happy i am, and how i seem different. they see it.
i was broken for 12 years, and now im free, thanks to God, my long-suffering husband, medication compliance, consistent and DIFFICULT therapy, Dr. Uderitz, and thanks to me. thanks to every time i took an anxiety pill when i needed it, and every time i didnt when i didnt. thanks to me and every time i had a sudden realization of which BPD symptom was coming out and instead of feeding it, i shoved it back down where it belonged. thanks to me for believing that i can be MORE off my medication. thanks to be for being BRAVE to ask others how they feel about me instead of letting my mind spin. thanks to ME for learning patience, and empathy because i didnt understand those, i had to LEARN them. thanks to ME for putting in the work, and simply ENDURING the hard and difficult feelings.
Dr. Uderitz said sometimes you just endure. you dont pop a pill, you dont make a bad decision, you dont freak out, sometimes you just endure the bad feeling until it goes away.
and it's all startin to go away, finally. after 12 years.