whoa baby
not caring if the entire world reads this. i dont think i link to this from my facebook anymore. but who cares. in any case, this is a TMI post.
steve and i are trying to get pregnant. this post is not about sex. this post is about EVERYTHING ELSE.
9 or so months ago i FINALLY went to my gyno and told her that i hadnt had a period in like a YEAR, which is insane. i suppose all the self sabatoge was keeping me from going. she did some tests, and told me that i dont ovulate. and of course i was terrified. at that point, we werent trying for a baby, so i just took it as some of god's grace keeping us from getting pregnant. didnt keep me from being devestated.
since i found myself engaged to steve i have had a weight on my heart for a baby. literally it feels like a weight. i have watched many friends of mine get pregnant, some by chance, some had to struggle for it. i didnt say much, sometimes id cry to steve that we weren't "ready", and he sometimes understood. i think he mostly tried to comfort me without truly really understanding what it felt like to have someone squeezing your heart 24/7.
this past december i lost my job. total shock, not only to me but also to anyone else that i worked with. i have been trying to piece together "why" for a long time, and i havent quite been able to, but none of that matters anymore. the point is that i have had a new job since about 5 hours after i left the preschool: i nanny for the three most amazing kids on the planet. once i got this job, a little piece of me started saying "have a baby now. have a baby now. have a baby now." i didnt get it, it didnt make any sense. then i began some research - how much it costs to have a baby per year, will i have my job next year and the next year, can i count on my classes being early enough to take before steve goes to work, can i bring my baby to work with me (of course i can, i nanny for my cousins), do we qualify for prenatal medicaid, what does the budget look like, can we afford to stay at home with the baby after i finish school.....
we decided to go ahead with it now. and i am excited but terrified. what if it doesnt work. what if the medicine doesnt make me ovulate? what if it DOESNT WORK? should i tell the people that i dont think will support me?!
i have gotten a huge spectrum of responses - "WONDERFUL! I FULLY SUPPORT THIS DECISION"; "well, okay, just be sure you finish school"; "we cant really respond until we've prayed about it"; "dont get me all excited and then change your mind!"; "this is a terrible decision on so many levels"
but at least i have the balls to tell the truth: we want a baby. we want to work hard for it. we want it.
and of course, the prayers. my stomach turns every time i ask god to keep us on his path, becuase i fear the devistation ill feel if he says "no". but id rather be sad and with Him than anywhere without Him.
wish me luck. i just finished taking pills that will make me FINALLY get my period again after a few months, and i feel like ive been hit by a truck. next comes the ovulation pills. if this doesnt work out i will be totally devestated.
and totally vulnerable.
steve and i are trying to get pregnant. this post is not about sex. this post is about EVERYTHING ELSE.
9 or so months ago i FINALLY went to my gyno and told her that i hadnt had a period in like a YEAR, which is insane. i suppose all the self sabatoge was keeping me from going. she did some tests, and told me that i dont ovulate. and of course i was terrified. at that point, we werent trying for a baby, so i just took it as some of god's grace keeping us from getting pregnant. didnt keep me from being devestated.
since i found myself engaged to steve i have had a weight on my heart for a baby. literally it feels like a weight. i have watched many friends of mine get pregnant, some by chance, some had to struggle for it. i didnt say much, sometimes id cry to steve that we weren't "ready", and he sometimes understood. i think he mostly tried to comfort me without truly really understanding what it felt like to have someone squeezing your heart 24/7.
this past december i lost my job. total shock, not only to me but also to anyone else that i worked with. i have been trying to piece together "why" for a long time, and i havent quite been able to, but none of that matters anymore. the point is that i have had a new job since about 5 hours after i left the preschool: i nanny for the three most amazing kids on the planet. once i got this job, a little piece of me started saying "have a baby now. have a baby now. have a baby now." i didnt get it, it didnt make any sense. then i began some research - how much it costs to have a baby per year, will i have my job next year and the next year, can i count on my classes being early enough to take before steve goes to work, can i bring my baby to work with me (of course i can, i nanny for my cousins), do we qualify for prenatal medicaid, what does the budget look like, can we afford to stay at home with the baby after i finish school.....
we decided to go ahead with it now. and i am excited but terrified. what if it doesnt work. what if the medicine doesnt make me ovulate? what if it DOESNT WORK? should i tell the people that i dont think will support me?!
i have gotten a huge spectrum of responses - "WONDERFUL! I FULLY SUPPORT THIS DECISION"; "well, okay, just be sure you finish school"; "we cant really respond until we've prayed about it"; "dont get me all excited and then change your mind!"; "this is a terrible decision on so many levels"
but at least i have the balls to tell the truth: we want a baby. we want to work hard for it. we want it.
and of course, the prayers. my stomach turns every time i ask god to keep us on his path, becuase i fear the devistation ill feel if he says "no". but id rather be sad and with Him than anywhere without Him.
wish me luck. i just finished taking pills that will make me FINALLY get my period again after a few months, and i feel like ive been hit by a truck. next comes the ovulation pills. if this doesnt work out i will be totally devestated.
and totally vulnerable.