Guilt
Title: Guilt
Pairing: Sergio Ramos/Raul
Rating: PG ... angst
Disclaimer: You want the truth? Then you might as well stop reading now because this isn't it.
Word Count: 1130
A/N: There are so many ideas running round my brain and this is the one that won today's race to escape ... as for the pairing it just seemed to fit nicely.
They lie there, bodies entwined together in the middle of the huge bed, sunlight streaming in through the window and pooling at the bottom of the bed, haloing the pile of abandoned clothes lying there.
Sergio curls into Raul, his eyes closed lazily and his fingers trace slow circles across the older man's exposed stomach, the two of them fitting together like a perfect jigsaw. Neither of them are asleep but neither of them feel the need to do anything but lie there in contented silence listening to the world wake up, despite knowing they would be late for training if they didn't move soon. He shifts his head slightly to gaze down at the practically perfect body draped over him and somewhere in his gut he feels a stab of pain that turns into a dull ache.
Guilt.
It's a strange new feeling, not one Raul is accustomed to and not one he likes but he can't stop it and he knows it isn't going to go away. He presses his lips down onto the younger man's head as he shifts his arm that is laying across his shoulder. He's smart, funny and amazingly talented. He's only just at the start of his career taking off but Raul can sense brilliance and potential, especially when it's lying in his bed. He's not sure if Sergio realises just how amazing he is, but he's sure he'll realise one day. One day that Raul knows he won't be around to see. He knows that while one career is taking off another is drawing to a close, his aching joints reminding him whenever he starts to forget.
Raul usually has no problem ending relationships; in the football world of transfers, sales and injuries no relationship is ever truly forever. He can usually tell himself that it was never anything serious, it was just a fling or a one off and that once he's gone they will find a new partner to fuck in dark corners of empty changing rooms and steal kisses from in goal celebrations. It won't even hurt them. It never hurts Raul, sometimes he gets a bit too attached but he always bounces back because it's only temporary.
But this time it's different. This time he knows he's going to hurt him. Sergio is too genuine for his own good. He's just an innocent child, never demanding anything from Raul but always ready and willing to submit to any demands asked of him without question. His unerring optimism and infectious happiness could elicit a smile from Raul no matter how depressed he was feeling. His ability to find something to say - no matter what the occasion, whether they're out at the bar with the rest of the team or just lounging on the sofa watching a TV program, Sergio always had some witty remark or other.
The thought of Sergio's inability to stop talking took Raul back to the day he first met Sergio, he was sitting in the locker room when the coach came in, trailing a skinny, nervous teenager behind him and introduced him to the squad. He had no inhibitions on the pitch, letting his natural talent carry him round the field but off the pitch was a different story, he didn't say a word just sat and listened, the typical teen self conciousness of his braces stopping him from even opening his mouth around his older team mates. Raul almost had to force the words out of his mouth and it was weeks before they had properly talked without Raul having to push him for more than two word answers. But once he had opened his mouth he opened his heart with it, and he opened it far too quickly and far too trustingly and Raul hoped Sergio would be able to close it in future once he had left and work out how to harden his soul.
Raul is pulled out of his thoughts as he feels Sergio dropping feather light kisses on his chest. He looks down and finds himself gazing into two bottomless pools of life as Sergio looks up, smiling at him.
“What you thinking about, gitano?” Raul asks the younger boy, his voice barely above a whisper, not really knowing why but knowing he didn't want to ruin the moment.
“Nothing; I'm just thinking how perfect life feels right now,” he shifts his body to stare up at the ceiling, “just being here, with you. Nothing more simple yet nothing more perfect.”
“I know, Sese, I know.” he sighs, stroking his hair, listening to the boy rhythmic breathing until he hears it deepen ever so slightly, letting him know that he had fallen asleep.
He feels that same stab of guilt in the pit of his stomach once again. He tries to justify his thinking to himself, that it won't be as bad as he thinks, maybe it won't hurt and he can just retire and let him down gently? He won't even notice until it's happened and by then it will be too late, he will have a new life, new lovers even and he won't even remember Raul. Maybe he could start forgetting to return calls, cancel meetings at the last minute because he's too tired, stop dropping into training sessions because of his less flexible post-playing schedule or even take himself off on an indefinite holiday.
He quickly stops himself, realising that if he was to do that he would just be avoiding the issue and looking down at his precious gitano he realised he didn't want to fill him with the false hope that one day he would walk back through the door and into his life. He didn't want the dull ache of guilt to follow him round knowing that Sergio was waiting for him, and it was fairer to both of them to just get it over with quickly, finally.
It would be just like taking off a plaster, he reasoned, you know it is going to hurt but if you rip it off quickly you get one sharp stab of pain but after the initial shock and upset has subsided, life goes on and the pain subsides. Sergio would soon forget about him, the pain he caused and will be busy living his own life. In the end he knew that Sergio had survived without him in the past and he knew that, while it will be hard, he would survive without him again in the future.
For now he just holds the sleeping boy close, careful not to wake him, wanting to let him sleep peacefully for even just few more moments because deep down in his heart he knows that none of it will last forever.