the past 24 hours...
It's funny how so much can happen in a day. And in so many different ways.
Today was a busy day, but not in terms of activities. Reflection mostly. It started last night with me sobbing in bed, trying to hold on to a feeling that must soon be recorded in the ever growing bank of memories and left for the past. I couldn't lie in fetal position with out breaking into tears. I think I finally fell asleep on my back, utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. Sometimes you just need to feel things through.
And today took me back to before last semester, before that *era* of my life, seeing Ariana again, in the car with her and Heather, like old times... kind of. Except that she was telling us about France and we were telling us about our semester and as we drove the two hours up to Luke's to wish him happy birthday, we all realized how much things had changed. Ariana solidified it with her surprise, as she asked us about person after person and we simply couldn't say how they were doing. How their semester had gone. Because we hadn't seen them.
Once at Lukes, the familiarity of our trip last year -- also with the three of us -- hit me hard as I realized what a different space we'd all been in last year this time, walking around Luke's property. He was still in love with heather. We had all been hanging out every day the semester before. And we spent the day, feeling the warm and inviting vibe of his home (and mother's cooking). This time it was short and slightly distant, as heather argued with her dad on the phone, we broke up into small groups to chat, and then headed for a quick bite of Mexican and said a casual goodbye to Luke and Emnet, even though it may be the last time we see them until next fall, when we all return from abroad.
On the way home, moods lifted, a good radio station was found, and it could have been just like old times, the three of us heading back to Ariana's, singing along in the car, joking and laughing. It didn't feel like we hadn't seen each other for three months. It felt like we'd never left. Like the semester was just a wrinkle that, if unzipped, might reveal a whole universe beyond it... but as it was, nothing much had changed. Except that it had.
In the car, leaving Ariana's, heather and I finally had the chance to talk some, since we left each other in a frazzled state back in Portland, each in her own world. And with us, too, it was *finally* back to normal. To heather and melia, the best friends who know each other all to well, who can laugh and embarrass themselves while drinking milkshakes, who can reflect on changes and growth and appreciate the beauty in each other's lives. We're always amazed at what we get through. And how we always end up okay in the end. We always find our way back to each other. Our friendship truly blows my mind sometimes.
And then, on the way home, listening to Alice (which I'm appreciating so much now that I'm lacking an iPod broadcaster), the evening requests come in and it's "Jason" requesting the Gorillaz' Feel Good Inc. How appropriate. I could smile, though, and enjoy the song and the memory of driving down the Embarcadero on our way to $6 parking and Warf clam chowder. And it kind of jolted me back into a weird "now" space, the trasitory stage of old times and new times and things about to begin.
As it is, i'm mucho tired and tomorrow I have the huge task of unpacking, laundrying, beginning to realize how close christmas is and doing something about that, planning the next couple weeks, figuring out everything I have to do and everyone I want to see... good lord. I better get some good sleep tonight and wake up motivated and ready to go.
Today was a busy day, but not in terms of activities. Reflection mostly. It started last night with me sobbing in bed, trying to hold on to a feeling that must soon be recorded in the ever growing bank of memories and left for the past. I couldn't lie in fetal position with out breaking into tears. I think I finally fell asleep on my back, utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. Sometimes you just need to feel things through.
And today took me back to before last semester, before that *era* of my life, seeing Ariana again, in the car with her and Heather, like old times... kind of. Except that she was telling us about France and we were telling us about our semester and as we drove the two hours up to Luke's to wish him happy birthday, we all realized how much things had changed. Ariana solidified it with her surprise, as she asked us about person after person and we simply couldn't say how they were doing. How their semester had gone. Because we hadn't seen them.
Once at Lukes, the familiarity of our trip last year -- also with the three of us -- hit me hard as I realized what a different space we'd all been in last year this time, walking around Luke's property. He was still in love with heather. We had all been hanging out every day the semester before. And we spent the day, feeling the warm and inviting vibe of his home (and mother's cooking). This time it was short and slightly distant, as heather argued with her dad on the phone, we broke up into small groups to chat, and then headed for a quick bite of Mexican and said a casual goodbye to Luke and Emnet, even though it may be the last time we see them until next fall, when we all return from abroad.
On the way home, moods lifted, a good radio station was found, and it could have been just like old times, the three of us heading back to Ariana's, singing along in the car, joking and laughing. It didn't feel like we hadn't seen each other for three months. It felt like we'd never left. Like the semester was just a wrinkle that, if unzipped, might reveal a whole universe beyond it... but as it was, nothing much had changed. Except that it had.
In the car, leaving Ariana's, heather and I finally had the chance to talk some, since we left each other in a frazzled state back in Portland, each in her own world. And with us, too, it was *finally* back to normal. To heather and melia, the best friends who know each other all to well, who can laugh and embarrass themselves while drinking milkshakes, who can reflect on changes and growth and appreciate the beauty in each other's lives. We're always amazed at what we get through. And how we always end up okay in the end. We always find our way back to each other. Our friendship truly blows my mind sometimes.
And then, on the way home, listening to Alice (which I'm appreciating so much now that I'm lacking an iPod broadcaster), the evening requests come in and it's "Jason" requesting the Gorillaz' Feel Good Inc. How appropriate. I could smile, though, and enjoy the song and the memory of driving down the Embarcadero on our way to $6 parking and Warf clam chowder. And it kind of jolted me back into a weird "now" space, the trasitory stage of old times and new times and things about to begin.
As it is, i'm mucho tired and tomorrow I have the huge task of unpacking, laundrying, beginning to realize how close christmas is and doing something about that, planning the next couple weeks, figuring out everything I have to do and everyone I want to see... good lord. I better get some good sleep tonight and wake up motivated and ready to go.