its too late to apologize.
this is a rant. you dont have to bother reading it because its probably repetitive for some. but i just need somewhere to let go of all this im feeling and this is the best place for it. im so tired of thinking i find these great guys and actually start to like them and trust them and then have them go behind my back and pretty much rip me apart. tell me everything i want to hear for like a month and then stop talking to me and go running back to your gf. like WTF is going threw your head. like do i really deserve that? after EVERYTHING ive been going threw with my life since highschool its like all i deserve is to be hurt and sad. and im so tired of it. ive been single since October. thats a relaly long time for me, and im trying so hard to not look for a reltionship but im just so lonely. and it sucks. like i have the best friends in the world but its more than that. i need more than just a best friend right now. i would love to be in a great relationship because all relatipnships ive ever been in have sucked and have hurt me so much and i know that if i have to go threw another bad relationship i wont be able to come out strong. i know i wont;. ive been so strong threw everything and tried so hard to always put a smile on my face but i just cant do that anymore. i cant face life in that way anymore.
even tho my relationship with mike was pretty much all fake i still put my entire heart and soul into him and he was my best friend and a guy i put all my trust into and i really miss him. and i know i shouldnt because he was an asshole to me, but to me he was so much more. and i know people hate me for still being like this with him but i saw him in a whole different way then everyone else. and i know he broke my heart and lied but i dunno he is going to be someone i will probably always really like and really love. and i cant just drop that. i wish that our relationship was ten times more different because i really think if it had been different we would be ok and we would probably still be together. he was the one guy i always felt comfortable telling my secrets to him and know that he wasnt going to judge me. i never ever felt that way with a guy because of wat has happened with past relationships and i have never ever felt that way with guys. i sometimes think the guy mike told me he was, was my soulmate. and he isnt real. he never was. and i just wish on every shooting star and every wishbone that he was. because he is who i want to be with the rest of my life. and i know he will never be real because its just not possible. and it kills me everyday to wake up and think that he made everything up and i believed him and i was stupid. but i was completely and utterly in love with someone that doesnt even fucking exist. it makes me feel so stupid, and so vulnerable its ridiculous.
i look at other girls i know and i just wonder. how did they get boyfriends and im sitting here crying my eyes out because thats the one thing i want but i really dont think im ever going to get. and i know everyone tells me its going to happen and hey maybe it will but i sometimes just really think that im going to grow old by myself. and in a sense im ok with it. because im alone now. well i have my best friends but thats about it. and im surviving. barely but i am. and i think i can do it for a long time. i dont think i can for the rest of my life. but i can sure try. and i pray every night that i will find that guy that is going to complete me. that is going to make me so happy that my face hurts from smiling so much. because i know i deserve that. but i dont control my fate. and that scares the shit outta me. because i have no idea where my life is going to end up. whos going to be in it. who is going to be out of it. its just scary. and i hope i get wat i want. and wat i really deserve. but i guess i have to see.
even tho my relationship with mike was pretty much all fake i still put my entire heart and soul into him and he was my best friend and a guy i put all my trust into and i really miss him. and i know i shouldnt because he was an asshole to me, but to me he was so much more. and i know people hate me for still being like this with him but i saw him in a whole different way then everyone else. and i know he broke my heart and lied but i dunno he is going to be someone i will probably always really like and really love. and i cant just drop that. i wish that our relationship was ten times more different because i really think if it had been different we would be ok and we would probably still be together. he was the one guy i always felt comfortable telling my secrets to him and know that he wasnt going to judge me. i never ever felt that way with a guy because of wat has happened with past relationships and i have never ever felt that way with guys. i sometimes think the guy mike told me he was, was my soulmate. and he isnt real. he never was. and i just wish on every shooting star and every wishbone that he was. because he is who i want to be with the rest of my life. and i know he will never be real because its just not possible. and it kills me everyday to wake up and think that he made everything up and i believed him and i was stupid. but i was completely and utterly in love with someone that doesnt even fucking exist. it makes me feel so stupid, and so vulnerable its ridiculous.
i look at other girls i know and i just wonder. how did they get boyfriends and im sitting here crying my eyes out because thats the one thing i want but i really dont think im ever going to get. and i know everyone tells me its going to happen and hey maybe it will but i sometimes just really think that im going to grow old by myself. and in a sense im ok with it. because im alone now. well i have my best friends but thats about it. and im surviving. barely but i am. and i think i can do it for a long time. i dont think i can for the rest of my life. but i can sure try. and i pray every night that i will find that guy that is going to complete me. that is going to make me so happy that my face hurts from smiling so much. because i know i deserve that. but i dont control my fate. and that scares the shit outta me. because i have no idea where my life is going to end up. whos going to be in it. who is going to be out of it. its just scary. and i hope i get wat i want. and wat i really deserve. but i guess i have to see.