Time to take a step back and apologize....
This is me, taking a step back.... I know you guys don't want to put up with the things I do. I tend to bring drama everywhere I go. I don't have any confidence in myself or the things that I do. As someone told me, I'm "immature and irresponsible." and though they said this through a text message, I understand it to be true. And for a while, I definately thought I had matured and gotten out of that phase... In some ways I have. In other ways, things have stayed the same. I chose to blame it on the situations at my house, or with my friends, or whatever. The truth is, I am my own person. I am 18 years old, and I am who I am. Though I haven't truly discovered who I really am yet. I have to be responsible for my own actions, because if I'm not, then who is? I can't sit back and blame the world for my mistakes. I can't sit back and take it all in and then act as if I had nothing to do with it. I am an adult. I have wised up to a lot of things these past few weeks, when my life has gone up and down, up and down, and then up and down yet again. I don't want to lose people. Lord knows that I can't survive on my own. Without you all, I don't know what I would do. To be perfectly honest, I would probably be dead. There are actually a few people I know who wouldn't mind if my attempt in 2002 had worked. Well to those who wish me dead. FUCK YOU! but I used to agree with you. For the longest time after my suicide attempt I couldn't help but wish that it had worked. I didn't want to exist, and sometimes these days, I still don't want to. But I'm feeling the need to apologize to some people for the shit that I have put them through....
Brenton~ Words can no longer express what you mean to me. If you need an insight of my feelings, please please read the previous journal entry, titled, "Brenton...." I'm more than sorry for the drama I brought into your life back in August of 2003, and then continued to bring into your life from then on out. You have pulled me out of so many holes that I would have just buried myself in. I have undying gratitude. ~Always and Forever~
Christine~ I'm so happy that you and I have become good friends. Lately you have been one of few people I have turned to. I want to apologize for any drama that was brought into the group when I arrived. I don't want to make your life, or anyone elses harder. *hugs* you're my number one dork!
Drew~ Wow! Can you believe it's been so long since everything happened? I'm sorry for all of the stress I caused you and Lee after you and I parted.... You deserve to be happy and I'm glad you are.
Sasha~ You are my savior. Plain and simple. I'm sorry that the drama in my life has brought you down. My problems are my problems and I would never want you to feel like any of them were your fault. I don't want to put you through that. Life is hectic enough sweet heart. I'm sorry for making it worse......
Luda~ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! brush that shit off! right? playa playa! You, my dear friend are one of the most amazing individuals I have ever met... Keep your head held high, and don't let me pull you down like I have. The last thing I want is for your world to come crashing down, and for me to be standing at the bottom of the chaos, saying "whoops"
ANYONE AT THE PORCH!!!! Please don't let me bring you down or make things harder in your life.....I don't want to be the cause of anyones problems anymore.....
Message to all those who care. Please do NOT let my drama pull you down. That's the last thing that I want. I will work on it I promise you.
Wow, this has made me realize how much of a pain I have been to people..... I'm truly sorry to all of you.