late night upskies
Well this is like the 3rd night in a row I am awake at this hour
I dont forsee any sleep in the near future
A mix of these new medications to keep my gallbladder in check tweeking me out (my new word, tweeking)
and the fact that i am really hurt by my mom caring so much about russ's grad party
when she didnt even want to have one for me, I wasnt worth it, I didnt deserve it
is chasing sleep from me.
(my left armpit feels funny)
Josh did somthing that made me really smile today
He was supposed to stay home with his neice and play board games, somthing that had just popped up
but he had also promised me he'd come over,plans that we'd had for a while
and i told him to stay home with his neice, because you know,im 20 and she's 10, and I can get over it, and im not going to steal my freind away from a little girl
and he said ok
and then i get a phone call 10 mins later
"im on my way over"
I dont think anyone would understand,
but that made me really happy.
Idk
I just have this brooding feeling of sadness i cant seem to give the shakes
I look at the people i am closest too
and i realize that no one can really understand me
they do thier best, they be the best frinds that they can be
but its not the same as dominique
and I know this is old news
but the one person who could completley,fully and brutally understand me refuses to talk to me
I could call her at 3am,
doing the usual "I am dying of *** (insert disease of the week here)" sobbing in tears
and she was the only one who could convince me that i wasnt
she was the only one who cared enough to allways be there for me
and its not that other people arnt
but i know that with dom there was no, annoyance
her benefit was no burden to me.
and its just not the same
I feel like i am betraying her memory, the memory of the old dom, not this new one,
by asking others for assistance in that area
she allways trusted me
pushed me, because she had faith in me to do anything
even if i couldnt
she allways belived i could:
get any guy i wanted
do anything with my life
learn to control my panic dissorder
and we all know that these things are not true
but she believed them!
and i needed that
it helped me so much
and i miss it so much
and i dont understand how she could be so bitter
over somthing of which i dont even know i did
i still have no clue as to why she's hated me for over a year now
although i think it has somthing to do with me respecting her too much to tell her that charlie is a decent guy
because he isnt
he's a child molesting crack head
and i feel sorry for thier daughter to have to be raised in a home with that sorry exuse for a human being lurking around
charlie killed dominique
and left everonye with this new bastardizational form of her (is bastardizational a word?!?)
mocking her memory to everyone who knew her
this new dom is hollow
subdude
disgusting
just a shadow of the person she was before
and i miss dom so much
there's no closure
we've never faught
we've just decided to forget all about each other
which is 100x worse that fighting
and I went though old pics of russ and i when we were younger
I used to be so pretty
and i had so much potential
if i had known i'd be facing surgery because i am so disgustinly fat and unhealthy then
...
that i'd end up so unwanted and poked fun at
I feel like one big joke
one big fat, worthless joke
yes, thats right
i am just a bundle of joy tonight
i think its just the meds
i hope its just the meds
I dont forsee any sleep in the near future
A mix of these new medications to keep my gallbladder in check tweeking me out (my new word, tweeking)
and the fact that i am really hurt by my mom caring so much about russ's grad party
when she didnt even want to have one for me, I wasnt worth it, I didnt deserve it
is chasing sleep from me.
(my left armpit feels funny)
Josh did somthing that made me really smile today
He was supposed to stay home with his neice and play board games, somthing that had just popped up
but he had also promised me he'd come over,plans that we'd had for a while
and i told him to stay home with his neice, because you know,im 20 and she's 10, and I can get over it, and im not going to steal my freind away from a little girl
and he said ok
and then i get a phone call 10 mins later
"im on my way over"
I dont think anyone would understand,
but that made me really happy.
Idk
I just have this brooding feeling of sadness i cant seem to give the shakes
I look at the people i am closest too
and i realize that no one can really understand me
they do thier best, they be the best frinds that they can be
but its not the same as dominique
and I know this is old news
but the one person who could completley,fully and brutally understand me refuses to talk to me
I could call her at 3am,
doing the usual "I am dying of *** (insert disease of the week here)" sobbing in tears
and she was the only one who could convince me that i wasnt
she was the only one who cared enough to allways be there for me
and its not that other people arnt
but i know that with dom there was no, annoyance
her benefit was no burden to me.
and its just not the same
I feel like i am betraying her memory, the memory of the old dom, not this new one,
by asking others for assistance in that area
she allways trusted me
pushed me, because she had faith in me to do anything
even if i couldnt
she allways belived i could:
get any guy i wanted
do anything with my life
learn to control my panic dissorder
and we all know that these things are not true
but she believed them!
and i needed that
it helped me so much
and i miss it so much
and i dont understand how she could be so bitter
over somthing of which i dont even know i did
i still have no clue as to why she's hated me for over a year now
although i think it has somthing to do with me respecting her too much to tell her that charlie is a decent guy
because he isnt
he's a child molesting crack head
and i feel sorry for thier daughter to have to be raised in a home with that sorry exuse for a human being lurking around
charlie killed dominique
and left everonye with this new bastardizational form of her (is bastardizational a word?!?)
mocking her memory to everyone who knew her
this new dom is hollow
subdude
disgusting
just a shadow of the person she was before
and i miss dom so much
there's no closure
we've never faught
we've just decided to forget all about each other
which is 100x worse that fighting
and I went though old pics of russ and i when we were younger
I used to be so pretty
and i had so much potential
if i had known i'd be facing surgery because i am so disgustinly fat and unhealthy then
...
that i'd end up so unwanted and poked fun at
I feel like one big joke
one big fat, worthless joke
yes, thats right
i am just a bundle of joy tonight
i think its just the meds
i hope its just the meds