(no subject)
IJ-
First of all, I love you more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life. I dont know how it happened, or how we've gotten through all of the bullshit, but it did, and its really hard to just push an emotion like that away. When we first met, I had no idea that you would be such a giant piece of my puzzle. I started seeing you more often, finally one day it happened.
I was shopping with my sister, it was summer time. I was wearing a dress and we had walked out of the black label. You were across a busy street drawing on the sidewalk outfront of your friends shoe store with massive orange, black, and white grafitti letters. Even though I didn't even realize who you were, you still caught my eye from across a busy intersection. I got really nervous and started taking deep breaths. I was trying to face my fear of having missing an oppertunity for a new friend and actually talk to you. As I crossed the street, dodging vehicles and bicycles I gripped onto my bag so tight that I thought I might bust a vein. Nearly seconds before approaching you, I gave myself a mental pep talk to calm my nerves. Then, it happened. One of the most important times of my life, and I didn't even realize it to that extremity.
The thought of the early days makes me want to kiss you, hard. It makes me want to hold onto you and keep you close to my soul. It makes me want to chop these roots that keep me grounded and float away. It makes me want to cry.
This letter is not being written out of fear of hurting you, or freaking you out. Its written in 100% pure honesty. It is not my intention to hurt you, or myself. I am not hurting. Only sorting and figuring things out.
Lately, I've been thinking alot. Enough to give myself massive throbbing headaches and puffy eyes. I really dont mean to pick fights with you. I dont mean to bring guilt, hatered, anger or remorse through my "wrath". Its just so hard to figure things out sometimes. One thing that I have a huge, hard time figuring out is how we work. I notice that there have been times where we have both done wrong and childish things. But we always seem to get over it. (but then it always happens again). It isnt just me, and it isnt just you. Its both of us, equally. Have we stretched ourselves too thin? Have I stretched myself too thin? Have you? Do you feel as trapped as I do in my own mind?
I love our differences. I love our similarities. I really love everything about you much more than you could ever imagine. I think you are a wonderful person with drive, sucess, looks and abilities that most people haven't recieved the gift of having. I think that you are too hard on yourself. But I think that's also the way that you like it. Rough.
When I hear you speak of old flings "blowing up in your face" I always think "am I next in line?" or is it being set up to delf destruct? Do we need a break? Do we need to end things? Do we need to set eachother free? I dont know. I love you Ishmael, but when I hear that hesitation in your voice to say it to me, or when you dont stop me while im about to leave I question if you feel it as intensly if you do, and if thats whats de-railing, then I think its something that we should really talk about. Because im kicking and screaming and fighting like hell to try to keep the fire kindled between us, and I hope that you are okay with that. I just dont need a one sided thing. Sometimes I think you hate me deep down. Everything about me. And other times, I feel like you think that this whole ordeal is a waste of time.
I am terribly insecure and a self critique, you should know this. But I am not a child, and I can handle the critisim without losing my shit.
If you think that I am completley wrong, let me know. Put me in my place, please. I will no longer try and pry into your mind. my key doesnt fit the lock, but was never granted access in the first place. I love you so much as my friend, and my partner. You have helped in making me feel somewhat like a human again. I really really really just want to be stable. I was "us" to be stable. I want you to think that im interesting. I dont want for you to draw blanks when you think about me. I just care too much sometimes.
Please dont take this as a threat, or as I want to break up because its not that in the least bit. I just think that this is something that we need to talk about. I need to know if we as physical human beings were destine to walk next to eachother, or alone. Who's happy, who's not.
I really cant even push myself to artistically express myself through my music anymore because I will not hurt you and I will not take out my frusteration though it. I'm sorry if this all makes me sound like a really shitty person. I just need YOU to be as comfortable as possible. I also never want to fight with you again. I want to be a part of you. I need you.
I'm sorry this is so long and somewhat bipolar. You just make me feel whole.
M
First of all, I love you more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life. I dont know how it happened, or how we've gotten through all of the bullshit, but it did, and its really hard to just push an emotion like that away. When we first met, I had no idea that you would be such a giant piece of my puzzle. I started seeing you more often, finally one day it happened.
I was shopping with my sister, it was summer time. I was wearing a dress and we had walked out of the black label. You were across a busy street drawing on the sidewalk outfront of your friends shoe store with massive orange, black, and white grafitti letters. Even though I didn't even realize who you were, you still caught my eye from across a busy intersection. I got really nervous and started taking deep breaths. I was trying to face my fear of having missing an oppertunity for a new friend and actually talk to you. As I crossed the street, dodging vehicles and bicycles I gripped onto my bag so tight that I thought I might bust a vein. Nearly seconds before approaching you, I gave myself a mental pep talk to calm my nerves. Then, it happened. One of the most important times of my life, and I didn't even realize it to that extremity.
The thought of the early days makes me want to kiss you, hard. It makes me want to hold onto you and keep you close to my soul. It makes me want to chop these roots that keep me grounded and float away. It makes me want to cry.
This letter is not being written out of fear of hurting you, or freaking you out. Its written in 100% pure honesty. It is not my intention to hurt you, or myself. I am not hurting. Only sorting and figuring things out.
Lately, I've been thinking alot. Enough to give myself massive throbbing headaches and puffy eyes. I really dont mean to pick fights with you. I dont mean to bring guilt, hatered, anger or remorse through my "wrath". Its just so hard to figure things out sometimes. One thing that I have a huge, hard time figuring out is how we work. I notice that there have been times where we have both done wrong and childish things. But we always seem to get over it. (but then it always happens again). It isnt just me, and it isnt just you. Its both of us, equally. Have we stretched ourselves too thin? Have I stretched myself too thin? Have you? Do you feel as trapped as I do in my own mind?
I love our differences. I love our similarities. I really love everything about you much more than you could ever imagine. I think you are a wonderful person with drive, sucess, looks and abilities that most people haven't recieved the gift of having. I think that you are too hard on yourself. But I think that's also the way that you like it. Rough.
When I hear you speak of old flings "blowing up in your face" I always think "am I next in line?" or is it being set up to delf destruct? Do we need a break? Do we need to end things? Do we need to set eachother free? I dont know. I love you Ishmael, but when I hear that hesitation in your voice to say it to me, or when you dont stop me while im about to leave I question if you feel it as intensly if you do, and if thats whats de-railing, then I think its something that we should really talk about. Because im kicking and screaming and fighting like hell to try to keep the fire kindled between us, and I hope that you are okay with that. I just dont need a one sided thing. Sometimes I think you hate me deep down. Everything about me. And other times, I feel like you think that this whole ordeal is a waste of time.
I am terribly insecure and a self critique, you should know this. But I am not a child, and I can handle the critisim without losing my shit.
If you think that I am completley wrong, let me know. Put me in my place, please. I will no longer try and pry into your mind. my key doesnt fit the lock, but was never granted access in the first place. I love you so much as my friend, and my partner. You have helped in making me feel somewhat like a human again. I really really really just want to be stable. I was "us" to be stable. I want you to think that im interesting. I dont want for you to draw blanks when you think about me. I just care too much sometimes.
Please dont take this as a threat, or as I want to break up because its not that in the least bit. I just think that this is something that we need to talk about. I need to know if we as physical human beings were destine to walk next to eachother, or alone. Who's happy, who's not.
I really cant even push myself to artistically express myself through my music anymore because I will not hurt you and I will not take out my frusteration though it. I'm sorry if this all makes me sound like a really shitty person. I just need YOU to be as comfortable as possible. I also never want to fight with you again. I want to be a part of you. I need you.
I'm sorry this is so long and somewhat bipolar. You just make me feel whole.
M