bubble bursting
so today was really fun. bill was great and it was really nice to hang out with marina. i dont see her that much so it was great.
everything else today was pretty good. i spent like half an hour at ashleys house and it was awesome too. its great to talk to people and really connect. after all high is school is coming to an end and i really want to enjoy the people since the actual learning has completely gone to shit. ashley invited me to stay for dinner but I wanted to go home. i really only eat out or food from outside my house on the weekend. and even then ill probably only go out once. i guess eating at home helps to keep everything stable. ive been getting more picky so i guarantee more or less that ill have something i like. thats probably a load of crap. the reason i dont eat out is probably my mom.
i think ive been on a diet or been trying to lose weight or at least thinking about it since i was about 5. ive never thought of myslef as skinny or even normal. always overweight or even just chubby. that was even in the days i weighed less than 110 pounds, at the height of my dance competition stuff. i was the same height i am now. already through puberty. the thing is, i dont really remember what i looked like back then. in terms of my body. its not like today where i look in the mirror everyday and see everything. i wasnt worried about it. i miss that complacency.
i think it all started with asthma medication. when we were little all they had were steroids or corticosteroids along with benadryl. i spent most of my early childhood gaining weight from the steroids or zonked out from the allergy medicine. even with those things i still had to be nebulized more than once everyday and couldnt laugh or cry without having some serious issues. im very close to symptom free right now but ive been practicing restrictive eating since then.
so my mom has always bothered me about my weight to the point where she cries and prays that ill lose weight. if i want to make a change i want it to be for me. not for anyone else. i try to ignore what she says sometimes even when it really hurts. im proud enough that i wont let her see me cry. whenever i try to confront her about it and tell her that she needs to stop, she gets defensive. she tells me what a difficult life she had and that she had no one to give her advice, no one watching out for her. she tells me im lucky and that im accusing her of being a bad mother. she gets hysterical sometimes and then says shell never talk to me about it ever again. a few days later she starts again. its always the same.
yesterday she was telling me about another lady we know who got a gastric bypass. she ate three desserts at every meal until she couldnt take it anymore and had the surgery. then she told me that i need to be careful so i wont get to that point. i told her do you really think im at the point where i need surgery. she looked at me and i swear to god she said well you might be close. i cant believe my own mother would tell me that. i ask myself if this is really happening. can she really be so insensitive? does she realize what she is saying? does she know how much it hurts me? i tried to quickly forget about it and went to see al gore. today i got home and she started again. she told me that i need to be careful because i might get diabetes. i had gotten home lik an hour before and was hungry. i had made a cup of tea and had a peice of toast. and she was looking at me like i was the worst thing that ever happened to her.
if she only knew. i think about every single thing i put into my mouth. i feel guilty about everything. think about how many calories im consuming. think about her dissapproving face. over the summer i had to get over the fact that i was scared of eating in front of other people. if she only knew that i wish i was never hungry again so she would leave me alone. the only reason i really eat sweets is to spite her.
everything else today was pretty good. i spent like half an hour at ashleys house and it was awesome too. its great to talk to people and really connect. after all high is school is coming to an end and i really want to enjoy the people since the actual learning has completely gone to shit. ashley invited me to stay for dinner but I wanted to go home. i really only eat out or food from outside my house on the weekend. and even then ill probably only go out once. i guess eating at home helps to keep everything stable. ive been getting more picky so i guarantee more or less that ill have something i like. thats probably a load of crap. the reason i dont eat out is probably my mom.
i think ive been on a diet or been trying to lose weight or at least thinking about it since i was about 5. ive never thought of myslef as skinny or even normal. always overweight or even just chubby. that was even in the days i weighed less than 110 pounds, at the height of my dance competition stuff. i was the same height i am now. already through puberty. the thing is, i dont really remember what i looked like back then. in terms of my body. its not like today where i look in the mirror everyday and see everything. i wasnt worried about it. i miss that complacency.
i think it all started with asthma medication. when we were little all they had were steroids or corticosteroids along with benadryl. i spent most of my early childhood gaining weight from the steroids or zonked out from the allergy medicine. even with those things i still had to be nebulized more than once everyday and couldnt laugh or cry without having some serious issues. im very close to symptom free right now but ive been practicing restrictive eating since then.
so my mom has always bothered me about my weight to the point where she cries and prays that ill lose weight. if i want to make a change i want it to be for me. not for anyone else. i try to ignore what she says sometimes even when it really hurts. im proud enough that i wont let her see me cry. whenever i try to confront her about it and tell her that she needs to stop, she gets defensive. she tells me what a difficult life she had and that she had no one to give her advice, no one watching out for her. she tells me im lucky and that im accusing her of being a bad mother. she gets hysterical sometimes and then says shell never talk to me about it ever again. a few days later she starts again. its always the same.
yesterday she was telling me about another lady we know who got a gastric bypass. she ate three desserts at every meal until she couldnt take it anymore and had the surgery. then she told me that i need to be careful so i wont get to that point. i told her do you really think im at the point where i need surgery. she looked at me and i swear to god she said well you might be close. i cant believe my own mother would tell me that. i ask myself if this is really happening. can she really be so insensitive? does she realize what she is saying? does she know how much it hurts me? i tried to quickly forget about it and went to see al gore. today i got home and she started again. she told me that i need to be careful because i might get diabetes. i had gotten home lik an hour before and was hungry. i had made a cup of tea and had a peice of toast. and she was looking at me like i was the worst thing that ever happened to her.
if she only knew. i think about every single thing i put into my mouth. i feel guilty about everything. think about how many calories im consuming. think about her dissapproving face. over the summer i had to get over the fact that i was scared of eating in front of other people. if she only knew that i wish i was never hungry again so she would leave me alone. the only reason i really eat sweets is to spite her.