Once again back again. Mostly rambling. Slight update for the past two years.
I'm an indecisive person. I am. Blame it on the Libra if you like, or genetics, but it's just generally how I get. I'm also easily distracted and have issues keeping up a habit till I do it a lot. And some habits that I want to get into (like writing my stories regually) can become such a pressured thing with people asking for updates that it can be really hard to keep going. I don't like pressure! Although I do make some good choices under pressure and I seem to cope under pressure pretty damn well. I just don't like it. I'm pretty stubborn about avoiding things I don't like and doing things that feel good.
That stubbornness could be blamed on the Taurus moon/Taurus ascending and the 'wood ox' in me. It could also be blamed on genetics. Both are pretty valid theories in my book.
And till recently I was also pretty insecure about who I was. Not that I didn't have an idea, I had a pretty good idea about it, but rather I felt insecure about being OPEN about who I was to the world. That could create conflicts and pressure that I wasn't sure I could cope with. It was like being a turtle too afraid to be out of the shell for more than a few peeks here and there. I wanted to see it was 'all clear' before I unwound myself and waddled forward to get on with life. As a person who's been 'larger' since I was about 9 I was just so overwhelmed and insecure with the judgement I was so used to getting all the time that I just was never really sure if I could handle more judgement.
I also tended to sabotage myself. All the time. I don't know if I was punishing myself, or if it was fear that prevented me from wanting to advance too much, but I would do it all the time and I still seem to do it a lot. It's frustrating and even more so, even after realizing this, to see I keep doing it.
Anyway, so that's my twenties. Summed up. The turtle who was afraid to come out and was too stubborn to stay inside the shell eternally.
It's weird because for a lot of people who've known me over the past ten years, or even longer, it probably seems like that I am about as slow as a turtle. I probably look as lazy as one as well. The progress isn't obvious- it's all mental, spiritual, the physical body is only now just starting to catch up. Even my Doctor still looks at me and sees the same person she saw five years ago.
I don't really agree with her.
In 2013, after being so unsure about what to do, I ended up writing. A hell of a lot. If anyone followed my link from Wattpad to here then you'd know that. In 2013 I wrote over a million words and burnt out slightly. (Yes- all those stories are still 'in progress' but you have to understand I don't want to write the same way I was. Because it was exhausting to write two or three stories at once, updating them with chapters sometimes all after writing the chapters on the same day, and it wore me out. I don't know if I can do that right now.) I also wrote for Fanfiction.net again.
When I write it's for my amusement. I crave to write! I share it because I love the idea of sharing that amusement with others! There's just something so awesome about witnessing these characters, who can write themselves, with other people. It sometimes feels as if I'm as much in the dark about how these stories will go as the people reading what I wrote.
So after that I decided on Christmas in 2013 that I needed to do more than writing. I loved writing but I was tired of not doing anything. So I applied to two courses and decided the one that I got was the one that I would do. It was either professional writing or visual art.
2014 I studied and successfully completed a Diploma of Visual Art. It's bizarre to admit but I have never been LESS indecisive than I was during that year. No laziness, not like people are used to me doing, this was full on turtle waddling as fast as she could, no time for shell hiding whatsoever. And boy did I do well! Not artwise, I don't mean that (whether I did well in that respect is really up to the viewer of the art), but effort. Fucking hell. I have to swear because I am still so amazed at myself! I didn't fail one module. Just burned my way through that course and came out of it with a high GPA and mostly high distinctions.
I made the right choice. I love writing. I love it as much as any art, as any book, as any piece of chocolate, but I don't love 'professional writing' which is all about super anal editing, logic, highbrow lit. I can't stand any of that. Editing... sure. Logic... useful tool. Only I just want to write. I don't need a course to make the words come. I just want to write and sometime I'd love to publish a book. Hopefully someone who WAS patient enough in Professional Writing and Editing can help me edit and polish it up professionally. I have incredible respect for people who are of the mindset to take that area of writing on and excel at it. That's not me.
So last year I decided I wouldn't do writing but I would continue on with art. I applied to several different Universities. Long story short I am now in the Bachelor of Fine Art (Sculpture and Spacial Practice) with RMIT for 2015. It's been my dream to study Fine Art since high school and now I'm doing it! How awesome is that? I can incorporate music, digital art, story telling, everything I love into art and it will all mesh together!
My indecisive nature hasn't really gone away. lol I'm still trying to decide between electives for the second semester and that's going to take a few more weeks probably. Only that's it. That's where I am now. This turtle bovine Libra mix is resting half out of her shell for another year of fast waddling.
That stubbornness could be blamed on the Taurus moon/Taurus ascending and the 'wood ox' in me. It could also be blamed on genetics. Both are pretty valid theories in my book.
And till recently I was also pretty insecure about who I was. Not that I didn't have an idea, I had a pretty good idea about it, but rather I felt insecure about being OPEN about who I was to the world. That could create conflicts and pressure that I wasn't sure I could cope with. It was like being a turtle too afraid to be out of the shell for more than a few peeks here and there. I wanted to see it was 'all clear' before I unwound myself and waddled forward to get on with life. As a person who's been 'larger' since I was about 9 I was just so overwhelmed and insecure with the judgement I was so used to getting all the time that I just was never really sure if I could handle more judgement.
I also tended to sabotage myself. All the time. I don't know if I was punishing myself, or if it was fear that prevented me from wanting to advance too much, but I would do it all the time and I still seem to do it a lot. It's frustrating and even more so, even after realizing this, to see I keep doing it.
Anyway, so that's my twenties. Summed up. The turtle who was afraid to come out and was too stubborn to stay inside the shell eternally.
It's weird because for a lot of people who've known me over the past ten years, or even longer, it probably seems like that I am about as slow as a turtle. I probably look as lazy as one as well. The progress isn't obvious- it's all mental, spiritual, the physical body is only now just starting to catch up. Even my Doctor still looks at me and sees the same person she saw five years ago.
I don't really agree with her.
In 2013, after being so unsure about what to do, I ended up writing. A hell of a lot. If anyone followed my link from Wattpad to here then you'd know that. In 2013 I wrote over a million words and burnt out slightly. (Yes- all those stories are still 'in progress' but you have to understand I don't want to write the same way I was. Because it was exhausting to write two or three stories at once, updating them with chapters sometimes all after writing the chapters on the same day, and it wore me out. I don't know if I can do that right now.) I also wrote for Fanfiction.net again.
When I write it's for my amusement. I crave to write! I share it because I love the idea of sharing that amusement with others! There's just something so awesome about witnessing these characters, who can write themselves, with other people. It sometimes feels as if I'm as much in the dark about how these stories will go as the people reading what I wrote.
So after that I decided on Christmas in 2013 that I needed to do more than writing. I loved writing but I was tired of not doing anything. So I applied to two courses and decided the one that I got was the one that I would do. It was either professional writing or visual art.
2014 I studied and successfully completed a Diploma of Visual Art. It's bizarre to admit but I have never been LESS indecisive than I was during that year. No laziness, not like people are used to me doing, this was full on turtle waddling as fast as she could, no time for shell hiding whatsoever. And boy did I do well! Not artwise, I don't mean that (whether I did well in that respect is really up to the viewer of the art), but effort. Fucking hell. I have to swear because I am still so amazed at myself! I didn't fail one module. Just burned my way through that course and came out of it with a high GPA and mostly high distinctions.
I made the right choice. I love writing. I love it as much as any art, as any book, as any piece of chocolate, but I don't love 'professional writing' which is all about super anal editing, logic, highbrow lit. I can't stand any of that. Editing... sure. Logic... useful tool. Only I just want to write. I don't need a course to make the words come. I just want to write and sometime I'd love to publish a book. Hopefully someone who WAS patient enough in Professional Writing and Editing can help me edit and polish it up professionally. I have incredible respect for people who are of the mindset to take that area of writing on and excel at it. That's not me.
So last year I decided I wouldn't do writing but I would continue on with art. I applied to several different Universities. Long story short I am now in the Bachelor of Fine Art (Sculpture and Spacial Practice) with RMIT for 2015. It's been my dream to study Fine Art since high school and now I'm doing it! How awesome is that? I can incorporate music, digital art, story telling, everything I love into art and it will all mesh together!
My indecisive nature hasn't really gone away. lol I'm still trying to decide between electives for the second semester and that's going to take a few more weeks probably. Only that's it. That's where I am now. This turtle bovine Libra mix is resting half out of her shell for another year of fast waddling.