Breastfeeding is making me crazy.
I'm kind of feeling like a failure right now, and I just need to let it out and maybe get some advice. Ugh.
Firstly, I'm so freaking pissed off. I went into this whole breastfeeding this knowing what I did and did not want, but I feel ike everytime I turn around, somethig else goes wrong. For example, when Evan was born...because he was so large his blood sugar was really low and because I had the C-Section and was still being stiched up, they fed him formula. Actually, they let Danny feed him formula. Granted, he didn't know any better. Still. I feel like that messed things up right from the beginning.
After I was finally able to nurse my baby, we got the hang of it right away and we did really well for the first 2 days. Except that he wanted to eat all night, so I asked one of the doctors if that was normal and she told me that some babies have a big-time desire to suck, and that I needed to give him a pacifier. I kept asking her if that would mess up our breastfeeding relationship, and she told me that it absolutely wouldn't. Well. She lied.
By the third day, he had lost just 8% of his body weight, and the nurses started pressuring me to supplement with formula. I kept trying to fight them about it, but finally they broke me down and we gave me small amounts of formula after his regular feedings. Then we finally get to see the pediatrician and she told me not to supplement, that he has just lost that much weight because he is a huge baby and my body couldn't possibly produce that much milk that fast for him to maintain his tubby-ness.
Also on the third day, the lactation specialist came by our room to check on us. She showed me a couple of new positions to feed him in, but after she left I couldn't get him back into them no matter how hard Danny and I tried. Ugh. Also, my right breast was shapped so that he couldn't get a propper latch, so she told me to just pump that side for a few days until things evened out and then I'd be able to nurse him on that side.
Then we came home on Frday, and every feeding just got harder and harder. We'd start out doing really well, but then he wouldn't keep his latch. I couldn't ever get him to latch back onto my right side. Most feedings would end in both of us crying and me feeling so stressed out that I could scream. Also, he sucked this huge blister on my left side during his first couple of days and it was yet to go away. Everytime I put him to breast, it feels like..I can't even freaking describe it. It hurts and it hurts really badly.
I've been pumping every two hours and feeding him through a bottle. He hasn't had formula since we've been home. No matter how hard I try, no matter what position I put him in, I cannot get him to latch for longer than 2 minutes. He doesn't want the breast at this point, which makes me really upset. He was such a good nurser!! I just feel like everything has been ruined and I'm a terrible mom.
I've tried so so so hard. I just don't know what to do to get him back to breast...and then my whole family keeps trying to get me to just give up and give him formula. I just want this SO BADLY for him. I know it's the best thing for him. The stress is really starting to get to me. I've had this awful stress headache for the last two days and I can't concentrate most of the time.
I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I plan on calling the lactation lady on Tuesday, but she's been super busy (there were like 20-something babies in the hospital when Evan was!) and I don't know if I'll be able to get in to see her on Tuesday. I'm going to keep pumping and give him that.
I'm losing my mind.