hurdles
life is full of hurdles that we have to jump over! but why do we have to lose people. First it is morgan my best friend from high school. who next? why does she no longer care. why does she now have no interest in talking to me. has marika become her best friend? why? why was i replaced? i miss her! it hurts so bad!
but mostly......
I miss my dad, i miss the way he laughed, his voice, the way he would eat our ice cream, and the good food. the way he would take us out to dinner, or buy us gifts randomly. i hate the fact that my dad will never walk me down the aisle, see me get my majority degree from rainbow, see me graduate and become his lil nurse. i hate that he didn't get to see me get into usf, or see me turn 18 watch my thesis presentation and see me graduate. i hate that i don't get to hear his voice on the phone anymore. i hate that i don't get to hear him say that he loves his lil beautiful girl.
i hate watching my mom have to start all over, and that she doesn't have the support that she used to from her partner. that she has no partner. i hate having to see her suffer. why the hell did he have to die. i don't care if it was almost two years ago! i miss him more and more everyday. i hate listening to my friends talk to their dads, or watching interactions between father and daughters.i will never have a father daughter dance again. i don't ever get to call home and hear his voice answer the phone, i hate that i can't call to say when i will be home, or just to call. i miss him so much. i watch aaron my neighbor with his two daughters and i remember my dad giving me and les piggy back rides, and me sitting in my dads trash can, him playing airplane with me, us sitting on his stomach after a really big meal. him taking naps on the ground in the middle of the pathway. i miss fighting with him. i miss waking up in the middle of the night the sound of him eating popcorn or our ice cream. god i love him so much, at first i just pretended that he was on vacation and that the would be back. but now almost two years later my heart is breaking in half. i realize that i can't get close to people anymore cause i am afraid of losing them.my favorite memory of my dad and me was us in germany, he had come for the first time in ten years cause i was there, and i had gotten into a fight with my grandfather. and so my dad took me for a walk, he explained to me that that is just how my grandfather was, and that he did not even like my dad that much, it took him years to accept him. my dad told me that he loved me and that i was really special to him. my dad was sick then, but we didn't know why yet. before i left for germany was dad was still healthy. when i got back he was already pretty sick. i remember making him take me to at&t after he had just gotten back from chemo therapy. i had just gotten my license and i wanted a cell phone. i remember it being a huge line and my dad waiting patiently, him being in pain and me not wanting to leave cause was selfish and wanted the stupid cell phone, i remember thinking, god why does he have to be so tired all the time, what is wrong with him, and him just waiting for me for like an hour and a half. i was such a heartless bitch for making him wait! man! i remember waiting in the doctors for 4 hours, and him just sleeping so peacefully on the bed, and me curling up next to him. and me in the sotyome campus of memorial laying in bed with him, him with the oxygen tank running, him not talking not moving, not blinking, nothing. no movement came from him. all i remember is thinking why God why!?!?!?!?!? why are you taking my daddy away.why are you giving him so much pain. please let him die. and then i left for home, only to get the worst phone call in my life. my mom telling me he was taking his last breath. god i remember yelling at leslie to go faster, and yet i was laughing in the car, i was trying to be so brave. i remember bringing him home, sobbing in the car, i was a new driver and i told my mom to let me drive and she go with his body. i strained to see the road, but new i had to be brave, when morgan arrived we went to my room and laid on my bed, she just listened to me cry. i miss that! life was so different before he died. and i was so selfish! what is wrong with me?!?!??!
but mostly......
I miss my dad, i miss the way he laughed, his voice, the way he would eat our ice cream, and the good food. the way he would take us out to dinner, or buy us gifts randomly. i hate the fact that my dad will never walk me down the aisle, see me get my majority degree from rainbow, see me graduate and become his lil nurse. i hate that he didn't get to see me get into usf, or see me turn 18 watch my thesis presentation and see me graduate. i hate that i don't get to hear his voice on the phone anymore. i hate that i don't get to hear him say that he loves his lil beautiful girl.
i hate watching my mom have to start all over, and that she doesn't have the support that she used to from her partner. that she has no partner. i hate having to see her suffer. why the hell did he have to die. i don't care if it was almost two years ago! i miss him more and more everyday. i hate listening to my friends talk to their dads, or watching interactions between father and daughters.i will never have a father daughter dance again. i don't ever get to call home and hear his voice answer the phone, i hate that i can't call to say when i will be home, or just to call. i miss him so much. i watch aaron my neighbor with his two daughters and i remember my dad giving me and les piggy back rides, and me sitting in my dads trash can, him playing airplane with me, us sitting on his stomach after a really big meal. him taking naps on the ground in the middle of the pathway. i miss fighting with him. i miss waking up in the middle of the night the sound of him eating popcorn or our ice cream. god i love him so much, at first i just pretended that he was on vacation and that the would be back. but now almost two years later my heart is breaking in half. i realize that i can't get close to people anymore cause i am afraid of losing them.my favorite memory of my dad and me was us in germany, he had come for the first time in ten years cause i was there, and i had gotten into a fight with my grandfather. and so my dad took me for a walk, he explained to me that that is just how my grandfather was, and that he did not even like my dad that much, it took him years to accept him. my dad told me that he loved me and that i was really special to him. my dad was sick then, but we didn't know why yet. before i left for germany was dad was still healthy. when i got back he was already pretty sick. i remember making him take me to at&t after he had just gotten back from chemo therapy. i had just gotten my license and i wanted a cell phone. i remember it being a huge line and my dad waiting patiently, him being in pain and me not wanting to leave cause was selfish and wanted the stupid cell phone, i remember thinking, god why does he have to be so tired all the time, what is wrong with him, and him just waiting for me for like an hour and a half. i was such a heartless bitch for making him wait! man! i remember waiting in the doctors for 4 hours, and him just sleeping so peacefully on the bed, and me curling up next to him. and me in the sotyome campus of memorial laying in bed with him, him with the oxygen tank running, him not talking not moving, not blinking, nothing. no movement came from him. all i remember is thinking why God why!?!?!?!?!? why are you taking my daddy away.why are you giving him so much pain. please let him die. and then i left for home, only to get the worst phone call in my life. my mom telling me he was taking his last breath. god i remember yelling at leslie to go faster, and yet i was laughing in the car, i was trying to be so brave. i remember bringing him home, sobbing in the car, i was a new driver and i told my mom to let me drive and she go with his body. i strained to see the road, but new i had to be brave, when morgan arrived we went to my room and laid on my bed, she just listened to me cry. i miss that! life was so different before he died. and i was so selfish! what is wrong with me?!?!??!