Shut Up Fanfic
This is my first Lotr fanfic featuring Elrond as a main character. Basically one day I started wondering what would the Lotr Elrond think of the elves in the Hobbit. And this insane silliness was the result.
Title: Shut up!
Fandom:LotR and references the Hobbit
Pairings: Elrond/Bilbo, Elrond/Glorfindel, Humor
Rating: NC-17 for cursing, sexual imagery, and a het pairing.
Warnings: Complete and total irreverence. Insane silliness. Possibly brain-scarring imagery. Must have read the Hobbit.
Plot Synopsis: There are two types of elves, the singing kind and the non-singing kind. Elrond is in the later category, or possibly has created his own category, the very serious elves. And the singing elves are driving him insane. Throw in the 12 dwarves and one hobbit currently eating him out of house and home, and you have a very grumpy Elrond. Glorfindel and Erestor decide to do something about this.
Author's Note: [ ] is farspeaking or telepathy or whatever you want to call it.
{} is direct quotations from the Hobbit.
' ' is internal monologue.
This fic is much funnier if you find the cartoon version of the Hobbit, and listen to the elves singing. Then attempt to picture Elrond singing "tra la la la lally, down here in the valley." Thanks to those who give feedback, cause you make my day. And make me write more. If you want more, comment!
And special thanks, as always, to my friends, and also to my mom who put up with me wandering around church singing "When there's a whip, there's a way" when I was 6. (song from the Return of the King cartoon version. Mangled plot, but great music)
Elrond was really beginning to miss the peace and quiet. He was sure that at some point there had been peace and quiet, though he was not entirely sure when. Possibly it had been quiet in the womb, though knowing Elros, probably not. He did have a tendency to yammer on so. Maybe during childhood? Maedhros wasn't too talkative. Yes, that had been it. But then it occurred to him that Maglor went around singing all the time. He scowled in frustration. Maybe he was indeed losing his mind. And if so, he knew exactly who to blame for it.
Glorfindel wandered into Elrond's study and sighed inwardly. He was scowling again. Never a good sign. Someone was going to get their head bitten off tonight, and it was probably going to be him, with the news he had. Great. Maybe he just shouldn't tell Elrond and...
[And Elrond will be that much angrier with you. He'll come up with new and fun methods of punishing you again. Though I have to admit that the last ones were very entertaining.]
Glorfindel's scowl matched Elrond's as Erestor sent him a mental image of what he had looked like the last time Elrond decided he needed to be punished.
[One of these days you're going to slip up and then I will have my revenge.]
[In your dreams. Elrond knows very well what would happen if he ever tried to punish me.]
"Will both of you stop that!"
Glorfindel started. He could hear Erestor doing the mental equivalent of a double-take. Elrond should not be able to hear mental conversations. Then he realized that Elrond was yelling out the window.
[That wasn't at us, right? I really don't need to deal with Elrond having mind-reading powers.]
[That's just because if he read your mind, he'd go blind.]
[No, he'd go around very excited and happy for the rest of eternity. Plus for once he'd be able to find the butter when he wants it. How he can never find it is beyond me. It's always in the same place.]
[We are not having the butter conversation again. And he was yelling at the singers.]
[Again?!]
[Again.]
[We're elves. We sing. You think after 8000 years he'd be used to it.]
[I think he's grumpy. And the dwarves are NOT going to help matters. Not to mention Mithrandir.]
[Not Mithrandir. And dwarves? He's bringing dwarves? Well, at least that's better than last time.]
[Thranduil. Yup, that was a fun couple of weeks.]
[For you, maybe. You spent every waking moment 'entertaining' the king, as I recall.]
[Well, it was part of my duties.]
[Since when is bottoming for the King of Mirkwood one of your duties?]
[Who said I was bottoming?]
[Ugh!]
Erestor made a concentrated effort to get his mind around the thought of King Thranduil bottoming for anyone. It was like trying to get his mind around a balrog. It wasn't going to happen. Then he shook his head. If there were guests coming, he needed to get to work. The famed hospitality of Elrond Peredhil didn't happen by itself after all. And if you left it up to Elrond there wouldn't be any most of the time. Especially lately. He'd been in the worst mood lately. Thankfully his aim had been as bad as his mood. He'd only concussed two singers so far, but it was only a matter of time. Something had to be done to improve his mood. And Belril, that wonderfully obliging and very flexible guard of Thranduil's, wasn't available. So it was up to him. He thought for a second. And Glorfindel. Glorfindel should definitely be in on this. If nothing else, to give Elrond someone to punish if need be. After all, if Elrond ever punished him, he'd hide the butter and never tell him where it was again. That would be a tragedy. And make for a massively grumpy Elrond. An Elrond grumpy enough to annoy the Valar themselves. That thought made him giggle, which made Ciras and Alwen look at him, alarmed.
[If Erestor's giggling, Glorfindel'll be on display before the morn.]
[Care to bet? I think it's more likely to be Erioniel and Lalrod. Those two just can't stop singing. The lord's already hit them twice.]
[But they can both outrun him. Plus, neither one has the view likely to make the steward giggle.]
[I dunno. I think Erioniel has a very nice view. And a nice voice.]
[But all know that Erioniel likes girls, so his view's not likely to inspire Erestor. ]
[I know he likes girls. I'm counting on it. Did you forget I'm a woman again?]
[That's not important. And how much are you willing to bet?]
[Two shifts of wine cask sorting.]
[Deal. Prepare to lose.]
Erestor looked at his assistants in puzzlement as they both spat on their hands and then clapped them together.
"And what are you two up to?"
"Just a friendly wager, Lord Steward. On whether your giggling meant that Lord Glorfindel would be on display before morn or not."
"And that is your concern how, Alwen? Glorfindel has no interest in women."
"He may not, but he does make such a lovely view. Besides which, I bet not."
"And who were you thinking would be the target of our lord's ire?"
"Either Erioniel and Lalrod or..." she paused for a moment, with her head cocked to the side as if listening to someone, "Mithrandir."
"Mithrandir? Why him? And why the other two?"
"Erioniel and Lalrod for the singing, and Mithrandir for the dwarves."
Ciras groaned. "You know, having a brother in the Guards should count as cheating."
"I like to think of it as being extra prepared."
"Both of you stop it. We have work to do. Let's see, we need lots of meat and ale and bread and...."
As Erestor gave instructions to his assistants to insure that Imladris's reputation for hospitality would continue unblemished, he gave instructions to Glorfindel to insure Elrond would be in a better mood tomorrow, one way or another. He wasn't actually sure which way he preferred. He was leaning towards having both. After all, Elrond was notoriously prickly when grumpy. And he did so love having his cake and eating it too.
{
O! What are you doing,
And where are you going?
Your ponies need shoeing!
The river is flowing!
O! tra-la-la-lally
here down in the valley!
}
There was a thud. The singing stopped and instead there was a cry of pain. Bilbo and the dwarves looked around frantically, attempting to figure out where the attack had come from. Only Gandalf seemed unperturbed.
"Only some music critic, I suspect. Nothing for us to worry about. Unless we start singing. Though I suspect some foolish young elf will have a headache tomorrow."
The singing began again, this time from further off. Bilbo could hear muffled giggling as well.
{
O! What are you seeking,
And where are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
The bannocks are baking!
O! tril-lil-lil-lolly
the valley is jolly,
ha! ha!
..................
O! Will you be staying,
Or will you be flying?
Your ponies are straying!
The daylight is dying!
To fly would be folly,
To stay would be jolly
And listen and hark
Till the end of the dark
to our tune
ha! ha!
}
Elrond groaned. It was bad enough they had to sing, but such insipid tripe? It was just cruel. He resolved that on the morrow he was going to find out who was singing those ridiculous songs and hang them up by their figgins. (For those of you who are not acquainted with a figgin, it is a small type of raisin pastry. Though why and how Elrond was planning to punish someone with one is beyond the understanding of this author.) They shouldn't be too hard to identify. He'd gotten at least one with a well-aimed shoe. And then they would pay. He'd teach them to sing! He started his evil laugh. He was very proud of his evil laugh, and rightly so. No evildoer in Middle Earth could outdo Elrond's evil laugh. Celeborn did the stoic all-knowing elf lord best, Thranduil did the.... Well, actually Elrond couldn't come up with anything Thranduil did best. Of course, Thranduil had long ago proven his ability to make everyone, including people who outranked him, do exactly what he wanted. Plus, there was this thing he did with his tongue. But Thranduil had never considered Elrond important enough to use the first talent on him, and Glorfindel had not seen fit to mention the second. Though Elrond had wondered where all his servants went whenever Thranduil visited, and where all Celeborn's went when Thranduil visited Lorien. He had just put it down to Thranduil's being pretty. Not handsome, but pretty. Elrond refused to admit that Thranduil was handsome. He just didn't want to admit he had competition for Elf Lord Most Likely to Turn Others into Drooling Idiots at First Glance. Of course, once he saw Legolas, he threw in the towel. Once he'd used it to wipe up the drool.
"Elrond! Get dressed!"
Erestor's voice shook him from his thoughts. At least they'd stopped singing, he noticed. That was a nice change. Now if he could just stop Erestor from bellowing, he could have a nice peaceful evening.
"Elrond! We have guests! You need to put on some clothing, and, dear Iluvatar, where is your shoe? You're going barefoot. I am not going out there to find it. I swear, if your head wasn't attached..."
Elrond tolerated Erestor's yelling as he was dressed and made presentable, though he would have taken such from no one else. After all, Erestor knew where the butter was.
Glorfindel could hear Erestor all the way down in the dining hall, and if he was audible there, the entire valley could hear him. It amazed Glorfindel sometimes, the stuff Erestor could get away with. And yet, tease Elrond with your foot during one incredibly boring council meeting, and spend two days on display, as Elrond had termed it, in the courtyard. The very thought of it made him blush to his ear tips. It also made a certain traitorous organ rather excited. It was very hard to get all huffy about his treatment at Elrond's hands when certain parts of him would insist on enjoying it. It was very vexing. But he had a lovely plan. He smirked. Elrond was going to pay, and even better, think it was all Erestor's fault, and for once, Erestor would be the one punished. Yes, revenge was going to be sweet. And it was all going to start with the strange beardless dwarf known as a halfling or a hobbit. Mr. Bilbo Baggins.
"Yes?"
Glorfindel realized he'd said the last bit out loud.
"I was wondering if you were hungry."
"Starved."
"Lord Elrond should be down any minute."
He winced as a cry of "No, no, no, no, no! PANTS! For the love of Elbereth, put on pants!" reverberated down from above. Half the hall was snickering behind their hands. The other half had given that up and was laughing hysterically. Mithrandir was choking, and the dwarves and the halfling just looked confused.
"Is this some custom of the elves, to laugh before dinner? To promote good digestion or something?"
"Um, sort of. We always tell jokes before dinner."
"May I tell one?"
"Of course."
Glorfindel was later to regret this, but he had no idea how long Bilbo's jokes tended to be. He was still telling the joke fifteen minutes later when Elrond finally came in. Glorfindel breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that, in fact, he was wearing pants. And his clothes all matched and his hair was neatly braided. Erestor had obviously taken some pains with him. Elrond was notorious for being a sloppy dresser when grumpy. But tonight he was impeccable. Of course, it seemed such a shame to dress him up so nicely when all they were going to do was rip all those clothes right off him again. That is, if Elladan did his job right. He looked at Elladan, a questioning look in his eyes. Elladan nodded. Good. Looked like the wine was spiked.
Elladan had in fact spiked the wine, but thanks to some confusion (well, at least that's what he was planning to blame it on if discovered) it wasn't just Elrond's cup that was spiked. It was everybody's. Well, except the dwarves. He had some sense. And tonight was going to be much more fun with everyone a little sogannen (drunk, in this case more high than drunk). He might even claim Erioniel's cherry, a prize sought after by almost every elven male in Imladris. And Glory and Erest would have much more fun if they were all sogannen. Hell, everyone was going to have more fun if they were sogannen. And then there was the little joke he was planning to play on ada. After spending 3 months shoveling dung for singing, he was pissed. And Glory had told him all about the halfling plan. But Glory would never go through with it when push came to shove, because he respected ada far to much to embarrass him like that. Which was very odd when Elladan stopped to think about it, because he knew that ada respected Glory just as much, as a warrior, a friend, and as a bed partner, and yet had humiliated him by putting him on display like that. Well, maybe ada had known that some part of Glory would enjoy it. It was entirely possible. But there was no way ada would enjoy what was going to happen to him tomorrow morning. He was going to be humiliated just like he had humiliated so many others lately. He needed to learn a lesson. Elladan smirked. This was going to be fun.
Elrond looked around. Elladan was serving at dinner tonight. The smirk on his face was vaguely worrying. Elrond decided to have a conversation with him later about that. Glorfindel seemed to be listening to the halfling with a dazed look on his face. Well, if Glory was listening to the halfling, that meant he didn't have to. Huzzah. Of course, that left many dwarves and one Istari to deal with. Well, maybe if he pretended to be fascinated by the wine, someone else would be hospitable. Probably Erestor. That was his job, after all. He took a sip of the wine and almost choked. God, who decided to serve the strong Mirkwood vintage tonight? Dwarves and strong wine do not mix.
"You are fooling no one, son of Earendil."
Elrond scowled into his glass. Damn Mithrandir. Bad enough he had to deal with the singing but now he had to deal with nosy Istari as well.
'Stupid wizards. Always sticking their noses in where they weren't wanted. Why they won't leave me alone is beyond me. I've already tried to save Middle Earth once and failed. Now I'm in retirement. So why can't I be left in peace? Damn it! Too many people have died for that sort of thing. I don't want to. Plus with my luck I'd be stuck in the Halls of Mandros for all eternity. Which would be incredibly boring and I'd still never be able to find the butter. Damn butter. Always disappearing just when I want it. And look, the dwarves are already beginning to sing. Goddamn it. Why does everyone around me sing!?!? I really hate it! Ooh, wine. I should empty that.'
Glorfindel glanced over at Elrond. He was drinking the wine like it was water. That was risky at the best of times with this vintage, and when you put ergot in it, well, Elrond had about 10 more minutes by his estimation before he started getting very happy, very friendly, and very grabby. Which was always fun. Of course, explaining it to the dwarves was going to be difficult. But that was Erestor's problem, not his. His problem was arranging the orgy. Which was not going to be hard. It was in the interests of every elf in Imladris to keep their lord happy.
Alwen drank a bit of the wine, and started a coughing fit. Once she recovered, she poked Erioniel, who happened to be sitting next to her. Being one of Erestor's assistants had a few privileges, one of which was being able to arrange to sit next to him every chance she got.
"Psst. Erioniel."
Erioniel had drunk a glass, and was feeling very happy. Well, except for the tight pants. Those were very uncomfortable. He was firmly resolved to take those off. Then he looked around the room. There were many elves staring at him with hungry eyes, all of them male. He did not like those chances. Then he looked at Alwen, who seemed to be genuinely concerned about him. That settled things. He grabbed Alwen by the hand and ran out of the hall, dodging Elladan on his way.
Elladan looked at the wine he was supposed to be serving. Then he looked at the rapidly disappearing Erioniel. Then at the wine again. Then he decided that well, Alwen was always fun in bed, and well worth sharing Erioniel with. Plus, he was going to get Erioniel's cherry. He giggled, set the tray of wine down on the table, grabbed the carafe of wine, and ran after the two of them.
Glory noticed Elladan run off, but he had bigger problems to deal with. Like making sure Elrond didn't strip in the middle of dinner. Though Elbereth knew he was having trouble not wanting to do the same. And then bend Elrond over the table and bugger his brains out in front of all Imladris. He kept trying to tell himself that if he did that, he'd be on display for a month. Unfortunately, that only seemed to excite him further. Crap. This was not going as planned. Wait a minute, this wine tasted funny.
"FUCK!"
Glory's outburst was heard throughout the valley as he realized that Elladan had spiked all the wine. Everyone turned to look at him, which was unfortunate, as Elrond had decided to obey Glory's command. He was now kneeling in front of Glory, attempting to remember how one undid robes. He wanted Glory now!
"Ooh, knife. Knife work."
"No, knife do not nice things to Lord Glorfindel."
"Gimme knife!"
"No!"
Bilbo was valiantly trying to prevent Lord Elrond from getting the knife. But Bilbo was little, and Elrond was big. Plus Elrond had a massive hard on, which was giving him extra strength in the face of desperation. So Elrond lifted the knife, Bilbo still attached. Thankfully, Gandalf pulled some magic out of his hat. Or at least that was where Bilbo thought Gandalf's magic came from. Though if he had asked Lord Elrond, he would have gotten a different opinion, but one that also had 3 letters. Anyway, Gandalf had been drinking the wine too, so his brilliant spell was to poof all three of them into Elrond's bedroom. Gandalf missed. So one hobbit, a knife, and a pile of elven robes ended up in Elrond's bedroom. And suddenly there were two stark-naked elves in the middle of the hall. And a large puddle of drool.
Elrond saw his goal before him. He seized upon it. He didn't seem to notice that he was naked in the middle of the great hall in front of all of Imladris, one Istari, and 12 very confused dwarves. Gandalf tried again with the magic, and this time got Elrond to his bedroom. This did not make Glory very happy. He got from the middle of the hall to in front of Gandalf, hands around his throat, dangling him in the air, in record time.
"Bring him back," Glory snarled. He was not a happy elf. He had liked Elrond kneeling in front of him. It was nice to see him in that position for a change. Especially when it meant he was on the receiving, rather than the giving, end. He was always on the giving end of this sort of thing. Elrond did not do bottoming. So if he had to strangle a few Istari to get him back, he was going to.
"Nice, nice Glory. Let go of the Istari.''
"Grrr."
"Glory, the Istari's turning blue. Let him go, and I'm sure he'll poof Elrond back."
Erestor was worried. Gandalf was turning blue. A very horny Elrond was
alone with a halfling. And Glory had murder in his eyes. This was not good. But then Gandalf made a few movements and Elrond was back in the hall. In a very compromising position. Erestor sent a silent prayer up to Elbereth that Elrond wouldn't remember being poofed back down to the hall in a position that made it very obvious what he had just been doing with a hobbit. And even more obvious that he needed some finishing. Of course, if Elrond did remember, well...
"Ciras, get them out!"
Ciras looked around. This was going to be difficult. Glory was buggering a happy Elrond, and he was not about to go anywhere near that. In fact, it was probably easier to get everyone else out of the hall than to move those two. So...
"Okay, you heard Lord Erestor! Everybody out!"
Then Arignor, a captain of Imladris's guard and Alwen's brother, jumped him, yanking his leggings off in one go. Someone else yelled "Orgy!" Suddenly there were naked elves everywhere. Including Lord Erestor, whose brain had shut down at the sight of so many hot naked elves.
"What the hell are they doing, Gandalf?"
"I would suggest you all return to your rooms. There appears to be something very wrong here, and I need to investigate further. Plus, if you stay, someone's bound to try to engage you in this."
"Heh heh heh. I wouldn't mind engaging in this. There are some nice maidens."
"Down Bombur. And I don't think it's the elf maidens who'd be engaging you."
"Arrrrrr. Butt pirate ahoy!" a random elf yelled.
"I think we'd better take Gandalf's advice."
Gandalf heaved a sigh as the 12 dwarves walked quickly out of the hall, dodging thrown clothing on the way. Now to join in the fun. He stripped off his robes and jumped into the pile that had formed around Glory, Erest, and Elrond.
Bilbo was feeling very neglected. He wandered out of the bedroom, grabbing a bit of clothing to cover himself, and followed the sounds back down to the hall. There he saw Lord Elrond again. He immediately jumped into the pile, pushed his way through, and recaptured his new favourite burrow from Lord Glorfindel, who seemed to be done with it. After that everything got a little hazy.
Elladan wandered back into the hall near dawn with Alwen in tow.
"Heeheehee. Your father is not going to be happy when he wakes up."
"And I don't even have to put the halfling in place. He's already there."
"I think he looks cute all curled up like that. And so do Lord Glorfindel and Erestor."
"I wonder how many of them actually let him?"
"With the strength of that wine, probably all of them. Now come on. We need healing salve for Erioniel and I'm hungry."
"He doesn't need salve. He's just going to be sore."
"We're giving him salve. He's in pain. And if you ever want to have him again, you'll show some compassion."
"I wasn't aware you were in charge of who he slept with."
"I'm not, but I know who spiked the wine. And if I tell, you won't be in a position to sleep with anyone for a very long time."
"Bugger."
"Yup. So kitchen."
Elrond woke up. His bed seemed unusually hard and crowded this morning. And he was cold. He opened his eyes and screamed loudly enough to wake the dead.
"But Gandalf, I don't want to leave."
"Yes, Bilbo, I understand that you had lots of fun with Lord Elrond, but we need to be on our way."
"He's my new favourite burrow."
Gandalf coughed to hide his giggling. As they passed Glorfindel, he gave him a pinch. Glory did not seem to like this, but it was rather hard to tell what he was saying behind the gag.
"Hey, don't blame me. I said you had nothing to do with it."
Glory struggled against his bonds for a moment, then gave up. Gandalf was impressed that he could move at all. But Glory was notoriously stubborn. And stunningly gorgeous. Gandalf paused to admire Elrond's handiwork. He hadn't ever thought of wrapping rope around that. Though it seemed painful. Then he thought about all the lovely friction the rope would provide and changed his mind. Though he did wonder how the dildo fit in. It was huge. Well, he'd have to ask on the way back, when Glory was capable of speech again. That is, if Elrond ever decided to let Glory down. He was a lovely lawn ornament.
Elrond watched Gandalf staring intently at Glory. Then he turned to his newest creation.
"Now where are we going to put this?" he asked, a evil glint in his eyes. Erestor's eyes widened in panic. "I can live without butter, and I know Glory would never try to get me into bed with a halfling. But you would. So it seems only fair to give you a bigger one than I gave Glory. And leave you up longer." Elrond started his evil laugh again, which echoed throughout the valley. The party heard it as they left, and all except Bilbo shivered. Bilbo sighed. He was going to miss that burrow.
Title: Shut up!
Fandom:LotR and references the Hobbit
Pairings: Elrond/Bilbo, Elrond/Glorfindel, Humor
Rating: NC-17 for cursing, sexual imagery, and a het pairing.
Warnings: Complete and total irreverence. Insane silliness. Possibly brain-scarring imagery. Must have read the Hobbit.
Plot Synopsis: There are two types of elves, the singing kind and the non-singing kind. Elrond is in the later category, or possibly has created his own category, the very serious elves. And the singing elves are driving him insane. Throw in the 12 dwarves and one hobbit currently eating him out of house and home, and you have a very grumpy Elrond. Glorfindel and Erestor decide to do something about this.
Author's Note: [ ] is farspeaking or telepathy or whatever you want to call it.
{} is direct quotations from the Hobbit.
' ' is internal monologue.
This fic is much funnier if you find the cartoon version of the Hobbit, and listen to the elves singing. Then attempt to picture Elrond singing "tra la la la lally, down here in the valley." Thanks to those who give feedback, cause you make my day. And make me write more. If you want more, comment!
And special thanks, as always, to my friends, and also to my mom who put up with me wandering around church singing "When there's a whip, there's a way" when I was 6. (song from the Return of the King cartoon version. Mangled plot, but great music)
Elrond was really beginning to miss the peace and quiet. He was sure that at some point there had been peace and quiet, though he was not entirely sure when. Possibly it had been quiet in the womb, though knowing Elros, probably not. He did have a tendency to yammer on so. Maybe during childhood? Maedhros wasn't too talkative. Yes, that had been it. But then it occurred to him that Maglor went around singing all the time. He scowled in frustration. Maybe he was indeed losing his mind. And if so, he knew exactly who to blame for it.
Glorfindel wandered into Elrond's study and sighed inwardly. He was scowling again. Never a good sign. Someone was going to get their head bitten off tonight, and it was probably going to be him, with the news he had. Great. Maybe he just shouldn't tell Elrond and...
[And Elrond will be that much angrier with you. He'll come up with new and fun methods of punishing you again. Though I have to admit that the last ones were very entertaining.]
Glorfindel's scowl matched Elrond's as Erestor sent him a mental image of what he had looked like the last time Elrond decided he needed to be punished.
[One of these days you're going to slip up and then I will have my revenge.]
[In your dreams. Elrond knows very well what would happen if he ever tried to punish me.]
"Will both of you stop that!"
Glorfindel started. He could hear Erestor doing the mental equivalent of a double-take. Elrond should not be able to hear mental conversations. Then he realized that Elrond was yelling out the window.
[That wasn't at us, right? I really don't need to deal with Elrond having mind-reading powers.]
[That's just because if he read your mind, he'd go blind.]
[No, he'd go around very excited and happy for the rest of eternity. Plus for once he'd be able to find the butter when he wants it. How he can never find it is beyond me. It's always in the same place.]
[We are not having the butter conversation again. And he was yelling at the singers.]
[Again?!]
[Again.]
[We're elves. We sing. You think after 8000 years he'd be used to it.]
[I think he's grumpy. And the dwarves are NOT going to help matters. Not to mention Mithrandir.]
[Not Mithrandir. And dwarves? He's bringing dwarves? Well, at least that's better than last time.]
[Thranduil. Yup, that was a fun couple of weeks.]
[For you, maybe. You spent every waking moment 'entertaining' the king, as I recall.]
[Well, it was part of my duties.]
[Since when is bottoming for the King of Mirkwood one of your duties?]
[Who said I was bottoming?]
[Ugh!]
Erestor made a concentrated effort to get his mind around the thought of King Thranduil bottoming for anyone. It was like trying to get his mind around a balrog. It wasn't going to happen. Then he shook his head. If there were guests coming, he needed to get to work. The famed hospitality of Elrond Peredhil didn't happen by itself after all. And if you left it up to Elrond there wouldn't be any most of the time. Especially lately. He'd been in the worst mood lately. Thankfully his aim had been as bad as his mood. He'd only concussed two singers so far, but it was only a matter of time. Something had to be done to improve his mood. And Belril, that wonderfully obliging and very flexible guard of Thranduil's, wasn't available. So it was up to him. He thought for a second. And Glorfindel. Glorfindel should definitely be in on this. If nothing else, to give Elrond someone to punish if need be. After all, if Elrond ever punished him, he'd hide the butter and never tell him where it was again. That would be a tragedy. And make for a massively grumpy Elrond. An Elrond grumpy enough to annoy the Valar themselves. That thought made him giggle, which made Ciras and Alwen look at him, alarmed.
[If Erestor's giggling, Glorfindel'll be on display before the morn.]
[Care to bet? I think it's more likely to be Erioniel and Lalrod. Those two just can't stop singing. The lord's already hit them twice.]
[But they can both outrun him. Plus, neither one has the view likely to make the steward giggle.]
[I dunno. I think Erioniel has a very nice view. And a nice voice.]
[But all know that Erioniel likes girls, so his view's not likely to inspire Erestor. ]
[I know he likes girls. I'm counting on it. Did you forget I'm a woman again?]
[That's not important. And how much are you willing to bet?]
[Two shifts of wine cask sorting.]
[Deal. Prepare to lose.]
Erestor looked at his assistants in puzzlement as they both spat on their hands and then clapped them together.
"And what are you two up to?"
"Just a friendly wager, Lord Steward. On whether your giggling meant that Lord Glorfindel would be on display before morn or not."
"And that is your concern how, Alwen? Glorfindel has no interest in women."
"He may not, but he does make such a lovely view. Besides which, I bet not."
"And who were you thinking would be the target of our lord's ire?"
"Either Erioniel and Lalrod or..." she paused for a moment, with her head cocked to the side as if listening to someone, "Mithrandir."
"Mithrandir? Why him? And why the other two?"
"Erioniel and Lalrod for the singing, and Mithrandir for the dwarves."
Ciras groaned. "You know, having a brother in the Guards should count as cheating."
"I like to think of it as being extra prepared."
"Both of you stop it. We have work to do. Let's see, we need lots of meat and ale and bread and...."
As Erestor gave instructions to his assistants to insure that Imladris's reputation for hospitality would continue unblemished, he gave instructions to Glorfindel to insure Elrond would be in a better mood tomorrow, one way or another. He wasn't actually sure which way he preferred. He was leaning towards having both. After all, Elrond was notoriously prickly when grumpy. And he did so love having his cake and eating it too.
{
O! What are you doing,
And where are you going?
Your ponies need shoeing!
The river is flowing!
O! tra-la-la-lally
here down in the valley!
}
There was a thud. The singing stopped and instead there was a cry of pain. Bilbo and the dwarves looked around frantically, attempting to figure out where the attack had come from. Only Gandalf seemed unperturbed.
"Only some music critic, I suspect. Nothing for us to worry about. Unless we start singing. Though I suspect some foolish young elf will have a headache tomorrow."
The singing began again, this time from further off. Bilbo could hear muffled giggling as well.
{
O! What are you seeking,
And where are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
The bannocks are baking!
O! tril-lil-lil-lolly
the valley is jolly,
ha! ha!
..................
O! Will you be staying,
Or will you be flying?
Your ponies are straying!
The daylight is dying!
To fly would be folly,
To stay would be jolly
And listen and hark
Till the end of the dark
to our tune
ha! ha!
}
Elrond groaned. It was bad enough they had to sing, but such insipid tripe? It was just cruel. He resolved that on the morrow he was going to find out who was singing those ridiculous songs and hang them up by their figgins. (For those of you who are not acquainted with a figgin, it is a small type of raisin pastry. Though why and how Elrond was planning to punish someone with one is beyond the understanding of this author.) They shouldn't be too hard to identify. He'd gotten at least one with a well-aimed shoe. And then they would pay. He'd teach them to sing! He started his evil laugh. He was very proud of his evil laugh, and rightly so. No evildoer in Middle Earth could outdo Elrond's evil laugh. Celeborn did the stoic all-knowing elf lord best, Thranduil did the.... Well, actually Elrond couldn't come up with anything Thranduil did best. Of course, Thranduil had long ago proven his ability to make everyone, including people who outranked him, do exactly what he wanted. Plus, there was this thing he did with his tongue. But Thranduil had never considered Elrond important enough to use the first talent on him, and Glorfindel had not seen fit to mention the second. Though Elrond had wondered where all his servants went whenever Thranduil visited, and where all Celeborn's went when Thranduil visited Lorien. He had just put it down to Thranduil's being pretty. Not handsome, but pretty. Elrond refused to admit that Thranduil was handsome. He just didn't want to admit he had competition for Elf Lord Most Likely to Turn Others into Drooling Idiots at First Glance. Of course, once he saw Legolas, he threw in the towel. Once he'd used it to wipe up the drool.
"Elrond! Get dressed!"
Erestor's voice shook him from his thoughts. At least they'd stopped singing, he noticed. That was a nice change. Now if he could just stop Erestor from bellowing, he could have a nice peaceful evening.
"Elrond! We have guests! You need to put on some clothing, and, dear Iluvatar, where is your shoe? You're going barefoot. I am not going out there to find it. I swear, if your head wasn't attached..."
Elrond tolerated Erestor's yelling as he was dressed and made presentable, though he would have taken such from no one else. After all, Erestor knew where the butter was.
Glorfindel could hear Erestor all the way down in the dining hall, and if he was audible there, the entire valley could hear him. It amazed Glorfindel sometimes, the stuff Erestor could get away with. And yet, tease Elrond with your foot during one incredibly boring council meeting, and spend two days on display, as Elrond had termed it, in the courtyard. The very thought of it made him blush to his ear tips. It also made a certain traitorous organ rather excited. It was very hard to get all huffy about his treatment at Elrond's hands when certain parts of him would insist on enjoying it. It was very vexing. But he had a lovely plan. He smirked. Elrond was going to pay, and even better, think it was all Erestor's fault, and for once, Erestor would be the one punished. Yes, revenge was going to be sweet. And it was all going to start with the strange beardless dwarf known as a halfling or a hobbit. Mr. Bilbo Baggins.
"Yes?"
Glorfindel realized he'd said the last bit out loud.
"I was wondering if you were hungry."
"Starved."
"Lord Elrond should be down any minute."
He winced as a cry of "No, no, no, no, no! PANTS! For the love of Elbereth, put on pants!" reverberated down from above. Half the hall was snickering behind their hands. The other half had given that up and was laughing hysterically. Mithrandir was choking, and the dwarves and the halfling just looked confused.
"Is this some custom of the elves, to laugh before dinner? To promote good digestion or something?"
"Um, sort of. We always tell jokes before dinner."
"May I tell one?"
"Of course."
Glorfindel was later to regret this, but he had no idea how long Bilbo's jokes tended to be. He was still telling the joke fifteen minutes later when Elrond finally came in. Glorfindel breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that, in fact, he was wearing pants. And his clothes all matched and his hair was neatly braided. Erestor had obviously taken some pains with him. Elrond was notorious for being a sloppy dresser when grumpy. But tonight he was impeccable. Of course, it seemed such a shame to dress him up so nicely when all they were going to do was rip all those clothes right off him again. That is, if Elladan did his job right. He looked at Elladan, a questioning look in his eyes. Elladan nodded. Good. Looked like the wine was spiked.
Elladan had in fact spiked the wine, but thanks to some confusion (well, at least that's what he was planning to blame it on if discovered) it wasn't just Elrond's cup that was spiked. It was everybody's. Well, except the dwarves. He had some sense. And tonight was going to be much more fun with everyone a little sogannen (drunk, in this case more high than drunk). He might even claim Erioniel's cherry, a prize sought after by almost every elven male in Imladris. And Glory and Erest would have much more fun if they were all sogannen. Hell, everyone was going to have more fun if they were sogannen. And then there was the little joke he was planning to play on ada. After spending 3 months shoveling dung for singing, he was pissed. And Glory had told him all about the halfling plan. But Glory would never go through with it when push came to shove, because he respected ada far to much to embarrass him like that. Which was very odd when Elladan stopped to think about it, because he knew that ada respected Glory just as much, as a warrior, a friend, and as a bed partner, and yet had humiliated him by putting him on display like that. Well, maybe ada had known that some part of Glory would enjoy it. It was entirely possible. But there was no way ada would enjoy what was going to happen to him tomorrow morning. He was going to be humiliated just like he had humiliated so many others lately. He needed to learn a lesson. Elladan smirked. This was going to be fun.
Elrond looked around. Elladan was serving at dinner tonight. The smirk on his face was vaguely worrying. Elrond decided to have a conversation with him later about that. Glorfindel seemed to be listening to the halfling with a dazed look on his face. Well, if Glory was listening to the halfling, that meant he didn't have to. Huzzah. Of course, that left many dwarves and one Istari to deal with. Well, maybe if he pretended to be fascinated by the wine, someone else would be hospitable. Probably Erestor. That was his job, after all. He took a sip of the wine and almost choked. God, who decided to serve the strong Mirkwood vintage tonight? Dwarves and strong wine do not mix.
"You are fooling no one, son of Earendil."
Elrond scowled into his glass. Damn Mithrandir. Bad enough he had to deal with the singing but now he had to deal with nosy Istari as well.
'Stupid wizards. Always sticking their noses in where they weren't wanted. Why they won't leave me alone is beyond me. I've already tried to save Middle Earth once and failed. Now I'm in retirement. So why can't I be left in peace? Damn it! Too many people have died for that sort of thing. I don't want to. Plus with my luck I'd be stuck in the Halls of Mandros for all eternity. Which would be incredibly boring and I'd still never be able to find the butter. Damn butter. Always disappearing just when I want it. And look, the dwarves are already beginning to sing. Goddamn it. Why does everyone around me sing!?!? I really hate it! Ooh, wine. I should empty that.'
Glorfindel glanced over at Elrond. He was drinking the wine like it was water. That was risky at the best of times with this vintage, and when you put ergot in it, well, Elrond had about 10 more minutes by his estimation before he started getting very happy, very friendly, and very grabby. Which was always fun. Of course, explaining it to the dwarves was going to be difficult. But that was Erestor's problem, not his. His problem was arranging the orgy. Which was not going to be hard. It was in the interests of every elf in Imladris to keep their lord happy.
Alwen drank a bit of the wine, and started a coughing fit. Once she recovered, she poked Erioniel, who happened to be sitting next to her. Being one of Erestor's assistants had a few privileges, one of which was being able to arrange to sit next to him every chance she got.
"Psst. Erioniel."
Erioniel had drunk a glass, and was feeling very happy. Well, except for the tight pants. Those were very uncomfortable. He was firmly resolved to take those off. Then he looked around the room. There were many elves staring at him with hungry eyes, all of them male. He did not like those chances. Then he looked at Alwen, who seemed to be genuinely concerned about him. That settled things. He grabbed Alwen by the hand and ran out of the hall, dodging Elladan on his way.
Elladan looked at the wine he was supposed to be serving. Then he looked at the rapidly disappearing Erioniel. Then at the wine again. Then he decided that well, Alwen was always fun in bed, and well worth sharing Erioniel with. Plus, he was going to get Erioniel's cherry. He giggled, set the tray of wine down on the table, grabbed the carafe of wine, and ran after the two of them.
Glory noticed Elladan run off, but he had bigger problems to deal with. Like making sure Elrond didn't strip in the middle of dinner. Though Elbereth knew he was having trouble not wanting to do the same. And then bend Elrond over the table and bugger his brains out in front of all Imladris. He kept trying to tell himself that if he did that, he'd be on display for a month. Unfortunately, that only seemed to excite him further. Crap. This was not going as planned. Wait a minute, this wine tasted funny.
"FUCK!"
Glory's outburst was heard throughout the valley as he realized that Elladan had spiked all the wine. Everyone turned to look at him, which was unfortunate, as Elrond had decided to obey Glory's command. He was now kneeling in front of Glory, attempting to remember how one undid robes. He wanted Glory now!
"Ooh, knife. Knife work."
"No, knife do not nice things to Lord Glorfindel."
"Gimme knife!"
"No!"
Bilbo was valiantly trying to prevent Lord Elrond from getting the knife. But Bilbo was little, and Elrond was big. Plus Elrond had a massive hard on, which was giving him extra strength in the face of desperation. So Elrond lifted the knife, Bilbo still attached. Thankfully, Gandalf pulled some magic out of his hat. Or at least that was where Bilbo thought Gandalf's magic came from. Though if he had asked Lord Elrond, he would have gotten a different opinion, but one that also had 3 letters. Anyway, Gandalf had been drinking the wine too, so his brilliant spell was to poof all three of them into Elrond's bedroom. Gandalf missed. So one hobbit, a knife, and a pile of elven robes ended up in Elrond's bedroom. And suddenly there were two stark-naked elves in the middle of the hall. And a large puddle of drool.
Elrond saw his goal before him. He seized upon it. He didn't seem to notice that he was naked in the middle of the great hall in front of all of Imladris, one Istari, and 12 very confused dwarves. Gandalf tried again with the magic, and this time got Elrond to his bedroom. This did not make Glory very happy. He got from the middle of the hall to in front of Gandalf, hands around his throat, dangling him in the air, in record time.
"Bring him back," Glory snarled. He was not a happy elf. He had liked Elrond kneeling in front of him. It was nice to see him in that position for a change. Especially when it meant he was on the receiving, rather than the giving, end. He was always on the giving end of this sort of thing. Elrond did not do bottoming. So if he had to strangle a few Istari to get him back, he was going to.
"Nice, nice Glory. Let go of the Istari.''
"Grrr."
"Glory, the Istari's turning blue. Let him go, and I'm sure he'll poof Elrond back."
Erestor was worried. Gandalf was turning blue. A very horny Elrond was
alone with a halfling. And Glory had murder in his eyes. This was not good. But then Gandalf made a few movements and Elrond was back in the hall. In a very compromising position. Erestor sent a silent prayer up to Elbereth that Elrond wouldn't remember being poofed back down to the hall in a position that made it very obvious what he had just been doing with a hobbit. And even more obvious that he needed some finishing. Of course, if Elrond did remember, well...
"Ciras, get them out!"
Ciras looked around. This was going to be difficult. Glory was buggering a happy Elrond, and he was not about to go anywhere near that. In fact, it was probably easier to get everyone else out of the hall than to move those two. So...
"Okay, you heard Lord Erestor! Everybody out!"
Then Arignor, a captain of Imladris's guard and Alwen's brother, jumped him, yanking his leggings off in one go. Someone else yelled "Orgy!" Suddenly there were naked elves everywhere. Including Lord Erestor, whose brain had shut down at the sight of so many hot naked elves.
"What the hell are they doing, Gandalf?"
"I would suggest you all return to your rooms. There appears to be something very wrong here, and I need to investigate further. Plus, if you stay, someone's bound to try to engage you in this."
"Heh heh heh. I wouldn't mind engaging in this. There are some nice maidens."
"Down Bombur. And I don't think it's the elf maidens who'd be engaging you."
"Arrrrrr. Butt pirate ahoy!" a random elf yelled.
"I think we'd better take Gandalf's advice."
Gandalf heaved a sigh as the 12 dwarves walked quickly out of the hall, dodging thrown clothing on the way. Now to join in the fun. He stripped off his robes and jumped into the pile that had formed around Glory, Erest, and Elrond.
Bilbo was feeling very neglected. He wandered out of the bedroom, grabbing a bit of clothing to cover himself, and followed the sounds back down to the hall. There he saw Lord Elrond again. He immediately jumped into the pile, pushed his way through, and recaptured his new favourite burrow from Lord Glorfindel, who seemed to be done with it. After that everything got a little hazy.
Elladan wandered back into the hall near dawn with Alwen in tow.
"Heeheehee. Your father is not going to be happy when he wakes up."
"And I don't even have to put the halfling in place. He's already there."
"I think he looks cute all curled up like that. And so do Lord Glorfindel and Erestor."
"I wonder how many of them actually let him?"
"With the strength of that wine, probably all of them. Now come on. We need healing salve for Erioniel and I'm hungry."
"He doesn't need salve. He's just going to be sore."
"We're giving him salve. He's in pain. And if you ever want to have him again, you'll show some compassion."
"I wasn't aware you were in charge of who he slept with."
"I'm not, but I know who spiked the wine. And if I tell, you won't be in a position to sleep with anyone for a very long time."
"Bugger."
"Yup. So kitchen."
Elrond woke up. His bed seemed unusually hard and crowded this morning. And he was cold. He opened his eyes and screamed loudly enough to wake the dead.
"But Gandalf, I don't want to leave."
"Yes, Bilbo, I understand that you had lots of fun with Lord Elrond, but we need to be on our way."
"He's my new favourite burrow."
Gandalf coughed to hide his giggling. As they passed Glorfindel, he gave him a pinch. Glory did not seem to like this, but it was rather hard to tell what he was saying behind the gag.
"Hey, don't blame me. I said you had nothing to do with it."
Glory struggled against his bonds for a moment, then gave up. Gandalf was impressed that he could move at all. But Glory was notoriously stubborn. And stunningly gorgeous. Gandalf paused to admire Elrond's handiwork. He hadn't ever thought of wrapping rope around that. Though it seemed painful. Then he thought about all the lovely friction the rope would provide and changed his mind. Though he did wonder how the dildo fit in. It was huge. Well, he'd have to ask on the way back, when Glory was capable of speech again. That is, if Elrond ever decided to let Glory down. He was a lovely lawn ornament.
Elrond watched Gandalf staring intently at Glory. Then he turned to his newest creation.
"Now where are we going to put this?" he asked, a evil glint in his eyes. Erestor's eyes widened in panic. "I can live without butter, and I know Glory would never try to get me into bed with a halfling. But you would. So it seems only fair to give you a bigger one than I gave Glory. And leave you up longer." Elrond started his evil laugh again, which echoed throughout the valley. The party heard it as they left, and all except Bilbo shivered. Bilbo sighed. He was going to miss that burrow.