Towns of the Pioneer Valley: A Guide for the Perplexed
So, as some of you know, I am from the Pioneer Valley of Massachusetts and will be returning there shortly for the purposes of college. With this in mind, I'd like to present the following league tables for those of you who have any interest in the following subjects: Massachusetts, basketball, girls' colleges, Henry Knox, President Coolidge, lesbians, industry, and nature.
GOD TIER
Amherst: University of Massachusetts. Amherst College. Hampshire College. Emily Dickinson. Home of the Giant-Ass Burrito. Town-meeting system of government. Shays's Rebellion.
Northampton: Lesbians. Smith College. Calvin Coolidge. Raven Bookshop. Awesome restaurants and cafes. Beautiful churches.
TOP TIER
Hadley: Mt Holyoke College (South Hadley). Retains pre-Enclosure agriculture and seventeenth-century form of government. Resisted WalMart. On World Monuments Watchlist of Most Endangered Sites.
Greenfield: Good public schools. Lives from and by the Connecticut River. I was born there.
Shelburne Falls: Glacial potholes. Wonderful town centre. Great restaurants and stores. In hilly area with good hiking. Near the Mohawk Trail.
Blandford: Like Shelburne Falls, but with rock formations instead of glacial potholes, smaller, and further south. On Knox's March.
Belchertown: Near the Quabbin and thus a good place to fish. H.P. Lovecraft set a story there once.
MID TIER
Springfield: Basketball Hall of Fame. Lots of old industry. Fourth-largest city in New England. Some 'big-city' amenities. Sprawl. Neglect by state government.
Westfield: Generic suburb. Has advantage of proximity to farming and mountain areas. Good schools and hospitals.
West Springfield: Between Springfield and Westfield. Combines aspects of both.
Bernardston: Rye, corn, and cider. Sent the largest animal ever to a New York meat market, a 2,473-pound ox named 'Constitution'.
Turners Falls: Across the river from Greenfield. Nothing else to say about it.
Deerfield: Nice enough, I suppose. Nicer than Longmeadow but not as nice as Greenfield.
Cummington: Rachel Maddow lives there. Not enough to overcome the fact that Blandford is much prettier.
LOW TIER
Longmeadow: Drab suburb without Westfield's residual rural charm.
East Longmeadow: Like Longmeadow but further east.
Agawam: Seems to never have quite got over the 1950s.
SHIT TIER
Holyoke: Mt Holyoke College is actually in South Hadley. There is no reason to visit the town called Holyoke. It is a disgusting, crime-ridden slum. One of the worst in Massachusetts.
Chicopee: Has Elms College and my uncle's old textile factory and nothing else of remote interest, even negative interest. Drab post-industrial town with grey land and grey skies that somehow seem to stay grey even when they're blue. Like something out of Kara no Kyoukai. Truly awful.
GOD TIER
Amherst: University of Massachusetts. Amherst College. Hampshire College. Emily Dickinson. Home of the Giant-Ass Burrito. Town-meeting system of government. Shays's Rebellion.
Northampton: Lesbians. Smith College. Calvin Coolidge. Raven Bookshop. Awesome restaurants and cafes. Beautiful churches.
TOP TIER
Hadley: Mt Holyoke College (South Hadley). Retains pre-Enclosure agriculture and seventeenth-century form of government. Resisted WalMart. On World Monuments Watchlist of Most Endangered Sites.
Greenfield: Good public schools. Lives from and by the Connecticut River. I was born there.
Shelburne Falls: Glacial potholes. Wonderful town centre. Great restaurants and stores. In hilly area with good hiking. Near the Mohawk Trail.
Blandford: Like Shelburne Falls, but with rock formations instead of glacial potholes, smaller, and further south. On Knox's March.
Belchertown: Near the Quabbin and thus a good place to fish. H.P. Lovecraft set a story there once.
MID TIER
Springfield: Basketball Hall of Fame. Lots of old industry. Fourth-largest city in New England. Some 'big-city' amenities. Sprawl. Neglect by state government.
Westfield: Generic suburb. Has advantage of proximity to farming and mountain areas. Good schools and hospitals.
West Springfield: Between Springfield and Westfield. Combines aspects of both.
Bernardston: Rye, corn, and cider. Sent the largest animal ever to a New York meat market, a 2,473-pound ox named 'Constitution'.
Turners Falls: Across the river from Greenfield. Nothing else to say about it.
Deerfield: Nice enough, I suppose. Nicer than Longmeadow but not as nice as Greenfield.
Cummington: Rachel Maddow lives there. Not enough to overcome the fact that Blandford is much prettier.
LOW TIER
Longmeadow: Drab suburb without Westfield's residual rural charm.
East Longmeadow: Like Longmeadow but further east.
Agawam: Seems to never have quite got over the 1950s.
SHIT TIER
Holyoke: Mt Holyoke College is actually in South Hadley. There is no reason to visit the town called Holyoke. It is a disgusting, crime-ridden slum. One of the worst in Massachusetts.
Chicopee: Has Elms College and my uncle's old textile factory and nothing else of remote interest, even negative interest. Drab post-industrial town with grey land and grey skies that somehow seem to stay grey even when they're blue. Like something out of Kara no Kyoukai. Truly awful.