The New Catwoman (Alternative Title: Everyone Calm Yo Tits)
So, as many of you are aware, I'm sure, a photo was recently released of the costume that will be worn by Anne Hathaway when she plays Catwoman in Christopher Nolan's final Batman installment, The Dark Knight Rises (in theaters Summer 2012). If you're a bit less up-to-speed than the rest of the world, let me enlighten you. Now, I'm aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I certainly respect that right (hence why I created a blog where I spew my opinions on various pop culture phenomenon to the general public), but honestly, the major reaction I've seen to the costume makes me think that the world has:
a. never read a fucking Batman comic ever, in their entire life.
b. never seen either Batman Begins or The Dark Knight.
c. never seen any fucking Christopher Nolan movie, for that matter.
d. never seen any Anne Hathaway movie either.
e. been taking a copious amount of drugs that has turned them into people with no taste or imagination.
f. all of the fucking above.
Now, stay with me here. I'm going to explain why there is absolutely nothing wrong with this Catwoman costume and, furthermore, why everyone who thinks it's awful needs a lesson in higher brain functioning.
First of all, who the hell said this was the definitive Catwoman costume? Fucking no one. If anyone cares to remember, she exists as 'Selina Kyle, cat burglar', long before she ever becomes "Catwoman" (or 'Selina Kyle, wimpy secretary', if you want to go by the Tim Burton version). Also, Catwoman doesn't need fucking cat ears to be Catwoman, as some seemed eager to point out. Are you seriously so much of a child that you can't handle a Catwoman without ears? Pathetic. Please, have a little more depth, for god's sake. This is not to say that it would be bad if she did end up having cat ears (which she very well might, as I will explain in a moment). All I mean is this: At the end of the day, Catwoman is actually a human being and if she doesn't want to wear cat ears, that's her own goddamn business, and it doesn't make her any less a Catwoman.
Now, as I mentioned before: this is not a 100% final product. The movie isn't out yet, folks. And you know, there's this thing that happens in movies called costume changes. Really, I'm not joking, they do it all the time. Therefore, I submit that this may very well be one of several costumes worn by Catwoman, or even an outfit worn by Selina Kyle before she becomes Catwoman. Because, you know, people change clothes. Also, I am of the belief that Anne Hathaway can make anything work. Anything. ANYTHING. If she is playing Catwoman, trust me, ears or not, you will fucking know she is Catwoman, no questions asked. I know, a lot of people were questioning Nolan's choice in casting her (which I will address in the next paragraph), but seriously she fucking gave a stunt guy a black eye she was so in-character on set for this. Also, she played Agent 99 in Get Smart and that chick in Havoc, if it's a question of her badassery and/or sexiness. She will fucking deliver. Trust me.
Also: Have you seen the other movies? Spoilers: They're fucking amazing. I accredit this partially to the fact that Batman is some great material to work with and partially to the fact that Christopher Nolan is a goddamn god of directing. Seriously. He's responsible not only for the two other Batman films (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) but also such fucking amazing-ness as Inception, The Prestige, and Memento. Do you fathom the degree of awesome it takes to be responsible for all of that cinema gold? A fucking lot. My point is: You can trust this man. He know what the fuck he is doing with this movie. Now, on the note of casting: The man reuses actors a lot, yes. Why? Because they're fucking amazing. Let's take a look, shall we?:
Okay? I'm not even going into the actor's he used only in the Batman films (Gary Oldman, Liam Neeson, Heath Ledger (RIP), Morgan Freeman, etc.) or only one film so far (Guy Pearce, Leonardo DiCaprio, Aaron Eckhart, motherfucking David Bowie etc.), even though I really should. My point is that Christopher Nolan has excellent judgment when it comes to actors. The exception: Katie Holmes. And what did he do about that? Replaced her with another actress like it was no big deal and then killed her character, like a boss. Also, can I just mention? We're talking about a man that helped set up material for an ad campaign that had tons of people wandering around at national monuments dressed as the goddamn Joker. Can you say free advertising? Genius. Also: the website for this (and, in fact, many of the promotional websites for The Dark Knight) are still up. It's been three years.
Now, what's the point of this massive rant, in which I reference far too much material that has nothing to do with the issue at hand? Do I think you're wrong for not liking Catwoman's costume? No. You're 100% entitled to your opinion. I'm simply trying to get you to see that there's a lot more to it than you think. Christopher Nolan has excellent taste, from what I've seen. His directing choices defy what Hollywood studios want and get directly to what the audience wants and, more importantly, what will impress the audience. On top of that, you have a set of actors working on this project that more or less define what acting should be like in Hollywood, in my opinion. I completely trust all of the people involved to kick ass and make this movie one of the best of its generation, no matter what they're wearing. This is just something to keep in mind. Maybe Catwoman doesn't need cat ears or spandex lingerie to be Catwoman. Maybe she can be badass in semi-sensible boots and a weird set of goggles. How about we watch the movie first before we decide that?
a. never read a fucking Batman comic ever, in their entire life.
b. never seen either Batman Begins or The Dark Knight.
c. never seen any fucking Christopher Nolan movie, for that matter.
d. never seen any Anne Hathaway movie either.
e. been taking a copious amount of drugs that has turned them into people with no taste or imagination.
f. all of the fucking above.
Now, stay with me here. I'm going to explain why there is absolutely nothing wrong with this Catwoman costume and, furthermore, why everyone who thinks it's awful needs a lesson in higher brain functioning.
First of all, who the hell said this was the definitive Catwoman costume? Fucking no one. If anyone cares to remember, she exists as 'Selina Kyle, cat burglar', long before she ever becomes "Catwoman" (or 'Selina Kyle, wimpy secretary', if you want to go by the Tim Burton version). Also, Catwoman doesn't need fucking cat ears to be Catwoman, as some seemed eager to point out. Are you seriously so much of a child that you can't handle a Catwoman without ears? Pathetic. Please, have a little more depth, for god's sake. This is not to say that it would be bad if she did end up having cat ears (which she very well might, as I will explain in a moment). All I mean is this: At the end of the day, Catwoman is actually a human being and if she doesn't want to wear cat ears, that's her own goddamn business, and it doesn't make her any less a Catwoman.
Now, as I mentioned before: this is not a 100% final product. The movie isn't out yet, folks. And you know, there's this thing that happens in movies called costume changes. Really, I'm not joking, they do it all the time. Therefore, I submit that this may very well be one of several costumes worn by Catwoman, or even an outfit worn by Selina Kyle before she becomes Catwoman. Because, you know, people change clothes. Also, I am of the belief that Anne Hathaway can make anything work. Anything. ANYTHING. If she is playing Catwoman, trust me, ears or not, you will fucking know she is Catwoman, no questions asked. I know, a lot of people were questioning Nolan's choice in casting her (which I will address in the next paragraph), but seriously she fucking gave a stunt guy a black eye she was so in-character on set for this. Also, she played Agent 99 in Get Smart and that chick in Havoc, if it's a question of her badassery and/or sexiness. She will fucking deliver. Trust me.
Also: Have you seen the other movies? Spoilers: They're fucking amazing. I accredit this partially to the fact that Batman is some great material to work with and partially to the fact that Christopher Nolan is a goddamn god of directing. Seriously. He's responsible not only for the two other Batman films (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) but also such fucking amazing-ness as Inception, The Prestige, and Memento. Do you fathom the degree of awesome it takes to be responsible for all of that cinema gold? A fucking lot. My point is: You can trust this man. He know what the fuck he is doing with this movie. Now, on the note of casting: The man reuses actors a lot, yes. Why? Because they're fucking amazing. Let's take a look, shall we?:
- Michael Caine: This man is so badass that if you question his badassery, you will immediately burst into flame. I'm not kidding. Try to question his badassery, I dare you. (Besides playing the Badass Bat-Butler, Alfred Pennyworth, in Nolan's Batman trilogy, he also played magic veteran Cutter in Nolan's The Prestige. Non-Nolan works include Jasper (a stoner hippie political cartoonist) in Children of Men, Garth (one of two crazy-ass uncles that let their nephew raise a goddamn lion) in Secondhand Lions, Lawrence Jamieson in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and the original Charlie Croker (The Italian Job) and Alfie (Alfie), among countless others.)
- Christian Bale: While definitely a crazy bastard, Christian Bale's talent is not something that should be up for question. He's a known method actor and (while this probably seems crazy to a lot of people) it completely works for him. (He successfully played twins completely conflicted in personality but totally united in the pursuit of true magic in Nolan's The Prestige. Also, he's the goddamn Batman. Non-Nolan works include Trevor Reznik in The Machinist (a role he had to be constantly monitored for, because he weighed fucking 110 pounds for it and then managed to gain 63 pounds months later for Batman Begins, Patrick Bateman (the craziest motherfucker you will ever see on film, ever.) in American Psycho, John Rolfe (Pocahontas' husband) in The New World (an extremely underrated movie, in my opinion), Jack (one of Bob Dylan's many personalities) in I'm Not There, and motherfucking John Connor in Terminator Salvation.)
- Cillian Murphy: Fucking Scarecrow, a villain which Nolan whipped out for the first Batman movie, because why wait to give the people an awesome villain? He also played Robert Fischer, the mind-influenced victim of Inception. (Non-Nolan roles include Damien O'Sullivan (an early 1900's Irish Revolutionary) in The Wind That Shakes the Barley, Patrick "Kitten" Braden (a trans-gendered kid in the 1970s with Liam Neeson for a father) in Breakfast on Pluto, and super-badass zombie killer Jim from 28 Days Later.)
- Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard and Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Clumped together only because they were only in one other movie of his, Nolan is using all of these Inception actors in his latest work, The Dark Knight Rises. Trust me when I say, they will fucking deliver.
- Tom Hardy (Tom Hardy's Eames from Inception should be enough of a reference for you people but, just in case, he also played John Janovec in Band of Brothers, Clarkie in Layer Cake, Handsome Bob in Guy Ritchie's fucking brilliant RocknRolla, and also Charles motherfucking Bronson in (you guessed it) Bronson.)
- Marion Cotillard (Marion Cotillard, who played the super-femme fatale, Mal, in Nolan's Inception, also played the incomparable Edith Piaf (and won an Oscar for it, for good reason) in La Vie En Rose, Luisa Anselmi in Nine, Billie Frechette in Public Enemies, and Adriana in Woody Allen's recent masterpiece Midnight in Paris, not to mention Josphine Bloom (the pregnant wife) in Big Fish and a bunch of French movies she's probably never gotten credit for in America...)
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Joseph Gordon-Levitt's talent is apparent in every goddamn role he's ever been in. That kid commits, let me fucking tell you. His brilliance knows no bounds. Before playing Arthur, the Point Man in Nolan's Inception, he played Roger Bomman (the kid that sees angels) in Angels in the Outfield, Cameron James (the adorable kid that falls in love with the popular girl) in 10 Things I Hate About You, Jim Hawkins (wannabe space pirate kid) in Treasure Planet, Brendan in neo-noir Brick, Tommy Burgess in Stop-Loss, Tom in (500) Days of Summer, motherfucking Cobra Commander in (and arguably, the only good thing about) G.I. Joe, the indy (but no less-awesome) role of Morgan M. Morgensen in various short films, and, most notably to the 90s kid generation, Tommy (a ridiculously old and intelligent alien trapped in the body of a pubescent boy) from 3rd Rock from the Sun. The point here (other than that he apparently looks like a 'Tommy', because people can't stop calling him that...) is that he is fucking awesome and you should not question his talent. Ever. Or I will hunt you down. Seriously.)
Okay? I'm not even going into the actor's he used only in the Batman films (Gary Oldman, Liam Neeson, Heath Ledger (RIP), Morgan Freeman, etc.) or only one film so far (Guy Pearce, Leonardo DiCaprio, Aaron Eckhart, motherfucking David Bowie etc.), even though I really should. My point is that Christopher Nolan has excellent judgment when it comes to actors. The exception: Katie Holmes. And what did he do about that? Replaced her with another actress like it was no big deal and then killed her character, like a boss. Also, can I just mention? We're talking about a man that helped set up material for an ad campaign that had tons of people wandering around at national monuments dressed as the goddamn Joker. Can you say free advertising? Genius. Also: the website for this (and, in fact, many of the promotional websites for The Dark Knight) are still up. It's been three years.
Now, what's the point of this massive rant, in which I reference far too much material that has nothing to do with the issue at hand? Do I think you're wrong for not liking Catwoman's costume? No. You're 100% entitled to your opinion. I'm simply trying to get you to see that there's a lot more to it than you think. Christopher Nolan has excellent taste, from what I've seen. His directing choices defy what Hollywood studios want and get directly to what the audience wants and, more importantly, what will impress the audience. On top of that, you have a set of actors working on this project that more or less define what acting should be like in Hollywood, in my opinion. I completely trust all of the people involved to kick ass and make this movie one of the best of its generation, no matter what they're wearing. This is just something to keep in mind. Maybe Catwoman doesn't need cat ears or spandex lingerie to be Catwoman. Maybe she can be badass in semi-sensible boots and a weird set of goggles. How about we watch the movie first before we decide that?