(no subject)
Okay, I know it's been a while...three kids and college are killing me, but here's another installment in EMAILS FROM MY PARENTS!
ME: I think that instead of continuously looking up blondes with big guns (a personal fetish of yours, I understand) you should perhaps see how to make it possible to visit your GRANDKIDS at Thanksgiving. I was just there in June; it’s your turn! I found the plane tickets for you and everything, you lazy dork.
Dad: I don't know. I think it's best to lay around and wait and think about it and ask questions and think about it some more and then wait till it gets closer to the point where there's almost no time left and then get all frantic and search wildly for non-existent flights and then come up with apologies. At least that's how I usually do it.
The other plan would be to at least go to Thursday's meeting involving where we're going next with the projects down here in order to have some idea as to where I'm going to be THREE MONTHS FROM NOW!!!! Doo-fuss! ........ Dorkus Shmorkus! ...... Mushy Brain! ......... Besides, I have to drive because I'm too fat for only one seat according to the new rules and I need two seats or four seats round trip. Miss bitchy tootoo! .....Miss I'm pregnant and miserable and want to whine ............ Miss I'm bored so I'll abuse my poor innocent always mild and wonderful father. ............ yea that's it.
Me: What? Is this some weird, unnatural new habit you’ve picked up, of actually getting information before you make a decision? WHO ARE YOU? You are not my father, you sick freak.
And because you are not him, as he would never actually consider outside input before he made a decision that would totally benefit himself, I feel no shame in mocking you incessantly. Mock. Mock mock.
Dad: MOCK!!! MOCK YOU SAY!!! Well, I'm dashed. And I AM him. He. Me! And I've gotten information before stuff in the past for your information Miss Smarty Underwear. You'll just have to actually keep the whole Thanksgiving thing with flights and such up in the air for a little while and on your list for a little longer. I can't leave for a whole week that's sure. Everyone else can but not me. I get to leave last and I have to be back first.
Don't worry. I have you penciled in for half an answer on or about Monday by 14:00.
Mom: Boy, you sure are bossy!
Just kidding, Michelle. I thought I would say it before your Dad got a chance!
Dad: "Bossy" is a small word for what she is. Oh wait. My bad. I just counted and both words are exactly the same number of letters.
As for food, I'll eat anything. Any shellfish at all. Any shellfish with big meaty tails and claws. Any shellfish typically served with lemon and butter. Any shellfish whose name most usually starts with Maine and ends in bster.
Ya'll counted the number of letters in certain words didn't ya?
Mom: You are a butthead, you know that? Michi and I already talked about food and "obster" wasn't on the list. But turkey, dressing, deviled eggs, pecan pie, poke cake and more.
Dad: I'm dashed. I'm sure I have no idea from whence this slander is born. OK how about instead of (or in addition to) pecan pie you supply key lime pie. I don't know what "poke cake" is but it has a certain "porn" sound to it and I don't think I want to try it. (In front of anyone).
Mom: I hope Michelle has explained to her in-laws that we always talk this way! :-) Oh, I forgot. You talked this way when we were still married! Haha! While I was the sweet girl from the mountains.
Dad: It's true. You were from the mountains.
Mom: Key lime is easy to make. Are you bringing the key lime juice?
Dad: Just can't lay off the suggestive remarks can ya?
Mom: I am just going to ignore that remark. Did Michelle tell you that you are going to stay in the unfinished, cold, damp and musty basement? While I shall be upstairs staying in the beautiful library. Well, if the shoe fits….
Dad: Almost. The only exception is that when she tricked me into buying the airline ticket she didn't tell me you were coming so I'm staying in a hotel and she has to split it with me. A really expensive one too. One with a mini-bar. And a coffeemaker. And extra towels. She's going to call me whenever you go to Wal-Mart (which is most of the day) and that's the only time I have to visit.
Mom: Yes, but I will have two things you won’t. Diana and Claire! OK, since I will go shopping a teeny bit while I am there, I guess you can visit them then. IF they don’t go with me!
Dad: Oh yea! Well maybe you'd like to know that we're doing all the stupid stuff while you're there but as soon as you leave we're going on a specially arranged private midnight Wal-Mart shopping extravaganza with up to 50% off, and more. Plus for your information Miss Smarty Underwear, we didn't want to tell you but Michelle has finally lost her battle painintheassdaughter disease and is giving Diana and the short deaf kid to me to raise and I'm going to charge you if you want to see them. So Nah!
Mom: There are SO many things wrong with what you said that I can't even reply. Oh, now I get it.....
Dad: It was the "up to 50 % off, and more!" part wasn't it? I mean how's that possible?
ME: I think that instead of continuously looking up blondes with big guns (a personal fetish of yours, I understand) you should perhaps see how to make it possible to visit your GRANDKIDS at Thanksgiving. I was just there in June; it’s your turn! I found the plane tickets for you and everything, you lazy dork.
Dad: I don't know. I think it's best to lay around and wait and think about it and ask questions and think about it some more and then wait till it gets closer to the point where there's almost no time left and then get all frantic and search wildly for non-existent flights and then come up with apologies. At least that's how I usually do it.
The other plan would be to at least go to Thursday's meeting involving where we're going next with the projects down here in order to have some idea as to where I'm going to be THREE MONTHS FROM NOW!!!! Doo-fuss! ........ Dorkus Shmorkus! ...... Mushy Brain! ......... Besides, I have to drive because I'm too fat for only one seat according to the new rules and I need two seats or four seats round trip. Miss bitchy tootoo! .....Miss I'm pregnant and miserable and want to whine ............ Miss I'm bored so I'll abuse my poor innocent always mild and wonderful father. ............ yea that's it.
Me: What? Is this some weird, unnatural new habit you’ve picked up, of actually getting information before you make a decision? WHO ARE YOU? You are not my father, you sick freak.
And because you are not him, as he would never actually consider outside input before he made a decision that would totally benefit himself, I feel no shame in mocking you incessantly. Mock. Mock mock.
Dad: MOCK!!! MOCK YOU SAY!!! Well, I'm dashed. And I AM him. He. Me! And I've gotten information before stuff in the past for your information Miss Smarty Underwear. You'll just have to actually keep the whole Thanksgiving thing with flights and such up in the air for a little while and on your list for a little longer. I can't leave for a whole week that's sure. Everyone else can but not me. I get to leave last and I have to be back first.
Don't worry. I have you penciled in for half an answer on or about Monday by 14:00.
Mom: Boy, you sure are bossy!
Just kidding, Michelle. I thought I would say it before your Dad got a chance!
Dad: "Bossy" is a small word for what she is. Oh wait. My bad. I just counted and both words are exactly the same number of letters.
As for food, I'll eat anything. Any shellfish at all. Any shellfish with big meaty tails and claws. Any shellfish typically served with lemon and butter. Any shellfish whose name most usually starts with Maine and ends in bster.
Ya'll counted the number of letters in certain words didn't ya?
Mom: You are a butthead, you know that? Michi and I already talked about food and "obster" wasn't on the list. But turkey, dressing, deviled eggs, pecan pie, poke cake and more.
Dad: I'm dashed. I'm sure I have no idea from whence this slander is born. OK how about instead of (or in addition to) pecan pie you supply key lime pie. I don't know what "poke cake" is but it has a certain "porn" sound to it and I don't think I want to try it. (In front of anyone).
Mom: I hope Michelle has explained to her in-laws that we always talk this way! :-) Oh, I forgot. You talked this way when we were still married! Haha! While I was the sweet girl from the mountains.
Dad: It's true. You were from the mountains.
Mom: Key lime is easy to make. Are you bringing the key lime juice?
Dad: Just can't lay off the suggestive remarks can ya?
Mom: I am just going to ignore that remark. Did Michelle tell you that you are going to stay in the unfinished, cold, damp and musty basement? While I shall be upstairs staying in the beautiful library. Well, if the shoe fits….
Dad: Almost. The only exception is that when she tricked me into buying the airline ticket she didn't tell me you were coming so I'm staying in a hotel and she has to split it with me. A really expensive one too. One with a mini-bar. And a coffeemaker. And extra towels. She's going to call me whenever you go to Wal-Mart (which is most of the day) and that's the only time I have to visit.
Mom: Yes, but I will have two things you won’t. Diana and Claire! OK, since I will go shopping a teeny bit while I am there, I guess you can visit them then. IF they don’t go with me!
Dad: Oh yea! Well maybe you'd like to know that we're doing all the stupid stuff while you're there but as soon as you leave we're going on a specially arranged private midnight Wal-Mart shopping extravaganza with up to 50% off, and more. Plus for your information Miss Smarty Underwear, we didn't want to tell you but Michelle has finally lost her battle painintheassdaughter disease and is giving Diana and the short deaf kid to me to raise and I'm going to charge you if you want to see them. So Nah!
Mom: There are SO many things wrong with what you said that I can't even reply. Oh, now I get it.....
Dad: It was the "up to 50 % off, and more!" part wasn't it? I mean how's that possible?