(no subject)
I'm going to lock this so my parents don't know I am sharing it. Although they would probably just think it was funny.
After I emailed suggestions for my daughter's Xmas list. I should add that my parents, although divorced, get along famously and always like chatting just so they can mock each other.
Dad:I am very glad that you included me in this email stream because it reminds me that once again I have wanted too long. Leaving any “I Hate Christmas” rants aside, I would like to just cut to the chase.
Michelle, deduct whatever “that woman who I don’t like you to communicate with” (editor: he means my mom, whom of course is on this string, heehee) bought and then just pick out what I should buy and send me the list. Inasmuch as I have no idea of the relative price or value or size or indeed any characteristic of anything on the list you sent me, I can not be expected to choose. For instance I could randomly pick out three things that wind up totaling $4.23 and you and that woman in Georgia (mom again) would go on about what a scum-bucket-cheapo I am. Or I could pick out a bunch of stuff totaling $4856.98 and the aforementioned woman would sue for alimony. Diana was right, she could put a car on the list and I wouldn’t know.
The best thing would be you picking out the whole affair, Birthday and Christmas, buy it, wrap it, send it, and just send me the bill. (Of course I’d want to have an estimate before you actually purchased anything) And don’t forget Adam’s stepdaughter. I’ve forgotten her name again but still make her present nice.
This is your obligation! You owe me for not selling you to white slavers when I had the chance. Plus, think of all those times when I didn’t even hit you that hard.
Mom:(direct to my dad now) I just have one question. When are you going to finish your book? Because seriously, I have never known anyone who can write like you do. Even insulting as it is to me, (and hey I am used to it after 20 years), I still confess you are a genius with the written word.
Oh and ANYTIME you come across the perfect present for me and want to
buy and give it to me for no reason whatsoever, that's great! Matter of
fact I think you should be on the lookout constantly because there are LOTS of
things that would be perfect for me. Probably at least 365 things. Oh wait, we'll take out Christmas, so that only leaves 364.
I will ignore the kissing comments related to your body. There's just
some places we shouldn't go. :)
(I missed the email with references to kisses....they left me out of that one!)
Dad:I wasn't going to suggest that you place the kisses anyplace you haven't placed them before! HA! BOOYA!!! Of course I have to admit, them places ain't what they used to be. In fact, at least one of 'em is completely gone.
I genuinely thank you for the compliment on my writing but I'm afraid there will be no book. It's a horrible sort of Catch 22 fueled by a fundamentally pessimistic outlook, laziness, and low self esteem. While these are the very attributes that are shared by many great writer's and film makers, the Catch 22 is, (more often than not), they are also the very attributes that lead otherwise great thinkers and writers to die in obscurity. I have narrowed my goal in life to skiing till I die. If I get too old to ski, I plan to take one last run down a rocky ice filled chute at Jackson Hole called Corbet's. That'll fix things.
By the way, you have several pictures that I've asked you for about a million times and you keep not making me copies. I'm going to be needing a complete copy of your photo archives that include all Michelle and Matt photo's between 1 and 13 years old. Neither of them are very interesting after that. Maybe a few High School shots. I need the photo's to accentuate my depression. I can sit all alone in a poorly lit room with a flashlight and a fifth of rum lamenting all the stuff I didn't do and mistakes I made. Nothing beats wallowing in the cheap luxury of false melancholy.
(My mom emailed a quick question what she should also buy for my ex's stepdaughter, my daughter's stepsister, although my dad already got something)
Dad: Hey, woman who fondles other people's underwear for a living, she was talking to me. (My mom is a US Customs agent.)
“I’m trying to make it reasonably”? Well, it’s good to see you keeping up with your English skills. I figure $50.00 - $75.00 Diana Birthday --- $200.00 +/- Diana Christmas --- $40.00ish Jamie Christmas. So, do I just send you the money, (lets say $350.00), and let you handle it? Hmmm? I mean if you could put together a good Christmas and birthday package for less that would please Diana and Jamie and you subsequently would have money left over and there wasn’t anyone asking for receipts and no way for anyone to know about the left over money but everyone was happy then I can’t see how any complications would develop if the extra money found its way into a certain daughters pocket to use at her own discretion. I can’t see how that would happen. ………….. I’ll go $400.00.
Mom: You are giving me a headache!
Sorry about the spelling, it's not like I have any work to do or anything!
Dad: (in a case of classic email mistaking) What a Minute! Who said that? Michelle! Surely that's not you claiming that I give you a headache. You're talking about your crummy 'ol Mother, right?
I'm waiting to see what the next installment will be. It definitely livens up my email box every time it happens.
After I emailed suggestions for my daughter's Xmas list. I should add that my parents, although divorced, get along famously and always like chatting just so they can mock each other.
Dad:I am very glad that you included me in this email stream because it reminds me that once again I have wanted too long. Leaving any “I Hate Christmas” rants aside, I would like to just cut to the chase.
Michelle, deduct whatever “that woman who I don’t like you to communicate with” (editor: he means my mom, whom of course is on this string, heehee) bought and then just pick out what I should buy and send me the list. Inasmuch as I have no idea of the relative price or value or size or indeed any characteristic of anything on the list you sent me, I can not be expected to choose. For instance I could randomly pick out three things that wind up totaling $4.23 and you and that woman in Georgia (mom again) would go on about what a scum-bucket-cheapo I am. Or I could pick out a bunch of stuff totaling $4856.98 and the aforementioned woman would sue for alimony. Diana was right, she could put a car on the list and I wouldn’t know.
The best thing would be you picking out the whole affair, Birthday and Christmas, buy it, wrap it, send it, and just send me the bill. (Of course I’d want to have an estimate before you actually purchased anything) And don’t forget Adam’s stepdaughter. I’ve forgotten her name again but still make her present nice.
This is your obligation! You owe me for not selling you to white slavers when I had the chance. Plus, think of all those times when I didn’t even hit you that hard.
Mom:(direct to my dad now) I just have one question. When are you going to finish your book? Because seriously, I have never known anyone who can write like you do. Even insulting as it is to me, (and hey I am used to it after 20 years), I still confess you are a genius with the written word.
Oh and ANYTIME you come across the perfect present for me and want to
buy and give it to me for no reason whatsoever, that's great! Matter of
fact I think you should be on the lookout constantly because there are LOTS of
things that would be perfect for me. Probably at least 365 things. Oh wait, we'll take out Christmas, so that only leaves 364.
I will ignore the kissing comments related to your body. There's just
some places we shouldn't go. :)
(I missed the email with references to kisses....they left me out of that one!)
Dad:I wasn't going to suggest that you place the kisses anyplace you haven't placed them before! HA! BOOYA!!! Of course I have to admit, them places ain't what they used to be. In fact, at least one of 'em is completely gone.
I genuinely thank you for the compliment on my writing but I'm afraid there will be no book. It's a horrible sort of Catch 22 fueled by a fundamentally pessimistic outlook, laziness, and low self esteem. While these are the very attributes that are shared by many great writer's and film makers, the Catch 22 is, (more often than not), they are also the very attributes that lead otherwise great thinkers and writers to die in obscurity. I have narrowed my goal in life to skiing till I die. If I get too old to ski, I plan to take one last run down a rocky ice filled chute at Jackson Hole called Corbet's. That'll fix things.
By the way, you have several pictures that I've asked you for about a million times and you keep not making me copies. I'm going to be needing a complete copy of your photo archives that include all Michelle and Matt photo's between 1 and 13 years old. Neither of them are very interesting after that. Maybe a few High School shots. I need the photo's to accentuate my depression. I can sit all alone in a poorly lit room with a flashlight and a fifth of rum lamenting all the stuff I didn't do and mistakes I made. Nothing beats wallowing in the cheap luxury of false melancholy.
(My mom emailed a quick question what she should also buy for my ex's stepdaughter, my daughter's stepsister, although my dad already got something)
Dad: Hey, woman who fondles other people's underwear for a living, she was talking to me. (My mom is a US Customs agent.)
“I’m trying to make it reasonably”? Well, it’s good to see you keeping up with your English skills. I figure $50.00 - $75.00 Diana Birthday --- $200.00 +/- Diana Christmas --- $40.00ish Jamie Christmas. So, do I just send you the money, (lets say $350.00), and let you handle it? Hmmm? I mean if you could put together a good Christmas and birthday package for less that would please Diana and Jamie and you subsequently would have money left over and there wasn’t anyone asking for receipts and no way for anyone to know about the left over money but everyone was happy then I can’t see how any complications would develop if the extra money found its way into a certain daughters pocket to use at her own discretion. I can’t see how that would happen. ………….. I’ll go $400.00.
Mom: You are giving me a headache!
Sorry about the spelling, it's not like I have any work to do or anything!
Dad: (in a case of classic email mistaking) What a Minute! Who said that? Michelle! Surely that's not you claiming that I give you a headache. You're talking about your crummy 'ol Mother, right?
I'm waiting to see what the next installment will be. It definitely livens up my email box every time it happens.