there's only us, there's only this, there's no day but today
so i've been thinking a lot about what i want from life, from my one and only time i'll ever be on this earth, be alive. what do i want from my short time here? well i can't totally know... i'm still young and i'll always be cotinuing to grow and change. but i know what i do not want and some things that i think i would want my life to include. all i see around me are family members who have intensely fucked up their lives and are on these non-stop hurtling planes crashing and bursting into flames of misery, depression, and stagnancy. i see friends and acquaintances who hold onto these surprisingly normative values that i don't think can bring any human happiness and fulfillment. i don't want anything that kills my soul, that keeps me in line, that sedates me.
i want to feel, explore, and have as many experiences as i can. i want to travel to anywhere and everywhere i could possibly afford. i want to continue learning and maybe someday even be a facilitator and guide in the learning process of others. i want to live in different parts of the country and hopefully in other countries as well. all of this is really scary and so incredibly contrary to my family and upbringing. but i can't just sit and watch it all go by, never leaving, never challenging, never pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. i don't know if i want kids (i do believe it's socially and environmentally irressponsible) and that kids would seriously limit my ability to experience so many things. i'm just not going to worry about it til i'm pushing thirty or early thirties. i hope i find love again, but i can't let that be my only focus or goal. i don't know if i'll ever want another super committed monogamous relationship. i don't know if i'll ever feel anything like i did. i just hope i can make new connections with a person that helps motivate and inspire me and i'd have the same effect on this theoretical person. but i don't want to keep defining myself in relation to other people. i need to continue to push towards autonomy and standing on my own. it's terrifying and it's something that i thought i'd never be able to do, which is why i have to keep challenging myself.
i don't want to fall into normalcy, into dissatisfaction, into misery, into bitterness. there's so much out there and not nearly enough time to really enjoy it all. we have so little time, and i want to know that i refused the passive acceptance of repressive systems and tried my hardest to experience and appreciate all that is out there.
i want to feel, explore, and have as many experiences as i can. i want to travel to anywhere and everywhere i could possibly afford. i want to continue learning and maybe someday even be a facilitator and guide in the learning process of others. i want to live in different parts of the country and hopefully in other countries as well. all of this is really scary and so incredibly contrary to my family and upbringing. but i can't just sit and watch it all go by, never leaving, never challenging, never pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. i don't know if i want kids (i do believe it's socially and environmentally irressponsible) and that kids would seriously limit my ability to experience so many things. i'm just not going to worry about it til i'm pushing thirty or early thirties. i hope i find love again, but i can't let that be my only focus or goal. i don't know if i'll ever want another super committed monogamous relationship. i don't know if i'll ever feel anything like i did. i just hope i can make new connections with a person that helps motivate and inspire me and i'd have the same effect on this theoretical person. but i don't want to keep defining myself in relation to other people. i need to continue to push towards autonomy and standing on my own. it's terrifying and it's something that i thought i'd never be able to do, which is why i have to keep challenging myself.
i don't want to fall into normalcy, into dissatisfaction, into misery, into bitterness. there's so much out there and not nearly enough time to really enjoy it all. we have so little time, and i want to know that i refused the passive acceptance of repressive systems and tried my hardest to experience and appreciate all that is out there.