(no subject)
Title: For Love and Failing
Author: Melanie
Challenge type: lyric
Challenge number & title: #12 I wish you were here tonight with me. I wish I could have you by my side - 'Still Standing' The Rasmus
Fandom: Alias
Characters: Jack/Irina
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my characters.
A/N: Based in part from natushka's answer to a meme I posted a couple of months ago. Set pre-series.
Table of Fic
Sometimes Irina looks at herself in the mirror and cannot see any trace of the idealistic young woman who left Moscow. Most of the time she doesn't care, but there are moments where she feels the sharp pain of loss, and she tells herself to stop thinking about Mama and Papa and her sisters. She reminds herself that she's here to serve her country, and one day she will go home and she can be herself again.
Except - most of the time she feels that she's already home. It would be easy to believe she's always been Laura, that this life is real, that she really does love Jack.
She's always been good at lying to herself.
In the beginning, she enjoyed the time alone when Jack was away, she used to allow herself moments - in private, of course - when she could be Irina again.
She's not sure when the house started to feel empty without him.
She tells herself it means nothing that she sleeps on his side of the bed, wearing one of his shirts, or that she has nightmares about him falling into enemy hands and never coming home.
She doesn't realize she's still supposed to be his enemy.
These are all things Laura would do, she thinks. She rationalizes and she justifies and lies to herself - because to admit the truth would be treason. Irina tells herself she's in control, that she knows what she's here for; she's still focused on the big picture.
Except now he's three days late.
She finds herself waiting for the phone to ring, and dreading it at the same time. No news is good news, she thinks.
He'll come home.
She places her palm against her belly and thinks of the child only just starting to grow.
He has to come home.
It's another two days before he does. She wakes up when he tries unsuccessfully to sneak into bed, and is about to yell at him for staying away so long and how he'd better not pull anything like this again. But even in the dark she can tell something's wrong, and when she switches on the bedside lamp, she can do nothing but stare at her husband in horror.
"It's not as bad as it looks," he says, then lies down and closes his eyes.
She catalogues his injuries in her mind: bruises on his face, a black eye, stitches just above his hairline. His hands are cut up, and one finger is splinted.
She's filled with rage at whoever hurt him; this is her husband. "Jack."
"S'okay," he mumbles. "Home now."
She curls up next to him, carefully placing her hand on his chest, just above his heart. His pulse is steady and strong, and she wants to cry with relief because, although he's injured, he's home and he's alive.
"Promise me you always come back to me, Jack."
"Promise." His words have a thickness to them that suggests he's been given painkillers. "Love you."
"I love you, too," Irina says, and for the first time she admits it’s the truth.
Author: Melanie
Challenge type: lyric
Challenge number & title: #12 I wish you were here tonight with me. I wish I could have you by my side - 'Still Standing' The Rasmus
Fandom: Alias
Characters: Jack/Irina
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my characters.
A/N: Based in part from natushka's answer to a meme I posted a couple of months ago. Set pre-series.
Table of Fic
Sometimes Irina looks at herself in the mirror and cannot see any trace of the idealistic young woman who left Moscow. Most of the time she doesn't care, but there are moments where she feels the sharp pain of loss, and she tells herself to stop thinking about Mama and Papa and her sisters. She reminds herself that she's here to serve her country, and one day she will go home and she can be herself again.
Except - most of the time she feels that she's already home. It would be easy to believe she's always been Laura, that this life is real, that she really does love Jack.
She's always been good at lying to herself.
In the beginning, she enjoyed the time alone when Jack was away, she used to allow herself moments - in private, of course - when she could be Irina again.
She's not sure when the house started to feel empty without him.
She tells herself it means nothing that she sleeps on his side of the bed, wearing one of his shirts, or that she has nightmares about him falling into enemy hands and never coming home.
She doesn't realize she's still supposed to be his enemy.
These are all things Laura would do, she thinks. She rationalizes and she justifies and lies to herself - because to admit the truth would be treason. Irina tells herself she's in control, that she knows what she's here for; she's still focused on the big picture.
Except now he's three days late.
She finds herself waiting for the phone to ring, and dreading it at the same time. No news is good news, she thinks.
He'll come home.
She places her palm against her belly and thinks of the child only just starting to grow.
He has to come home.
It's another two days before he does. She wakes up when he tries unsuccessfully to sneak into bed, and is about to yell at him for staying away so long and how he'd better not pull anything like this again. But even in the dark she can tell something's wrong, and when she switches on the bedside lamp, she can do nothing but stare at her husband in horror.
"It's not as bad as it looks," he says, then lies down and closes his eyes.
She catalogues his injuries in her mind: bruises on his face, a black eye, stitches just above his hairline. His hands are cut up, and one finger is splinted.
She's filled with rage at whoever hurt him; this is her husband. "Jack."
"S'okay," he mumbles. "Home now."
She curls up next to him, carefully placing her hand on his chest, just above his heart. His pulse is steady and strong, and she wants to cry with relief because, although he's injured, he's home and he's alive.
"Promise me you always come back to me, Jack."
"Promise." His words have a thickness to them that suggests he's been given painkillers. "Love you."
"I love you, too," Irina says, and for the first time she admits it’s the truth.