Good morning dear, I think I'm losing it
Can't find my way and I'm, I'm getting used to it
My brain has been acting up and Im just realizing now how long Ive been plucking away at this. When I was 19 and my brain would not shut off at the end of the day, I started taking pills. My whole body would tense up and my mond would be racing, but that part has always happened and i didnt realize thats actually what i was trying to shut off. when im hypomanic, my brain wont shut up at night. i described it like a car radio going through stations, pausing briefly on each but not enough to decypher the thought. my brain knows what each thought is though, and this process is exhausting but when i do fall asleep, im jolted awake by these ridiculous dreams. i fight for my life. literally kick and scream and have entire fights with my eyes closed and unconscious. sometimes its my own shouting that wakes me up.
when i was 19 i'd buy pills at the pharmacy to help me sleep. over the countwr muscle relaxants, and id split them in half because i was poor and had to conserve. then eventually gave up on splitting them. certain times when things got bad with my sleep id go back to my old buddy to knock myself out.
i dont remember my dreams being as bad then as they are now though. now i often debate whether to sleep in the same bed as Greg because i do physically defend myself while im sleeping... against nothing in real life, but hes there. so sometimes hes the one to wake me up, sometimes its me doing it to myself.
basically im back to thinking about meds again, and possibly adding a sleeping pill to my daily routine. i dont think a sleeping pill can immobilize me though, so!
The real update though is that i had the conversation i was hoping to have with my aunts about my mom's will. it was hard, because it's not easy to explain why i want to see these documents. Im writing about it because it's helping me process, the goal isnt to like, expose my Mom's dark secrets or anything. the parallels in our lives are so bang on though, and now that i have a tiny window on my own brain i think it will help me learn why she was the way she was, and why i am the way i am.
last time i was here i was writing about a major situation in my reproductive area, which sortof ties in to this topic too: kids? if my mom is like her mom, and i am like my mom, logic dictates my offspring will be a little spicy too. and by a little spicy i mean...!
for a long time after mom died, i was sure id never want kids because i had no idea how to get dad out of my life, and there was no way in hell i wanted that guy to be a grampa.
eventually i figured that part out, but was in no financial position to take on the cost of diapers, let alone an education for a whole other person. so just not in the books, right? until i was about 30 and things with Greg started getting serious.
Which also happens to be when i started getting cramps so bad id have to lay down with the door open in the winter and just try to breathe through the whole thing. my doctor eventually referred me to a specialist, but not until it happened about 8 times.
Meanwhile one of my wisdom teeth broke, and i was growing a cyst the size of an olive on my ankle. so even though things in my life were stabilizing since id left the theatre, it was alll coming out somehow.
I had three surgeries that year, the second of which left me without my left ovary. they just scooped it up in a bag, lopped off my fallopian tube and pulled it out by my belly button.
This was after I decided to file a complaint with the Ministry of Labour against the Mayfair of course, so it kind of makes sense that all the bad was coming out. Still alot for my body though, and some days it feels like im still recovering in some ways.
and now i just kindof question myself on the idea of bringing a new life into this fucked up world i guess. especially mid-pandemic? but even before. with my brain? and all this garbage?? kindof just seems more sensible to help kids that exist, most days.
My brain has been acting up and Im just realizing now how long Ive been plucking away at this. When I was 19 and my brain would not shut off at the end of the day, I started taking pills. My whole body would tense up and my mond would be racing, but that part has always happened and i didnt realize thats actually what i was trying to shut off. when im hypomanic, my brain wont shut up at night. i described it like a car radio going through stations, pausing briefly on each but not enough to decypher the thought. my brain knows what each thought is though, and this process is exhausting but when i do fall asleep, im jolted awake by these ridiculous dreams. i fight for my life. literally kick and scream and have entire fights with my eyes closed and unconscious. sometimes its my own shouting that wakes me up.
when i was 19 i'd buy pills at the pharmacy to help me sleep. over the countwr muscle relaxants, and id split them in half because i was poor and had to conserve. then eventually gave up on splitting them. certain times when things got bad with my sleep id go back to my old buddy to knock myself out.
i dont remember my dreams being as bad then as they are now though. now i often debate whether to sleep in the same bed as Greg because i do physically defend myself while im sleeping... against nothing in real life, but hes there. so sometimes hes the one to wake me up, sometimes its me doing it to myself.
basically im back to thinking about meds again, and possibly adding a sleeping pill to my daily routine. i dont think a sleeping pill can immobilize me though, so!
The real update though is that i had the conversation i was hoping to have with my aunts about my mom's will. it was hard, because it's not easy to explain why i want to see these documents. Im writing about it because it's helping me process, the goal isnt to like, expose my Mom's dark secrets or anything. the parallels in our lives are so bang on though, and now that i have a tiny window on my own brain i think it will help me learn why she was the way she was, and why i am the way i am.
last time i was here i was writing about a major situation in my reproductive area, which sortof ties in to this topic too: kids? if my mom is like her mom, and i am like my mom, logic dictates my offspring will be a little spicy too. and by a little spicy i mean...!
for a long time after mom died, i was sure id never want kids because i had no idea how to get dad out of my life, and there was no way in hell i wanted that guy to be a grampa.
eventually i figured that part out, but was in no financial position to take on the cost of diapers, let alone an education for a whole other person. so just not in the books, right? until i was about 30 and things with Greg started getting serious.
Which also happens to be when i started getting cramps so bad id have to lay down with the door open in the winter and just try to breathe through the whole thing. my doctor eventually referred me to a specialist, but not until it happened about 8 times.
Meanwhile one of my wisdom teeth broke, and i was growing a cyst the size of an olive on my ankle. so even though things in my life were stabilizing since id left the theatre, it was alll coming out somehow.
I had three surgeries that year, the second of which left me without my left ovary. they just scooped it up in a bag, lopped off my fallopian tube and pulled it out by my belly button.
This was after I decided to file a complaint with the Ministry of Labour against the Mayfair of course, so it kind of makes sense that all the bad was coming out. Still alot for my body though, and some days it feels like im still recovering in some ways.
and now i just kindof question myself on the idea of bringing a new life into this fucked up world i guess. especially mid-pandemic? but even before. with my brain? and all this garbage?? kindof just seems more sensible to help kids that exist, most days.