but the darling is dead // we hit her on the head
I'm starting to have to refer to my old journal a bit more, because this period was really difficult and i really felt all over the place. so we're going to rewind a tiny bit and i will correct myself. because i actually landed in the hospital twice.
My moods are constantly up and down, and by June 2010 my lows are concerning enough that Gary brings it up with me. I go see the doctor and give him a sortof snapshot of my life, but i still don't have the words to explain the "ups", because i don't really notice them that much. it's fine to be productive at work. i'm irritated and irritable, but this is still justa "a mel thing" at this point. There's no such thing as health insurance at the theatre, no matter how long you've worked there, and i can't afford to pay for most meds, nevermind most therapists. so I start looking for one that i can afford.
At one point in time i got a yeast infection, my first ever so i had no clue what was going on. i guess Gary had been here before though, because when i explained my symptoms to him, he exclaimed "I didn't do anything!" - his previous girlfriend had accused him of giving her an STD when she had gotten a yeast infection once, and he was covering his bases, but it didn't go over well.
that summer, i had a PAP smear come back abnormal. i assumed the worst, basically, i was about to die. because of Mom's history, the doctor decided to do a colposcopy and a biopsy right away to figure out what was going on. a colposcopy is basically when the doctors go in with a camera to really look at your cervix and insides, and to do the biopsy they take this weird pair of like, nail clippers that can fit in a speculum and go in and cut a tiny chunk off your cervix to analyze it. it's not fun but it's over quickly, and then there's a long wait for results. ultimately they didn't find anything, but my PAPs were scheduled for every six months for awhile after that.
I didn't realize, but I starting cycling pretty quickly through hypomania - depression. if I wasn't irritated, i was devastatingly sad. So in October that year the doctor at the clinic loads me up with samples of cipralex for a few months and sends me on my way. this was bad news, but i didn't know it at the time. my inability to sleep was attributed to anxiety, and these meds were supposed to help. but i didn't really seem to be sleeping that much at all. and when the doctor asked me how i was doing, i didn't know that i should have been telling him about how quickly i got my work done and how nothing seemed to be happening fast enough. i knew that i was feeling relatively fine, because i was - hypomanic and sitting on top of the world.
this totally aggravated any issues Gary and I were having. he went on tour frequently, and his bandmates didn't like me, so every time he left i worried. but that worry snowballed into major irritation if he didn't get back to me quickly enough, or if he had to change plans, or just if he wanted a night alone. i convinced myself that there was something going on he was trying to hide from me.
I started curling that year to try to help with my mental health, but i was having a hard time even leaving the house. my dad would pick me up on wednesday nights and we might go for dinner, or head straight to my game. he was also supposed to drive me home, but more often than not he was too drunk. i was trying to have a relationship with this douchebag and he barely bothered.
by november i was looking for a new counsellor, because it wasn't working out with the one i had found. my moods were still all over the place, and now i was truly feeling like it was something that was wrong with me. by december my moods were back up and i was giving up on my meds because i'm fiiiine. This is around when Pavel and Alf moved in.
This is also around the time when I started feeling the need to leave theatre life. Things had gotten really corporate at empire, and i didn't really fit into that world. i also never thought i'd get hired in a local independent cinema in my lifetime, so applying to the mayfair or the bytowne was kindof out of the question. I put in my resume to apply at the museum of Civilization, which i thought might be interesting. it was a day job, so perhaps that would help my moods be more stable, and so on. they also had an IMAX theatre, so you know... my fingers were crossed.
February 2011, I get a text message from my little sister saying that dad needs to talk to me and it's about something serious. Of course, I assume he's dying. I try calling and he doesn't answer. My sister won't tell me what it is herself, saying that it's really up to him to fess up. I had quit smoking cigarettes for about six months at this point, but i marched over to the quickie on bank street and immediately bought a pack of belmonts. later that evening my dad calls to tell me he's been cheating on my stepmom for about 3 years. i still don't even really know what to say about it, but i had been starting to trust him at that point and it shattered me inside. he still was my only parent, so i felt like i had to stick by him for some reason. none of my other siblings wanted to talk to him, but dad was going to be showing up at the curling club on wednesdays to watch my game and get drunk whether i wanted a ride there or not.
obviously that didn't make things easier with Gary. and later that month i went back on meds. I know, trust me i know.
By April I was suicidal, and that's when Gary brought me to the hospital for the first time. i was put back on cipralex and they added trazodone to help me sleep, and i was admitted into the day program at the civic. therapy was gonna be my full time job for two months, and then i'd have a couple weeks off to reset before hopefully going back to normal??
i was very hopeful, hahahaha.
My moods are constantly up and down, and by June 2010 my lows are concerning enough that Gary brings it up with me. I go see the doctor and give him a sortof snapshot of my life, but i still don't have the words to explain the "ups", because i don't really notice them that much. it's fine to be productive at work. i'm irritated and irritable, but this is still justa "a mel thing" at this point. There's no such thing as health insurance at the theatre, no matter how long you've worked there, and i can't afford to pay for most meds, nevermind most therapists. so I start looking for one that i can afford.
At one point in time i got a yeast infection, my first ever so i had no clue what was going on. i guess Gary had been here before though, because when i explained my symptoms to him, he exclaimed "I didn't do anything!" - his previous girlfriend had accused him of giving her an STD when she had gotten a yeast infection once, and he was covering his bases, but it didn't go over well.
that summer, i had a PAP smear come back abnormal. i assumed the worst, basically, i was about to die. because of Mom's history, the doctor decided to do a colposcopy and a biopsy right away to figure out what was going on. a colposcopy is basically when the doctors go in with a camera to really look at your cervix and insides, and to do the biopsy they take this weird pair of like, nail clippers that can fit in a speculum and go in and cut a tiny chunk off your cervix to analyze it. it's not fun but it's over quickly, and then there's a long wait for results. ultimately they didn't find anything, but my PAPs were scheduled for every six months for awhile after that.
I didn't realize, but I starting cycling pretty quickly through hypomania - depression. if I wasn't irritated, i was devastatingly sad. So in October that year the doctor at the clinic loads me up with samples of cipralex for a few months and sends me on my way. this was bad news, but i didn't know it at the time. my inability to sleep was attributed to anxiety, and these meds were supposed to help. but i didn't really seem to be sleeping that much at all. and when the doctor asked me how i was doing, i didn't know that i should have been telling him about how quickly i got my work done and how nothing seemed to be happening fast enough. i knew that i was feeling relatively fine, because i was - hypomanic and sitting on top of the world.
this totally aggravated any issues Gary and I were having. he went on tour frequently, and his bandmates didn't like me, so every time he left i worried. but that worry snowballed into major irritation if he didn't get back to me quickly enough, or if he had to change plans, or just if he wanted a night alone. i convinced myself that there was something going on he was trying to hide from me.
I started curling that year to try to help with my mental health, but i was having a hard time even leaving the house. my dad would pick me up on wednesday nights and we might go for dinner, or head straight to my game. he was also supposed to drive me home, but more often than not he was too drunk. i was trying to have a relationship with this douchebag and he barely bothered.
by november i was looking for a new counsellor, because it wasn't working out with the one i had found. my moods were still all over the place, and now i was truly feeling like it was something that was wrong with me. by december my moods were back up and i was giving up on my meds because i'm fiiiine. This is around when Pavel and Alf moved in.
This is also around the time when I started feeling the need to leave theatre life. Things had gotten really corporate at empire, and i didn't really fit into that world. i also never thought i'd get hired in a local independent cinema in my lifetime, so applying to the mayfair or the bytowne was kindof out of the question. I put in my resume to apply at the museum of Civilization, which i thought might be interesting. it was a day job, so perhaps that would help my moods be more stable, and so on. they also had an IMAX theatre, so you know... my fingers were crossed.
February 2011, I get a text message from my little sister saying that dad needs to talk to me and it's about something serious. Of course, I assume he's dying. I try calling and he doesn't answer. My sister won't tell me what it is herself, saying that it's really up to him to fess up. I had quit smoking cigarettes for about six months at this point, but i marched over to the quickie on bank street and immediately bought a pack of belmonts. later that evening my dad calls to tell me he's been cheating on my stepmom for about 3 years. i still don't even really know what to say about it, but i had been starting to trust him at that point and it shattered me inside. he still was my only parent, so i felt like i had to stick by him for some reason. none of my other siblings wanted to talk to him, but dad was going to be showing up at the curling club on wednesdays to watch my game and get drunk whether i wanted a ride there or not.
obviously that didn't make things easier with Gary. and later that month i went back on meds. I know, trust me i know.
By April I was suicidal, and that's when Gary brought me to the hospital for the first time. i was put back on cipralex and they added trazodone to help me sleep, and i was admitted into the day program at the civic. therapy was gonna be my full time job for two months, and then i'd have a couple weeks off to reset before hopefully going back to normal??
i was very hopeful, hahahaha.