(no subject)
Today was a good day.
On the other hand, I'm really scared. I found out today that my mom is back (the one I haven't talked to in 3 years). I might end up seeing her this weekend, I really don't know if I want to. I'm scared, becuase, I don't want to start getting attached again, and then have her take off and not hear from her for another 3 years, and its not like, I can not get attached, as much as I try. Part of me wants to tell her, scream at her, "What makes you think that you can walk in and out of my life, do you know how much it hurts, when it's my birthday and I don't even get a call, let alone a card, or when my dad dies, and you don't even know about it, or to come to your house, to visit you, and you leave, and leave me there with your boyfriend, for weeks. Or knowing that you're out there somewhere, not knowing if your alive and safe, or drugged up at some stranger's house, or dead on the side of the road somewhere?!" Part of me doesn't want anything to do with her. Then the rest of me is like, Mel, this is your MOTHER, you should love her, no matter what, she'll always be your mother, and you'll always love her. But I don't want to get hurt again. I'd much rather not know where she is, or have anything to do with her, becuase she obviously didn't want anything to do with me.
On the other hand, I'm really scared. I found out today that my mom is back (the one I haven't talked to in 3 years). I might end up seeing her this weekend, I really don't know if I want to. I'm scared, becuase, I don't want to start getting attached again, and then have her take off and not hear from her for another 3 years, and its not like, I can not get attached, as much as I try. Part of me wants to tell her, scream at her, "What makes you think that you can walk in and out of my life, do you know how much it hurts, when it's my birthday and I don't even get a call, let alone a card, or when my dad dies, and you don't even know about it, or to come to your house, to visit you, and you leave, and leave me there with your boyfriend, for weeks. Or knowing that you're out there somewhere, not knowing if your alive and safe, or drugged up at some stranger's house, or dead on the side of the road somewhere?!" Part of me doesn't want anything to do with her. Then the rest of me is like, Mel, this is your MOTHER, you should love her, no matter what, she'll always be your mother, and you'll always love her. But I don't want to get hurt again. I'd much rather not know where she is, or have anything to do with her, becuase she obviously didn't want anything to do with me.