dont tell me its not worth trying for...
At one point in my life I thought I was happy. I thought I was happy being single and living without him. At one point I thought it would be best for both of us for this to happen. Knowing that neither one of us would last through college. We couldnt last 100 miles away from each other. We just werent ready, we were unprepared. Seeing this I did what I thought was best, I ended something that made me so happy yet so angry.Something that got me through a lot of shit. Something that made me realize who I wanted to be in life. Something that helped me push towards my dreams. Then i backed out, I realized then that I could do it. I had my fun and I realized that HE was the one I wanted forever. Not just for now or later or whenever, FOREVER. I didnt realize some of the shit that I have done in the past 3 months til I had a talk. A talk where everything was the truth and nothing less. A talk that meant the world to me. For once we were being honest with each other. Granted his honesty hurt me in the end. Not knowing if that is really how he felt. If he really did still love me. It hurts to think that he will only love me as a friend and nothing more. Because I know we can work out. As long as we are both honest with each other I know everything will be okay. hell i've done so much these past months out of hopeful thinking. thinking if i never went back to school him and I might get closer again, hah, he never wants to hang out with me. then i thought "hey they need nurses, theres a shortage" so i applied to nursing school. Have a test to take and they need to look at my transcripts and then hopefully i am in. Well I realized that night that the only 2 reasons I did it was because I want to be one and because I know that if we ever worked out again we wouldnt struggle. We wouldnt have to worry about paying bills, buying food and having a good time. Then I think of how ridiculous that is. Why do I still sit here waiting for him. Why do i keep holding on to something that has died, that has been dead for 7 months. I can probably go back farther that 7 months because he obviously wasnt feeling it when we tried it out again. Nope he went to something better.
Something better. I thought I was good for him. I thought I was good to him, way more than good. I gave him anything he ever wanted, granted I made mistakes but I realized them the 2nd time around. I realized he had to make himself happy and being with her obviously made him happy. I didnt try to change him though. And self consciously he was changing for her. Whether he wants to admit or not he was. But yeah I thought i was good enough, i guess that was in the past. Everything between him and I is in the past. If only i could keep it that way in my head.
I still pull out the ring, and put it on my finger and dream about what it would be like. What it would feel like to have him in my life again. But i know that if I cant have him like that I will have to settle and be his friend. My head is all bunches of fucked up right now. The events of friday night fucked with my thoughts way too much. I dont think I had a good cry like that in a while. But shit happens and theres nothing you can do about it. I dont want to sound cliche but god obviously knows what he's doing and everything happens for a reason. I just wish I knew what friday nights reason was. either for me to say im fuckin over this shit or him to say wow.....wont finish that. Anyways. I think i am done typing and done talking about pointless shit that doesnt matter anymre. All i can say and leave with is I know what was said and all i can think is that getting drunk brings out the truth. So im gonna sit and think that what was said was the truth and how he really feels, but still not really try to take it too much to heart. UGH!!! peace out
Something better. I thought I was good for him. I thought I was good to him, way more than good. I gave him anything he ever wanted, granted I made mistakes but I realized them the 2nd time around. I realized he had to make himself happy and being with her obviously made him happy. I didnt try to change him though. And self consciously he was changing for her. Whether he wants to admit or not he was. But yeah I thought i was good enough, i guess that was in the past. Everything between him and I is in the past. If only i could keep it that way in my head.
I still pull out the ring, and put it on my finger and dream about what it would be like. What it would feel like to have him in my life again. But i know that if I cant have him like that I will have to settle and be his friend. My head is all bunches of fucked up right now. The events of friday night fucked with my thoughts way too much. I dont think I had a good cry like that in a while. But shit happens and theres nothing you can do about it. I dont want to sound cliche but god obviously knows what he's doing and everything happens for a reason. I just wish I knew what friday nights reason was. either for me to say im fuckin over this shit or him to say wow.....wont finish that. Anyways. I think i am done typing and done talking about pointless shit that doesnt matter anymre. All i can say and leave with is I know what was said and all i can think is that getting drunk brings out the truth. So im gonna sit and think that what was said was the truth and how he really feels, but still not really try to take it too much to heart. UGH!!! peace out