minstal | as close as you'll get
Title: As Close As You'll Get
Pairing: Minho/Krystal
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: G
wordcount: 1432
for bollywoodrecord
Whenever Soojung misses him, she starts to write a list. It doesn’t matter how many times she has done it before. If she starts thinking about him - about how he is back at home, or in Japan, or in Taiwan - she starts writing a list of all the things she misses about him. When she starts wondering if he’s thinking about her, or if he’s worried about Taemin, or if he’s wishing his Super Junior hyungs luck - Soojung writes a list of all the things that he could be worried about.
Soojung has written a lot of lists about Minho. The problem though, isn’t that she has written a lot of lists.
The problem is that she writes them.
It breaks Jinri’s heart to see her friend like this, pining and hurting but never showing it. It only seeps through, little by little in all the lists that she sees Soojung write. Some, Soojung writes in between schedules, when Sunyoung and Yiyun are nodding off in the back of the van and Song Qian is too busy fiddling with her fingers out of nervousness and worry. Other times, Soojung seems to be mouthing numbers but most of all, she writes. Every complete list is torn out of the notebook and ripped, scrunched up, disposed of, as if she is trying to get rid of the worries and concerns that the lists are born from. Missing somebody is a painful thing, Jinri knows, but she doesn’t know how to help.
“He’s coming back tomorrow morning. You can stop writing.”
Soojung clicks the pen once when she looks up. She bites her lip, eyes calm, “I know,” she says, and goes back to finishing off the last sentence before she tears it out of her notebook.
Jinri sits cross-legged against the wall, watching as the paper is ripped into shreds and tossed in the bin, “How can you do that?”
“Do what?”
Jinri points to the bin, where the paper is, “That. Rip up your feelings.”
Soojung thinks about it for a moment, eyes flickering over to the bin. Her thoughts swirl around the list she had just written. “I never actually thought of it that way.” It’s easier if you don’t think. Vent, then get rid of it. Then hope that all will be well.
Jinri understands that but that doesn’t mean she agrees with it. “They’re still important feelings. Do you really want to throw it away?”
“It hurts though,” Soojung tells her, “I just want to get rid of that.”
The two of them stay up together, practising the same dance, the same lines until they lie down on the floor, chests rising and falling with each heavy breath. Both of them are waiting for their nerves to settle. Seeing somebody after a month of separation isn’t an easy thing to do. “They arrive at four, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think they’ve changed much?”
Soojung doubts that a month can lead to any large changes, but you never know.
They are told of a joint stage and for a moment, Soojung rejoices. Nothing quite coherent manages to find its way through in Soojung’s mind, instead, she settles for smiling non-stop for the rest of the day, even as Yiyun asks her if she’s still sane in English.
Soojung just nods, in case all the happiness that has built up in her for the past few hours rushes out.
The stage passes, and she still hasn’t told him.
It’s getting to a point where it’s both ridiculous and dangerous, only Soojung doesn’t know how she’s supposed to break out of that situation she’s created for herself. As much as she’d like to, she doubts that she has the strength that will allow her to move forward.
“You aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t tell him.” Jinri says when they arrive at the dorms, hoodies pulled over their heads, praying that there isn’t anybody waiting for them at the front door.
Soojung knows that Jinri has good advice sometimes, and this is one of them. Still, good advice had to be followed to get somebody out of the well they’ve fallen into, and Soojung isn’t good at following advice. “I don’t think I’m up for that.” She never has been, right from day one. Minho, brimming with confidence and determination to conquer anything that comes into his way. Then there was her, somebody who didn’t know how to say what she really wanted to express and was almost always driving herself into the ground out of good intentions.
Jinri nods, pushing open the door and slipping out of her flats in one fluid motion. “What with you and your malfunctioning wiring between your mouth and brain.”
Soojung manages to laugh at that. “Yeah, that.” It’s true though and it doesn’t seem fixable.
“You’ll find a way, and really, you’ve got to try at least.”
At least.
Somehow, Soojung can’t settle for that.
December makes its entrance into her life and the snow starts falling. December is also when everything they have done in the past year seems to culminate. End of year performances one after the other, dances to practise over and over.
People to see, perhaps over and over.
“Soojung!”
There’s only one person who calls her that outside of f(x) who isn’t her family. “Minho oppa.” The words still slip out and they always seem to make him smile like nothing else does (or maybe she’s delusional). “Hi,” she says, a smile coming to her lips.
“Hey, how have you been?”
She looks him over, still tall, still impossibly handsome. “I’ve been okay.” Writing lists about you like an addict of some kind. “What about you?”
He lazily slings an arm over her shoulders and they continue on their way down the hallway for they are conveniently heading the same way, it seems, “Japan isn’t for me?”
Soojung laughs at him, she has missed this happiness, “I thought you’d like to take over the world.”
“The world?” He just smiles, a tired kind of smile that Soojung wishes that she didn’t have to see, “No, I’m not good enough for the world.”
She sees it right there, the reason why they can’t be together. Something she’s known for a long time, ever since she ran into him one afternoon when they were both nobodies to the world. Soojung can see it right in front of her, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. That there’s a distance between them, spreading endlessly before them.
Because Minho isn’t good enough.
Just knowing that kills her inside.
Soojung has seen it, Minho stepping out of the building, leaning against the steel railing, head hanging low. Even sitting against the concrete walls. She’s seen more than enough of it and she knows what he feels. Why isn’t he good enough? Why is he always the one who doesn’t have enough talent, the face, just only barely reaching the standards set?
“You’re amazing, Soojung,” he had said after her stage with Key. And he wasn’t talking about that stage in particular. It was everything. Everything. Better than me was probably what he had to hold back from saying.
‘Sherlock’ proves to be an amazing comeback for SHINee and Soojung rushes to congratulate them, only to find Minho absent. The other members are together, cross-legged after running through the choreography. Soojung finds Minho in one of the few classrooms, windows pulled open and curtains pushed apart.
“Why aren’t you practising?”
He glances back at her, “I’m taking a break.”
“A break.”
“Yes, a break.” There’s a hint of a smile in his eyes, but Soojung can’t seem to find the energy to respond to it. Nor can she find the willingness to lie.
“It looks like more than a break to me.”
They end up side by side, cold air hitting their bare skin. No more words leave their mouths and they just listen, together, to the sounds of the city. Of cars and trains speeding through the streets and on the rails. Of honking. Lights flicker before them and the sky turns a deeper and darker blue.
“You’re amazing, you know.” This is the second time and even though it should feel good to hear those words, they’re like knives digging into her heart.
Soojung’s too scared to look at him, but she still manages to find the words. “You’re amazing too. You have no idea.”
Their fingertips touch and as her heart shudders to a stop, Soojung wonders if this is the closest that they will get.
“Thank you.”
Pairing: Minho/Krystal
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: G
wordcount: 1432
for bollywoodrecord
Whenever Soojung misses him, she starts to write a list. It doesn’t matter how many times she has done it before. If she starts thinking about him - about how he is back at home, or in Japan, or in Taiwan - she starts writing a list of all the things she misses about him. When she starts wondering if he’s thinking about her, or if he’s worried about Taemin, or if he’s wishing his Super Junior hyungs luck - Soojung writes a list of all the things that he could be worried about.
Soojung has written a lot of lists about Minho. The problem though, isn’t that she has written a lot of lists.
The problem is that she writes them.
It breaks Jinri’s heart to see her friend like this, pining and hurting but never showing it. It only seeps through, little by little in all the lists that she sees Soojung write. Some, Soojung writes in between schedules, when Sunyoung and Yiyun are nodding off in the back of the van and Song Qian is too busy fiddling with her fingers out of nervousness and worry. Other times, Soojung seems to be mouthing numbers but most of all, she writes. Every complete list is torn out of the notebook and ripped, scrunched up, disposed of, as if she is trying to get rid of the worries and concerns that the lists are born from. Missing somebody is a painful thing, Jinri knows, but she doesn’t know how to help.
“He’s coming back tomorrow morning. You can stop writing.”
Soojung clicks the pen once when she looks up. She bites her lip, eyes calm, “I know,” she says, and goes back to finishing off the last sentence before she tears it out of her notebook.
Jinri sits cross-legged against the wall, watching as the paper is ripped into shreds and tossed in the bin, “How can you do that?”
“Do what?”
Jinri points to the bin, where the paper is, “That. Rip up your feelings.”
Soojung thinks about it for a moment, eyes flickering over to the bin. Her thoughts swirl around the list she had just written. “I never actually thought of it that way.” It’s easier if you don’t think. Vent, then get rid of it. Then hope that all will be well.
Jinri understands that but that doesn’t mean she agrees with it. “They’re still important feelings. Do you really want to throw it away?”
“It hurts though,” Soojung tells her, “I just want to get rid of that.”
The two of them stay up together, practising the same dance, the same lines until they lie down on the floor, chests rising and falling with each heavy breath. Both of them are waiting for their nerves to settle. Seeing somebody after a month of separation isn’t an easy thing to do. “They arrive at four, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think they’ve changed much?”
Soojung doubts that a month can lead to any large changes, but you never know.
They are told of a joint stage and for a moment, Soojung rejoices. Nothing quite coherent manages to find its way through in Soojung’s mind, instead, she settles for smiling non-stop for the rest of the day, even as Yiyun asks her if she’s still sane in English.
Soojung just nods, in case all the happiness that has built up in her for the past few hours rushes out.
The stage passes, and she still hasn’t told him.
It’s getting to a point where it’s both ridiculous and dangerous, only Soojung doesn’t know how she’s supposed to break out of that situation she’s created for herself. As much as she’d like to, she doubts that she has the strength that will allow her to move forward.
“You aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t tell him.” Jinri says when they arrive at the dorms, hoodies pulled over their heads, praying that there isn’t anybody waiting for them at the front door.
Soojung knows that Jinri has good advice sometimes, and this is one of them. Still, good advice had to be followed to get somebody out of the well they’ve fallen into, and Soojung isn’t good at following advice. “I don’t think I’m up for that.” She never has been, right from day one. Minho, brimming with confidence and determination to conquer anything that comes into his way. Then there was her, somebody who didn’t know how to say what she really wanted to express and was almost always driving herself into the ground out of good intentions.
Jinri nods, pushing open the door and slipping out of her flats in one fluid motion. “What with you and your malfunctioning wiring between your mouth and brain.”
Soojung manages to laugh at that. “Yeah, that.” It’s true though and it doesn’t seem fixable.
“You’ll find a way, and really, you’ve got to try at least.”
At least.
Somehow, Soojung can’t settle for that.
December makes its entrance into her life and the snow starts falling. December is also when everything they have done in the past year seems to culminate. End of year performances one after the other, dances to practise over and over.
People to see, perhaps over and over.
“Soojung!”
There’s only one person who calls her that outside of f(x) who isn’t her family. “Minho oppa.” The words still slip out and they always seem to make him smile like nothing else does (or maybe she’s delusional). “Hi,” she says, a smile coming to her lips.
“Hey, how have you been?”
She looks him over, still tall, still impossibly handsome. “I’ve been okay.” Writing lists about you like an addict of some kind. “What about you?”
He lazily slings an arm over her shoulders and they continue on their way down the hallway for they are conveniently heading the same way, it seems, “Japan isn’t for me?”
Soojung laughs at him, she has missed this happiness, “I thought you’d like to take over the world.”
“The world?” He just smiles, a tired kind of smile that Soojung wishes that she didn’t have to see, “No, I’m not good enough for the world.”
She sees it right there, the reason why they can’t be together. Something she’s known for a long time, ever since she ran into him one afternoon when they were both nobodies to the world. Soojung can see it right in front of her, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. That there’s a distance between them, spreading endlessly before them.
Because Minho isn’t good enough.
Just knowing that kills her inside.
Soojung has seen it, Minho stepping out of the building, leaning against the steel railing, head hanging low. Even sitting against the concrete walls. She’s seen more than enough of it and she knows what he feels. Why isn’t he good enough? Why is he always the one who doesn’t have enough talent, the face, just only barely reaching the standards set?
“You’re amazing, Soojung,” he had said after her stage with Key. And he wasn’t talking about that stage in particular. It was everything. Everything. Better than me was probably what he had to hold back from saying.
‘Sherlock’ proves to be an amazing comeback for SHINee and Soojung rushes to congratulate them, only to find Minho absent. The other members are together, cross-legged after running through the choreography. Soojung finds Minho in one of the few classrooms, windows pulled open and curtains pushed apart.
“Why aren’t you practising?”
He glances back at her, “I’m taking a break.”
“A break.”
“Yes, a break.” There’s a hint of a smile in his eyes, but Soojung can’t seem to find the energy to respond to it. Nor can she find the willingness to lie.
“It looks like more than a break to me.”
They end up side by side, cold air hitting their bare skin. No more words leave their mouths and they just listen, together, to the sounds of the city. Of cars and trains speeding through the streets and on the rails. Of honking. Lights flicker before them and the sky turns a deeper and darker blue.
“You’re amazing, you know.” This is the second time and even though it should feel good to hear those words, they’re like knives digging into her heart.
Soojung’s too scared to look at him, but she still manages to find the words. “You’re amazing too. You have no idea.”
Their fingertips touch and as her heart shudders to a stop, Soojung wonders if this is the closest that they will get.
“Thank you.”