naruhina | ache
naruto/hinata; 2545
this is the moment this oneshot came about
It’s a whirlwind.
That’s what Hinata thinks it comes to Naruto. Something wild, exciting, uncontrollable, but also refreshing somehow. He’s always been moving forward, bright-eyed and optimistic. Unfaltering. She got caught up in that, a dandelion seed caught on a lifting breeze.
But she knows it’s not just that. He told her that too once, sitting on the dock, “You’ve always believed in me.”
It doesn’t downplay the importance of his connections - friends that used to be bullies or ignored him, shopkeepers that turned him away, teachers that gave up on him before later lifting him up as a role model - relationships change, people understand each other better. The village has made space for him finally, after he spent his youth desperately carving one out.
But Hinata had always had a place for him.
It’s something that she thinks about telling him sometimes - that she has noticed him, thought of him, believed in him. She remembers the first time she encountered him, villagers whispering and giving him a wide birth. She remembers sitting up, teary-eyed and numb at the fingertips as the other boys tore up his scarf. Always, her heart ached for him.
The ache for a friend in pain. The ache where she so badly wanted to lift him out of his darkness, but felt powerless to help him, protect him, or heal him.
Perhaps that would be what described her best - ache. She ached so much to be stronger, braver, more courageous so that she could face him and stand beside him. She wanted to look into his eyes and hold her gaze. She ached so much for him to notice her and acknowledge her. She ached because she wanted to be better and fight harder, but she always felt like she was catching up, chasing. But even more so, she ached because she didn’t want to see him hurt.
That had always been her weakness - she cared. She ached and felt so strongly the pain of those dear to her. She fought, not for herself, but to protect and defend those she cared for. Hinata wanted to be stronger, but it was never for her own sake.
She could see that herself when she thought about facing up to Pain when Naruto was pinned down. It was a great leap of faith - to stand, to fight, to confess. They talked about it later on, long grass sweeping against their cheeks, tickling bare skin as they lay down together, fingers loosely entwined. He wondered aloud - how she must have felt? How brave she was to do that for him.
She had turned to him and held his hand a little tighter - she was so incredibly scared. Bravery is not the absence of fear.
He pulled her into his arms.
Hinata always felt awash - carried away - lost in these moments with him. Naruto was gentle in his own way - ocean waves dragging her out. He acted and spoke at his own pace, listened intently, and sometimes his gaze wandered. But he always returned and tried to find the best way that he could to heal her - often clumsy, but infinitely well-intentioned. He was always able to comfort Hinata and guide her uneasy heart.
Hinata smiles when she contemplates what their friends must think of them. She imagines that some of them - perhaps the ones with some more insight, Sakura, Shikamaru - would be able to see that dynamic between them. Naruto isn’t thoughtless or simple-minded, rather he thinks a lot, but he struggles to find the right words. He is not always the loud, cheerful hero of Konoha. Step by step, every moment they shared piling up - Hinata found that Naruto was unravelling with her.
Their first few months as an item was a montage of sunsets. Naruto had a particular affinity for high places - but particularly those where he could gaze out across the village and point out places and times and memories. It would always be a little bit of a surprise when he’d drag her on these outings.
He would appear before her - having tracked her down after dinner with the Hyuuga family, or perhaps after a mission debriefing, or after a girls’ lunch - and insist that she follow him. That he’s got something new and incredible to show her. He’d barely listen to a response before taking her hand. After a repeat of this process across many weeks, Hinata started to wonder if the volume of his grand invitations was just a reflection of his nerves.
It was never completely new, but always incredible. Gazing out across the village, she felt that Naruto was sharing fragments of his heart. Like ocean spray, gently engulfing.
There was a particular sunset, low-hanging clouds illuminated in purple, where Naruto just held her hand. As the sun turned red as it met the horizon, he turned to her and gently drew her in. Hinata had noticed him blushing, and had taken some silent satisfaction in that before flushing her own shades of red. She remembers forgetting to breathe, then his hand on her waist as she leaned into his warmth.
He murmured something - along the lines of I don’t deserve you - and she ached. The boy she admired, chased, and the man he had become - she could still hear his hurt. He still bore wounds that hadn’t closed, and she wondered what she could do to heal him.
He sees her off on her mission the next morning, just nonchalant, as though this was completely normal and Hinata wasn’t blushing while her teammates looked on. She searches his eyes for any signs of unrest and can’t see what it was he was feeling last night. He carelessly distracts her with a peck on the cheek.
He disappears again.
Returning, Hinata skips out on the debriefing entirely. Hinata doesn’t give anybody a chance to direct her to the hospital for a check-up (she’s not bleeding anymore, so she’s fine, really). She races, leaping across rooftops, until she lands by Naruto’s apartment window. It occurs to her suddenly, that the hero of Konoha still lives in the outskirts of town. She forges forward, not giving herself time to worry about the indecency, the outrageous forwardness of her actions, and knocks on the glass.
He lights up as he throws the window open, shocked, but overjoyed. It eases her to see him smile - it surprises her as he pulls her in and holds her tight in his embrace. She hadn’t really thought about it before - how it felt to be held by him. Firm, warm, unwavering. She closes her eyes and leans into him, breathing deep - how she had worried about him, how dearly she had missed him in her short time away -
He gasps, coming to his senses and realising that Hinata was still fully equipped, scrolls and kunai weighing her down, vest dirty - and bloody. He makes a quick evaluation of her physical condition - some surface scratches and grazes (nothing major), she is favouring one leg over another, and god knows what else she is hiding.
He sweeps her up and rushes out in the direction of the hospital, telling her off. Somewhere along the way between rooftops, he tells her that she’s a fool - baka.
She looks up at him and laughs quietly - no, you are.
She feels his grip on her tighten, and she reaches up to hold onto him in response. His eyes are steady, trained on his destination as he urgently delivers his beloved to safety. And yet, Hinata thinks, smiling, she is already safe.
That feeling never goes away so long as Naruto is by her side.
Nurses tell him to stay out of her room while they tend to her, they repeat that visiting hours are over, and that Hinata is not in critical condition - far from it - all she needs to do is rest. She can hear him exclaiming why can’t he just stay a bit later, he’s worried, he needs to see her - oblivious to the fact that he’s just been seeing her for the past seven hours or so. She catches a glimpse of his displeased expression - scowling a little, as though he is an upset child again. His eyes flicker across and he sees her watching - Hinata can’t help smiling. It’s okay, she thinks, hoping that he’ll get the message, I’ll be alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.
He appears at her window the second the hospital is officially open the next morning, and gestures for Hinata to let him in. Hinata raises herself up into a seated position, wincing as her leg delivers bursts of pain as it shifts position. She wonders if Naruto had retained any of the information from the doctors yesterday - Hinata is in no condition to quickly go to the window to let him in.
Hinata barely finishes that thought when Sakura appears and slides open the window herself, exasperated. She ignores Naruto who finds a spot on a stool as she begins asking Hinata about her condition. They go over her chart, listing all the injuries they had taken note of the day before. Hinata’s surface injuries had been healed, while her left leg bore some more extensive wounds that needed more time. Sakura offered to speed up that process for her, but Hinata shook her head - “I’m sure you have some more serious injuries to deal with, Sakura-san. But thank you.”
Sakura looked slightly uncomfortable, torn between providing for a friend and maintaining her professionalism and allocating her resources appropriately. Hinata encouraged the latter, “It’s fine, I could do with another day in bed.”
Naruto is surprisingly shy, somehow, as he waits for Sakura to leave before he repositions himself beside Hinata. “That sounded serious.”
Hinata can’t help but make light of the situation, now that she is the one being worried about, “You should’ve seen the other guy.”
He doesn’t laugh, and Hinata thinks he usually laughs easily. “I don’t like seeing you hurt.”
Hinata wonders what his motivations are. She knows that he cares so much, that he has always fought hard and struggled harder so he can protect the people that he loves. He will throw himself into battle, ignoring his own safety, forgetting that someone loves him dearly and hates seeing him torn up on behalf of others too.
She wonders why it is that he can’t see that what she’s doing right now, making light of her injuries, fighting to defend her village, her friends, her family - is exactly what he’s been doing all along. She wonders where it was along the way that he had allowed his own happiness and wellbeing to become an afterthought. “I don't like seeing you hurt either,” she murmurs.
They both don’t really know what to say after that, because they understand the difficult positions they find themselves in. They are both too stubborn, and they hurt each other in the same way. Hinata reaches out for his hand and they just sit that way, not really knowing what else to do or say.
Naruto walks Hinata home from the hospital the next morning.
She can tell that he doesn’t know what to say. It isn’t that he’s acting any differently - he is keen to see her still, the first one through the door, and clearly eager to see Hinata discharged. She appreciates that too - that he has confidence in her strength, and he wants to enjoy their time together. It’s one of the worldly problems of being a ninja - you never know when your next mission is, and even though this was truer years ago than now, you never knew for sure if you’d come back alive.
They understand that well, and yet, they still can’t come to an understanding.
Their conversation goes through the usual motions, “do you know when you’re heading out next?”
Naruto shrugs, shifting the position of Hinata’s bag on his shoulders, “no idea - I think they’re keeping me too cooped up to be honest.”
Hinata wonders if he understands the unique position he is in. He is too important to go on most missions. It isn’t really a question of whether he is capable, it’s that he serves a different purpose in this world now. Increasingly, Kakashi is holding Naruto back from missions unless there is no other way. Naruto is an asset suited for situations of great uncertainty, and thus great risk. He is suitable if there are political interests to sway, of course under the watchful guidance of somebody better with words.
“- I hope they’d keep you home more though.” Hinata blinked upon hearing him say that.
She hesitated, “… Why?”
They stop walking, and a sparrow darts between the electrical wires overhead. Naruto sighs, scratching his head instinctively, “I worry when you’re away.”
Hinata takes a moment, wondering if she feels angry, belittled, or touched. Either way, she blushes, and averts her gaze, unsure where else to place it.
“It’s not that I don’t think you’ll be okay-“ his pace is picking up, he can sense her bristling, “-it’s just that I think about you a lot when you’re away.” He pauses to think, like they tell you to do in the academy when you’re looking for the right answer, “Like, I believe in your ability, and your strength. You’re so smart - so much more than me - and you know what you’re doing out there -“ he’s starting to gesture now, “but I can’t help thinking about what if there’s something out there, or something happens that nobody’s been expecting.” He swallows, stepping closer and grasping her hands, “… and what if for some reason you don’t come home?”
Hinata feels that prickly, burning feeling in her nose - she squeezes her eyes shut, “but that’s exactly what I think about you.” She refuses to open them, because she knows what is happening and she hates to think that she might look weak or little or too emotional, but this is also just how she feels. “Every time you yelled that you’re going on another ridiculous high level mission or jumped into battle - no matter how strong you are - no matter what new technique you mastered - I worried.” She can’t breathe properly now, she really doesn’t like it - “I don’t know if everyone - and maybe you - got used to you being so strong and almost invincible - like no matter what happened you’d bounce back - or there’d be some miracle and it didn’t matter -“ she gasps for air, and opens her eyes to find things blurry, “- but I worried. I couldn’t -“
He embraces her, bundling her up in his arms so she can cry into his jacket.
“- I can’t lose you.”
She feels everything tighten, and his chest heaves against hers. “Naruto -“
“I’m going to do better, Hinata.”
She sniffles, and they pull apart a little so she can look at him properly.
He’s smiling, but it’s not the same eyes-right-ahead-and-fearless look that he’s been giving his teammates for years. “Things are different now. I’m not going to do reckless and stupid things anymore. I know better.”
Hinata nods, blinking out a few tears.
“I have someone to come home to now.”
She cries even more now, but her heart, it doesn’t ache anymore.