(no subject)
Recently I've discovered so much about myself, and many of the things I've learned I'm not happy with. There are so many things I have to come to terms with, no matter how hard they may be. For the last month and a half I've been in self denial of so many things that I didn't want to accept about who I am and who I've become, but I realize now that I have to face some of those insecurities. It's time for me to come clean.
The most important thing I've learned is that I don't love myself, at least not the extent that a person should. For so long I put up a façade that I was self confident and self assured, but I realize now that assurance wasn't drawn from my own strength. I've been selfishly drawing strength from other people and I've been measuring my self worth by how much those people love me and by how much they would do for me. Lately people have been telling me that they envisioned me as strong and self reliant, but when you strip it all away, the truth is I'm just helpless and insecure. With this realization, not only have I recognized that I am far from independent, but I've also discovered the extent of my reliance on other people. For five years I've been in back to back long term relationships and gradually I learned to expect significant others to take care of me. At times, it wasn't even about who that person was, it was about what that person could and would do for me. I became addicted, not so much to them, but to their emotional support and to the power I had over them. I was drawn to the security of knowing that there was a person who was exclusively for me. For five consecutive years I've never had to be alone nor have I had to depend on myself. But I'm determined to end the cycle here. I can't afford to latch on to people any longer, I need to learn to take care of myself and love myself. Until that happens, until I'm able to be on my own, it's impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship.
I realize putting this all out in the open and leaving it for the public to read leaves me in a completely vulnerable position, but I think this is what I need to do. I'm not doing this for my ex boyfriends, for my friends, or even for my enemies. This is just my way of coming to terms with me. No more hiding, no more denying, just simple honesty.
The most important thing I've learned is that I don't love myself, at least not the extent that a person should. For so long I put up a façade that I was self confident and self assured, but I realize now that assurance wasn't drawn from my own strength. I've been selfishly drawing strength from other people and I've been measuring my self worth by how much those people love me and by how much they would do for me. Lately people have been telling me that they envisioned me as strong and self reliant, but when you strip it all away, the truth is I'm just helpless and insecure. With this realization, not only have I recognized that I am far from independent, but I've also discovered the extent of my reliance on other people. For five years I've been in back to back long term relationships and gradually I learned to expect significant others to take care of me. At times, it wasn't even about who that person was, it was about what that person could and would do for me. I became addicted, not so much to them, but to their emotional support and to the power I had over them. I was drawn to the security of knowing that there was a person who was exclusively for me. For five consecutive years I've never had to be alone nor have I had to depend on myself. But I'm determined to end the cycle here. I can't afford to latch on to people any longer, I need to learn to take care of myself and love myself. Until that happens, until I'm able to be on my own, it's impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship.
I realize putting this all out in the open and leaving it for the public to read leaves me in a completely vulnerable position, but I think this is what I need to do. I'm not doing this for my ex boyfriends, for my friends, or even for my enemies. This is just my way of coming to terms with me. No more hiding, no more denying, just simple honesty.