Heels Over Head [3/3]
Title: Heels Over Head [3/3]
Author: meiloslyther
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Attempted suicide
Pairing: Established Jondon; platonic Brencer and Spyro
POV: 3rd, omniscient
Summary: Brendon and Jon have been together for a little over a year. Brendon's been fooling around with Ryan for about the same amount of time. Split-fic.
Word Count: 3,023 [this part]; 9,038 [total]
Disclaimer: Entirely created from the recesses of my own diseased and fragmented brain case. This is what snorting word dust will do to you. :D Oh, and don't Google yourselves. Ever.
Beta: phoenix_vixen
Author Notes: Final part!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Playlist | The Mix
Brendon woke up alone, the expanse of bed at his side cold. Spencer had taken to sleeping with Brendon to comfort him into sleep, calm him after he woke up from a nightmare, and drag him out of bed to actually do something every morning. Spencer rarely left him alone, too worried about what Brendon would do to himself if he didn't have constant social contact.
'Paranoia' wasn't the right word, but it was the first word that came to mind.
However, Brendon almost felt relieved as he searched the house to find it completely empty. Going back into his bedroom, he grabbed a note from under his mattress and locked himself in the bathroom.
If it wasn't for Spencer, he would have done this a long time ago.
Brendon knew he didn't have much time, knowing Spencer, so he turned the faucet in the tub on full blast, trying to fill it as quickly as possible. He tugged off his boxers and shuffled through the medicine drawer, looking for the prescription bottle he had found the week before. He grinned to himself a little bit as he pulled out the bottle of Xanax, uncapping it and downing the whole bottle, coughing as he struggled to get them all down.
By then the tub had filled, so he made sure to hide the empty prescription bottle back in the drawer and strategically place his note next to the sink before shutting off the faucet and climbing in, sinking down in the hot water.
How long would Spencer be gone? Would he come back before the drugs could set in? Before he could sink into the water and pretend he was a fish? Before he could black out and stop breathing altogether? Would Spencer find him in time to be able to save him?
Brendon certainly hoped not.
It seemed like forever before he started to feel drowsy, and he finally let his eyes close, allowing the combination of his body weight and gravity to drag him underwater. His body fought hard against him, but he finally couldn't hold his breath anymore, gasping in a mouthful of water instead of air.
He heard a garbled scream of his name, and then nothing.
***
To Spencer, since you'll probably find this first.
Please don't be mad at me.
You were there for me when no one else was. I know how hard you worked for me, I know what you went through for me. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me.
I'm sorry to say that it wasn't enough.
Please know that I love you and I'm more sorry about having to leave you than anything else in my entire life. I just wished more people could be like you.
Please send the two enclosed notes to Ryan and Jon. Tell my parents I love them. You know, the usual.
Now, I know you're either about to cry, Spence, or you already are. That's fine. You have every right. But you'll have to be strong for everyone else. I know that's a lot to ask, but I know you can do it. You're Spencer fucking Smith.
Why else would I trust you to find this first?
Love always and forever,
Bden.
***
To Ryan.
I'll always miss you; the way you smell, the way you feel, how your dorky grin always makes me laugh. You grabbed me by the hand and dragged me into the spotlight, and for that I am forever grateful. You grabbed me by the heart, albeit a little too late, and dragged me to bed. Not that I blame you for it. I just couldn't control myself around you.
I wanted you ever since I laid eyes on you.
You were my hero, Ryan. You pulled me out of my miserable teenage existence and held me up on a pedestal I didn't know I deserved. I thought I loved you at that point.
I was too afraid to tell you how I felt.
If you had been so open back then, maybe this fiasco would have never happened. Then again, maybe something worse would have. No one will ever know.
I honestly never wanted to hurt you. Any of you.
I guess I did anyway.
But whatever you do now, Ry, don't bottle this up. Even if it's the crappiest lyrics you've ever written, write a song about me. No really, I mean it. Write a song about me and sing it, with all of your heart. And if you cry a little on the way, that's okay. Just sing.
I'll be listening.
Love,
Bden.
***
To Jon, the absolute love of my life.
It pains me to acknowledge that this is your fault.
I loved you ever since that night we first smoked up together. Do you remember that? You fell in my lap and just lay there all night. I couldn't stop touching your hair, your face. I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I didn't know how you would take that, stoned or not.
I was so happy the first time you ever kissed me. Do you remember that? It was after that November show in New York just after you joined us. I knew you had been staring at me the whole night, so I went up to you, but before I could even say or do anything you grabbed my face and kissed me. You ran your hands down my sides to my hips, around to my ass. I didn't want to let go of you, didn't want to ever stop kissing you.
And then when you asked me out. Do you remember that? Midnight on Christmas Eve and you called me up from Chicago to say Merry Christmas even though it was only ten there. You asked if I would be bothered if you came down to stay with me for a couple of days. I said it would be fine, so you came down Christmas day. Do you remember what you gave me? It was a silly little red teddy bear. I still have it; it's in my closet at this very moment. After you gave it to me, you took my hand and asked if I would be your boyfriend.
And I said yes, I would be your world if you asked.
The first time we had sex was probably the best night of my life. Do you remember that? Middle of fucking nowhere England in a crappy motel, two guys to a room, sheets that smelled like mothballs and feet. But you didn't care one bit; you made the sweetest, gentlest love to me that night, and afterwards I fell asleep curled up in your arms.
And just so you know, I was a virgin when that happened. I didn't start cheating on you until a few months later.
For that part, I truly am sorry. Ryan tried to stop me several times, but it became a habit, a bad habit. An addiction I couldn't kick. I wanted everything, all the time. You should be glad I didn't go to anyone else, that I stuck to someone I knew, someone safe and clean. Someone I cared about, although not nearly as much as you.
I just want you to know that I love you, Jon. I do. I really, really do, and I'm not just saying that because I'm killing myself and I want you to feel guilty. I kind of do want you to feel guilty, but that's just me being angry and depressed.
I love you, Jon. I love you with all of my heart.
And I just couldn't live without you.
Until we meet again and then for eternity afterwards,
Your little bunny,
Bden.
***
Jon stared at the pristine, waxed white and grey speckled linoleum floor of Brendon's ICU room. The doctors had done everything they could to save him - pumped the handful of pills out of his stomach, set him up on oxygen, an IV drip, the works - but the outlook was grim. He was still going in and out of sleep after seven hours and when he was awake he was very disoriented; no one was completely sure if he would have permanent brain damage or not from lack of oxygen.
The doctors called him lucky for having such caring friends like Spencer.
Most people don't live through warm-water drownings.
Spencer quite literally ripped the bathroom door off its hinges after calling 911 and pulled Brendon out of the water, out of the tub. The paramedics said that if he hadn't immediately started mouth-to-mouth, Brendon would have gone into cardiac arrest and probably would have died.
You saved his life, kid, one of them had said, clapping Spencer on the back.
Jon sighed, neatly folding up Brendon's suicide note and putting it back in his shirt pocket. He'd nearly read it a thousand times, and then reread it another thousand. Brendon was blaming him, and after about the third time he read the note, he agreed with him.
When Brendon had said, "I love you," at the airport, he really had meant it.
Jon felt like such a jerk.
"Is he awake?" Spencer questioned in a half whisper, stepping into the room almost silently. Something about the seriousness of the situation made whispering a necessity.
"Not now," Jon muttered back, making himself pay attention to the steady rhythm of Brendon's heart monitor. A straight seventy-five beats per minute for the past twenty minutes, since he fell back to sleep again. "Where'd Ryan make off to?"
Spencer laughed a little, and it brought Jon's spirits up to know that Spencer could still make a joke at a time like this. "He's outside having a smoke, scribbling furiously in his notebook. He really took Brendon's note to heart."
Jon let a small smile turn up the corners of his lips. "He's really writing a song about Brendon?"
"That's what he said. Knowing Ryan, it's gonna be pretty fucking amazing."
Jon nodded his agreement as Spencer sat down in the chair next to him, pulling his phone out to check the time. A nurse making her rounds came in to check on Brendon, scribbling something on her clipboard. She flashed a sympathetic smile at Jon and Spencer as she left.
"Do you blame me for this, Spence?" Jon asked in a mere whisper, his hands clasped together nervously.
Sighing through his nose, Spencer covered Jon's hands with one of his own. "It's as much your fault as it is mine and Ryan's. You may have started it, but we should have stopped it." He glanced over at Brendon, peacefully oblivious in his slumber. "I should have done more."
"You did everything you could," Jon assured him, taking Spencer's hand between his. "Brendon's heart is still beating right now because of you. You saved his life."
Spencer took his hand back to wrap both arms around Jon's neck in a hug. "I'm so sorry about earlier... it's just... Brendon-"
"Shh, I know, Spence, I know," Jon muttered, returning the hug and rubbing soothing circles on Spencer's back.
The two sat there for a long while, just listening to the steady beeping and whirring of the machines in the room. Eventually Ryan returned, his favorite tattered boots clicking sharply against the floor. Jon looked up at the noise, nodding his greeting; Spencer stayed huddled against Jon's chest.
"Hey," Ryan croaked, his voice wrecked from crying and chain smoking for the last hour. "Asleep still, I presume?"
Jon nodded, lifting a hand from Spencer's back to beckon Ryan over. There were only two chairs in the room, so Jon and Spencer sat back and allowed Ryan to stretch out across their laps, his head resting on Spencer's shoulder.
"You know I love you guys, right?" Ryan muttered against Spencer's neck, although in the otherwise quiet room, he was loud enough that if Brendon were awake, he could have heard. "All three of you," he added, as if the idea wasn't obvious.
Spencer hugged Ryan close, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "I know, Ry," he muttered. "I love you, too. And Jon and Brendon."
Jon smiled over at the two younger men, squeezing Ryan's ankle. "You guys are like my family. Brendon..." He looked back at Brendon on the bed, breathing slow and deep, all pale skin and soft features. "Well, you're a little more special, I guess."
"I love you guys too," Brendon whispered hoarsely, causing the other three to jump a little. "More than you'll ever know." He opened his eyes then, blinking around the room before letting his gaze settle on Jon. "Can you ever forgive me for what I've done?"
Jon shoved Ryan's legs off his lap and rushed to Brendon's side, grasping one of his hands and kissing his knuckles before pressing Brendon's palm to his own cheek. "God, Brendon... I'm- I'm just glad you're alive," he breathed, his eyes beginning to water.
Brendon gave a sheepish half-grin. "I'm sorry. I just... didn't know what else to do."
Jon sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned down to press his cheek to Brendon's, hugging him carefully to keep from jostling any tubes or wires. "What did you think I'd do without you? Fuck, I was stupid, okay? I should have listened to you."
"You had every right to do what you did, Jon," Brendon reasoned, wrapping his arms around Jon, also careful of everything he was hooked up to. "I was a total dick to you. You could have done worse."
"I shouldn't have ignored you. I never realized..." Jon paused, taking a deep breath to compose himself. "I didn't believe you."
"I wasn't even sure myself until you said it was over," Brendon admitted, pressing Jon closer. "You never know what you have until it's gone, I guess."
"Or almost gone." Jon pulled back and held Brendon's face in his hands, gently, as if he were made of glass. "Don't ever leave me," he whispered, so quiet he almost couldn't hear himself.
Brendon bit one side of his bottom lip, a smile crinkling his eyes. "I won't if you won't."
Jon surged forward, pressing a heated kiss to Brendon's lips, causing the heart monitor to beep a little faster, his breath coming a little sharper.
Across the room, Ryan pressed a smile into Spencer's neck, still perched on his lap. Spencer just held Ryan closer, letting a relieved sigh ruffle Ryan's hair.
***
"That one right there," Jon was saying, pointing up at the night sky. "That's Draco. And that one over there is Hercules."
"How do you know all this stuff?" Brendon asked, awed. "I just know where the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper is," he added, pointing them both out.
Jon shrugged, mostly useless as he was lying on his back and Brendon couldn't see him, as he was lying with the top of his head to Jon's. "I don't know. I think my mom taught me a lot of it."
Brendon rolled over so that he was on his stomach and looked down at Jon upside down. "I think you're just too awesome for your own good."
Smiling, Jon batted lightly at Brendon's face, and Brendon fell over dramatically before crawling to Jon's side and cuddling close.
"Ever made love under the stars, Jon?" Brendon asked, sounding more young and innocent than seductive, and maybe that's what he was going for.
Jon looked over at Brendon, who was looking back up at him with his big doe eyes shining in the moonlight. "I haven't," he answered truthfully, blinking up at the stars for a moment before letting his eyes fall back on Brendon. "Have you?"
Brendon shook his head, his bangs falling into his eyes.
"Would you like to?"
Brendon grinned deviously. "What if Ryan comes out here?" he asked, mock worried.
"Ryan can suck it, I live here too. Besides, it's nothing he's never seen before anyway." Jon had told Brendon almost immediately after he left the hospital about his stoned escapade with Ryan. "I'll bottom," he added on a breath.
When he mentioned the time with Ryan, he never mentioned who was where, however.
Brendon propped himself up on an elbow to get a better look at Jon's face. "You're serious?" he inquired, eyes wide. "Are you-?"
"I'm sure."
Brendon laughed a little disbelievingly. "Jon, you don't have to, really-"
"I want to," Jon interrupted, brushing the hair out of Brendon's eyes and trailing his hand down Brendon's cheek to his jaw, curling his fingers around the back of his neck. "I really do."
Brendon swallowed and let Jon pull him in for a lazy kiss, keeping things slow and only peeling clothes off when they parted to breathe. Once they were fully naked, Jon took Brendon's hand and sucked on a couple of his fingers, getting them as wet as possible before letting go.
Settling between Jon's legs, Brendon gently eased his boyfriend open with his fingers, pressing soft, loving kisses to every bit of skin he could reach. When Jon urged him on with a slight roll of his hips, Brendon pulled his fingers out and licked his palm, slicking himself.
"Brendon," Jon whimpered as Brendon pushed in, his toes curling in the blanket beneath them.
Brendon choked off a moan as he sunk all the way in, resting his forehead against Jon's collarbone. "Fuck, I've always wanted to do this," he breathed, pressing his fingers into Jon's hips.
One hand wrapped around Brendon's upper arm and the other tangled in his hair, Jon smiled. "Me too; it just took me a while to figure it out."
Brendon lifted his head to smile down at Jon and press a kiss to his cheek. "Don't let the sun come up...," Brendon sang quietly, nuzzling into Jon's neck. He had quickly memorized the song Ryan had written for him, often catching Ryan humming it.
"The ringmaster comes alive in the shadows...," Jon whispered the next line.
"I don't want this night to end..."
"He'll take all our problems to the gallows."
-----------------------------------------
A/N: Anyone recognize the song at the end? It's the one I wrote, The Ringmaster. :D
More of my work here.
Author: meiloslyther
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Attempted suicide
Pairing: Established Jondon; platonic Brencer and Spyro
POV: 3rd, omniscient
Summary: Brendon and Jon have been together for a little over a year. Brendon's been fooling around with Ryan for about the same amount of time. Split-fic.
Word Count: 3,023 [this part]; 9,038 [total]
Disclaimer: Entirely created from the recesses of my own diseased and fragmented brain case. This is what snorting word dust will do to you. :D Oh, and don't Google yourselves. Ever.
Beta: phoenix_vixen
Author Notes: Final part!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Playlist | The Mix
Brendon woke up alone, the expanse of bed at his side cold. Spencer had taken to sleeping with Brendon to comfort him into sleep, calm him after he woke up from a nightmare, and drag him out of bed to actually do something every morning. Spencer rarely left him alone, too worried about what Brendon would do to himself if he didn't have constant social contact.
'Paranoia' wasn't the right word, but it was the first word that came to mind.
However, Brendon almost felt relieved as he searched the house to find it completely empty. Going back into his bedroom, he grabbed a note from under his mattress and locked himself in the bathroom.
If it wasn't for Spencer, he would have done this a long time ago.
Brendon knew he didn't have much time, knowing Spencer, so he turned the faucet in the tub on full blast, trying to fill it as quickly as possible. He tugged off his boxers and shuffled through the medicine drawer, looking for the prescription bottle he had found the week before. He grinned to himself a little bit as he pulled out the bottle of Xanax, uncapping it and downing the whole bottle, coughing as he struggled to get them all down.
By then the tub had filled, so he made sure to hide the empty prescription bottle back in the drawer and strategically place his note next to the sink before shutting off the faucet and climbing in, sinking down in the hot water.
How long would Spencer be gone? Would he come back before the drugs could set in? Before he could sink into the water and pretend he was a fish? Before he could black out and stop breathing altogether? Would Spencer find him in time to be able to save him?
Brendon certainly hoped not.
It seemed like forever before he started to feel drowsy, and he finally let his eyes close, allowing the combination of his body weight and gravity to drag him underwater. His body fought hard against him, but he finally couldn't hold his breath anymore, gasping in a mouthful of water instead of air.
He heard a garbled scream of his name, and then nothing.
***
To Spencer, since you'll probably find this first.
Please don't be mad at me.
You were there for me when no one else was. I know how hard you worked for me, I know what you went through for me. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me.
I'm sorry to say that it wasn't enough.
Please know that I love you and I'm more sorry about having to leave you than anything else in my entire life. I just wished more people could be like you.
Please send the two enclosed notes to Ryan and Jon. Tell my parents I love them. You know, the usual.
Now, I know you're either about to cry, Spence, or you already are. That's fine. You have every right. But you'll have to be strong for everyone else. I know that's a lot to ask, but I know you can do it. You're Spencer fucking Smith.
Why else would I trust you to find this first?
Love always and forever,
Bden.
***
To Ryan.
I'll always miss you; the way you smell, the way you feel, how your dorky grin always makes me laugh. You grabbed me by the hand and dragged me into the spotlight, and for that I am forever grateful. You grabbed me by the heart, albeit a little too late, and dragged me to bed. Not that I blame you for it. I just couldn't control myself around you.
I wanted you ever since I laid eyes on you.
You were my hero, Ryan. You pulled me out of my miserable teenage existence and held me up on a pedestal I didn't know I deserved. I thought I loved you at that point.
I was too afraid to tell you how I felt.
If you had been so open back then, maybe this fiasco would have never happened. Then again, maybe something worse would have. No one will ever know.
I honestly never wanted to hurt you. Any of you.
I guess I did anyway.
But whatever you do now, Ry, don't bottle this up. Even if it's the crappiest lyrics you've ever written, write a song about me. No really, I mean it. Write a song about me and sing it, with all of your heart. And if you cry a little on the way, that's okay. Just sing.
I'll be listening.
Love,
Bden.
***
To Jon, the absolute love of my life.
It pains me to acknowledge that this is your fault.
I loved you ever since that night we first smoked up together. Do you remember that? You fell in my lap and just lay there all night. I couldn't stop touching your hair, your face. I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I didn't know how you would take that, stoned or not.
I was so happy the first time you ever kissed me. Do you remember that? It was after that November show in New York just after you joined us. I knew you had been staring at me the whole night, so I went up to you, but before I could even say or do anything you grabbed my face and kissed me. You ran your hands down my sides to my hips, around to my ass. I didn't want to let go of you, didn't want to ever stop kissing you.
And then when you asked me out. Do you remember that? Midnight on Christmas Eve and you called me up from Chicago to say Merry Christmas even though it was only ten there. You asked if I would be bothered if you came down to stay with me for a couple of days. I said it would be fine, so you came down Christmas day. Do you remember what you gave me? It was a silly little red teddy bear. I still have it; it's in my closet at this very moment. After you gave it to me, you took my hand and asked if I would be your boyfriend.
And I said yes, I would be your world if you asked.
The first time we had sex was probably the best night of my life. Do you remember that? Middle of fucking nowhere England in a crappy motel, two guys to a room, sheets that smelled like mothballs and feet. But you didn't care one bit; you made the sweetest, gentlest love to me that night, and afterwards I fell asleep curled up in your arms.
And just so you know, I was a virgin when that happened. I didn't start cheating on you until a few months later.
For that part, I truly am sorry. Ryan tried to stop me several times, but it became a habit, a bad habit. An addiction I couldn't kick. I wanted everything, all the time. You should be glad I didn't go to anyone else, that I stuck to someone I knew, someone safe and clean. Someone I cared about, although not nearly as much as you.
I just want you to know that I love you, Jon. I do. I really, really do, and I'm not just saying that because I'm killing myself and I want you to feel guilty. I kind of do want you to feel guilty, but that's just me being angry and depressed.
I love you, Jon. I love you with all of my heart.
And I just couldn't live without you.
Until we meet again and then for eternity afterwards,
Your little bunny,
Bden.
***
Jon stared at the pristine, waxed white and grey speckled linoleum floor of Brendon's ICU room. The doctors had done everything they could to save him - pumped the handful of pills out of his stomach, set him up on oxygen, an IV drip, the works - but the outlook was grim. He was still going in and out of sleep after seven hours and when he was awake he was very disoriented; no one was completely sure if he would have permanent brain damage or not from lack of oxygen.
The doctors called him lucky for having such caring friends like Spencer.
Most people don't live through warm-water drownings.
Spencer quite literally ripped the bathroom door off its hinges after calling 911 and pulled Brendon out of the water, out of the tub. The paramedics said that if he hadn't immediately started mouth-to-mouth, Brendon would have gone into cardiac arrest and probably would have died.
You saved his life, kid, one of them had said, clapping Spencer on the back.
Jon sighed, neatly folding up Brendon's suicide note and putting it back in his shirt pocket. He'd nearly read it a thousand times, and then reread it another thousand. Brendon was blaming him, and after about the third time he read the note, he agreed with him.
When Brendon had said, "I love you," at the airport, he really had meant it.
Jon felt like such a jerk.
"Is he awake?" Spencer questioned in a half whisper, stepping into the room almost silently. Something about the seriousness of the situation made whispering a necessity.
"Not now," Jon muttered back, making himself pay attention to the steady rhythm of Brendon's heart monitor. A straight seventy-five beats per minute for the past twenty minutes, since he fell back to sleep again. "Where'd Ryan make off to?"
Spencer laughed a little, and it brought Jon's spirits up to know that Spencer could still make a joke at a time like this. "He's outside having a smoke, scribbling furiously in his notebook. He really took Brendon's note to heart."
Jon let a small smile turn up the corners of his lips. "He's really writing a song about Brendon?"
"That's what he said. Knowing Ryan, it's gonna be pretty fucking amazing."
Jon nodded his agreement as Spencer sat down in the chair next to him, pulling his phone out to check the time. A nurse making her rounds came in to check on Brendon, scribbling something on her clipboard. She flashed a sympathetic smile at Jon and Spencer as she left.
"Do you blame me for this, Spence?" Jon asked in a mere whisper, his hands clasped together nervously.
Sighing through his nose, Spencer covered Jon's hands with one of his own. "It's as much your fault as it is mine and Ryan's. You may have started it, but we should have stopped it." He glanced over at Brendon, peacefully oblivious in his slumber. "I should have done more."
"You did everything you could," Jon assured him, taking Spencer's hand between his. "Brendon's heart is still beating right now because of you. You saved his life."
Spencer took his hand back to wrap both arms around Jon's neck in a hug. "I'm so sorry about earlier... it's just... Brendon-"
"Shh, I know, Spence, I know," Jon muttered, returning the hug and rubbing soothing circles on Spencer's back.
The two sat there for a long while, just listening to the steady beeping and whirring of the machines in the room. Eventually Ryan returned, his favorite tattered boots clicking sharply against the floor. Jon looked up at the noise, nodding his greeting; Spencer stayed huddled against Jon's chest.
"Hey," Ryan croaked, his voice wrecked from crying and chain smoking for the last hour. "Asleep still, I presume?"
Jon nodded, lifting a hand from Spencer's back to beckon Ryan over. There were only two chairs in the room, so Jon and Spencer sat back and allowed Ryan to stretch out across their laps, his head resting on Spencer's shoulder.
"You know I love you guys, right?" Ryan muttered against Spencer's neck, although in the otherwise quiet room, he was loud enough that if Brendon were awake, he could have heard. "All three of you," he added, as if the idea wasn't obvious.
Spencer hugged Ryan close, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "I know, Ry," he muttered. "I love you, too. And Jon and Brendon."
Jon smiled over at the two younger men, squeezing Ryan's ankle. "You guys are like my family. Brendon..." He looked back at Brendon on the bed, breathing slow and deep, all pale skin and soft features. "Well, you're a little more special, I guess."
"I love you guys too," Brendon whispered hoarsely, causing the other three to jump a little. "More than you'll ever know." He opened his eyes then, blinking around the room before letting his gaze settle on Jon. "Can you ever forgive me for what I've done?"
Jon shoved Ryan's legs off his lap and rushed to Brendon's side, grasping one of his hands and kissing his knuckles before pressing Brendon's palm to his own cheek. "God, Brendon... I'm- I'm just glad you're alive," he breathed, his eyes beginning to water.
Brendon gave a sheepish half-grin. "I'm sorry. I just... didn't know what else to do."
Jon sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned down to press his cheek to Brendon's, hugging him carefully to keep from jostling any tubes or wires. "What did you think I'd do without you? Fuck, I was stupid, okay? I should have listened to you."
"You had every right to do what you did, Jon," Brendon reasoned, wrapping his arms around Jon, also careful of everything he was hooked up to. "I was a total dick to you. You could have done worse."
"I shouldn't have ignored you. I never realized..." Jon paused, taking a deep breath to compose himself. "I didn't believe you."
"I wasn't even sure myself until you said it was over," Brendon admitted, pressing Jon closer. "You never know what you have until it's gone, I guess."
"Or almost gone." Jon pulled back and held Brendon's face in his hands, gently, as if he were made of glass. "Don't ever leave me," he whispered, so quiet he almost couldn't hear himself.
Brendon bit one side of his bottom lip, a smile crinkling his eyes. "I won't if you won't."
Jon surged forward, pressing a heated kiss to Brendon's lips, causing the heart monitor to beep a little faster, his breath coming a little sharper.
Across the room, Ryan pressed a smile into Spencer's neck, still perched on his lap. Spencer just held Ryan closer, letting a relieved sigh ruffle Ryan's hair.
***
"That one right there," Jon was saying, pointing up at the night sky. "That's Draco. And that one over there is Hercules."
"How do you know all this stuff?" Brendon asked, awed. "I just know where the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper is," he added, pointing them both out.
Jon shrugged, mostly useless as he was lying on his back and Brendon couldn't see him, as he was lying with the top of his head to Jon's. "I don't know. I think my mom taught me a lot of it."
Brendon rolled over so that he was on his stomach and looked down at Jon upside down. "I think you're just too awesome for your own good."
Smiling, Jon batted lightly at Brendon's face, and Brendon fell over dramatically before crawling to Jon's side and cuddling close.
"Ever made love under the stars, Jon?" Brendon asked, sounding more young and innocent than seductive, and maybe that's what he was going for.
Jon looked over at Brendon, who was looking back up at him with his big doe eyes shining in the moonlight. "I haven't," he answered truthfully, blinking up at the stars for a moment before letting his eyes fall back on Brendon. "Have you?"
Brendon shook his head, his bangs falling into his eyes.
"Would you like to?"
Brendon grinned deviously. "What if Ryan comes out here?" he asked, mock worried.
"Ryan can suck it, I live here too. Besides, it's nothing he's never seen before anyway." Jon had told Brendon almost immediately after he left the hospital about his stoned escapade with Ryan. "I'll bottom," he added on a breath.
When he mentioned the time with Ryan, he never mentioned who was where, however.
Brendon propped himself up on an elbow to get a better look at Jon's face. "You're serious?" he inquired, eyes wide. "Are you-?"
"I'm sure."
Brendon laughed a little disbelievingly. "Jon, you don't have to, really-"
"I want to," Jon interrupted, brushing the hair out of Brendon's eyes and trailing his hand down Brendon's cheek to his jaw, curling his fingers around the back of his neck. "I really do."
Brendon swallowed and let Jon pull him in for a lazy kiss, keeping things slow and only peeling clothes off when they parted to breathe. Once they were fully naked, Jon took Brendon's hand and sucked on a couple of his fingers, getting them as wet as possible before letting go.
Settling between Jon's legs, Brendon gently eased his boyfriend open with his fingers, pressing soft, loving kisses to every bit of skin he could reach. When Jon urged him on with a slight roll of his hips, Brendon pulled his fingers out and licked his palm, slicking himself.
"Brendon," Jon whimpered as Brendon pushed in, his toes curling in the blanket beneath them.
Brendon choked off a moan as he sunk all the way in, resting his forehead against Jon's collarbone. "Fuck, I've always wanted to do this," he breathed, pressing his fingers into Jon's hips.
One hand wrapped around Brendon's upper arm and the other tangled in his hair, Jon smiled. "Me too; it just took me a while to figure it out."
Brendon lifted his head to smile down at Jon and press a kiss to his cheek. "Don't let the sun come up...," Brendon sang quietly, nuzzling into Jon's neck. He had quickly memorized the song Ryan had written for him, often catching Ryan humming it.
"The ringmaster comes alive in the shadows...," Jon whispered the next line.
"I don't want this night to end..."
"He'll take all our problems to the gallows."
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A/N: Anyone recognize the song at the end? It's the one I wrote, The Ringmaster. :D
More of my work here.