Inside the Four walls of My Dark Room
It’s new year demo I feel so alone…
I miss how I spend my new year with you…
I miss our banter when we would be both in the kitchen and would tell Achie and the others to prepare what we wanted to eat…
We are unable to talk to each other since we would be busy greeting our friends and all, when our grandfather clock chimes at 12 we would always look at each other and give each other a hug and greeted each other “Feliz año nuevo” I remember it so well since you would always whisper “te amo mi princesa, una nueva aventura y capítulo espera para nosotros, yo soy tan orgulloso de ustedes”
I would always answer you back with “hmm, te amo mas abuelo, you will always be with me ne you promised” you would hug me tight and would answer “sí, en cada paso del camino y siempre” then we would be outside celebrating with everyone else.
As I welcome the year today, I saw the moon and wanted to cry but as I am with my mom and uncle I can't let them see me crying so I have to put up a mask that I am the ever joyful and happy go lucky “me” but as I am left alone for about 2 minutes another memory flashed and I smiled bitterly.
It was the time I celebrated new year with my father side, quadro de alas would always stick to one place, before the new year countdown everyone is busy, girls would be gather in one room to gift wrap gifts, tradition we had since our grandfather and grandma are still alive, we give gifts on New Year and not on Christmas.
Since I am with My Nii-chan and two cousins I am going to be the princess no one can tell me to do things, until the last minute when 12mn strikes we would light a torch and start a parade then we would be having fire crackers but since you know I hate smoke coming from fire crackers you guys would be joining me in my room we would start drinking from there until they are done with firecrackers that would be the only time we would come out.
We would stick with each other no matter what, we would hug and greet each other happy new year. Photos would be taken every angle then we would start drinking again until we are all wasted. We would wait till the sun rise and then that would be the only time we would be stop drinking.
Then the next day we would have continuation of what we haven’t finish a simple way we celebrate, a simple way of how we greet each other but you know that they would be with you until the end. A promise that they always have your back and that they wouldn’t leave you behind. No words needed to be said a smile and tight hug is all we have but means a lot.
A simple gesture that means a lot to us, a simple way of how we say “thanks for being there and I love you” my other cousins love to tease me and you guys would be joining them but at the end of the day I know and feel it in my heart I am still there baby. My aunt's and uncle's along with other cousin's won’t believe me ever.
Each and every time I would tell them you guys are the best Brothers. They wouldn't believe since we all have the image of a black sheep, a easy go lucky and no good people. But behind those tough mask, behind those mysterious smile lies a warm and soft heart, there lies the person who is wounded and a person needed to be taken care off.
Now I am crying, good thing everyone is asleep, good thing my room is as dark as the cave, good thing I am all alone, been asking why I feel like this, why all of a sudden those memories came rushing. Been asking why do I feel so alone. Want to ask why have you broken your promise, why did you left so soon, why didn't you tell me you would be leaving so I have time to prepare. No one can answer me but one thing's for sure. I missed my grandpa soo much it hurts, I miss him dearly and I miss my brother too.
I would just look at my brother and two cousin's and they would know I needed a hug, they would just look at me and they already know what to do, they would try their very best to make me smile and not feel alone. Its new year and I know I shouldn't feel this nor posting this demo I just need to take this out of my chest… gomen.