(no subject)
god why do i have to suck i mean why cant i just do what it is i try why cant i just do things right all i want is to lead a semi-happy life with a normal family i want to be able to be a good friend i want ppl to like me and i want/ need to stop letting them down these people do everything for me and all i do is let them down i find any and every way to fuck up and thats just not fair at all im sorry to all of you i kno understand why ppl leave i mean look at the hell i put them and u through so i just want u to kno that if u have had enough of me i understand i just really need to stop fucking hurting ppl i mean like there are those ppl that try to be my friend and i either push them away or i let them in and its way too much for them to handle then there are those that i saw i will always be there for but when they need me the most im not there for them i let them down im sry to all of u i understand y you dislike me and its ok its something i need to get over its just so hard when u think u have one thing that u are good at u have a reason to be here then u find out that u arent good at it and u not only are bad at it but u are completely horrible at it in trying to make the lives of others better u make them worse its in finding this out that one loses their hope, their will to live or at least i did i kno that the hope of helping someone was what kept me going for so many years but no i relize that i was full of false hope that i was living a lie i never helped anyone and my parents were right all along when they said i needed to be a better friend out of everything i could wish for i think thats what i would pick is to be a better friend in the hopes that no one else would be hurt by my words and my actions that i would bring no more pain that i would have a reason to be here god i wish i could be a good person so badly i just dont kno how i mean i dont kno what im doing wrong until i look back at what happened then im like what the fuck were u thinking it is only then that i see the wrong in my actions so i need to find a way to see what i need to do before i do it god im so messed up (and not in a good way) i need to get away or something i just need someone to talk to but im so scared and i really hate to talk it makes me feel so stupid i dont understand why i cant just suck it up and deal im a bit upset i called caitlin 3 times this week when i was upset i told myself i wasnt going to do that i said that i was going to just suck it up and deal i was going to be a happy person at least on the outside but at least i have been doing a good job at the not crying everytime i start i tell myself to stop i hate crying i mean ppl out there have bigger problems how dare i get that upset over my petty little issues god ok i think thats about enough if i dont stop now there will be no telling when i will