Assorted Hockey Superlatives, ed. 1
A collection of random hockey superlatives, as compiled by Mei while bored.
The best hockey factory family in the world: The Staals
So the Canes had an alumni fantasy game over the weekend and among the players was Henry Staal, father of the Staal clones but most importantly of Estaal, Canes captain. Being a Staal and fulfilling his social contract to the hockey gods duty, he scored a goal, and duly celebrated a la Eric:
(source)
UGH THIS FAMILY.
The "Hyperbole & A Half" award for best explanation for the Pens-Flyers fight on Sunday (and hopefully for coming fights this Saturday): Flight envy
(source)
The Canadian lumberjack award for most likely to wear plaid: Jonathan Toews
I mean, I love plaid, don't get me wrong (Donghae ruined me) but what is this? Tazer, you're wearing a plaid tie on top of a plaid shirt.
(source)
#excellentlifedecisions (?)
The "HEY STAAL" award for best face for a mood theme set: Jeff Skinner
No, seriously, I want this. (SOMEONE MAKE ME ONE.) I mean, sure, the only moods in the theme would be giggly, sulky, or, best of all:
But I feel like that last one covers a whole range of appropriate scenarios.
Canes knocked out of playoffs: FUCK YOU I'M A BIRD
Hawks make the playoffs: HELL YEAH I'M A BIRD
Fic posted with TA Eric and freshman Jeff: IF YOU'RE A BIRD, I'M A BIRD \o/
World: What does that even mean?
Mei: WHY DOES IT MATTER, I'M A BIRD. \o/
The Facebook status most likely to be posted by a Chicagoan (or Bostonian. Or...any Canadian): Hockey players in my clubs?! Alert the goddamn media.
(source)
I don't wanna hear about it unless it's a platypus on skates. Now there's something that could pick up in clubs! (Next thing you know, Tyler Seguin and Brad Marchand have dragged a platypus onto a bartop with them. Just wait for those headlines.)
The "when I was your age, Pluto was a planet" award for worst question to ask an alumni: Jeff Skinner was born in 1992. What were you doing in 1992?
(source)
Ouch.
For the record, in 1992, I was making paper crowns and flouncing about in a tiered pink dress with lace-edging being the princess of my daycare. I have pictures, too, but you don't get to see them. It was glorious, though, trust me. I was so cute as a kid. What happened?! Jeff Skinner got to stay cute when he grew up...
The NHL player most likely to be an STD: Patrick Kane
Wait, wait! It's not for the obvious reasons you're thinking (i.e., how he sexes people up in bathroom stalls). Let me explain.
So Kaner has this habit, right? This kind of obscene habit, actually, with his mouthguard.
Exhibit A:
Exhibits B through infinity:
But the thing is, it's spreading...
Exhibit C:
Jonathan Toews
Exhibit D:
Andrew Ladd
Exhibit E:
Daniel Carcillo (& Patrick Kane)
Exhibit F:
Kris Versteeg
And so on and so forth. Have you noticed a pattern? Gee, they all seem to be Hawks or former Hawks...
From this I have concluded that Kaner is an STD spreading his terrible Obscene Mouth Habit through the league.
meiface: there should be fic about how the Kaner Habit spreads through the nhl
swingingstars: through sex with kaner?
and then tazer is all DDDDDDD:
meiface: yes
like an STD
but tazer doesn't realize it passes through sex at first
and he's just like GOD YOU'RE SUCH A BAD INFLUENCE
and then he finds out how it works
and he's like fffffffffffffffffuuuuu
and is jealous
/great plot
swingingstars: best ever
then he feels left out
and pouts
and tries to catch it by getting it on with every guy who does it except kaner
except he has no game
meiface: lol
IT ONLY COMES FROM THE SOURCE
swingingstars: LOL. IF ONLY THAT'S HOW THE REAL THING WORKED.
And to wrap things up, because I'm biased...
The "UNC Tar Heels" award for team most likely to get Mei's hopes up at the start of the season, stress her out beyond all measure, get her cheering and cursing at her TV, and potentially make her year or crush all her dreams: Carolina Hurricanes
"I said to Staal, 'We're in this together,'" Muller explained. "'You're my leader. You're my guy. We've got to work together. I respect you a lot for what you've done. I've been there and I know what you're going through. Why don't we work together here? At the end of the day, if you're my best player, we're in pretty good shape.'"
♥&Estaal;♥
I'm getting into the other teams, I promise! Slowly. In between looping "Club Can't Handle Kaner" a lot. Don't judge me!
The best hockey factory family in the world: The Staals
So the Canes had an alumni fantasy game over the weekend and among the players was Henry Staal, father of the Staal clones but most importantly of Estaal, Canes captain. Being a Staal and fulfilling his social contract to the hockey gods duty, he scored a goal, and duly celebrated a la Eric:
(source)
UGH THIS FAMILY.
The "Hyperbole & A Half" award for best explanation for the Pens-Flyers fight on Sunday (and hopefully for coming fights this Saturday): Flight envy
(source)
The Canadian lumberjack award for most likely to wear plaid: Jonathan Toews
I mean, I love plaid, don't get me wrong (Donghae ruined me) but what is this? Tazer, you're wearing a plaid tie on top of a plaid shirt.
(source)
#excellentlifedecisions (?)
The "HEY STAAL" award for best face for a mood theme set: Jeff Skinner
No, seriously, I want this. (SOMEONE MAKE ME ONE.) I mean, sure, the only moods in the theme would be giggly, sulky, or, best of all:
But I feel like that last one covers a whole range of appropriate scenarios.
Canes knocked out of playoffs: FUCK YOU I'M A BIRD
Hawks make the playoffs: HELL YEAH I'M A BIRD
Fic posted with TA Eric and freshman Jeff: IF YOU'RE A BIRD, I'M A BIRD \o/
World: What does that even mean?
Mei: WHY DOES IT MATTER, I'M A BIRD. \o/
The Facebook status most likely to be posted by a Chicagoan (or Bostonian. Or...any Canadian): Hockey players in my clubs?! Alert the goddamn media.
(source)
I don't wanna hear about it unless it's a platypus on skates. Now there's something that could pick up in clubs! (Next thing you know, Tyler Seguin and Brad Marchand have dragged a platypus onto a bartop with them. Just wait for those headlines.)
The "when I was your age, Pluto was a planet" award for worst question to ask an alumni: Jeff Skinner was born in 1992. What were you doing in 1992?
(source)
Ouch.
For the record, in 1992, I was making paper crowns and flouncing about in a tiered pink dress with lace-edging being the princess of my daycare. I have pictures, too, but you don't get to see them. It was glorious, though, trust me. I was so cute as a kid. What happened?! Jeff Skinner got to stay cute when he grew up...
The NHL player most likely to be an STD: Patrick Kane
Wait, wait! It's not for the obvious reasons you're thinking (i.e., how he sexes people up in bathroom stalls). Let me explain.
So Kaner has this habit, right? This kind of obscene habit, actually, with his mouthguard.
Exhibit A:
Exhibits B through infinity:
But the thing is, it's spreading...
Exhibit C:
Jonathan Toews
Exhibit D:
Andrew Ladd
Exhibit E:
Daniel Carcillo (& Patrick Kane)
Exhibit F:
Kris Versteeg
And so on and so forth. Have you noticed a pattern? Gee, they all seem to be Hawks or former Hawks...
From this I have concluded that Kaner is an STD spreading his terrible Obscene Mouth Habit through the league.
meiface: there should be fic about how the Kaner Habit spreads through the nhl
swingingstars: through sex with kaner?
and then tazer is all DDDDDDD:
meiface: yes
like an STD
but tazer doesn't realize it passes through sex at first
and he's just like GOD YOU'RE SUCH A BAD INFLUENCE
and then he finds out how it works
and he's like fffffffffffffffffuuuuu
and is jealous
/great plot
swingingstars: best ever
then he feels left out
and pouts
and tries to catch it by getting it on with every guy who does it except kaner
except he has no game
meiface: lol
IT ONLY COMES FROM THE SOURCE
swingingstars: LOL. IF ONLY THAT'S HOW THE REAL THING WORKED.
And to wrap things up, because I'm biased...
The "UNC Tar Heels" award for team most likely to get Mei's hopes up at the start of the season, stress her out beyond all measure, get her cheering and cursing at her TV, and potentially make her year or crush all her dreams: Carolina Hurricanes
"I said to Staal, 'We're in this together,'" Muller explained. "'You're my leader. You're my guy. We've got to work together. I respect you a lot for what you've done. I've been there and I know what you're going through. Why don't we work together here? At the end of the day, if you're my best player, we're in pretty good shape.'"
♥&Estaal;♥
I'm getting into the other teams, I promise! Slowly. In between looping "Club Can't Handle Kaner" a lot. Don't judge me!