(no subject)
We have this wonderful lingerie shop that I tend to frequent whenever I need a girly gift, or I'm feeling kind of *bleh* and want something PRETTY. Everything they sell there is classic, well made and beautiful. Next to Sephora, it's my favorite splurge place.
So, my mother (who has not left my house for more than 4 days at a time since Christmas-SCREAMMM) and I decided to do some shopping the other day, and since we were in the area, I thought I'd stop in and pick up some new underwear.
I by-pass the tables of thongs and g-strings, and start picking out a handful of perfectly tasteful cotton bikinis. Nothing outrageous, just plain, simple panties with a tiny bit of embroidery. Comfy things to wear to work, right?
Behind me, I hear a "Tsk" and an annoyed sigh.
Mom: You're buying THOSE?
Me: Yeah, why?
Mom: Are you planning on WEARING those while you work?
Me, bracing myself,because I KNOW what's coming: Um, yep-that's the plan. I try to make sure I always wear underwear when I work.
Mom, who is now getting SERIOUSLY huffy:You DO realize that by wearing items so PROVOCATIVE in a mostly male atmosphere that you are ASKING for trouble, right?
Me: Mom, you DO realize that I wear them UNDER my clothing, correct? I don't think that X-Ray Glasses are standard issue around the fire house.
Mom, now completely pissed: Don't be flippant. What you wear under your clothing impacts how you FEEL. If you have sexy underwear on, then you will FEEL sexy, and give off signals which men can detect. Besides, what if you had an accident?
Me, trying to figure out which meds she must have stopped taking. She is obviously insane: An ACCIDENT??? Like if I wet my pants? Are you having a brain aneurysm???
Mom: No, dear. Like if you have an accident at work and needed to have your clothing cut off. Would you want your co-workers to know that you wear such tiny underwear? I'd be mortified.
That was it. I was ending this conversation...
Me: Ok, Madre, contrary to what YOU believe, this underwear is perfectly fine. It covers what it needs to cover, there are no slogans stamped on it, like "Insert Here" with an arrow, they aren't edible, and they each have a crotch. WHY I am discussing underwear at MY age with my mother is beyond me.
And off I stomp to make my purchase, but not before grabbing a black satin thong with rhinestone hearts on it, and waving it at my mother, because I am mature like that.
We head over to the Mall, and while I am looking in Williams and Sonoma, my mother tells me she is going to Starbucks, but I watch her vanish into Victoria's Secret.
Hmmm...
Later that night, I find a perfectly wrapped package on my bed...
Inside, there are 8 pairs of Victoria's Secret briefs, all beige and all 2 sizes too big, with a note from Mom that read:
"These are much more appropriate for a mother of two, my dear. Next week, we can go shopping for some nice lipsticks for you, to give your face some color."
I think I'll keep my mother's gift. I'm pretty sure that underwear would trade well on Death Row, which is where I am going to end up, since the ground is too hard and frozen to bury any bodies, and my mom is too big to fit into my wood chipper.
So, my mother (who has not left my house for more than 4 days at a time since Christmas-SCREAMMM) and I decided to do some shopping the other day, and since we were in the area, I thought I'd stop in and pick up some new underwear.
I by-pass the tables of thongs and g-strings, and start picking out a handful of perfectly tasteful cotton bikinis. Nothing outrageous, just plain, simple panties with a tiny bit of embroidery. Comfy things to wear to work, right?
Behind me, I hear a "Tsk" and an annoyed sigh.
Mom: You're buying THOSE?
Me: Yeah, why?
Mom: Are you planning on WEARING those while you work?
Me, bracing myself,because I KNOW what's coming: Um, yep-that's the plan. I try to make sure I always wear underwear when I work.
Mom, who is now getting SERIOUSLY huffy:You DO realize that by wearing items so PROVOCATIVE in a mostly male atmosphere that you are ASKING for trouble, right?
Me: Mom, you DO realize that I wear them UNDER my clothing, correct? I don't think that X-Ray Glasses are standard issue around the fire house.
Mom, now completely pissed: Don't be flippant. What you wear under your clothing impacts how you FEEL. If you have sexy underwear on, then you will FEEL sexy, and give off signals which men can detect. Besides, what if you had an accident?
Me, trying to figure out which meds she must have stopped taking. She is obviously insane: An ACCIDENT??? Like if I wet my pants? Are you having a brain aneurysm???
Mom: No, dear. Like if you have an accident at work and needed to have your clothing cut off. Would you want your co-workers to know that you wear such tiny underwear? I'd be mortified.
That was it. I was ending this conversation...
Me: Ok, Madre, contrary to what YOU believe, this underwear is perfectly fine. It covers what it needs to cover, there are no slogans stamped on it, like "Insert Here" with an arrow, they aren't edible, and they each have a crotch. WHY I am discussing underwear at MY age with my mother is beyond me.
And off I stomp to make my purchase, but not before grabbing a black satin thong with rhinestone hearts on it, and waving it at my mother, because I am mature like that.
We head over to the Mall, and while I am looking in Williams and Sonoma, my mother tells me she is going to Starbucks, but I watch her vanish into Victoria's Secret.
Hmmm...
Later that night, I find a perfectly wrapped package on my bed...
Inside, there are 8 pairs of Victoria's Secret briefs, all beige and all 2 sizes too big, with a note from Mom that read:
"These are much more appropriate for a mother of two, my dear. Next week, we can go shopping for some nice lipsticks for you, to give your face some color."
I think I'll keep my mother's gift. I'm pretty sure that underwear would trade well on Death Row, which is where I am going to end up, since the ground is too hard and frozen to bury any bodies, and my mom is too big to fit into my wood chipper.